Search This Blog

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

more of the same

A couple more options in the great "what the fuck am I doing with myself" escapade have made me realize (or at least come closer to realizing) what I actually want to do.

Before I go into this, I would just like to say that a year or two ago, my dear friend Audrey (whom I wish I kept in better touch with and whom, out of all of my friends is one of the most like me) said something about how she read that in your 20s, you should try out a lot of different jobs and careers to find out what you really like/want to do. Well, I didn't really set out to do that, but I've definitely done it. And I think it's proved to be good advice, in the end (not that this is the end, but in 3 days I will officially be in my late 20s), at least for people like me who have a hard time making decisions and committing and who learn the best by trying things for themselves.

As opportunities have arisen the past few weeks for me to teach in Houston, for me to work in communications/public relations for a business (that opportunity actually got taken away before I could decline, but I'm pretty sure that I would have), and for me to move into my best friend in Granbury's house rent-free (at first), none of those have quite felt right.

I'm big on things feeling right. Feeling right is different than being scared or nervous. Feeling right is knowing in your gut that even though you're nervous/scared, you're doing the right thing. I'm very big on this. I've said before that I have to do everything in my own time, and this kind of goes along with that. Something may not be right at one time, but it can be at another. (Of course sometimes, I'm just an idiot and can't see what's right in front of me).

What feels right to me is doing what I set out to do two years ago before I let myself get thrown off track. In a more focused way, of course. I'm going to go overseas for a year or two, depending on how things go, save some money, and go to school OUT OF STATE to become a librarian. I'm thinking either Boston (number one in my head right now), Seattle, or Denver. Those are all very different places, but I'm attracted to them all. And I have time to work all that out.

I must say that as I just typed that paragraph, I felt very determined and sure of myself. That is one way I know my gut feeling is right. There are times when I type something like that, pertaining to my future or my goals, and I can just feel in my fingers that's never really going to happen. Maybe that's weird, but I can. My fingers are sure this time. Maybe it won't happen exactly as I think it will right now, but I will get to where I want to be. I'm sure of it.

I think I had more to say about this, but it's taking a very strange turn, so I'm going to sign off for now.

It's time to be brave. And patient. So I don't go insane.


Thursday, August 18, 2011

thought vomit

I'm starting to get my creativity back, I think.

After being ass-numbingly bored out of my skull with all of the "journalism" I've been doing lately, it's been refreshing to work on some projects of my own. And remembering how much I love it.

I loved the work I did in Beeville, but I think it may have been a very unique situation. Now that I've gotten out of that bubble (of the booming South Texas economy), I'm back in the rest of the world. Where it's cutthroat and we're all a dime a dozen.

My strengths have been writing features and human interest pieces and also researching complex issues and writing about them for the general public. I'm not so great at breaking news or "keeping my finger on the pulse of the community" (God, I hate cliche journalism phrases... I've read to many job descriptions in the past couple of years; the other one I hate is "a nose for news," which I don't really have either).

What I think this means is that while I'm good at interviewing people and telling their stories, I'm not necessarily a hard-hitting journalist. I may be a damn good writer, but I think it may be time to find a better way to make a living and use my writing for my own, independent projects.

I'm glad I got the opportunity to work for a small town paper, though. It was one of the most fun times I've ever had. And I'm glad I'm figuring all of this out now.

In a way, it's like I'm coming full circle. I started out in the academic world and I'm on my way back. I've always done everything the hard way, and while that's been a big pain in the ass in a lot of ways, things just don't seem to work for me unless I do them in my own time. I guess I just need extra time to process and reflect. The world doesn't usually work that way, unfortunately, but I'm learning to function in it anyway.

I'm not sure if any of this post made any sense at all. These were all just thoughts I needed to expel from my head.

Friday, August 12, 2011

go find your life

I've been thinking a lot about... well, several things these past few weeks.

There's a quote from "The Help," which I just finished reading, that I can't get out of my head. Toward the end of the book, the character who wrote the book (within the book) gets offered a job in New York but at first says she won't take it because people need her in Jackson. One of the other characters tells her that's ridiculous because she has nothing left in Jackson. She tells her, "Go find your life."

Maybe it's because I identified so much with that character (Skeeter), but I just feel like she was talking to me. My family is here in Texas, but I'm starting to feel again and again, and stronger this time, that I have no future here. At least not right now. My friends are moving on, settling down, finding their lives, if you will. And I'm still flailing. The harder I try not to flail, the worse I do, it seems. I'm not happy in my career, I have nothing to keep me here, and I just feel like I fit in better... elsewhere. I love Texas, but I need a break for awhile.

