The old familiar pain

It's funny how you can make a life somewhere without meaning to. You'd think by now, this wouldn't surprise me.

But I'm actually really sad/emotional about leaving the Woodlands. I mean, it has been my home for eight months. A significant amount of time, in my book. Ive really enjoyed certain things about it, mainly the Y, the bike trails, the trees (never thought I'd say that since I'm a wide open spaces girl), and most of all, my family.

Leaving my aunt's house just now knowing I won't see her or her family for at least 14 months was heart wrenching. She has been one of my best friends during my time here. It hurts so much knowing you'll have to miss people. The anticipation of missing them is almost worse. I thought it would be easier this time around, but surprise! It isn't.

Tomorrow, I will see my best friend for the last time in again, at least 14 months. She is having a baby in may, and it hurts to know that I won' be here for such a big event in her life. That we won't

Be part of each other's daily lives anymore. That's what hurts the most about leaving everyone. That we'll just be keeping in touch, not hanging out regularly and being present.

Last week, I was invited to join a swim team at the Y where I work out, and I was flattered, but I had to say no because I'm leaving. It stung a little bit, knowing that I could actually be a part of something here, but it was too late. That's sort of what I meant about making a life without realizing it. I need to remember that for the future though, that sometimes it just takes awhile to find your niche.

As hard as all of this is right now, I do still know that I am doing the right thing. There's no way any of this could be more than temporary. I can't live with my grandmother forever. Sooner or later, I have to rejoin people of my own demographic. And, perhaps most importantly, I have to get some sort of direction. Purpose. A channel in which to get somewhere. I believe I am on my way to doing that.

And maybe even more important than that, I have to allow myself to be brave. I have some shit to prove to myself, and I intend to see that through.

But this part is still painful.

Amendment to the Album List Below:

I didn't realize William Fitzsimmons' "Gold in the Shadow" came out in 2011. So I would like to move it to my #6 album of the year, pushing back my last three albums. If you haven't heard of Willy Fitz, he is beautiful. Just beautiful. Rather mellow, though. So if you're not into that, you won't like him. But he is great. He is a psychotherapist turned musician, so his lyrics are sad and interesting. Just how I like it.

Top Albums of 2011

I have been waiting for like 4 months to do this post! Sometime during the summer, I was buying a lot of new music (no, I don't have a problem!), and I was thinking, how would I rate all of this fantastic music? So, here it is, folks. My personal top 8 albums of 2011 list (I wanted to do a top 10, but apparently I only bought 8 albums in 2011 that actually came out in 2011... but trust me, I bought a lot more that didn't):

8.) "21" by Adele -- Yes, I bought this album the day it came out. It's sort of sad that I feel a little ashamed of admitting that, because Adele really is a great songstress. But the radio stations, TV shows, media in general have just beat these songs into the ground. I will probably revive this album in about three years, when I'm not sick of it anymore. That said, this is not a style of music I typically listen to. It's bluesier, poppier... just not as rock and roll or alternative as I tend to keep it. But I do think Adele did a good job with this one. I'm sorry, Adele, that popular media ruined it for me.

7.) "Zonoscope" by Cut Copy -- I'd heard of Cut Copy before this year but hadn't paid much attention. However, I saw them at ACL this year completely by chance, and they were one of my favorite acts of the entire weekend. They were just so much fun. So, naturally, I bought their newest album the next week. I have to say, I like it but I don't love it as much as I thought I would. It's good, but I don't have the connection to it I have with albums higher on this list. But it is dancy, catchy, upbeat, and fun. I guess I would say, with the exception of a couple of songs that I really do like a lot, it's great background music. But don't listen to it on a road trip by yourself. You'll get bored. Or at least, I did.

6.) "If Not Now, When?" by Incubus -- I've been a fan, but not a diehard one, of Incubus for the past 10 years or so. They have some phenomenal songs, but as for entire albums, I couldn't really get into them. All that changed with this album. It's a little different, a little more mellow than previous stuff, but it's also more precise, more planned, if that makes sense. Great intricate melodies, and of course Brandon Boyd sings his ass off. I mean, this guy can sing. Let's face it, sometimes guy bands don't focus so much on the quality of the vocals. But Brandon's voice is an instrument. I'd say this album is classic Incubus, but better.

5.) "Mylo Xyloto" by Coldplay -- I was a slow fan of Coldplay. After buying their first two albums "Parachutes" and "Rush of Blood to the Head," I was kind of like, "eh." (Although now I have jumped on the "Rush" bandwagon... the Coldplay album, not the band from the '80s). But "X & Y" totally changed my mind, and I loved "Viva la Vida" as well. "Mylo Xyloto" does not disappoint. I saw Coldplay live for the first time in September, and it was a freaking amazing show. Chris Martin is a great performer, as is the rest of the band. The new album is a bit dancier than the previous albums, but I don't think that's a bad thing. The quality of the music and lyrics is the same, if not better, that it's always been, as are the guest artists (Hello, Rihanna, didn't expect to hear you in a Coldplay song). This album is a pure celebration of music.

4.) "Codes and Keys" by Death Cab for Cutie -- As much as I love Death Cab, I was not a fan of their 2008 album "Narrow Stairs." In fact, while I've heard all the songs, I don't think I've ever listened to it all the way through without getting bored and changing it. However, "Codes and Keys" is the Death Cab I remember. Brooding, deep while still upbeat, always surprising me and adding new things to their melodies on top of lyrics that also surprise me and make me think. Sunny or rainy, I can always be in the mood for it. I particularly love "You Are A Tourist," which totally sums up how I feel in my life right now. An interesting take on the feeling that you need a change, you need to move on to something new. As usual, there's at least one song with a minute or longer intro that builds on itself so you never want to skip it. That song on this album is "Unobstructed Views." If you like classic Death Cab, you will like "Codes and Keys."

3.) "People and Things" by Jack's Mannequin -- Okay, for all of you out there who think I'm a traitor to Andrew by not calling this one #1, but I'm not saying it's not amazing. I think it's a great third album by a brilliant band. It did not initially dazzle me as much as the previous album, "The Glass Passenger," but I think of it more as an extension of that album. Plus, so much has to do with what you, the listener, need from the album at the time. But, this is a great road trip album. A great album to have on and jam out to anytime. There are some really stellar tunes on it too -- I particularly enjoy "Release Me" and "Amelia Jean." I'm having trouble putting this album into words. But just listen to it. You'll like it. Piano prodigy and rock and roll -- can't go wrong.

2.) "Ceremonials" by Florence + the Machine -- I'm so happy that my top two albums this year feature female leads! What can I say about the brilliance that is Florence? I only bought her first album, "Lungs," at the beginning of the summer, and by fall, the second was out. I fell in love with "Lungs" of course, and a description I read of it calling the song "Rabbit Heart" a rainstorm in a flower garden I think describes Florence's overall sound perfectly. "Ceremonials" has the same great sound as "Lungs," but the sophomore album has more power. I mean seriously, if you don't feel a surge of something listening to this album, you're dead inside. There is so much about this album that is just plain interesting. You can listen to it over and over and notice different things each time. Florence=sophistication. Both lyrically and musically. You need this album.

1.) "The Valley" by Eisley -- What sums up this choice for BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR for me is that I still listen to it all the way through, over and over, and it came out in March. I took several road trips this year listening to nothing but this album on repeat. All 11 songs are on my "25 Most Played" songs on iTunes. But, about the album (other than my obsession with it): I mean these guys (and girls!) really outdid themselves. Every album, EP, whatever they've done has been better than the one before it, and they started out good. This one really increased their depth of lyrics, vocal ranges, and overall musicality. I mean, there is some serious guitar playing going on. And keys and drums and bass... I just love it. It's still whimsical, lovely Eisley with more of a rock and roll edge. Just buy it (or illegally download it) and listen to it, ok? If you don't like it, you can't be my friend anymore. Just kidding. Sort of.

the lap before the last lap

You ever notice how when you get nearer to the end of something, time slows down? You get cranky, you lose motivation, and you just want to shut down.

I am trying SO HARD not to shut down. I mean, I'm putting the same amount of... cough, cough... effort... into my job that I have been since I realized.... several things I won't go into while still employed. I mean shutting down in other areas.

As a rule, I love going to the Y. It's usually the best part of my day. I feel so good when I leave the Y. Today, I left the Y after 10 minutes because I just couldn't make myself do it. It's been a loooong time since I've done that. I know everyone gets burned out sometimes, and I'm actually very proud of myself because I've worked through various burn outs and lapses in exercise motivation for almost a year and a half now without ever giving up. I won't ever give up, either. It's just hard to make it through the days when you don't give a shit.

It's hard to motivate myself to do other things, too. Clean. Cook. Do pretty much anything except totally veg out. I can smell the end of my house arrest (a.k.a. working from home doing a job that I hate) now. I can taste it, and it's so close, I just want it to be here. I think this is why I'm feeling lackluster. Cabin fever doesn't help. But too often, there's nowhere to go. And hovering grandmothers are ALWAYS there.

It's funny because in sports, the last leg of the race is usually the easiest. Well, maybe not physically, but the easiest mentally. You know you're almost done, so you can push yourself a little longer to reach the finish line. Maybe I'll get that feeling when I'm a little closer. Because the last lap is easy, but the one before it isn't always.

Anyway, then there's the old fear. I've been working out so hard (while trying not to fall victim to burn out for more than a day or two, which I've done before with costly results) and trying so hard to be healthy and I'm really seeing results. Which is great, but the other side of that is The Fear -- falling off the wagon, gaining it all back, not being able to maintain. I think because I have done this slowly and steadily, no dieting, nothing crazy, that I will be able to maintain it. But The Fear isn't totally gone. The old demons will always be there. And, I REALLY want to be a size 10 by the time I go shopping for jeans in January. I am afraid I won't be where I want to be. It sounds sick, but sabotaging oneself so that one doesn't have to feel disappointment for failure is real. It's classic fear of success; if you set yourself up to fail, you know why you didn't reach your goal. You don't have to feel like you tried as hard as you could and didn't make it.

