I think I figured out why it has all been worth it (see post below).
It changed me.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
choices
I think I'm addicted to the move.
I have days when I'm really homesick for Korea, Prague, home, etc., particularly after I've had a dream I moved back to one of those places and made everything right, so to speak. Last night, I dreamed I went back to Prague. It turned into some weird bizarro dream after that but now the Prague idea is in my head. Then, this morning, my friend who is just finishing up her year in Korea told me about how she is getting ready to spend four months backpacking around the world. How awesome is that? I'm really happy for her, but it did bring back the regret of leaving Korea early, all the what-ifs that I'm able to ignore most of the time but spring to the surface from time to time. I feel like that's happened a lot lately.
I still don't know if I did the right thing. I know it doesn't matter now. I think about all the crap I would've had to do for that school that I really didn't want to do and my initial reaction is relief that I didn't have to do any of it. But then I think about other things. The accomplishment I would have had for sticking it out, especially since I had to psych myself up to go to work everyday. That would've made finishing that much sweeter. The travel I missed out on, the money I missed out on. The question of where would I be done and what would I have done when I finished. Where would I have gone? I can't believe I wasn't able to pull myself out of the flip-out to realize some of those travel dreams I still have. I think at the time, I thought I didn't care about that anymore and I just wanted to go home. I think everything in my life leading up to me actually going to Korea was actually the reason for what happened in Korea. If had gone a year earlier, it probably would've been completely different.
The greatest sorrow of it all to me is remembering how excited I was before Prague. How I anticipated it for months and months, thinking finally, finally I was going abroad. I was getting on a plane by myself and having an adventure, something I'd always wanted to do. I didn't plan on coming back for at least a year, if ever, really. And the thing I still haven't quite gotten over is that Prague (and any subsequent travel/abroad experiences after, including Korea) wasn't supposed to be another thing I failed at, didn't do, didn't finish, ultimately feel sadness and regret about. And then it was. It is. I don't regret going, I regret not staying. And I know better than to dwell on that. I've got a really good thing going on right now, even if it is getting a little stale.
Which brings me to the next part of the moving-addiction equation. Through all of that tumultuous travel period, what was exciting about all of it, each time I moved, was the sense of possibility. Even when I got home from Korea and was getting ready to move to San Antonio, I was excited. It was a new phase. A chance to start over (but can you ever really do that?), to work toward a real career. Then, three months later, I got the job in Beeville. Again, I was super excited. Finally, I was going to get paid to write and to know what was going on. I was going to learn all about journalism and I was going to see my name in print on real stories, not just entertainment blurbs at San Antonio Magazine. I knew Beeville wasn't going to be my ideal location, but it would be worth it. And so far, despite everything else, it has been.
But.
As every day inches closer to my one-year mark (and while I wish I could say I spent a whole year in a foreign country instead of in Beeville, TX, the point is that I lasted a whole year somewhere), I start to get the itch. Restlessness takes over and I can see the gleam in my eye, the hope for possibility and anticipation of something totally different. The flip side of that, of course, is that after all my most recent moves, I know that starting over somewhere else is really hard for a little while. And I'm pretty in tune to everything here now, at work. I've even made friends in town. None of that came fast or easily. It's really okay because in order to move forward, I'm going to have to move eventually, and it will probably take at least a few months to find something once I start looking (which I reeeeally want to do right now but I'm making myself wait till my anniversary in April). Plus, now that I have real experience, I'm not going to even apply for anything I don't really want, especially because I'm not unhappy here. I would even say I am happy. I'm kind of afraid that the hunger, the wanting more even though I am happy, will be my ultimate downfall.
I don't believe you really can have it all. There is always something missing, something you would've done differently, and maybe those missing pieces are worth it because you sacrificed them for what you do have, or least you couldn't have both at the same time. Maybe the real trick is choosing what you'll miss and then letting it go. I guess I'm just in a place where I still don't have anything tying me down, and there are still decisions to be made.
