choices

I think I'm addicted to the move.

I have days when I'm really homesick for Korea, Prague, home, etc., particularly after I've had a dream I moved back to one of those places and made everything right, so to speak. Last night, I dreamed I went back to Prague. It turned into some weird bizarro dream after that but now the Prague idea is in my head. Then, this morning, my friend who is just finishing up her year in Korea told me about how she is getting ready to spend four months backpacking around the world. How awesome is that? I'm really happy for her, but it did bring back the regret of leaving Korea early, all the what-ifs that I'm able to ignore most of the time but spring to the surface from time to time. I feel like that's happened a lot lately.

I still don't know if I did the right thing. I know it doesn't matter now. I think about all the crap I would've had to do for that school that I really didn't want to do and my initial reaction is relief that I didn't have to do any of it. But then I think about other things. The accomplishment I would have had for sticking it out, especially since I had to psych myself up to go to work everyday. That would've made finishing that much sweeter. The travel I missed out on, the money I missed out on. The question of where would I be done and what would I have done when I finished. Where would I have gone? I can't believe I wasn't able to pull myself out of the flip-out to realize some of those travel dreams I still have. I think at the time, I thought I didn't care about that anymore and I just wanted to go home. I think everything in my life leading up to me actually going to Korea was actually the reason for what happened in Korea. If had gone a year earlier, it probably would've been completely different.

The greatest sorrow of it all to me is remembering how excited I was before Prague. How I anticipated it for months and months, thinking finally, finally I was going abroad. I was getting on a plane by myself and having an adventure, something I'd always wanted to do. I didn't plan on coming back for at least a year, if ever, really. And the thing I still haven't quite gotten over is that Prague (and any subsequent travel/abroad experiences after, including Korea) wasn't supposed to be another thing I failed at, didn't do, didn't finish, ultimately feel sadness and regret about. And then it was. It is. I don't regret going, I regret not staying. And I know better than to dwell on that. I've got a really good thing going on right now, even if it is getting a little stale.

Which brings me to the next part of the moving-addiction equation. Through all of that tumultuous travel period, what was exciting about all of it, each time I moved, was the sense of possibility. Even when I got home from Korea and was getting ready to move to San Antonio, I was excited. It was a new phase. A chance to start over (but can you ever really do that?), to work toward a real career. Then, three months later, I got the job in Beeville. Again, I was super excited. Finally, I was going to get paid to write and to know what was going on. I was going to learn all about journalism and I was going to see my name in print on real stories, not just entertainment blurbs at San Antonio Magazine. I knew Beeville wasn't going to be my ideal location, but it would be worth it. And so far, despite everything else, it has been.

But.

As every day inches closer to my one-year mark (and while I wish I could say I spent a whole year in a foreign country instead of in Beeville, TX, the point is that I lasted a whole year somewhere), I start to get the itch. Restlessness takes over and I can see the gleam in my eye, the hope for possibility and anticipation of something totally different. The flip side of that, of course, is that after all my most recent moves, I know that starting over somewhere else is really hard for a little while. And I'm pretty in tune to everything here now, at work. I've even made friends in town. None of that came fast or easily. It's really okay because in order to move forward, I'm going to have to move eventually, and it will probably take at least a few months to find something once I start looking (which I reeeeally want to do right now but I'm making myself wait till my anniversary in April). Plus, now that I have real experience, I'm not going to even apply for anything I don't really want, especially because I'm not unhappy here. I would even say I am happy. I'm kind of afraid that the hunger, the wanting more even though I am happy, will be my ultimate downfall.

I don't believe you really can have it all. There is always something missing, something you would've done differently, and maybe those missing pieces are worth it because you sacrificed them for what you do have, or least you couldn't have both at the same time. Maybe the real trick is choosing what you'll miss and then letting it go. I guess I'm just in a place where I still don't have anything tying me down, and there are still decisions to be made.