way to normal (yes, I stole that from a Ben Folds album)

Okay. I know what I said in my last post. I was feeling more and more like myself, settling in, blah, blah, blah.

The truth is that the first couple of months here have been a roller coaster so far. I'm up, I'm down, I don't know which way is up and which is down. I think I've entered the period where things stop being exciting and start sucking until the light at the end of the tunnel comes. What I mean by that is the initial newness is pretty much over, but I'm still finding my place. One day (hopefully sooner rather than later), I will wake up and all of a sudden realize that I got through it and things are so much better. I'll be able to breathe again. It won't be such a chore to get through each day, each week; I'll just be doing it.

I'm sort of done with all the "new person" stuff and now I'm just trying to figure out how to be. Sometimes, all of this is still so surreal. I look around and think, "I'm really here. I can't believe I actually came back." I really can't. It crossed my mind so many times in the past two years, but I can't believe I made it happen. Sometimes, I am genuinely surprised by my own power. All the time, actually. I feel like I'm this ineffectual, misunderstood wallflower so much of the time, but then I go and get shit done. Most things I've ever really, truly wanted I've made happen. They weren't always what I thought I was getting and they weren't always great decisions, but man, I can set stuff in motion. I should figure how to use this to my advantage more.

So anyway, here I am in the suck tunnel. Ennui. I've been feeling really restless, and I'm not too sure what to do about it. Restless and unmotivated at the same time, I guess. See, I've been through this before, so I know how it goes and that really all I can do is wait it out. So I want it to be over but I can't force it. That sounds like an excuse, but I just can't. It's the pure truth. The harder I try to get out of it, the more I seem to get sucked in. So the best thing to do is not worry about it and trust that it will end.

I feel like I'm being really vague. For me, the beginning of anything is always hard. It's like being a freshman in high school and you don't really know who your real friends are yet or where you fit into things, and you're trying so desperately hard to figure it out but really all you can do is wait for it to take care of itself. And then, by the time you're a sophomore, it's old hat and you've found your place, without you really even knowing it was happening.

Yep, high school never ends.

I'm not just talking about making friends; I'm really talking about just day to day existence. Feeling okay. Not being on pins and needles all the time. Not having dreams that you're home and you did it and it's over, only to wake up and realize that oh, yeah, it's only been six weeks. (Although at least now, I'm dreaming that it's like June or something, not next February).

I'm just waiting for normal. It will come. I'll be ready.