After all these months, I am STILL addicted to food. I realize this is something I will probably battle for the rest of my life, but seriously?!
I've been an avid watcher of The Biggest Loser for several seasons now. I know this is a TV show and not real life (even the trainers on the show will say that), but I do try to take their advice when it comes to things like emotional eating.
It took me a long time to grasp that it really isn't about the food. If I'm really craving a big, greasy cheeseburger, for example, I used to think it was because I really wanted it and food had this power over me. I have since realized, by educating myself and by stopping to examine my feelings when I have such cravings, that it is not about willpower. It's a coping mechanism. It's a way to comfort myself. A very unhealthy way that leads to self-loathing and further self destruction.
I hear the Biggest Loser trainers frequently tell the contestants that they're burying their feelings, problems, etc. with the food. It's true. In that moment when you're gorging on pizza or ice cream, your mind goes blank. All that you're feeling or thinking is in your taste buds and the satisfaction coming from them. I guess it's a way to get satisfaction when you feel like you're not getting it anywhere else.
I have accepted this. When I get the urge to say screw it all and pig out on junk food, I know enough now to stop for a minute and ask myself why I want to do this. I think about how I'm going to feel afterward (read above: self loathing and destruction). How I'm going to have to wait for the brick in my stomach to digest and feel terrible until it does. And nine times out of ten, those thoughts are enough to stop me from undoing all my hard work.
There is, however, that one time out of ten. The time when I know exactly what I'm doing, how I'm going to feel later, and I do it anyway. I'm human. I know I will never have perfect nutrition, and I just have to do the best I can.
I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think that one time out of ten still exists when I don't know what's bothering me. Usually, I can pinpoint it if I take a second to think. I'm overwhelmed at work. I had a fight with a friend. I'm lonely. Whatever. But when I don't know, I have more trouble reminding myself to make the healthy choice.
I'm going to give two examples. In the first, two weekends ago, I basically did nothing and ate meal that were nutritional crap all weekend (thankfully, I didn't binge eat, I just didn't eat healthy). I was really tired from all the holiday traveling, and I thought that was what was bothering me. I didn't try to overcome it, I just gave in, figuring it would pass. It did, but not until I began cleaning my apartment that Sunday night, after putting it off for days (it was probably the messiest it's been since I lived there). Once it was clean-- actually, even once I began the process and mapped out in my head how to finish it-- I felt so much better and living my healthy lifestyle was easy. The point of this example is that I couldn't really identify what the root of that particular feeling-burial was until I had begun to solve it. I'm still working on how to be more proactive in that department. Although I am proud to say my apartment is still clean, two weeks later. I guess I've finally learned how to maintain it. Problem solved. In another way, this is an example of how actually dealing with a problem, instead of burying it with food, really makes it go away. It feels good when you can make things actually disappear instead of just hiding them. I wish I had learned this before my sloth-ish weekend though. Oh, well. Moving forward. Always, moving forward.
The second example is this: last night, I reeeeally didn't want to go to the gym, and I was craving spaghetti with garlic bread. My workout buddy texted to say she had to work late and couldn't meet me, so my excuse not to work out was solidified. I went to the grocery store for the bread and the sauce (I eat whole wheat spaghetti a lot, and I'm proud to say last night was no exception, but I was out of sauce). I got one of those pre-made loaves of garlic bread, and, starving, popped it in the oven when I got home. I made the spaghetti, just a single serving, no big deal. However, I proceeded to eat half the loaf of bread throughout the evening before throwing the rest of it away to remove the temptation. Also, I got one of those individual cake slices while I was at HEB (and let's face it, those are big enough for at least three people) and ate the whole thing. Yep, don't think I need anymore carbs for awhile. Anyway, as bad as I feel about the gluttony that was last night, I'm sorry to say I'm still craving junk food a little even now. The problem is, I don't know why. If I could say, well, I think I'm feeling anxiety about (insert problem here), I could probably convince myself my cravings are an illusion. I mean, ok, yesterday afternoon at work sucked because our server kept crashing. But I still got to leave on time, and today everything is fine and I caught up on what I couldn't do yesterday. So what's up? I used to get really bad food cravings with PMS. I still do sometimes, but it's not the right time for that either.
They say on the Biggest Loser that instead of burying your feelings, you should allow yourself to feel them and work through them. I'm still learning how to do that. The cleaning one turned out to be simple; I cleaned my apartment, thus dealing with the problem, and felt better. But how do I allow myself to feel an emotion I can't identify? I guess what I feel now is frustration. Maybe I just let myself feel frustrated until it either passes or I find an outlet for it that doesn't involve junk food?
The only thing I can think of that might be at the root of all of this, is the fact that it's getting closer to being one year I've been in Beeville. Hence big decisions to make. I want to move on, but I have a life here now too. And applying for jobs was so terrible the last, oh, THREE times I had to do it that the thought of doing it again does not excite me, as much as I want to move up and on. When I was having my I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-with-my-life crisis, all those fears drove me to eat then. Now, I know what I want to do, so I thought I wouldn't have that problem. But I guess I feel a different kind of anxiety. A fear that now I've gotten started, but what if I'm not good enough? How will people outside this community see me?
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