I hate it when I have a crazy dream that I can't get out of my head and puts me in a weird place for the rest of the day.
No, I'm not talking about the nightmare I had a few weeks ago where I was being buried alive while simultaneously sinking in quicksand. Although I still remember that one a little too vividly...
Anyway, every so often, I have a dream where I either a.) have gone back in time and decided not to leave Korea or Prague (depending on what night it is, I guess, although this happens more with Korea); b.) decide to go back to either Korea or Prague in the present. Either of these scenarios makes me feel very happy and triumphant in the dream.
Each time this happens, I wake up disoriented, then disappointed because I realize I am still in Beeville and nothing has changed.
Because these dreams are somewhat recurring in that I have had them consistently for the past year and a half or so, I have to wonder if I'm expressing my deepest desires in my dreams because I don't let myself do that in real life. Or, I'm still not over what happened, as much as I want/pretend to be.
I'm not sure I'll ever really understand why I did the things I did during the whirlwind of experience that was the year 2009 for me. I remember how I felt at the time, but I don't know why I couldn't see past certain things. It doesn't seem like me.
I have days every now and then, still, when I think of Korea and/or Prague and all I feel is a huge sense of loss mixed with defeat. It wasn't supposed to end like that.
I know what I've said recently about wanting to start a life somewhere and be close to my family. Being away from them while overseas was harder than I'd anticipated. This whole job search thing has gotten me all out of sorts and questioning everything.
After all this time and all of these crazy things that I've done, I still don't really know what I want.
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