I have days when I'm really homesick for Korea, Prague, home, etc., particularly after I've had a dream I moved back to one of those places and made everything right, so to speak. Last night, I dreamed I went back to Prague. It turned into some weird bizarro dream after that but now the Prague idea is in my head. Then, this morning, my friend who is just finishing up her year in Korea told me about how she is getting ready to spend four months backpacking around the world. How awesome is that? I'm really happy for her, but it did bring back the regret of leaving Korea early, all the what-ifs that I'm able to ignore most of the time but spring to the surface from time to time. I feel like that's happened a lot lately.
I still don't know if I did the right thing. I know it doesn't matter now. I think about all the crap I would've had to do for that school that I really didn't want to do and my initial reaction is relief that I didn't have to do any of it. But then I think about other things. The accomplishment I would have had for sticking it out, especially since I had to psych myself up to go to work everyday. That would've made finishing that much sweeter. The travel I missed out on, the money I missed out on. The question of where would I be done and what would I have done when I finished. Where would I have gone? I can't believe I wasn't able to pull myself out of the flip-out to realize some of those travel dreams I still have. I think at the time, I thought I didn't care about that anymore and I just wanted to go home. I think everything in my life leading up to me actually going to Korea was actually the reason for what happened in Korea. If had gone a year earlier, it probably would've been completely different.
The greatest sorrow of it all to me is remembering how excited I was before Prague. How I anticipated it for months and months, thinking finally, finally I was going abroad. I was getting on a plane by myself and having an adventure, something I'd always wanted to do. I didn't plan on coming back for at least a year, if ever, really. And the thing I still haven't quite gotten over is that Prague (and any subsequent travel/abroad experiences after, including Korea) wasn't supposed to be another thing I failed at, didn't do, didn't finish, ultimately feel sadness and regret about. And then it was. It is. I don't regret going, I regret not staying. And I know better than to dwell on that. I've got a really good thing going on right now, even if it is getting a little stale.
Which brings me to the next part of the moving-addiction equation. Through all of that tumultuous travel period, what was exciting about all of it, each time I moved, was the sense of possibility. Even when I got home from Korea and was getting ready to move to San Antonio, I was excited. It was a new phase. A chance to start over (but can you ever really do that?), to work toward a real career. Then, three months later, I got the job in Beeville. Again, I was super excited. Finally, I was going to get paid to write and to know what was going on. I was going to learn all about journalism and I was going to see my name in print on real stories, not just entertainment blurbs at San Antonio Magazine. I knew Beeville wasn't going to be my ideal location, but it would be worth it. And so far, despite everything else, it has been.
But.
As every day inches closer to my one-year mark (and while I wish I could say I spent a whole year in a foreign country instead of in Beeville, TX, the point is that I lasted a whole year somewhere), I start to get the itch. Restlessness takes over and I can see the gleam in my eye, the hope for possibility and anticipation of something totally different. The flip side of that, of course, is that after all my most recent moves, I know that starting over somewhere else is really hard for a little while. And I'm pretty in tune to everything here now, at work. I've even made friends in town. None of that came fast or easily. It's really okay because in order to move forward, I'm going to have to move eventually, and it will probably take at least a few months to find something once I start looking (which I reeeeally want to do right now but I'm making myself wait till my anniversary in April). Plus, now that I have real experience, I'm not going to even apply for anything I don't really want, especially because I'm not unhappy here. I would even say I am happy. I'm kind of afraid that the hunger, the wanting more even though I am happy, will be my ultimate downfall.
I don't believe you really can have it all. There is always something missing, something you would've done differently, and maybe those missing pieces are worth it because you sacrificed them for what you do have, or least you couldn't have both at the same time. Maybe the real trick is choosing what you'll miss and then letting it go. I guess I'm just in a place where I still don't have anything tying me down, and there are still decisions to be made.