Maybe it's also because this week, I found out through mild facebook stalking that (get ready for an embarrassing story) someone I was head over heels for in high school is engaged (apparently he has been for awhile, I just hadn't stalked him in several months). That shouldn't be a big deal, but this person was a very close friend of mine and it was one of those situations where everyone thought we were or should be together and I secretly wanted that but it never happened (I really loved him). I still valued his friendship though; I don't want to cheapen that. Anyway, after all this time, and even though I haven't seen or talked to him in 4 1/2 years, I still liked having the idea of him in my head. Even though I know that's stupid and immature and I don't really even know him anymore, I liked the idea. Sometimes it was all I had during some pretty dry spells in my dating life. The "extreme/exceptional" drought of Texas has nothing on my love life. Him getting engaged ruins that fantasy. (although last night he and his fiance, whom I've never met, were BOTH in my dream... aaaauuuggghh).

Anyway, I think what struck me so much about it was less that he, a person who I for all intents and purposes don't know anymore, is getting married, but that I am not. And I really, honestly, don't want to be right now. I know I can be bitter, and I do get lonely sometimes, but it's more about the fact that I'm losing my friends to this institution than it is about wanting someone for myself. Even if I fell in love right now, I don't think I'd want to get married. Everything about doing normal settling down things makes me want to run the other way. Freedom and pride are very important to me, however wrong or right that may be. More important to me than finding "the one" (what a crock of shit that is anyway--I believe in the possibility of being with someone for a long time and being happy, but I don't believe there's one perfect person for everybody... but I digress).

Add this one instance to the probably hundreds of others that are happening with my friends now. I am seriously one of the only people I know who is not in a serious relationship, married, and/or has a child. And while I still love all of my friends, it changes things; it just does. I'm tired of being the only single one EVERYWHERE, I'm tired of being the only one who rejects all these societal constructs, and I'm just... tired. I've spent my entire life dreaming of going off and living in these interesting places (not that Texas isn't interesting!) and doing what I really wanted. I've gotten close a couple of times, even flown across the world, but I haven't quite hit it yet. And I'm realizing more and more that I'm not ready to give up.

It's hard to leave my family and friends behind, but I'll be okay. I know this sounds bad, but I've let it get to a point where it's almost like my love and need for them is so intense that it's holding me back. It's keeping me from moving on. It's freaking hard, harder than I ever imagined, but it just goes back to I have to find my life. Not theirs. They'll still and will always be there for me, but at the end of the day, all I have is myself. I need to start trusting me.

The difference between now and the times before is that this time, I feel really clear-headed. The other times, I felt like I was running in circles.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

the antidote

Tonight I drove to Galveston for the hell of it. I NEEDED the ocean. And most nights (and weekends) here in Clear Lake, I am bored out of my mind. I just can't seem to get it together. I know it took a few months, but in Beeville, I would get really excited about cooking and that would take up a good portion of my evenings. But here, I don't seem to give a shit. There's plenty to do here too, outside my apartment. But I don't give a shit about that either. It's like I'm here, but I'm not really. I'm looking for myself, and I don't know how to find me. Driving to the beach was part of the search. I think I found a piece.


So I parked on the seawall (it's still free! I think till 2012) and walked out into the ocean fully clothed. By into the ocean, that's what I mean. I didn't go underwater or anything, but I was in up to my thighs. I realized as I felt that first rush of waves on my ankles that I hadn't been in the ocean all summer. Where has the summer gone?

It was fabulous. I am always mesmerized by the ocean. Its vastness, its endlessness, its power. It's like a big, beautiful creature that is comforting but you know could kill you. Just swallow you up. Sometimes it scares me how much it fascinates me. I love it.

I stayed at the beach awhile, sitting on the jetty, watching the waves and all the little kids. It was so nice to smell the salt again. Then, I took an inadvertent tour of Galveston on my way out of town, but now I know where the strand, UTMB, opera house and some other places are.

Next week, I'll be going back up to the Woodlands to make a little extra money babysitting. When I go, I stay with my grandmother, whom I love, although when we lived together for a couple of months, she drove me crazy (I think it was mutual). Now, when I go stay up there for a few days, she doesn't bother me nearly as much because I'm just so happy there's someone there.

It shouldn't be this hard. I've lived alone three times before this. I think the difference now is that all of those times, I had a large group of coworkers and/or friends to interact with during the day. Now, it's just me and Doug, and while we get along superbly, he's gone a lot of the time doing sales, I'm not always working out of the office either, etc., etc. So I spend a ridiculous amount of time alone. I'm not afraid of being alone, mind you, I'm independent almost to a fault. But we're social creatures. And being alone all the time drives me batshit crazy. For real.

Although I had to move on and I didn't belong there, I really, really miss my work family in Beeville. That kooky little town in general. Tonight I had the thought that in many ways, that'll probably be one of the best years of my life, as hard as that probably is for most people to understand. I know I'll never have a better employer. I don't have a single regret about it. And I don't say that about a lot of experiences.