I know that if I am not there, I will be eventually, but the problem is that they don't carry size 10s in Korea. I've never seen any pants in Korea bigger than an 8. But I'll just have to deal with that. And since I'm losing weight the healthy way, I can't expect to drop sizes quickly. That's ok. As long as I'm staying healthy, I'll be happy. Just not as happy as I would be if I were a size 10. Ha.

But, the bottom line. Today did not go as I wanted it to. Tomorrow I will see that it goes differently.

adapting to your shit

Sometimes, even though you see yourself differently, more evolved, it can be hard to get other people to see you that way.

I understand this. I mean, without getting too deep here, do people ever really fundamentally change? Maybe not. I don't know, but I think part of the challenge is not changing really, but learning how to adapt and be successful in spite of your flaws and mistakes. Basically, getting your shit together. YOUR shit. Finding a way to make YOUR shit work for you.

Anyway, I am struggling with this right now. I know my track record doesn't look so good, to the completely unobjective third party who doesn't know me. I understand these people's doubts. I really do; however, what's frustrating me is that I feel like I'm being judged on who I was and what I did two years ago, when I feel completely different. I see myself completely differently. Almost as if I'm being considered based on another person's actions. But how do I convince other people that nothing is the same? I think what it comes down to is someone giving me a chance and allowing actions to speak louder than words. How can I show what I can do if no one will give me that chance?

I know there are a lot of other things for them to consider. It's a lot bigger deal taking a chance on someone when they're traveling across an ocean to come work for you.

I'm going to get completely paranoid for a second, just to get it out of my system: even if the Korea thing doesn't work out, like no one would hire me there because of past mistakes, what reason would anyone, anywhere, have to hire me, or even to accept me for school or something? Let's face it, my track record in general is not so great. My fear is that I've built up all this inconsistency that's made me unhirable and unacceptable in all areas.

Just typing that makes me feel better because I realize how ridiculous it is. It looks so much more ridiculous in print than it does locked inside my head. And anyway, there were specific things that went wrong in the interview that sparked this post. Specific people whom I feel were not on my side from the beginning, even before things got seriously derailed. I could tell it just wasn't right, and to be honest, even before the decision was made (not in my favor, obviously), I was considering other options. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared the same thing will happen with the next one, or if I said my confidence wasn't a little shaken, but I just have to keep going and trust that something will work out. I really just have to put this behind me.

I guess I might as well stop being cryptic and just say what happened: I had an interview with a school in Korea where one of my friend works (she helped me get the interview). There were two people interviewing me: an American guy and a Korean woman. I could tell the American guy was not impressed with me from the beginning. I'm not sure why, but we were just not on the same page. I'll go as far as to say I thought he was kind of a dick. I thought the Korean lady liked me though. Anyway, I got off the phone, and they called me right back because they (he) had just noticed the dates of my previous Korean experience on my resume (which of course was less than a year), and they wanted an explanation. I told the truth for the most part, but they wanted to talk to that school. I sent them the phone number for the school and told them who to talk to (although who knows who they actually talked to). A few hours later, I had an email saying I didn't get the job. Now, part of me thinks I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway, part of me thinks that is why I didn't get the job but because they think it looks suspicious, not because the school said anything bad about me, and part of me thinks they said something bad and is dying to know what it was. But of course, I'll never know. And I really think that guy was suspicious of me, for whatever reason, from the beginning and the other thing was just a reason for him to say no. Of course, it all adds to the fear that other schools will ask to talk to my old school and I'll keep getting turned down over and over again. This is what I mean about being judged on my past. But I really think lying about the dates would be worse. I think that would come back to haunt me big time. So I'll just keep being honest and hope that I get better vibes from the next school.

liberation

For all the great (or not so great) semi-feminist literature, movies, TV shows, what-have-you out there featuring strong women leads, I would like to see a few changes made. Otherwise, all of these stories are only new ways to perpetuate old stereotypes. You'll see why I said semi-feminist.

First of all, can we at least once please see a tale of a girl who doesn't end up with a guy? Why does the guy even have to be a part of the equation? In real life, very few personal quests a woman can go on de facto end up with getting a boyfriend and riding off into the sunset. I realize that love stories sell movie tickets, but what about those of us who aren't secretly bombshells under our freakiness? What about those of us who choose to embrace the freedom of being single, rather than see it as some unfortunate thing that happened to us? Why don't we get stories to relate to? When people see single guys, they tend to assume it's a choice. He's enjoying being a bachelor. He doesn't want to be tied down. When they see a single girl, they pity her. They tell her not to worry, she'll find someone. He's out there. You know what? Maybe he's not. And that's okay. I AM ENOUGH. And I refuse to consider anyone else when defining myself.

Another reason, other than romance (and sex) sells, I think these stories are perpetuated is that on some level, there are true elements to them. I know, that kind of contradicts everything I just said. But let me explain. I have easily the most inactive love life of all of my friends. I always have. I wish I had learned to be okay with that a lot sooner, but my point is that I watch quite literally all of my friends date, get noticed, get flirted with, have relationships, get married, etc., etc. And it's never me (although it is true that when I'm being flirted with, I don't usually even notice). Not only do my friends not realize this (I kind of think that they, like me, think it's just not possible for me... wow, I am being REALLY honest right now), but I don't think they could handle it if it were them. They don't know what it's like for love (well, romance... sex, whatever) not to be in the picture. I don't how else to put it, but they just don't get it. (And if you're reading this, don't tell me that you do--you don't. Press me on this and I'll get even more detailed as to why you don't).

So, getting back to my point about literature, it is my feeling that if my friends, and other girls, saw a movie, read a book, whatever, with a female lead, where there was no love story, they would be like, "where was the love story? Why didn't she meet a guy? She deserved to meet a guy. You know what would've made that better? A love story with a hot guy!" Ick. Again, why are we qualifying her success, her life, her happiness with love?

So for all of the work that our women's liberation movement predecessors did (and they did a whole hell of a lot), I don't think we're truly liberated until we can see our lives totally independent of men (I realize that we live in a co-ed world, and that's a good thing, but I'm talking about how we see ourselves looking inward). And when that happens, it will be reflected in literature and art.

Let me also make clear that I am not a man-hater. I respect and am friends with many dudes. I just want to be seen, valued and treated independently of men. I don't have anything against getting married, having babies, or having relationships. I don't really have anything against people who make those choices being represented in art. I would just like to see something I could relate to, for once. I can't be the only one.

Afraid of the dark: A tale of crazy

I'm currently sitting on the couch at my grandmother's house, watching 19 Kids and Counting, and perusing the world wide web at 1 a.m. During this time, I have read two complete blogs (by that, I mean blogs that I discovered today and read from the time the writer started them to the most recent entry). I think it's kind of like the reality TV phenomenon; there's just something so fascinating about learning intimate details of other people's lives. If you're fascinated by that kind of thing too, you're in luck. I'm about to admit a whole bunch of details.

Anyway, the reason I am up this late, and with all the lights on, is that my grandmother is spending the night at the hospital with my grandfather. He fell this morning and had to be taken to the hospital for tests. He's ok, they just kept him overnight to be sure.

So, I haven't gone to bed because I have this weird phobia about staying in houses overnight by myself. That's right, I'll admit it: I'm 26 years old and afraid of the dark. Only when I'm alone though. And even then, I'm generally ok as long as I'm in an apartment that's not on the first floor. Geez, reading all my specifics on this issue makes me sound a little crazy. But it is what is, at least for now. I don't think I'd be so scared if I had a dog here with me either. But I don't.

I have a WILD imagination. I always have. I event all these crazy scenarios in my head that are very, very unlikely (on the flip side of that, I'm hoping I can channel my imagination into my creative writing, but lately I'm having trouble making myself spend that much time in front of the computer since I'm already in front of it for work all day). And now, it doesn't help that part of my job is to read police reports. When I first started working at a newspaper a year and a half ago, the other reporter, who had been there 30+ years, was the most paranoid person I had ever met. Now I can see why. I take weird, OCD precautions for my safety all the time. Which probably aren't all that effective. Some people would call it borrowing trouble. I need to stop.

Some of this stems from having my house broken into last year. I had trouble sleeping at all for about a month after that happened. And I have still not, since then, been able to go to sleep without at least one light on (not in the room where I'm sleeping). I sleep with a kitchen knife next to me, and I always have my phone and my car keys right there in case I need to call 911 or make a quick escape. I know all of this stuff is irrational, and I'm realizing it more as I write about it. But if I don't do all these things, I can't relax. Now that I'm staying with my grandmother, when she's gone for the night (like now), I sleep on the couch. With the TV on. If I stay in my room, I feel like I'm trapping myself in a corner. And tonight, for example, I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably won't let myself go to sleep, or restful sleep anyway, until 5 or 6 a.m. See, by that time, people are already waking up to go to work and I don't feel so alone. All these embarrassing quirks are what keep me from watching crime shows (which I actually love) and scary movies (which I couldn't care less about).

I really don't know how people live in houses alone, with no dogs. Hell, even with dogs. There's no one there to convince you you're crazy when you think you hear something. Even if it's just an illusion, there's safety in numbers. I have no desire to ever have a house by myself.

Ok. I'm going to stop now before I cross over into COMPLETELY crazy land. But I have to say, it helps just to get all of this out of me. It consumes so much head space sometimes that I think what I needed was just to expel it from me.