Monday, February 14, 2011
with a little help from the sun...
Well, I'm finally feeling like myself again. I think the sunshine helps.
I had a really phenomenal weekend, beginning with lunch on Friday. I finally made a friend in Beeville who is not married, has no children, is under 30, and is not super religious (no offense to my friends who ARE all of those things, but it's just nice to meet someone more on my level). She moved to Beeville because she got a job as a librarian at our public library. I interviewed her for the paper, she emailed me and asked me for a copy of the photo I took of her, and from there we got to talking and decided to have lunch.
I almost backed out of it. I was not having a good morning on Friday, and I wasn't sure I felt up to making conversation with someone I didn't know. But I went, and I'm so glad I did. It wasn't hard to talk to her at all; we never really ran out things to say. And it seems like we have a lot in common. I have to say, she surprised me. I was kind of expecting her to be this snobby, academic type and she isn't at all. She's funny and down to earth. We have plans to hang out again this week.
So anyway, after lunch on Friday, I was in a much better mood. Then, after work, I drove down to Corpus to see some old friends. I had had tentative plans with a friend I see fairly often there to see a play on the TAMUCC campus, and we ended up seeing the Vagina Monologues with some people from the Writing Center because one of them was in it. The monologues were okay, but it was really fun to see some people I hadn't seen in a loooong time and had even thought they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I'm talking about one person in particular here, and it turns out she had been emailing me at an old address. Who knew? So anyway, we got that straightened out and now we have plans to swim together during the week, like we used to do when I lived there. So after the show, we went out for dinner and drinks, and it was a good time. Sometimes it's nice just to act like a 20-something year old and not so grown up. I'm not as wild as I used to be (I don't have the time or the stamina), but sometimes I just want to let loose and party. So that was nice.
And, I'm proud to say, I got up the next morning and went for a 4 mile run on Ocean Drive. I was really excited about this because I used to run there a lot and it's beautiful scenery. It was a nice change of scenery from where I usually run in Beeville. I was proud, though, after having gone to bed after 2, that I got up at 9 and did that. I just really felt like I needed it, and the weather was too good not to.
So anyway, Friday night is a good night to go out if I'm going to, because then I still have the rest of the weekend to recover and get things done. I went home, did laundry, picked up a little bit, took a nap, went grocery shopping and cooked dinner.
When I started a small grease fire. I was making a tomato sauce with bacon in it, and you're supposed to slice up the bacon first (obviously). So I put the oil in the pot (because the bacon cooks first) and turned on the stove while I sliced the bacon. Well, I wasn't really watching it because when I went back to the stove to put the bacon in, the oil had turned black and was smoking. I quickly turned off the heat and picked up the pot, at which point the oil caught fire. Almost immediately, the smoke alarm went off. I, in a panic, opened the door, turned on the fan, and frantically searched for my phone (the fire was contained in the pot, but I knew you don't put water on a grease fire, but I didn't know how you do put it out). Finally, after turning my purse upside down, I found it, and called my mom. Unfortunately, she was at a work thing with my dad and didn't answer, so I thought fast and called my grandmother. She told me to put baking soda on the fire, I did, and it was out. By then, my pot was ruined, but I'm just thankful nothing else caught on fire during all of that.
I continued cooking, then watched I Am Sam on Netflix. What a great movie. Sean Penn must be one of the best actors ever. I've never seen him in anything where he didn't do an amazing job. I got a lot of reading/movie watching done Saturday and Sunday, which is something I've wanted to make more time for. I went to the club bike ride yesterday afternoon too, which was super hard seeing how I haven't ridden that far (I think we did about 25 miles) since right before Christmas. But I needed it. Right now, I'm just trying to stay in shape/get more in shape. When April rolls around, I'll think about training a little harder to do a triathlon in June. I reeeally want to do another one, and I think I'm almost there.
