if not now, when?

Ok, so I realize that it's technically Saturday already because it's after midnight. But since I haven't gone to bed yet, and I haven't blogged yet today, I'm still counting it as Friday. So, I just have to blog again on real Saturday (as in sometime between the time I wake up tomorrow and then go to sleep again tomorrow night...meaning Saturday), and I'll be right on schedule. I'm going to try not to let this happen again though, unless I don't have internet access for some reason (like I'm out of town and can't get wireless or whatever), and then I'll just have to blog in a pages document and copy and paste it here later.

Anyway, so first of all, I don't get what's up with people deleting friends on facebook. I get it if you were dumb enough to accept a friend request from someone you didn't know and you're thinking that in hindsight, that was really stupid. And I get it if you need to cut yourself off from an ex. I've done that one before. But don't delete me just because we were friends in high school but I haven't seen you in the past 7 years. If we were friends then, just because we're not part of each other's daily lives now doesn't mean that we can't still be friendly and can't remember the good times. To me, deleting someone like that is kind of like saying, "you were never important to me." Or like saying, I never want to talk to you again. Excuse me, but if I randomly saw you on the street somewhere, I would still want to have a conversation with you just to catch up. If I didn't, I wouldn't have accepted your friend request or sent you one in the first place. That's all I have to say about that.

Next. I get insanely jealous when people start talking about making plans to take overseas trips (this literally just happened about half an hour ago, and I didn't enjoy it). I know it's stupid, and I know I've spent more time overseas than most people will in their entire lives, but I do. Maybe it's the whole travel bug thing and how it's just something that you can never get over if you have it. And that I still want to see and experience so many more places. But it's also that I still haven't totally forgiven myself for not trying harder to make it work in Prague (of course, hindsight's 20/2o...I couldn't really see or understand those mistakes till months after I had made them...and of course I learned from them, but I can't help feeling like I paid a terrible price) and, of course, leaving Korea early, though I couldn't see the ramifications of that decision at the time either. Maybe some of that comes with age. I just couldn't see past how I felt in the moment, but I feel like I am learning how to do that now. I'm not crazy about having to live in Beeville away from my friends and family. But I know that if I stick with my journalism career (which I really, honestly do love), it will pay off. I've already learned so much. If I stick it out for awhile, I can learn more and get so much better at what I'm doing. Then, I can move on, probably go pretty much wherever I want next, maybe even go to journalism or publishing grad school (after I make more headway on my current loans, of course), and travel again someday, maybe even as part of my journalism career. That would be fucking awesome (really no other way to say that). Kind of a dream I've always had but never dared to admit to myself until now.

But despite all of that and how amazing it could be one day (even if I just move back to the DFW area, which right now, is something that I'm seriously considering for my future), it's not what matters now. What really matters is that I be content and appreciate where I am. I need to be happy now. If I don't let myself do that, I'll just always be chasing something and never letting myself just live in the moment and enjoy the good things I have. Right now, I live 60 miles from the coast, 80 miles from San Antonio, 3 hours away from a good portion of my family, and most of my friends live reasonably close to me. Plus, I really couldn't ask for a better newspaper to start out at. Yes, I'm in Beeville, yes, it sucks to be in South Texas sometimes (a lot), but I can't focus on that part of it.

Anyway, I'm starting to gross myself out because I'm sounding like one of those cheesy motivational posters. And I promised myself that I would stop writing blogs like this because they just end up being the same all the time (all though in some ways, they're good because I need to work this stuff out, and I'm still in that process). Next time (tomorrow), I WILL write one telling a story about something that happened recently. I WILL. So, for now, good night.

Actually, I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite Jimmy Eat World quotes:

If I don't let myself be happy now, then when? If not now, when?