Nevertheless, I see a serious nap in my future tomorrow.

not a fight... but still

I just had a really stupid fight with one of my best friends. It wasn't even really a fight, it was just a pissy conversation that ended with us basically hanging up on each other.

I got kind of upset after I got off the phone. I didn't really know why at first, it was so stupid, I had just called to see what she was doing this weekend and she was not feeling very well and had a lot of stuff to do tomorrow so she was basically not available.

Maybe it was the way she said it that made me get sensitive. Like I was really bugging her by even asking. I mean, I didn't know she was sick before I called. But more than likely, her pissy mood had nothing to do with me. She probably just really didn't feel good.

And the thing is, on my end, it wasn't really about her either. I got upset because once again, I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to see. See, she is my only friend within 200 miles of me. I'm not upset that she has a life; she should. I'm upset that I don't. I'm upset because I'm so sick of being trapped in the house everyday (I work from home which sounds cool but so isn't) with no one to talk to but my grandmother. I'm sick of not knowing anyone (and not being in a position to meet people), so when the one person I do know is busy, there's no one else to call. I'm sick of watching everyone else (including the people 200+ miles away) go about their lives while I'm stuck waiting. Again.

I know if you're reading this, you probably think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and that ALL of this is my own fault. You're right. But I've gotten so good at shutting myself off and not engaging in the present that I'm afraid I don't know how to do anything else.

I've figured a lot out in these past few months. Or years. Don't judge. And I think all of that is really beneficial. Or will be, if I can make it through the next few months without going insane. But right now, in this moment, I'm wondering what it's all been for.

All the same, I think I will not be calling the above mentioned friend for awhile. I've probably been relying on her too much anyway.

Please don't say these things to me

It drives me CRAZY when people say the following things (as in I cringe):

1. "hubby" -- vomit!! you are not a five year old girl playing house!
2. "ATX" -- Just say Austin. You do not say "DTX" for Dallas or "HTX" for Houston or "EPTX for El Paso, for God's sakes. Saying "ATX" sounds stupid and makes you sound like you're trying too hard to be cool. Just stop it!
3. "bahaha" -- seriously, who started this? And why does everyone like it? Since when does a simple "haha" not suffice? I can even live with "lol," just please drop that superfluous b!
4. "epic fail," in fact also "epic" or "fail" by themselves (unless you are talking about an "epic" movie or that you "failed" a test) -- I have no words for this one. But if you have such a limited vocabulary that you can't think of any other way to describe something that didn't work, I can't help you. Look at that, I did have words.
5. when people change "the" to "da," etc. -- I'm sorry, are you a rapper?
6. when people eliminate vowels, e.g. "ws" for "was" -- Really? How much time does that save?
7. When people misspell words on purpose (I'm not talking about abbreviating here), e.g. "summ" instead of "some" -- again, really? why?
8. wth -- We all know you mean "wtf." So just say it.

As you can probably tell, most of these are on Facebook. And to think of a complete list, all I had to do was look at my news feed and take a random sample. Sad. I'm sure there are more, but these are the main offenders. And these are mostly my personal annoyances and not meant to single anyone out or offend anyone who uses these horrendous terms. Although I'm sure you agree with at least a couple of them. If you don't, we can't be friends anymore. I kid.

Life without cheese

I have never in my life eaten a hamburger without cheese. Until today.

After months, nay, years of experiencing prolonged periods of bloating, excessive gas, abdominal discomfort, and sudden bouts of "the rumblies" (I'll leave that one to your imagination), I recently self-diagnosed myself as being partially lactose intolerant.

I finally googled "how to know if you're lactose intolerant" after experiencing various combinations of the above types of gastrointestinal issues after drinking chocolate milk the other day.

The thing I read online said that a good way to know for sure if you are lactose intolerant, or partially so, is to not eat dairy for two weeks and see if you feel better. Then, if you start eating dairy again and your symptoms return, you are probably lactose intolerant.

Well, I don't know if I'm going to stick to that totally, but I haven't had any dairy yesterday or today, and I can definitely tell a difference. It's as simple as feeling different after making a slight to change to something that I normally eat. For instance, yesterday at Starbucks, I got a soy hot chocolate instead of one with nonfat milk. I felt totally different after drinking it. And today, I had a hamburger for lunch. A HAMburger, not a cheeseburger. I always thought that I felt so bloated and uncomfortable after eating a burger and fries because it's not the healthiest of meals, but after eliminating the cheese, I feel pretty normal (I also went easy on the fries, which probably also helps).

I can't say that I'll never eat real cheese or ice cream again. But it is nice to know that I can, within reason, control what ails me.

Life at the Early Bird Special

Sometimes, living with a 77-year-old is not unlike living with a five-year-old.

Now, I love my grandmother. And she's totally capable of feeding herself, dressing herself, controlling her own e-mail account (most of the time), driving herself around (hopefully the other cars are paying attention), and doing all of her old lady activities. Basically, she is self-sufficient.

But. She can be infuriating! Like a five-year-old, she argues with Every. Single. Thing. You. Say. I'm convinced she does this for sport. You have to make sure she doesn't eat expired food. You have to wake her up when she falls asleep in front of the TV and tell her to go to bed.

In five days, she is leaving to go to Tucson with another old lady for five days. They can old lady it up together and leave me out of it. I heard them on the phone yesterday (almost a full week prior to their departure, mind you) discussing the weather, what to wear, what they will eat for breakfast, etc., etc. I guess when you get to your upper 70s, you're not so good at going with the flow. Never mind that the forecast might —gasp!—CHANGE in the next six days. How dare it, if it does. These days, even the most uncontrollable things in the universe are personal attacks when they are not the way she wants them.

Again, like a five-year-old, it must be explained to her that that's just the way it is and life is not fair.

I, on the other hand, will spend my five days of freedom drinking wine and eating dinner—WITH CARBS—after 7 p.m. Maybe even after 8 p.m. (My grandmother is diabetic and never ceases to remind me that she has to go easy on the carbs; it's not that she's diabetic that I mind, it's that she thinks I forget that fact from day to day).

to bring my food journal or not to bring my food journal?

This is a more personal, potentially embarrassing post. It might even be boring if you don't reside in my head. I probably won't post the link to this one on Facebook. But apparently I have regular followers now anyway (I know this because of the pageview counter I put up), so I know some people will still read it. And that's fine.

The past few weeks, as I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I have been working hard on ol' number one. The physical part of this includes working out almost everyday, sometimes twice a day, and trying to be very vigilant about my nutrition. One of the secrets to my success is my food journal. I've tried food journals once or twice in the past, but I didn't really do them right. I didn't want to be totally honest with myself, so I would eat things and think, "that didn't count" and not write certain things down. It was a selective food journal, if you will (in case you don't know, a food journal is just what sounds like; you write down everything you eat each day so you can see how much/what you're actually eating).

This time is different. I'm not sure why, other than the mental and psychological changes I've discussed before. Anyway, I've been completely, brutally honest with myself in this journal, which is now in its third week, even when I slip up and snack a little harder than I should. I still write everything down. This is helpful because it forces me to think about what I'm going to eat before I eat it. If I want to pig out, I think, "I'm going to have to write that down," which I don't want to do because it makes me feel disgusting, and I control myself. It also helps with emotional eating, like I can tell when I'm really hungry and when I'm emotionally hungry and all that jazz. I could go on, but I won't.

So. Back to the point of this post. This weekend, I will be traveling to Austin for the Austin City Limits (ACL) music festival. I'm very excited about this; I haven't had a chance to just get out and do something purely for fun in awhile. I've already planned for the fact that ACL means I won't be working out for 3 days; I didn't take a day off from exercising this past week to sort of make up for it, since I knew I'd be getting a bigger break (although I will do plenty of walking, sweating, dancing at the festival, I'm sure). And I know my eating schedule will be different. There will be food booths and we may be eating at weird times and going for hours without eating. I'm sure many beers will be consumed throughout the weekend.

I'm excited to go and have fun, but I don't want the whole weekend to throw me off track or undo all the work I've been doing. I'm going to try to be extra aware of all these things. The big question, though, is do I bring my food journal? Part of me thinks, yes, of course, because I can still keep tabs on everything I'm doing and not let it all go down the toilet. The other part of me thinks no, take a break, and just be careful. I've had problems in the past with being super into health and then getting really burned out and not caring anymore. I don't want that to happen either, so maybe I should just forget about it for a weekend. But then again, it is a slippery slope...

As I write this, I'm thinking I should bring the journal. Eat and drink what I want, and just make sure I write it down so I don't go overboard. That is, after all, the whole point of the journal.

But then do I include alcohol in the journal? I haven't been drinking since I started the journal, and ordinarily, I would include it (like if I had a margarita with dinner or something). But if I went out to a bar, I'm sure I wouldn't be whipping my journal out to record every drink. Of course I don't do that all that often anymore. I think I should write the drinks down (they are calories!) but just not one by one.

Decision (for now): Take the journal, use the journal, as it was intended, but don't be afraid to take a break and have some drinks and delicious Austin food. Just be careful.

This weekend will truly be a test. I've had much smaller events throw me off track in the past. But I'm ready for it.

don't take feminist, or well, any lessons from Lady Gaga

I read TWO Lady Gaga quotes in the past week that really irked me.

Let me first say that I was a fan of her music and unbothered by her style probably until the song "Alejandro" came out. And even that one was okay.

Now, not only is she obviously trying to outdo herself while being the mascot for homosexuality (and you all know I am all for gay rights), but her new music sucks. It sounds like something that should've been left in the 80s. I could deal with her giving birth to herself in her videos and wearing meat dresses (although I also learned this week that that wasn't actually an original idea; Madonna or somebody had done it before... not sure why I read so much Gaga news this week) if her music was good. But it isn't. I'm afraid the sun has set on my day as a Gaga fan. And in the 2011 Britney v. Gaga war (they both had new albums come out this year), Britney is totally kicking Gaga's ass. Just saying. It's Britney, bitch. Now and forever. (I'm pretty sure I'm only a Britney fan because her heyday began when I was 13, a very defining age for one's tastes in pop culture... but nevertheless, I'm unashamed to say I'm a fan... not like I'm a fan of Jimmy Eat World or Death Cab, but still a fan).