This weekend felt longer than most, in a good way. When I say I feel more like myself, I mean I'm back to doing all of the things that make me who I am (exercising, reading, watching movies, cooking clean healthy food, seeing friends), and more importantly, enjoying all those things and remembering why I do them.
The sunshine definitely helped me wake up again. It's amazing how the weather can affect you without you even realizing it.
I had a really phenomenal weekend, beginning with lunch on Friday. I finally made a friend in Beeville who is not married, has no children, is under 30, and is not super religious (no offense to my friends who ARE all of those things, but it's just nice to meet someone more on my level). She moved to Beeville because she got a job as a librarian at our public library. I interviewed her for the paper, she emailed me and asked me for a copy of the photo I took of her, and from there we got to talking and decided to have lunch.
I almost backed out of it. I was not having a good morning on Friday, and I wasn't sure I felt up to making conversation with someone I didn't know. But I went, and I'm so glad I did. It wasn't hard to talk to her at all; we never really ran out things to say. And it seems like we have a lot in common. I have to say, she surprised me. I was kind of expecting her to be this snobby, academic type and she isn't at all. She's funny and down to earth. We have plans to hang out again this week.
So anyway, after lunch on Friday, I was in a much better mood. Then, after work, I drove down to Corpus to see some old friends. I had had tentative plans with a friend I see fairly often there to see a play on the TAMUCC campus, and we ended up seeing the Vagina Monologues with some people from the Writing Center because one of them was in it. The monologues were okay, but it was really fun to see some people I hadn't seen in a loooong time and had even thought they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I'm talking about one person in particular here, and it turns out she had been emailing me at an old address. Who knew? So anyway, we got that straightened out and now we have plans to swim together during the week, like we used to do when I lived there. So after the show, we went out for dinner and drinks, and it was a good time. Sometimes it's nice just to act like a 20-something year old and not so grown up. I'm not as wild as I used to be (I don't have the time or the stamina), but sometimes I just want to let loose and party. So that was nice.
And, I'm proud to say, I got up the next morning and went for a 4 mile run on Ocean Drive. I was really excited about this because I used to run there a lot and it's beautiful scenery. It was a nice change of scenery from where I usually run in Beeville. I was proud, though, after having gone to bed after 2, that I got up at 9 and did that. I just really felt like I needed it, and the weather was too good not to.
So anyway, Friday night is a good night to go out if I'm going to, because then I still have the rest of the weekend to recover and get things done. I went home, did laundry, picked up a little bit, took a nap, went grocery shopping and cooked dinner.
When I started a small grease fire. I was making a tomato sauce with bacon in it, and you're supposed to slice up the bacon first (obviously). So I put the oil in the pot (because the bacon cooks first) and turned on the stove while I sliced the bacon. Well, I wasn't really watching it because when I went back to the stove to put the bacon in, the oil had turned black and was smoking. I quickly turned off the heat and picked up the pot, at which point the oil caught fire. Almost immediately, the smoke alarm went off. I, in a panic, opened the door, turned on the fan, and frantically searched for my phone (the fire was contained in the pot, but I knew you don't put water on a grease fire, but I didn't know how you do put it out). Finally, after turning my purse upside down, I found it, and called my mom. Unfortunately, she was at a work thing with my dad and didn't answer, so I thought fast and called my grandmother. She told me to put baking soda on the fire, I did, and it was out. By then, my pot was ruined, but I'm just thankful nothing else caught on fire during all of that.
I continued cooking, then watched I Am Sam on Netflix. What a great movie. Sean Penn must be one of the best actors ever. I've never seen him in anything where he didn't do an amazing job. I got a lot of reading/movie watching done Saturday and Sunday, which is something I've wanted to make more time for. I went to the club bike ride yesterday afternoon too, which was super hard seeing how I haven't ridden that far (I think we did about 25 miles) since right before Christmas. But I needed it. Right now, I'm just trying to stay in shape/get more in shape. When April rolls around, I'll think about training a little harder to do a triathlon in June. I reeeally want to do another one, and I think I'm almost there.
