I'm sitting in my office trying not to eat an entire bag of dark chocolate almonds. I don't feel bad about it. They're semi-healthy (even if I have eaten 2 servings now). I got hungry early, ate the snack I brought from home (string cheese and Triscuits) and then got really hungry again. I don't think I had enough protein at lunch today. Plus, for the amount I've been working out, I think my hunger has increased slightly. Real hunger, not emotional cravings. I don't consider this a binge.
I've been doing really well with not eating processed sugar. My goal is to eat only one real dessert each week. I have stuck to that pretty well; last week I had two but that's ok. Instead, I eat fruity concoctions I make that don't have any sugar--frozen banana treats, yogurty things, etc., etc. It's gone well. I don't feel deprived of anything.
Also, I'm getting into really good shape. I've started doing a lot more heavy lifting in the gym, which I think has really made a difference. I've been running, biking and swimming regularly, staying on a schedule as much as I can with work and other commitments. I think I will definitely be triathlon-ready within the next couple of months. There's one in particular I have in mind (in June), but I'm not sure where I will be by then, so I may end up doing another one. And I may be ready to "tri" one (ha, ha, ha) before June, even. We'll see.
In the meantime, I'm still managing to maintain some sort of social life. However, I have to say that the hardest thing about all of this is being back in old environments. People drinking whatever they want, not being mindful of the calories, eating fried food, staying up freakishly late, etc. I don't have anything against having a good time, but.... let's just say that these days, I like to plan my "good times" carefully so as not to throw me off track for an entire week or worse. And a "good time" to me doesn't really involve binge drinking, junk food, or staying up till 4 a.m. anymore. In that way, I feel like I'm creating an inevitable distance between some of my old friends and me. In a way, that's sad, but it's really ok. It's just the way it is. I don't want to do what they're doing, and for the most part, they don't want to do what I'm doing. I sort of wish they wanted to be healthier, but they don't right now, and I'll be ready to help them when they do.
I've also been thinking about how I define my personal happiness by my size. (I say size rather t than weight because I don't weigh myself). I want to change that, but the way I want it to change is by getting to my ideal size and staying there, something that I thought I had achieved a couple years ago, but surprise! Those pounds are just lurking around the corner if you don't stay conscious and careful. In a way, I'm glad because I am truly learning what it means to be healthy, again, something I thought I knew but so, so clearly did not.
The trick with this is going to be, I think, staying proactive about not gaining when I go through difficult, unhappy, or stressful times, as I have done in the past. My inner wellbeing does not need to be reflected in my pants size. In order to do this, I am going to have to continue to be vigilant about separating food (and exercise, for that matter) from my emotions. Thankfully, though, the process is a cycle. If can keep up my healthy eating and regular exercise, I tend to feel happier no matter what crappy things are happening in other areas of my life. It's something I'll always have to be aware of, but I feel confident now that I have the upper hand.
I know my posts lately have had a lot to do with food, working out, and body image. That probably gets a little tiresome to read about. But I truly, truly feel like I am on the brink of finally letting go of something that has haunted me and controlled my life since I was in junior high. And that's pretty huge--worth a few blog entries.
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