So, Gaga's asinine comments were these: "I'm not a feminist...I love men." NEWSFLASH, Gaga, maybe do a little research: Feminism and man-loving are not mutually exclusive. You can be a heterosexual feminist. You can be a feminist and have male friends. See this article, where the lovely Cezanne Colvin explains the whole issue. But if you've ever studied feminism, you know what it's about and what it's not about, and I don't need to get on my feminist soapbox right now. But rest assured, I am a feminist. Just like Tina (see previous post).

The second Gaga-ism was this: Lady Gaga was telling someone at omg! (on Yahoo) about how she stays in such good shape and she was saying how she works out and eats really healthy (duh) and then she actually said, "My work feeds me." Any inkling of fanship toward Lady Gaga left my body upon reading those words. I went, "did she really just say that? Who SAYS that?" I hope I don't need to explain how cliche and just...ick that statement was.

We're done, Gaga. I am an avid supporter of the arts and free speech and the unexpected, etc., etc. But I don't think art is what you are. You are nothing more than a character. I don't buy that any of your "work" comes from any place other than trying to stay famous.

an ode to Tina... and me

Well, I guess I've been absent from the blogosphere for a couple of weeks.

Things are rolling along, and I'm now pretty much in a waiting game. Fortunately, I have also picked myself up and gotten my happy little butt over to the Y regularly. I've been swimming, doing yoga, going to spinning class, lifting weights and running (not all at the same time-wouldn't that be something), and I have a nice little routine down that can be flexible when I need to be. Which really isn't that often, seeing how these days, the Y is pretty much my life. But it's good. I think I need this time to focus on myself and my fitness so when the next REALLY big change comes, I'll be ready. I'll be physically fit, feeling good about myself (the most important part of the whole equation), and used to taking care of myself.

Last time, I was not in good shape, I probably felt close to the most horrible about myself I've ever felt, and I was not at all used to taking care of myself. I thought I would go and once I was there figure out how to make things fall into place. Not so. Any problems you have at home will most certainly follow you all over the world. In fact, they will be magnified. And more difficult to fix.

What a difference this time around! I know that I have challenges ahead, but I am expecting them and ready to deal. There may (probably will) be challenges that I can't possibly prepare myself for now, but I have confidence that I can react in a, well, non-reactionary way, if that makes sense. What a difference maturity can make! Not that I'm totally mature... and what a difference self-esteem makes... in everything! One of the things I've learned over the past year or so as I have been trying very hard to life a healthy lifestyle (with a few admitted setbacks, but I'm still going, so that's what counts, right?) is that if you allow yourself to feel good about yourself and respect yourself (that makes me sound like I've done something whorish... NOT what I mean), you WANT to take care of yourself. You want to be nice to your body. I can't believe it's taken me more than a decade to figure that out, but hey, better late than never. I guess it's not really late; I haven't ended up on reality TV yet, so I think I caught it in time.

ANYWAY, boy I'm in a mood tonight, aren't I? So I'm moving back in with my grandmother at the end of October. The only thing I'm sad about leaving is the Y. It's almost ridiculous how sad I am about it, too. It's a great, great place. I could go on and on about how fabulous this Y is. It's like a gym sent from heaven. But I'll spare you. Just imagine the perfect gym, and that's it. The end. BUT, on the other hand, I think not having the Y for a couple of months before I leave may end up being a good thing because I'll get to practice keeping up my fitness level on my own, and who knows what I'll have access to once I leave. Could be anything. (I'm sure there will be at the very least a place I can walk/run/bike and there will probably be a gym I can join).

But I am in a very good mood right now. I have been for the past couple of weeks. I even started cooking again, and once I did it I realized how much I missed it. You know how a few weeks ago I was saying I didn't care about anything and I couldn't find myself? Well, here I am.

The other thing is I've started writing again creatively. I actually wrote a whole story which I finished last week. I need to go through and revise, but I've been putting it off. It was so much easier when I had a whole workshop of people to give suggestions. I really miss that. I've been missing the good ol' English department, specifically the writing folks, a lot lately. It's something I may pursue when this other venture is done. I have several other story ideas that I've written down, mostly from wacky dreams I had. I'm excited to try different things.

I also just finished reading Tina Fey's book, Bossypants. It really inspired me. I've always been a Tina fan, but I'm starting to think I should just go for it and move where I want to move and be a writer, once I have some money saved up. (In case you're wondering the connection between Tina, my idol, and the previous sentence is that reading about her life makes me want to change mine and be more ambitious. Tina embodies everything I want to be... successful, driven, funny, a good writer, in charge, a mom later in her childbearing years, and a feminist).

An MFA degree might not even be out of the question. I know it's not a necessity, BUT it would give me the support of other writers that I need, help me network, and give me the credentials to teach at the college level. But I'm also still considering the librarian option... good thing I have awhile to decide. In the meantime, I'm going to keep working on my stuff. Either way, I'm going to save up money so I can do what I want where I want. Maybe by the time I'm 30, I'll be completely independent. Maybe. It's more likely that if I read this in 4 years, I'll just laugh.

That's pretty much all that's going on with me. But it's enough. I'm lucky my current job is less than demanding so I can use this time to really work on myself.

And, my heart goes out to everyone affected by the wildfires. That really sucks.

AND, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!! (Sorry. I've been watching a lot of Tina's work lately and I just felt like saying that. I told you I was in a weird mood.)

more of the same

A couple more options in the great "what the fuck am I doing with myself" escapade have made me realize (or at least come closer to realizing) what I actually want to do.

Before I go into this, I would just like to say that a year or two ago, my dear friend Audrey (whom I wish I kept in better touch with and whom, out of all of my friends is one of the most like me) said something about how she read that in your 20s, you should try out a lot of different jobs and careers to find out what you really like/want to do. Well, I didn't really set out to do that, but I've definitely done it. And I think it's proved to be good advice, in the end (not that this is the end, but in 3 days I will officially be in my late 20s), at least for people like me who have a hard time making decisions and committing and who learn the best by trying things for themselves.

As opportunities have arisen the past few weeks for me to teach in Houston, for me to work in communications/public relations for a business (that opportunity actually got taken away before I could decline, but I'm pretty sure that I would have), and for me to move into my best friend in Granbury's house rent-free (at first), none of those have quite felt right.

I'm big on things feeling right. Feeling right is different than being scared or nervous. Feeling right is knowing in your gut that even though you're nervous/scared, you're doing the right thing. I'm very big on this. I've said before that I have to do everything in my own time, and this kind of goes along with that. Something may not be right at one time, but it can be at another. (Of course sometimes, I'm just an idiot and can't see what's right in front of me).

What feels right to me is doing what I set out to do two years ago before I let myself get thrown off track. In a more focused way, of course. I'm going to go overseas for a year or two, depending on how things go, save some money, and go to school OUT OF STATE to become a librarian. I'm thinking either Boston (number one in my head right now), Seattle, or Denver. Those are all very different places, but I'm attracted to them all. And I have time to work all that out.

I must say that as I just typed that paragraph, I felt very determined and sure of myself. That is one way I know my gut feeling is right. There are times when I type something like that, pertaining to my future or my goals, and I can just feel in my fingers that's never really going to happen. Maybe that's weird, but I can. My fingers are sure this time. Maybe it won't happen exactly as I think it will right now, but I will get to where I want to be. I'm sure of it.

I think I had more to say about this, but it's taking a very strange turn, so I'm going to sign off for now.

It's time to be brave. And patient. So I don't go insane.

thought vomit

I'm starting to get my creativity back, I think.

After being ass-numbingly bored out of my skull with all of the "journalism" I've been doing lately, it's been refreshing to work on some projects of my own. And remembering how much I love it.

I loved the work I did in Beeville, but I think it may have been a very unique situation. Now that I've gotten out of that bubble (of the booming South Texas economy), I'm back in the rest of the world. Where it's cutthroat and we're all a dime a dozen.

My strengths have been writing features and human interest pieces and also researching complex issues and writing about them for the general public. I'm not so great at breaking news or "keeping my finger on the pulse of the community" (God, I hate cliche journalism phrases... I've read to many job descriptions in the past couple of years; the other one I hate is "a nose for news," which I don't really have either).

What I think this means is that while I'm good at interviewing people and telling their stories, I'm not necessarily a hard-hitting journalist. I may be a damn good writer, but I think it may be time to find a better way to make a living and use my writing for my own, independent projects.

I'm glad I got the opportunity to work for a small town paper, though. It was one of the most fun times I've ever had. And I'm glad I'm figuring all of this out now.

In a way, it's like I'm coming full circle. I started out in the academic world and I'm on my way back. I've always done everything the hard way, and while that's been a big pain in the ass in a lot of ways, things just don't seem to work for me unless I do them in my own time. I guess I just need extra time to process and reflect. The world doesn't usually work that way, unfortunately, but I'm learning to function in it anyway.

I'm not sure if any of this post made any sense at all. These were all just thoughts I needed to expel from my head.

go find your life

I've been thinking a lot about... well, several things these past few weeks.

There's a quote from "The Help," which I just finished reading, that I can't get out of my head. Toward the end of the book, the character who wrote the book (within the book) gets offered a job in New York but at first says she won't take it because people need her in Jackson. One of the other characters tells her that's ridiculous because she has nothing left in Jackson. She tells her, "Go find your life."

