the edge

By now, I should be used to the fact that I am completely and totally alone.

Most of the time, I'm okay with this. I'm an only child, I'm incredibly independent, I don't usually mind doing stuff by myself, and I strongly value alone time. And I know that I'm not literally alone. Sometimes, it just feels like everybody else has these huge networks of people in their lives, and I can count mine on two hands.

I'm really fine. I just hate it when I really want to do something, like go to a festival, and there's no one who can go with me. Not just that, but that of the 3 or so people I can think of, they're either unavailable or don't want to. Ordinarily, if I really wanted to do something that bad, I would just go by myself. But I don't exactly know where it is or how long it will take to get there (I don't have time to get lost this evening...plus I've been driving A LOT lately and don't really feel like an unnecessary solo road trip), and how fun is it to go to a festival by yourself? I'm not a person who's afraid of doing things by herself. I'll go to the movies, bars, and restaurants alone if I really want to go, it's not that big of a deal. But some things, like festivals, are just not that great by yourself.

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? My family's far away (and most of them have always been far away), I'm about to be at least an hour away from any of my friends, and I doubt there's a thriving young single population in Beeville. Don't get me wrong, I'm 112% happy with my decision. I know that this job is going to be fantastic, I'm going to get great experience in a great environment, and the small town thing doesn't bother me (I'm even kind of looking forward to it) except that I'll be alone. And like I said, being alone is pretty okay with me. But it is nice to know that I can have company if I want it. I don't really know what it'll be like to be without that security.

And I'm not usually freaked out about being single. I know I'm only 24 and that relationships are not even all they're cracked up to be. For me at least, there are definitely pros and cons to being single and to having someone. But the older I get, the more I wonder how isolating life will be if I stay single. I know that most of my single friends really want to find someone and/or believe that there's someone for everyone (I definitely don't believe that...for many reasons, most of which actually are not cynical...but that's a different soapbox that I'll get into another time). So, if my friends who are currently single end up with someone, that changes everything. Sure, we'll still be friends, but hanging out won't be the same. They'll either have to bring their significant others or worry about what that person is doing. Annoying. And we won't have nearly as much in common in anymore because they'll all be domesticated and/or parents and worrying about couple/parent/domestic things. And I'll be hanging out with my dog, doing exactly what I want when I want (with the exception of going to festivals).

Sometimes, all I want is to be alone. For everyone to just leave me alone. To be able to just do everything myself, exactly how and when I want it done. And if I spend too much consecutive time with one person, they seriously get on my nerves and I need space.

But then there's the other times. The times when even I am not immune from the longing for human connection. When I want someone to be there that I can always count on to go to festivals with me. Or to make me feel like I'm not all alone and family-less in the edge of the world that is South Texas.

Like I said, I am really excited about my new job. And I love South Texas. And I'm happy that I will have friends an hour away in either direction. I just needed to express my fears about my new life and being a real person versus a student/nomad. Because being a student means that you're planning to move on and do something else in a couple of years when you graduate, and you have that to hold onto on the bad days when you feel stuck. And being a nomad means that you don't have to form real attachments to places, people, or jobs. This is the first time I'm making a real life for myself with no endpoint and no chance to flee. It's exciting, and it's what I desperately need, but it's also terrifying to face, especially because I've run from it for so long.

On the flip side of that, this is also the first time I've ever been excited to go to work.