I got kind of upset after I got off the phone. I didn't really know why at first, it was so stupid, I had just called to see what she was doing this weekend and she was not feeling very well and had a lot of stuff to do tomorrow so she was basically not available.
Maybe it was the way she said it that made me get sensitive. Like I was really bugging her by even asking. I mean, I didn't know she was sick before I called. But more than likely, her pissy mood had nothing to do with me. She probably just really didn't feel good.
And the thing is, on my end, it wasn't really about her either. I got upset because once again, I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to see. See, she is my only friend within 200 miles of me. I'm not upset that she has a life; she should. I'm upset that I don't. I'm upset because I'm so sick of being trapped in the house everyday (I work from home which sounds cool but so isn't) with no one to talk to but my grandmother. I'm sick of not knowing anyone (and not being in a position to meet people), so when the one person I do know is busy, there's no one else to call. I'm sick of watching everyone else (including the people 200+ miles away) go about their lives while I'm stuck waiting. Again.
I know if you're reading this, you probably think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and that ALL of this is my own fault. You're right. But I've gotten so good at shutting myself off and not engaging in the present that I'm afraid I don't know how to do anything else.
I've figured a lot out in these past few months. Or years. Don't judge. And I think all of that is really beneficial. Or will be, if I can make it through the next few months without going insane. But right now, in this moment, I'm wondering what it's all been for.
All the same, I think I will not be calling the above mentioned friend for awhile. I've probably been relying on her too much anyway.
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