Maybe it's because I identified so much with that character (Skeeter), but I just feel like she was talking to me. My family is here in Texas, but I'm starting to feel again and again, and stronger this time, that I have no future here. At least not right now. My friends are moving on, settling down, finding their lives, if you will. And I'm still flailing. The harder I try not to flail, the worse I do, it seems. I'm not happy in my career, I have nothing to keep me here, and I just feel like I fit in better... elsewhere. I love Texas, but I need a break for awhile.

Maybe it's also because this week, I found out through mild facebook stalking that (get ready for an embarrassing story) someone I was head over heels for in high school is engaged (apparently he has been for awhile, I just hadn't stalked him in several months). That shouldn't be a big deal, but this person was a very close friend of mine and it was one of those situations where everyone thought we were or should be together and I secretly wanted that but it never happened (I really loved him). I still valued his friendship though; I don't want to cheapen that. Anyway, after all this time, and even though I haven't seen or talked to him in 4 1/2 years, I still liked having the idea of him in my head. Even though I know that's stupid and immature and I don't really even know him anymore, I liked the idea. Sometimes it was all I had during some pretty dry spells in my dating life. The "extreme/exceptional" drought of Texas has nothing on my love life. Him getting engaged ruins that fantasy. (although last night he and his fiance, whom I've never met, were BOTH in my dream... aaaauuuggghh).

Anyway, I think what struck me so much about it was less that he, a person who I for all intents and purposes don't know anymore, is getting married, but that I am not. And I really, honestly, don't want to be right now. I know I can be bitter, and I do get lonely sometimes, but it's more about the fact that I'm losing my friends to this institution than it is about wanting someone for myself. Even if I fell in love right now, I don't think I'd want to get married. Everything about doing normal settling down things makes me want to run the other way. Freedom and pride are very important to me, however wrong or right that may be. More important to me than finding "the one" (what a crock of shit that is anyway--I believe in the possibility of being with someone for a long time and being happy, but I don't believe there's one perfect person for everybody... but I digress).

Add this one instance to the probably hundreds of others that are happening with my friends now. I am seriously one of the only people I know who is not in a serious relationship, married, and/or has a child. And while I still love all of my friends, it changes things; it just does. I'm tired of being the only single one EVERYWHERE, I'm tired of being the only one who rejects all these societal constructs, and I'm just... tired. I've spent my entire life dreaming of going off and living in these interesting places (not that Texas isn't interesting!) and doing what I really wanted. I've gotten close a couple of times, even flown across the world, but I haven't quite hit it yet. And I'm realizing more and more that I'm not ready to give up.

It's hard to leave my family and friends behind, but I'll be okay. I know this sounds bad, but I've let it get to a point where it's almost like my love and need for them is so intense that it's holding me back. It's keeping me from moving on. It's freaking hard, harder than I ever imagined, but it just goes back to I have to find my life. Not theirs. They'll still and will always be there for me, but at the end of the day, all I have is myself. I need to start trusting me.

The difference between now and the times before is that this time, I feel really clear-headed. The other times, I felt like I was running in circles.

the antidote

Tonight I drove to Galveston for the hell of it. I NEEDED the ocean. And most nights (and weekends) here in Clear Lake, I am bored out of my mind. I just can't seem to get it together. I know it took a few months, but in Beeville, I would get really excited about cooking and that would take up a good portion of my evenings. But here, I don't seem to give a shit. There's plenty to do here too, outside my apartment. But I don't give a shit about that either. It's like I'm here, but I'm not really. I'm looking for myself, and I don't know how to find me. Driving to the beach was part of the search. I think I found a piece.


So I parked on the seawall (it's still free! I think till 2012) and walked out into the ocean fully clothed. By into the ocean, that's what I mean. I didn't go underwater or anything, but I was in up to my thighs. I realized as I felt that first rush of waves on my ankles that I hadn't been in the ocean all summer. Where has the summer gone?

It was fabulous. I am always mesmerized by the ocean. Its vastness, its endlessness, its power. It's like a big, beautiful creature that is comforting but you know could kill you. Just swallow you up. Sometimes it scares me how much it fascinates me. I love it.

I stayed at the beach awhile, sitting on the jetty, watching the waves and all the little kids. It was so nice to smell the salt again. Then, I took an inadvertent tour of Galveston on my way out of town, but now I know where the strand, UTMB, opera house and some other places are.

Next week, I'll be going back up to the Woodlands to make a little extra money babysitting. When I go, I stay with my grandmother, whom I love, although when we lived together for a couple of months, she drove me crazy (I think it was mutual). Now, when I go stay up there for a few days, she doesn't bother me nearly as much because I'm just so happy there's someone there.

It shouldn't be this hard. I've lived alone three times before this. I think the difference now is that all of those times, I had a large group of coworkers and/or friends to interact with during the day. Now, it's just me and Doug, and while we get along superbly, he's gone a lot of the time doing sales, I'm not always working out of the office either, etc., etc. So I spend a ridiculous amount of time alone. I'm not afraid of being alone, mind you, I'm independent almost to a fault. But we're social creatures. And being alone all the time drives me batshit crazy. For real.

Although I had to move on and I didn't belong there, I really, really miss my work family in Beeville. That kooky little town in general. Tonight I had the thought that in many ways, that'll probably be one of the best years of my life, as hard as that probably is for most people to understand. I know I'll never have a better employer. I don't have a single regret about it. And I don't say that about a lot of experiences.

the break-up

Change is hard. I knew I'd miss my coworkers in Beeville, but not this much. As much as I kind of felt like I was in limbo there, I guess I really did have a life there. I made it work. I know I can do that here too, but the first day is always hard.

It hurts. I've cried several times today just thinking about how much I miss Beeville Publishing Co. and all the people there. In Beeville, really. How much they welcomed me and made me part of their family. And even though I know I had to move on and there was no way to have a real life for me there, part of me can't believe it's over and it's part of my past now. I said a long time ago that I had learned that you have to break up with places. I've been here before. It's still true. And right now, I'm missing that backwards little town and all of the eccentric people there.

There are a lot of uncertainties for me right now, and that's not something I've traditionally dealt with well. But I have to. I don't know where I'll end up living in Houston, what kinds of opportunities I'll have, or, well, much of anything.

I'm trying really hard to remember the positives right now, after a trying day when all I wanted to do was have Gary and Jason across the hall from me to talk to and laugh with and Delia and Nina up at the front to take care of everyone. But they weren't there. No one was, really. Nobody compares.

But back to the positives. I did meet one new coworker whom I really liked, although she won't be there everyday, but at least I met someone friendly. I'm going to have a lot of freedom and independence here, which is something I really wanted, I think I'm ready for, and will work well for me.

And the biggest plus, the real reason I left such a phenomenal job in Beeville, is having my best friend and my family a 10 minute drive away from me. I don't have to be alone anymore. I guess just at work I do now.

But right now, it still hurts. The break-up is fresh.

looking forward to Monday

Now that I'm actually here in Houston (well, the Woodlands for now), it's time to put some of the things I've been saying (okay, complaining) that I've wanted to do but couldn't due to my location into action.

Thursday (my last day at the Bee-Pic) was much more emotional than I thought it would be. That place was so amazing to me over the last year, and I know I already mentioned that in my previous post, but it's so true it bears repeating. When the girls up front (in the advertising department—editorial is in the back) found out I was leaving, they rushed out to buy a card, have everyone sign it, and whipped up a dessert on the fly. All that for me, someone who'd been there a year when some of them have been working there for 30. It was pretty overwhelming. I'll definitely miss them always. There were tears.

So then Friday, I moved into my grandmother's house in the Woodlands. That was also overwhelming, mainly because I'm not used to having so much family readily available for help. All the times I've moved before, it's pretty much just been me and my mom and dad. The help was awesome, but it was just weird. Plus, the idea of living with my grandmother temporarily seemed great when it was hypothetical, but when I was actually moving in, I started second guessing it. I think this is normal; anytime I've ever moved anywhere, I've second guessed it initially. Making such a big change is always anxiety-ridden, no matter how much you want it. Besides, this really is a temporary arrangement that should only last through the summer. And it will give me time to save up some money and get to know Houston better before I find my own place. I reeeeally hope I can find a roommate, though. I don't think I have a prayer of being able to afford living alone here like I did in Beeville. Nor do I want to in a big, somewhat strange city. But all that will work itself out in time.

I just hate these first couple of days when you move somewhere, before you begin doing what you came there to do. When you don't really know what to do with yourself because you don't know very many people, you have no routine, no regular hang-out spots, no idea of where to go or what to do. All you can do is wait to get into the swing of things. It's probably the only time I look forward to Monday.

But anyway, I do have several projects and things I want to get started. Which is the hard part. Now that I have taken a new job in a major urban area, I feel like I have a real opportunity for my career to really take off. And while I feel like I'm living the dream, a.k.a. going after my dream, I have to wonder/mildly plan for the what if. As in what if it doesn't happen and I'm still only making $30,000 in ten years while not being able to save anything for the future. Eventually, my car is going to wear out and if that happened tomorrow, no way could I afford a new one. And the kicker there is that in my career, I have to have a car. But I have decided not to borrow trouble anymore, in any way.

The point of all of that was that outside of the office, I need to take it up a notch. I've never been an overachiever in the slightest, but at least I have a brain. And when I really want something, I find a way to make it happen. So anyway, the point is that my goal now is to write something everyday. It can be journaling (which will probably be what I mostly do at first), creative writing for fun like poetry, more serious creative writing such as working on some sort of mess I could turn into a book one day, writing features I can try to sell to magazines, or other freelance work I find (I'm trying to get a gig as a contributor for a local magazine, but it's probably a looooong shot). I know I need my main focus/priority to be my full-time job, but how awesome would it be if I could supplement my income by doing other stuff on the side? Hopefully I can find some way to get that started in a meaningful way. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

As far as my personal life goes, I'm about to join a swim team, something I've wanted to do for a long time but didn't have one close to me, so I'm pretty excited about that. I would also like to find a way to maybe do some volunteering? We'll see. Plus I'm just excited about all the stuff to do I'm going to have access to now. I'm just going to be trying to make some friends and come out of seclusion.

