the victim unwittingly becomes the assailant

So I'm trying to decide whether I think it's harder to be the one who gets rejected or the one who does the rejecting.

I'm not talking about creepers. I'm talking about genuinely nice guys.

I did a pretty dick move to someone who didn't deserve it about six months ago. (And I know, it's even worse that I'm just now giving it a second thought).

So, this guy that I've known since about my sophomore year of college expressed interest about our senior year. Let's call him Bob. I hung out with him a couple times then, always running away when someone else would come along (I hope that sentence made sense). Anyway, we remained friendly until we no longer lived in Corpus Christi and then lost touch. Note that every time I saw him it was obvious that he still had the feelings. But no real reason for me to feel guilty yet--you're not obligated to reciprocate when someone likes you, of course.

Fast forward about three years. I was feeling exasperated with my dating life and happened to mention to a friend that "I should've gone out with Bob when I had the chance. He would've been so nice to me!"

I got to thinking about that idea a little more, and through some mild facebook stalking, I learned that Bob was single and living not too far from me. So, I casually wrote on his wall, just a "how you been" type thing, and he wrote back. Before long, we were facebook chatting at work, then texting. Getting along really well, mind you. The problem with this situation was never that I didn't like Bob as a person.

A few weeks later, Bob finally asked me out on a date. I say finally because I had been waiting for it by this time. I guess you could say he was playing right into my hands, but I didn't see it that way at the time, even if it was true. So we set up a dinner date.

The night of said date, I was freaking nervous. This could've been because I hadn't been on a real date in almost two years. (Sidenote: I am really bad at dating, and I think I get worse as I get older. I think this is because I try too hard to show people the best version of myself and I get nervous and don't come off well... I could write an entire blog about that, so I'll spare you.) So, the whole time I was worried about being my usual awkward self.

I relaxed a little as the evening progressed. We did have a really good conversation and stayed at the restaurant talking long after we were done eating. But in his car on the way back to my car (which we had left at a meeting point before we had decided where to go), the nerves started to set in again. Was he going to try to kiss me? I wasn't sure I wanted that.

We got back to the parking lot and sat there in awkward silence for a minute. I took off my seat belt and so did he. That's when the panic took hold. I said something like, "Well, thanks for dinner!" and practically ran out of the car and into my car. About five minutes later, I got a text message from him that said, "You left in a hurry." I tried to laugh it off and said, "Haha, no I didn't." Lame, I know.

We had a couple of brief conversations since then. He sent me a happy birthday text on my birthday. Too bad I didn't know who it was at first because I had lost my phone, thus all my numbers, between times I'd talked to him. I guess it didn't occur to me to facebook him for it. Way to be a dick again, Sarah.

So in a nutshell, the very bad thing I did was seeking him out and rejecting him. For the second time. Going after him because I was lonely and I knew he'd be there. The funny (ironic, not haha) thing about all of it is that it never occurred to me, at any time in my life before, that I could be the evil one in a relationship-type situation. I'm so used to being the heartbroken one, the one who always gets screwed over, the one in the "friend zone," etc., etc. I honestly never thought I was capable of screwing over someone else.

I know how much it sucks to get dumped or even just when someone stops calling and you don't know why or what you did.

I guess I'm just another girl.

And the worst thing to admit (I almost didn't even write in this blog), is that in a way, it feels good to have this kind of power.