I understand this. I mean, without getting too deep here, do people ever really fundamentally change? Maybe not. I don't know, but I think part of the challenge is not changing really, but learning how to adapt and be successful in spite of your flaws and mistakes. Basically, getting your shit together. YOUR shit. Finding a way to make YOUR shit work for you.
Anyway, I am struggling with this right now. I know my track record doesn't look so good, to the completely unobjective third party who doesn't know me. I understand these people's doubts. I really do; however, what's frustrating me is that I feel like I'm being judged on who I was and what I did two years ago, when I feel completely different. I see myself completely differently. Almost as if I'm being considered based on another person's actions. But how do I convince other people that nothing is the same? I think what it comes down to is someone giving me a chance and allowing actions to speak louder than words. How can I show what I can do if no one will give me that chance?
I know there are a lot of other things for them to consider. It's a lot bigger deal taking a chance on someone when they're traveling across an ocean to come work for you.
I'm going to get completely paranoid for a second, just to get it out of my system: even if the Korea thing doesn't work out, like no one would hire me there because of past mistakes, what reason would anyone, anywhere, have to hire me, or even to accept me for school or something? Let's face it, my track record in general is not so great. My fear is that I've built up all this inconsistency that's made me unhirable and unacceptable in all areas.
Just typing that makes me feel better because I realize how ridiculous it is. It looks so much more ridiculous in print than it does locked inside my head. And anyway, there were specific things that went wrong in the interview that sparked this post. Specific people whom I feel were not on my side from the beginning, even before things got seriously derailed. I could tell it just wasn't right, and to be honest, even before the decision was made (not in my favor, obviously), I was considering other options. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared the same thing will happen with the next one, or if I said my confidence wasn't a little shaken, but I just have to keep going and trust that something will work out. I really just have to put this behind me.
I guess I might as well stop being cryptic and just say what happened: I had an interview with a school in Korea where one of my friend works (she helped me get the interview). There were two people interviewing me: an American guy and a Korean woman. I could tell the American guy was not impressed with me from the beginning. I'm not sure why, but we were just not on the same page. I'll go as far as to say I thought he was kind of a dick. I thought the Korean lady liked me though. Anyway, I got off the phone, and they called me right back because they (he) had just noticed the dates of my previous Korean experience on my resume (which of course was less than a year), and they wanted an explanation. I told the truth for the most part, but they wanted to talk to that school. I sent them the phone number for the school and told them who to talk to (although who knows who they actually talked to). A few hours later, I had an email saying I didn't get the job. Now, part of me thinks I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway, part of me thinks that is why I didn't get the job but because they think it looks suspicious, not because the school said anything bad about me, and part of me thinks they said something bad and is dying to know what it was. But of course, I'll never know. And I really think that guy was suspicious of me, for whatever reason, from the beginning and the other thing was just a reason for him to say no. Of course, it all adds to the fear that other schools will ask to talk to my old school and I'll keep getting turned down over and over again. This is what I mean about being judged on my past. But I really think lying about the dates would be worse. I think that would come back to haunt me big time. So I'll just keep being honest and hope that I get better vibes from the next school.
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