In any case, I'm ready to get started. With all of it.

bitterSWEET

I took a temporary hiatus from the blogosphere. I had plenty of overflowing thoughts, but I was kind of holding my breath until I found out if I had gotten this job I had interviewed for in Houston. And until I knew what was happening with my tumor.

Well, I'm happy to report that I DID get the job, and I move on Friday! I am so excited to keep moving forward, be closer to friends and family, make NEW friends, and have so much more to do! Also, I'm happy to report that my tumor was removed last Thursday, and other than some minor swelling, I am doing great. I had an awesome surgeon who did a great job and I have had very little pain/discomfort.

I have many reflections I want to make on the conclusion of my year here in Beeville. Like any ending, as much as I eagerly anticipate the future, it is bittersweet. First of all, can we all take a moment to celebrate the fact that I stuck something out for an entire year without freaking out and running away? I think that was part maturity and part figuring out what I want to do with my life. Also, it's very important to mention the great people here in Beeville, particularly at the paper, and I am genuinely sad to be leaving them. I've come to realize that it's impossible to spend any length of time someplace and not get attached to the people you meet there. This is the hardest part about leaving. By now, I can't imagine not being a part of Gary's, Jason's, Jeff's, Bruce's, Stacy's life on a daily basis. Nothing I could say about them or the company here would do them justice. But it must be done. I know I have to go.

I learned more than I ever thought I would here. And I gained so much strength and confidence that I can see in all areas of my life. When I came here, I was scared and shy and self-conscious. I am leaving brave, outgoing and sure of myself. Things happen in such mysterious ways. I have wondered thousands of times over the past year how and why I ended up here of all places. But I stuck it out, even managed to have a good time, and now I'm going somewhere I can build a real life with no plans to leave (what a foreign concept to me!). I'm so unbelievably ready for that.

I know that even with all the experience I've gained here, my new job will still be an adjustment at first. But I feel confident that I made the right decision. I get a good vibe from my new bosses. I think it will be fun, a new challenge, and that I'm doing the right thing by going all-digital (my new job is at an online news company for anyone who may not know). And I have other plans, like trying to do some freelance work on the side to supplement my income and gain even more experience. I also have other writing projects I want to work on. I think now that I'm going somewhere I want to stay, nothing's on hold anymore. No more excuses. No more procrastinating. I also plan on joining a swim team ASAP. I'm very excited about this and the possibility to be involved in and do other things that weren't available to me in Beeville. It's time for me to come out of my cave and not be compromised anymore. I can't even express my excitement.

Bring it on.

quarter life crisis #172

I hate it when I have a crazy dream that I can't get out of my head and puts me in a weird place for the rest of the day.

No, I'm not talking about the nightmare I had a few weeks ago where I was being buried alive while simultaneously sinking in quicksand. Although I still remember that one a little too vividly...

Anyway, every so often, I have a dream where I either a.) have gone back in time and decided not to leave Korea or Prague (depending on what night it is, I guess, although this happens more with Korea); b.) decide to go back to either Korea or Prague in the present. Either of these scenarios makes me feel very happy and triumphant in the dream.

Each time this happens, I wake up disoriented, then disappointed because I realize I am still in Beeville and nothing has changed.

Because these dreams are somewhat recurring in that I have had them consistently for the past year and a half or so, I have to wonder if I'm expressing my deepest desires in my dreams because I don't let myself do that in real life. Or, I'm still not over what happened, as much as I want/pretend to be.

I'm not sure I'll ever really understand why I did the things I did during the whirlwind of experience that was the year 2009 for me. I remember how I felt at the time, but I don't know why I couldn't see past certain things. It doesn't seem like me.

I have days every now and then, still, when I think of Korea and/or Prague and all I feel is a huge sense of loss mixed with defeat. It wasn't supposed to end like that.

I know what I've said recently about wanting to start a life somewhere and be close to my family. Being away from them while overseas was harder than I'd anticipated. This whole job search thing has gotten me all out of sorts and questioning everything.

After all this time and all of these crazy things that I've done, I still don't really know what I want.

to sell out or not to sell out...

I didn't think that upon beginning my job search, I would feel this conflicted. Not that it matters much anyway; it's not like I have any choices until I get offered a position somewhere, but I thought the looking/applying process would be more straightforward.

I thought that I would zero in on jobs at magazines, daily newspapers, and corporation communications/PR divisions. Those would be the only jobs I would consider, and the corporation ones would be only if I supported what the corporation did so that I wouldn't be selling out by taking any of these jobs.

The problem is, selling out becomes a lot more attractive after you've been in the real world for awhile.

Ultimately, what I want to do is to write in some capacity. However, other factors are coming into consideration now (as opposed to a year ago) as I've realized that work isn't everything to me. It's a big thing, don't get me wrong, and I would like to keep caring about what I do, but it's not everything.

For instance, now, I have a job that I like, that's fulfilling (most of the time) and that almost pays the bills (I'll get to that in a minute). I have a great family; they're just far away. I have friends, but they're far away too. I know things could be so much worse. But I also know that I have no future here. If I wanted to continue to be a single loner who dreams up ways to occupy her free time with nothing going on other than work, I could stay.

But if I EVER want to have a family (never mind how many light years away from that I am right now), be involved in things outside of work, meet new people, or spend any time with my existing family and friends, I've gotta get out of here. I don't know if I'm just getting antsy or what, but I feel like all year I didn't let it hit me how much being isolated and cut off from civilization was affecting me, and now that I've begun opening myself up to new possibilities, it's just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Piece #1 of the great puzzle of what I want out of my life was getting a start at a writing career. I don't regret coming here to do that. God only knows where I would be now if I hadn't. But I'm realizing more than I ever did before that there are more pieces to that puzzle. If you're lucky enough to do something you love/believe in and get paid for it, that's great, but at the end of the day, a job really is just a job. Something we all have to do to support ourselves.

Now to the money part of it. I always, always said that as long as I made enough money to live on, I didn't care about it. What did I know? I don't think I'm being greedy. Right now, I make just under what I would need to really survive on my own. My parents pay for my car insurance and cell phone. I pay for everything else. But I literally can't afford to pay for my car insurance and cell phone. The sad truth is, even with a year of experience under my belt in the journalism world, even at a bigger paper or whatever, I can't expect to make much, if any, more than I make now. I'm learning this as I continue my search. One of the first jobs I applied for (this time) was at a daily paper in North Texas. I found out they pay $10,000 less a year than I make now. It made no sense to me, but that's the way it is (I won't be taking that job). I don't know how anybody stays in this field for a long period of time. I don't know I can realistically afford to stay. I don't need to get rich but I do need to pay my bills. I dream about what it would be like to not live paycheck to paycheck. And going back to the family thing, even if I were in a more desirable area, if I want to have a family, I can't be available to a newspaper all the time to go cover meetings after hours and elections long into the night. Again, not to borrow trouble (since that family is really only a figment of my imagination at this time)...

But this leads me to... if I left journalism, where would I go? I've applied for some more PR type jobs, some proofreading jobs, etc., but what else am I really trained for? I have a friend who left journalism a couple of years ago after working at small town papers to go to law school. I've flirted with that idea, but if I'm being honest, the last thing I want to do is go back to school. For a lot of reasons, money included.

All I really want to do is write. And have a life outside of my job. Is that really so much to ask for? Sadly, writers are not valued financially in our society...

Get rid of education? Sure, that's a GREAT idea!

Sometimes, the amount of absolute ignorance just astounds me.

I've been following this whole government shut down thing, and it appears that one of the hang-ups in getting something done is that the Republicans want to cut off federal funding to Planned Parenthood. Of course, they feel this is the way they're going to save all those unborn babies and God will reward them! I can see it now, John Boehner in a superhero outfit with a winged baby painted on his chest!

Of course, each of those babies will instead turn into one of the five screaming toddlers I see with one very young, disheveled single mom at HEB on Saturdays.

I realize that was a sweeping generalization. It might not have even made sense. I know that adamant pro-lifers would argue that so-and-so that the read about/saw on TV/heard speak at a pro-life convention was born because his unwed mother reconsidered her plans to have an abortion. To them I say, for every one of those cases, I could find you at least five kids whose parents are on welfare, who live in broken homes and who end up in jail or on welfare themselves.

I'm not for abortion itself. I don't think anyone is like, "yeah, let's kill babies!" (but of course, are we counting embryos as babies? Last time I checked, God hadn't gotten back to us on when life begins). Anyway, the point is, these pregnant girls, some of whom become mothers, are not getting properly educated about birth control. Or, more importantly, how to figure out if you're doing it for the right reasons (because I bet you a lot of them are doing it just because they think it's what you do in a relationship or they're afraid their boyfriend will leave them if they don't do it).

But you know who educates people about safe sex? PLANNED PARENTHOOD!!!!

Anyone with any amount of common sense will tell you that abortions are only a small percentage of what Planned Parenthood does. And, I've never been in this situation, but I bet you they're not like, Ok, so you want an abortion? Here you go! I bet there is some form of counseling or at least information-giving involved. Of course, I am talking about Republican'ts here, so I shouldn't expect common sense to come into play.

Wake up, GOP! If you do away with Planned Parenthood, people — including, perhaps especially teenagers — are not going to stop having sex. Even those good little Christian boys and girls who are taught that their bodies are bad and wrong. And what happens when good little boys and girls aren't educated? They do it without condoms. They get STDs. They don't even know they need to be tested for STDs (and when they don't even go all the way, nonetheless!). And yes, they get pregnant. Which starts the abortion debate in the first place.

