The countdown stops

I'm  trying not to be the sort of person who runs away anymore. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about how it's been nearly exactly two years since I traveled to Vietnam alone, and how it's been almost one year since I moved to FortWorth.  

I remember having the thought several times while overseas that I wouldn't be able to see clearly what it all meant for me in the big picture until it was all over and done with, and I was right. These are things I'm still figuring out. 

I think of Vietnam in particular because it was the first time I traveled anywhere alone just for vacation and not for a class or a job. I was petrified. It ended up fine, of course, even amazing in a lot of ways. One memory that sticks out is the first morning I was there, riding a motorbike taxi through the streets of HoChi Minh City, and after 5 hard months in Korea, I just felt...free. 

But I also mention Vietnam because despite the positivity of that experience, it was probably the loneliest I've ever felt (other than the time I broke down crying in front of the hostel guy in Bangkok, but that's a different story - although he did feel sorry for me and paid for my airport taxi). I remember sitting in the Ho Chi Minh airport waiting for my flight back to Seoul and just feeling incredibly far away from everybody and everything. I felt like I had fallen off the planet.

A lot of the experiences I've had in my 20s were a result of running away. I have this fear of being trapped, or perhaps stuck.  Maybe it's founded, maybe it's not, maybe I'm a naturally restless person.  But the thing is, I'm tired of running. I'm not saying I'll stay here forever, and I definitely still want to travel, even for extended periods of time, but I finally feel like I can relax.  Now I have what I'd been missing for so long - a life. I feel like I would be missed if I weren't here. I feel like a part of things.  I still feel antsy sometimes, but I also feel grounded. I will always be an adventurous person, but I no longer feel like I'm spinning out of control.

I've stopped counting down the months, days, weeks. I can't remember a time I didn't have a countdown before now.