This weekend felt longer than most, in a good way. When I say I feel more like myself, I mean I'm back to doing all of the things that make me who I am (exercising, reading, watching movies, cooking clean healthy food, seeing friends), and more importantly, enjoying all those things and remembering why I do them.
The sunshine definitely helped me wake up again. It's amazing how the weather can affect you without you even realizing it.
Friday, February 11, 2011
the balancing act
Every since I began my "lifestyle change" to become healthier (about 7 months ago), I have had these moments where I'm torn between doing social things and not because I'm afraid they will disrupt my routine.
I think it's time I find more of a balance. Not even a balance--just a way to incorporate having a social life into my lifestyle/routine.
I've been dealing a lot lately (and have written on here a lot lately) with binge eating struggles that have reared their ugly heads after several months of not really having a problem. I think I've finally gotten to the root of them. Throughout the late summer, fall, and holiday season, I was busy almost every weekend.
Now, I am not quite as busy and I have also been more and more lonely. When I get lonely and bored, that's when I seem to get the most self-destructive. That's when I sit around and eat or think about what I want to eat and then eat it. It's still true that I need to find another coping mechanism, but if I spend more time being busy, seeing friends without overdoing the partying, and finding things that I want to participate in, like the kayaking class I took in October, then all that time I won't be sitting around pigging out. I definitely noticed in the last couple of weekends that I ate and thought about food less when I was out having fun with other people and not sitting at home.
I've heard it said (yes, ok, on the Biggest Loser) that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail." I never really believed that until recently, but I've noticed more and more how true it is. On days when I just think, "oh, I might work out later," or I can't decide what kind of work out I want to do and I think, "oh, I'll just see what I feel like doing," most of the time I end up not working out at all. Lesson learned.
I'm still not sure what to do about coping when I get upset without food, but I'm working on it.
I think it's time I find more of a balance. Not even a balance--just a way to incorporate having a social life into my lifestyle/routine.
I've been dealing a lot lately (and have written on here a lot lately) with binge eating struggles that have reared their ugly heads after several months of not really having a problem. I think I've finally gotten to the root of them. Throughout the late summer, fall, and holiday season, I was busy almost every weekend.
Now, I am not quite as busy and I have also been more and more lonely. When I get lonely and bored, that's when I seem to get the most self-destructive. That's when I sit around and eat or think about what I want to eat and then eat it. It's still true that I need to find another coping mechanism, but if I spend more time being busy, seeing friends without overdoing the partying, and finding things that I want to participate in, like the kayaking class I took in October, then all that time I won't be sitting around pigging out. I definitely noticed in the last couple of weekends that I ate and thought about food less when I was out having fun with other people and not sitting at home.
I've heard it said (yes, ok, on the Biggest Loser) that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail." I never really believed that until recently, but I've noticed more and more how true it is. On days when I just think, "oh, I might work out later," or I can't decide what kind of work out I want to do and I think, "oh, I'll just see what I feel like doing," most of the time I end up not working out at all. Lesson learned.
I'm still not sure what to do about coping when I get upset without food, but I'm working on it.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
here's a list
THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING ME TODAY:
- My failure at being a thin, healthy person
- The stock show people who will not call me back/answer my questions/send me the info I need to be done with this whole stupid topic that nobody outside of this dumb region gives a tiny rat's ass about
- My boss seems to think I am an idiot who doesn't know what's going on and insists on repeating things to me/explaining things to me that don't need repeating/explaining
- Other people I need for other stories not calling me back, therefore there is nothing more I can do at work right now and might as well not even be here
- The fact that I any day now I am going to turn into the crazy cat lady...except that I hate cats, so just the crazy hermit lady
- The fact that until I become a thin, healthy person who is not a crazy hermit I can forget about dating
- I'M JUST OVER IT. ALL OF IT. THE END.
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