If you don't believe teens need to be sexually active at all, it's your responsibility to talk to your own kids. But ultimately, they're going to find a way to do what they want. And they need to be prepared. And more importantly, there are a lot of kids out there whose parents (sadly) don't care or weren't educated themselves, so they have nowhere but places like Planned Parenthood or the school locker room to get their information.

Call me a bleeding heart. Maybe I am. But if Planned Parenthood gets taken away (or left up to the states, many of whom are bankrupt and/or have ignorant, ahem, rigidly conservative governors), expect a lot more diseases, little mouths to feed, and just plain confusion.

I understand that money is real problem right now for everybody. But let's find ways to move things around without doing away with needed services (don't tell me it can't be done; the Beeville superintendent cut the district budget by $1.1 million without laying off anybody or cutting programs!)

And don't even get me started on what they want to do to the EPA...

trying not to borrow trouble

I've been at the job search for a grand total of three days (not including the weekend).

I've gotten more response than I thought I would at this point (which is kind of cool because it's like I'm a real career person now, not just some college grad begging for a job, any job), but I am still worried/stressed out. Sort of. I have a phone interview tomorrow with a company in Houston that publishes online community newspapers in areas all over the city. It seems really cool and right up my alley. What worries me about it (other than being nervous about the interview itself) is what the salary/benefits will be. They weren't posted on the job ad. That's not such a big deal; I didn't know what my current salary would be when I was going through the interview process and it turned out ok. But now I have to make a certain amount of money (not a lot but you'd be surprised how low journalism jobs can pay) and I have, have, have to have benefits. As in medical insurance.

I'm just nervous that I'm not going to be able to find a job with what I need. And that no one will hire me. I think it's good for me to express these fears now, before my first interview, so that they're out of my system and I can focus on convincing these people that I'm who they want.

The other thing that's stressing me out about the search process, though—other than my growing anxiousness about moving back to civilization—is that all of my response so far has been in the Houston area. That's fine, I wanted to go either there or to Dallas/Fort Worth, but just as I'm beginning to get a real chance to move there (maybe—don't want to jinx it!), most of my family that lives there might be moving to Austin. A major reason I wanted to be in either of those two areas was so that I would be close to family and not stuck out somewhere by myself again. I'm tired of being the one who has to travel 4+ hours. I do like the Houston area though. Although I don't know what it's like not to have family there. It'd be so weird to be there without them. But there's no reason for me to borrow trouble. If I find the right job for me and it's in Houston, I'll still go. After all, there is difference between being family-less in BFE and being family-less in a very large city full of young single people like myself. And I wouldn't be totally family-less anyway. I have a couple of cousins, an uncle, and two very close friends who, as far as I know, have no plans to go anywhere.

If I'm being totally honest, where I'd really like to move is Fort Worth. But I haven't found any jobs there, at least not yet. I do need to remember that I've just begun looking.

Right now, I'm just trying to channel confidence. Cool, collected, poised, articulate confidence.

I need help!!!

Ok, blog readers, if any of you really are out there, I need some feedback. Below are links (well, url addresses, I can't remember how to make links) to some of the articles I've written in the past year (has it really been that long?!). I'm trying to have ready a bunch of clips for job applications, which I'll start working on soon. I want a good variety of stuff I've done so I can show my range, but I also want to make sure I'm putting forth my best work. On some of the categories below I have two or three options, so--because it's really hard to judge your own work sometimes--I would like to know which ones y'all think are the best.

Of course, the individual jobs I'm applying for will have some bearing on which clips I choose, but I'm just looking to find which stories are the best for each type. Also, some categories below only have one story that I've already chosen. You don't have to read those unless you want to.

Comment here or send me an email/FB message!

a facts reporting story: http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/12403655/article-%E2%80%98Women-are-worth-our-time%E2%80%99? OR http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/9931318/article-Peril-of-the-Pocketknife--Does-punishment-go-too-far-for-student-? OR http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/9846468/article-Good-dogs-go-missing--Is-it-dognappers-or-just-doggie-wanderlust--?

a human interest story: http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/10179740/article-A-tale-of-two-kidneys? OR http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/10823702/article-Their-%E2%80%98guardian-angel%E2%80%99? OR http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/12257325/article-%E2%80%98Tired-of-crying%E2%80%99? OR http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/7672679/article-S-T-grad-beats-the-odds?

a more opinion-based story: http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/9184518/article-Tax-free-weekend--Nightmare-or-dream-come-true-?

unique feature: http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/7261960/article-Lost-to-time--but-not-forgotten?

an instructional story: http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/11498802/article-Industry-experts-say--No-need-to-fear-%E2%80%98fraccing%E2%80%99-? OR http://mysoutex.com/view/full_story/7261730/article-South-Texas-goes-nuclear?

journal

Keeping a food/workout journal is a fantastic idea. More on this later.

on the edge of letting go

I'm sitting in my office trying not to eat an entire bag of dark chocolate almonds. I don't feel bad about it. They're semi-healthy (even if I have eaten 2 servings now). I got hungry early, ate the snack I brought from home (string cheese and Triscuits) and then got really hungry again. I don't think I had enough protein at lunch today. Plus, for the amount I've been working out, I think my hunger has increased slightly. Real hunger, not emotional cravings. I don't consider this a binge.

I've been doing really well with not eating processed sugar. My goal is to eat only one real dessert each week. I have stuck to that pretty well; last week I had two but that's ok. Instead, I eat fruity concoctions I make that don't have any sugar--frozen banana treats, yogurty things, etc., etc. It's gone well. I don't feel deprived of anything.

Also, I'm getting into really good shape. I've started doing a lot more heavy lifting in the gym, which I think has really made a difference. I've been running, biking and swimming regularly, staying on a schedule as much as I can with work and other commitments. I think I will definitely be triathlon-ready within the next couple of months. There's one in particular I have in mind (in June), but I'm not sure where I will be by then, so I may end up doing another one. And I may be ready to "tri" one (ha, ha, ha) before June, even. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm still managing to maintain some sort of social life. However, I have to say that the hardest thing about all of this is being back in old environments. People drinking whatever they want, not being mindful of the calories, eating fried food, staying up freakishly late, etc. I don't have anything against having a good time, but.... let's just say that these days, I like to plan my "good times" carefully so as not to throw me off track for an entire week or worse. And a "good time" to me doesn't really involve binge drinking, junk food, or staying up till 4 a.m. anymore. In that way, I feel like I'm creating an inevitable distance between some of my old friends and me. In a way, that's sad, but it's really ok. It's just the way it is. I don't want to do what they're doing, and for the most part, they don't want to do what I'm doing. I sort of wish they wanted to be healthier, but they don't right now, and I'll be ready to help them when they do.

I've also been thinking about how I define my personal happiness by my size. (I say size rather t than weight because I don't weigh myself). I want to change that, but the way I want it to change is by getting to my ideal size and staying there, something that I thought I had achieved a couple years ago, but surprise! Those pounds are just lurking around the corner if you don't stay conscious and careful. In a way, I'm glad because I am truly learning what it means to be healthy, again, something I thought I knew but so, so clearly did not.

The trick with this is going to be, I think, staying proactive about not gaining when I go through difficult, unhappy, or stressful times, as I have done in the past. My inner wellbeing does not need to be reflected in my pants size. In order to do this, I am going to have to continue to be vigilant about separating food (and exercise, for that matter) from my emotions. Thankfully, though, the process is a cycle. If can keep up my healthy eating and regular exercise, I tend to feel happier no matter what crappy things are happening in other areas of my life. It's something I'll always have to be aware of, but I feel confident now that I have the upper hand.

I know my posts lately have had a lot to do with food, working out, and body image. That probably gets a little tiresome to read about. But I truly, truly feel like I am on the brink of finally letting go of something that has haunted me and controlled my life since I was in junior high. And that's pretty huge--worth a few blog entries.

rational

Just an update to yesterday afternoon's rant:

Strangely enough, the person who calmed me down after everything was my dad. I guess it's not really that strange since he is probably the most rational person I know. It was just the first time that worked in my favor. Usually, he's being rational and arguing with me about something crazy I want to do that he thinks I shouldn't. I think most of the arguments, though, result from us being incredibly alike.

But anyway, after that and some internet research, I changed my appointment to a day when I can see Dr. Smith and realized that having to wait six more weeks to see the doctor I want to see really isn't a big deal in this situation.

In other news, I have definitely decided that career/location switch is in order ASAP, which will be mid-April. I'm not stupid or naive enough to quit a job before I have a new one, nor do I even want to do that, but while I love to write (obviously--do you see how often I blog, just about nothing?) and I want to keep writing, the hard news stuff just isn't for me. But that was the whole point of this job--to get started and to see where I fit into this field. Now I have an idea of the direction I want to take from here.

More about that later. It's Friday afternoon... it's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun!

Mark

I just cried because of a doctor's appointment.

When someone says that, you probably think they just heard bad news from the doctor. But that's not what happened. No, I cried over the scheduling of the doctor's appointment.

For about two years now, I've had this gross tumor on my left collarbone. It has grown considerably. This morning, I noticed that it now touches the base of my neck on one corner. It did not used to do that.

I got clearance from my work to use a sick day to have it looked at by my family doctor at home in Granbury. This means a 5 1/2 hour drive. Also, I have no paid sick days until mid-April, when I will have been working here for a full year. I took the first available day, Monday, April 18, and called the doctor's office to make the appointment. It needed to be on a Monday so I can go to the doctor in the morning and drive back here in the afternoon, only missing one day of work since I will have driven to Granbury Friday after work.

