falling apart

I am so angry with myself. Why am I here again? AGAIN????

Everything wasn't supposed to fall apart. I was supposed to be getting a handle on things, finding myself or whatever. I feel like I've been on the verge of hyperventilating all day. I am so disappointed at how everything has turned out. It's taken me four months to admit that to myself. Prague wasn't supposed to be something I felt sad about. It was supposed to be this wonderful, challenging experience, and it was, but it was supposed to still be going on.

I feel empty, stupid, weak, and cheated. I want to go back more than anything. I feel like I BELONG there. I do belong there. And I was an idiot to leave so suddenly, without thinking it through. I was scared. And that's what it all boils down to. I'm a coward. What have I done? and why do I always do this? I run scared and then I want to come running back. Except to grad school. I don't really want to go back there even though I miss it sometimes. But seriously, how could I do something of this magnitude? This is my life. I can't keep just farting along, not doing anything.

I guess I really need to grieve. Or return. Grieve if I can't return. I had been looking forward to Prague for so long before I went and then it ended so abruptly, and here I am again at rock bottom only it's lower than it was before, that this really was a big loss. And I'm just now admitting this to myself.

Whatever. I need to go to bed.