conscious decisions

I've been feeling a little under the weather for the past few days, so I spent the ENTIRE weekend in bed watching old seasons of The Biggest Loser.

I had already decided that I was going to change my life, and I now feel that way more than ever. I know that sounds cheesy, but this is the most inspiring thing to me right now. I guess I've just been grasping, trying find some source of hope, and I found it in a reality show. That's okay, I think.

Anybody who's known me for awhile knows that my weight has been a yo-yo since I was 12 or 13 years old. I love sports, I love to exercise, and I love health and nutrition. The problem is that I don't always practice what I believe in, and that I go in cycles. I will do awesome for awhile, sometimes for a year or two at a time, and then I just let it all go to crap. And when I do that, I do it in a big, big way.

But what I'm realizing by watching this show (and I've heard it said before, of course, but now I actually believe it) is that it's not about the weight. I have a food addiction, but it's not even about the food. It's about WHY I gain the weight, and WHY I eat the food. Every time I go on a downward spiral, it starts because I feel lonely, scared, hopeless, restless, worthless, that I'm in some kind of desperate situation, or a combination of all of those. It's like I know that something's not clicking with me but I don't know how to make it click.

I'm also realizing that the state of my bedroom and my eating/exercise habits are a direct reflection of how I'm feeling inside. I always thought that I was just disorganized. And it's true--I think organization will always be hard for me because it doesn't come naturally. But this goes beyond that. For the past week, I've been sleeping next to a pile of clothes and other miscellaneous items on my bed. It would be pretty easy to just put all of that stuff away, but I haven't done it. My eating and exercise habits are currently just as chaotic as my bedroom, and this is an outward reflection of feeling chaotic inside.

I've said recently, and I still believe it to be true, that I finally feel like I know what path I want to take in life, or at least where I want to go from here. And I do, but I'm still finding it hard to live day to day. Change is really fucking hard. Especially a fundamental change. Every time I've lost the weight in the past I've told myself that my lifestyle doesn't have to change, I can do all the same things and just include intense work outs into my schedule. And that works for awhile, but then I run out of steam and the old habits win.

So, I think the key will be to let myself feel what I'm feeling. If I feel sad or scared and I start eating, I feel numb. But the problem doesn't go away. If I just let myself feel what I'm feeling, I can work through it and then move past it. Also, operating from one conscious decision to another will help. If I take my life from one decision to work out and one decision to eat healthy or go to bed at a reasonable time, a healthy lifestyle isn't so daunting. And of course, since I enjoy exercising and healthy cooking, that part isn't really so hard for me. What's hard is developing the healthy coping skills. Because again, it's not about the food.

Realizing that is, I think, the difference between this time and all the times before. Another huge difference is that I. AM. WORTH. IT. And I believe that now. It's hard, but I'm working on believing it and not accepting being a failure. Because being a failure is another conscious choice. I'm not going to let my life just pass me by and be mediocre. I might have to work at it everyday, and sometimes I might have to pick myself up again. But I'll do it.

Another key is finding a balance. This goes back to making one conscious decision at a time. But sometimes, it's ok to have a glass of wine or a real dessert. It's okay to go out sometimes. It's okay to live your life.

But I'm soooo excited to start training again! Triathlons, I'm coming back! I'm excited to be myself again. The self that I love, and the self I need to remember. I'm going to be myself more than ever now, and I am so thrilled.