Only come to find out, Dr. Smith isn't there on Mondays. The physician's assistant is. So I, trying not to panic, ask if I can make the appointment for the Friday before, so I can still see him (the whole reason I am driving that far to see the doctor is that I don't trust any of the doctors down here and I really want someone familiar and credible to me to look at it). She says they are already booked. That's five weeks from now! Seriously?! So I, not knowing what else to do, ask how the assistant is (as I'm choking up and I can't help it).

"Mark? He's great," she says. "We've had some iffy ones in the past, but he's really good."

At least I know she wasn't going to say any old moron with a stethoscope was great. So I go ahead and make the appointment for Monday morning, April 18, according to the original plan, except that I won't be seeing Dr. Smith, who is probably the best doctor I've ever been to, I'll be seeing Mark. Ok.

I get off the phone and totally lose it. I get up and go to the bathroom, hopefully before anybody notices. I work with a bunch of dudes. I can't cry in front of them. I get in there, let it all out, semi-regain my composure and try to erase the red splotches and mascara stains from my face.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, this little incident wasn't that big of a deal and probably wasn't anything to cry over. But I think what upset me is everything the episode of trying to make the appointment represents: I have a gross thing in my body that I really want removed; to see what I feel is a decent doctor I have to do this whole dance of finding a time I can make the long drive, take a whole day off because of that, and I can only see him at very specific times because of that; and after all of this careful arranging, I can't even see the doctor I want to see!

I guess, plain and simple, what all of it boils down to is that I'm ready to get this thing removed and I want to go home. I know I don't have cancer and my life is not in danger, but I am afraid that the tumor is getting closer and closer to my major arteries and veins. That doesn't make me feel so confident about having surgery. Plus, I'll be honest, it looks ugly and people notice it if I'm wearing something where it shows. I don't want to plan my outfits around my tumor! I'll take the scar. And finally, I love my job and my co-workers, but I really do want to go home. Or at least somewhere where my family is very near. I'm tired of being stuck out in the boonies all by myself. That will be next on the agenda.

For now, I guess I'll keep my appointment with Mark.

back on track

I am TIRED.

But physically tired, which is the good kind of tired to me. I like the feeling that I've done something and worked hard, and I deserve to be tired. So much better than emotional exhaustion.

As I stated in my previous post, last week, I took a break. I didn't exercise, and I didn't worry about it. I think in a way, my workouts had become stale, plus I was really swamped at work with our editor being on vacation, so I just focused on that and didn't beat myself up for not doing anything else.

It turned out to be just what I needed. The risk you take when taking an exercise break is that if you wait too long, starting up again seems impossible. However, Saturday, somehow I dragged myself to the natatorium in San Antonio (I had to be in the city that afternoon anyway, so I went a little early). I'll be honest; it would've been really easy to just blow it off and go do something else until it was time to meet my friends. But I shut my brain off and got in the pool. And I ended up having a phenomenal workout, something else that usually happens after taking a break for a few days.

Sunday was a 5k run in College Station I was doing with some friends (the people I met up with Saturday in San Antonio). It sucked, but I did it. I just felt like crap the whole time, which was probably the result of a combination of factors. I got my worst time ever, but I don't really care, I'm not in these things for the racing part of it. Then Monday, I began working out in the mornings instead of the evenings. The evenings have become really hectic with work stuff, social stuff from time to time, and just the general maintenance of my life. Plus, I decided I was getting too much sleep at night because I found myself falling asleep around 10 and not waking up until 7:15 or so. So as of Monday, I get up around 6 or 6:15, get a workout in, and then it's done for the day. I find that I feel a lot better this way. Who would've thought?

So last Friday night, I watched this documentary called "Obesity: Killer at Large: America's Greatest Threat" and it totally opened my eyes to a lot I didn't know about nutrition and how it works with your brain chemistry and other things in your body. I had started this journey of eating as much organic, natural, whole foods as possible a few months ago (I call it not eating science experiment food), and it had been going really well up until recently. I guess it just kind of got a little stale for me, I got busy, and I fell off the wagon just briefly.

Well, this movie was what I needed to get right back on. I won't bore you with the details of the film, but if you're interested you should definitely watch it. I will say that it changed--even more--the way I look at food. I can't believe I used to not even think twice about what was in my food or where it came from. Another thing that really struck me was how the same receptors in your brain that cause addictions to heroine and cocaine do the same thing with processed sugar. Yuck.

I know it's not realistic to think that I'll never eat anything bad for me again, but everything I eat is a conscious choice, and if I take the time to think about it, I'll be able to overcome a lot. And it's fun to try out new recipes that don't use any processed foods. I know this probably won't be the last time I fall off the wagon for a brief time, but now I know I can get right back on without making it into a big, year+ long disaster. This is also a way for me to stay healthy as more of a hobby (for lack of a better word) that I can feel good about rather than being obsessed with my weight all the time. Talk about exhausting.

Going back to the exercise, I'm ready to train for a sprint triathlon in June, something I've wanted to do for a long time, but wasn't in shape enough for. It's going well so far, and I know I'll have days when I feel burned out, but, as I said before, I know how to push through and get back on the horse.

A couple of other things going on in my life right now:

1. My tumor (on my collarbone) has grown considerably. It is now touching my neck, which it did not do before. My year anniversary at the paper is in April, which means I get paid sick days, so I am having it looked at by my family doctor in Granbury then. Hopefully, surgery will follow pretty soon after that.
2. I love my job, but I'm starting to get pretty bored. I'm ready for more responsibility, and after I reach the year mark here, I'm going to start looking for a way to find it... elsewhere.
3. I guess that's it for now!
   

preview to the next reflection

Well, I've been absent from the blogosphere for longer than usual. I think I just needed some time away from thinking and analyzing, and more time just doing. Last week I took a little mental/physical/emotional break. And this week, I feel more focused and content than ever. However, I get off work in 2 minutes, so my reflecting on this will have to wait--probably until tomorrow.

a further insight

I think I figured out why it has all been worth it (see post below).

It changed me.

choices

I think I'm addicted to the move.

I have days when I'm really homesick for Korea, Prague, home, etc., particularly after I've had a dream I moved back to one of those places and made everything right, so to speak. Last night, I dreamed I went back to Prague. It turned into some weird bizarro dream after that but now the Prague idea is in my head. Then, this morning, my friend who is just finishing up her year in Korea told me about how she is getting ready to spend four months backpacking around the world. How awesome is that? I'm really happy for her, but it did bring back the regret of leaving Korea early, all the what-ifs that I'm able to ignore most of the time but spring to the surface from time to time. I feel like that's happened a lot lately.

I still don't know if I did the right thing. I know it doesn't matter now. I think about all the crap I would've had to do for that school that I really didn't want to do and my initial reaction is relief that I didn't have to do any of it. But then I think about other things. The accomplishment I would have had for sticking it out, especially since I had to psych myself up to go to work everyday. That would've made finishing that much sweeter. The travel I missed out on, the money I missed out on. The question of where would I be done and what would I have done when I finished. Where would I have gone? I can't believe I wasn't able to pull myself out of the flip-out to realize some of those travel dreams I still have. I think at the time, I thought I didn't care about that anymore and I just wanted to go home. I think everything in my life leading up to me actually going to Korea was actually the reason for what happened in Korea. If had gone a year earlier, it probably would've been completely different.

The greatest sorrow of it all to me is remembering how excited I was before Prague. How I anticipated it for months and months, thinking finally, finally I was going abroad. I was getting on a plane by myself and having an adventure, something I'd always wanted to do. I didn't plan on coming back for at least a year, if ever, really. And the thing I still haven't quite gotten over is that Prague (and any subsequent travel/abroad experiences after, including Korea) wasn't supposed to be another thing I failed at, didn't do, didn't finish, ultimately feel sadness and regret about. And then it was. It is. I don't regret going, I regret not staying. And I know better than to dwell on that. I've got a really good thing going on right now, even if it is getting a little stale.

Which brings me to the next part of the moving-addiction equation. Through all of that tumultuous travel period, what was exciting about all of it, each time I moved, was the sense of possibility. Even when I got home from Korea and was getting ready to move to San Antonio, I was excited. It was a new phase. A chance to start over (but can you ever really do that?), to work toward a real career. Then, three months later, I got the job in Beeville. Again, I was super excited. Finally, I was going to get paid to write and to know what was going on. I was going to learn all about journalism and I was going to see my name in print on real stories, not just entertainment blurbs at San Antonio Magazine. I knew Beeville wasn't going to be my ideal location, but it would be worth it. And so far, despite everything else, it has been.

But.

As every day inches closer to my one-year mark (and while I wish I could say I spent a whole year in a foreign country instead of in Beeville, TX, the point is that I lasted a whole year somewhere), I start to get the itch. Restlessness takes over and I can see the gleam in my eye, the hope for possibility and anticipation of something totally different. The flip side of that, of course, is that after all my most recent moves, I know that starting over somewhere else is really hard for a little while. And I'm pretty in tune to everything here now, at work. I've even made friends in town. None of that came fast or easily. It's really okay because in order to move forward, I'm going to have to move eventually, and it will probably take at least a few months to find something once I start looking (which I reeeeally want to do right now but I'm making myself wait till my anniversary in April). Plus, now that I have real experience, I'm not going to even apply for anything I don't really want, especially because I'm not unhappy here. I would even say I am happy. I'm kind of afraid that the hunger, the wanting more even though I am happy, will be my ultimate downfall.

I don't believe you really can have it all. There is always something missing, something you would've done differently, and maybe those missing pieces are worth it because you sacrificed them for what you do have, or least you couldn't have both at the same time. Maybe the real trick is choosing what you'll miss and then letting it go. I guess I'm just in a place where I still don't have anything tying me down, and there are still decisions to be made.