I feel I've had something of an awakening the past few days, when I was in New York City. Or maybe a re-awakening is a more accurate description.
It was my first time in NYC, of course, (a place I have always wanted to go), but I have been to other big, densely populated cities before. Paris, Boston, Prague, Seoul, Beijing. I hadn't been to one in a little over 2 years, though, so it was kind of like over time, I had forgotten what they were like and how to function in one. I am a very independent person, and I don't have any problem exploring by myself, taking (and figuring out) public transportation by myself, eating by myself, etc. Even so, I have been living in Texas (rural Texas at that, save for a few months in Houston and San Antonio, which is still a completely different urban experience because everybody drives) for a couple of years and only left it to go to Georgia for a weekend since I came back from Korea in January 2010. So, I was a little nervous about wandering around NYC by myself. Of course, I only had to do that for about a day and half -- the other times, my dear friend Jacob was my tour guide.
At first, I was a little freaked out and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, like all these New Yorkers were so much worldlier than me, and I was this country bumpkin who couldn't keep up with the fast pace of the city. I'm happy to say that it didn't take long to recall my street smarts. This was the first part of my re-awakening. Remembering what it was like to be in that environment. Remembering how to function in an unfamiliar setting. Remembering how to get my bearings and survive and figure out how to get where I needed to go and do what I needed to do. I think it was a good warm-up for Korea, since I am about to switch back into travel mode/survival mode/adaptation mode. I guess I had put all of those skills out of my head since being back in the states because I didn't need them (or think I needed them) and it hurt too much to think about myself in that life, where I felt like I had failed. I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to return to it, that I would be stuck in Texas, as kind of an oddball, forever. Which leads me to....
....Part 2 of the awakening. This part deals more with plans for after Korea, which are all very tentative right now, as they should be, because I know that Korea Round 2 will change me. However, whatever I choose to do specifically at that time will involve moving to a new place in the U.S. I have wanted that deeply for so long, and I've never quite gotten there. I've never let myself do it -- out of fear, out of not having the means, or, well, mainly it's the fear. And lack of trusting myself not to fuck it up and end up broke at my parents' house 6 months later. But going to New York reminded me how much I really want to try a different area of the states. I love Texas, as my home state, as a place I can always come back to, as a place of my roots, but I don't think I belong here as a permanent fixture. Maybe it will be New York, maybe it will be Boston, maybe it will even be the west coast, but when I come back from Korea this time, I will have the means and the courage to try a new area. And hopefully, by that time, I'll have a little more career direction.
All I can say is, despite the hardships, which I have let break me in the past, when I am in a place that is urban and diverse, I feel more like myself than in any other setting. I had forgotten that. I won't let that happen again. And now that I know I have the ability to be broken, I can be prepared for that.
In other news, the trip to New York was really fantastic in other ways, too. Doing all of the touristy stuff was really fun. Seeing a Broadway show starring Silas from Weeds (!) was a highlight, as was Central Park, Rockefeller Center, etc. I was definitely a little starstruck. It was a truly phenomenal long weekend. You know how you anticipate something for so long, it can never meet your expectations? Well, this trip completely EXCEEDED my expectations. It was pretty much everything I imagined and more. How often can you say that about anything?
