getting past the freak outs

Things have really fallen into place lately.

I love my job (despite my ongoing battle with InDesign), I just joined a bike club, I'm reasonably close to most of my friends, and I guess..mainly, I just feel like I've regained control of my life.

I'm not going to say things are perfect. I get lonely sometimes, and sometimes really freaked out at night alone in my house. I still worry that I'm going to be alone forever, even though I'm okay on my own right now. There's just no one really to hang out with here. My job isn't perfect either, but I love it and I know I'm doing something that I'm good at and I like, which means I finally have a career! That's the main reason why I finally feel in control.

And I do still think about traveling and being overseas a lot. I really miss that. I miss the adventures, the people, the food, the randomness... but you can't have it both ways. I wish there was a way I could travel like that and still do what I love for a job. Because when you abhor your job, everything else in life kind of has a cloud over it too. And there are certain things I can't do overseas, like train for bike rides and triathlons, cook what and how I want to (which usually results in me eating really unhealthily which leads to other negative effects). But I do kind of wish I could say I spent a year in a foreign country, not just a few months here and there. But still, a lot of people can't even say that. I wouldn't trade my experiences. And for me, as much as I wish this wasn't part of it, it was all a part of me figuring out who I am and what I want. I couldn't just go and chill out like most people do. I was really looking for something (although I didn't really know that at the time). Do I wish I could've let go and just gone with it? Sure. But I wouldn't be where I am now otherwise, and by the end of all that, I was really, reeeeally ready to have a big girl job (that wasn't teaching) and be out on my own.

Maybe someday I'll get to be a traveling journalist. That would be the ultimate career goal for me. For now, I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the stars and my feet on the ground. That's a quote, I can't remember who from, but it's the balance I need to keep.

The other thing I was just thinking about was that there's always going to be something to be freaked out about, so why bother?