I am trying SO HARD not to shut down. I mean, I'm putting the same amount of... cough, cough... effort... into my job that I have been since I realized.... several things I won't go into while still employed. I mean shutting down in other areas.
As a rule, I love going to the Y. It's usually the best part of my day. I feel so good when I leave the Y. Today, I left the Y after 10 minutes because I just couldn't make myself do it. It's been a loooong time since I've done that. I know everyone gets burned out sometimes, and I'm actually very proud of myself because I've worked through various burn outs and lapses in exercise motivation for almost a year and a half now without ever giving up. I won't ever give up, either. It's just hard to make it through the days when you don't give a shit.
It's hard to motivate myself to do other things, too. Clean. Cook. Do pretty much anything except totally veg out. I can smell the end of my house arrest (a.k.a. working from home doing a job that I hate) now. I can taste it, and it's so close, I just want it to be here. I think this is why I'm feeling lackluster. Cabin fever doesn't help. But too often, there's nowhere to go. And hovering grandmothers are ALWAYS there.
It's funny because in sports, the last leg of the race is usually the easiest. Well, maybe not physically, but the easiest mentally. You know you're almost done, so you can push yourself a little longer to reach the finish line. Maybe I'll get that feeling when I'm a little closer. Because the last lap is easy, but the one before it isn't always.
Anyway, then there's the old fear. I've been working out so hard (while trying not to fall victim to burn out for more than a day or two, which I've done before with costly results) and trying so hard to be healthy and I'm really seeing results. Which is great, but the other side of that is The Fear -- falling off the wagon, gaining it all back, not being able to maintain. I think because I have done this slowly and steadily, no dieting, nothing crazy, that I will be able to maintain it. But The Fear isn't totally gone. The old demons will always be there. And, I REALLY want to be a size 10 by the time I go shopping for jeans in January. I am afraid I won't be where I want to be. It sounds sick, but sabotaging oneself so that one doesn't have to feel disappointment for failure is real. It's classic fear of success; if you set yourself up to fail, you know why you didn't reach your goal. You don't have to feel like you tried as hard as you could and didn't make it.
I know that if I am not there, I will be eventually, but the problem is that they don't carry size 10s in Korea. I've never seen any pants in Korea bigger than an 8. But I'll just have to deal with that. And since I'm losing weight the healthy way, I can't expect to drop sizes quickly. That's ok. As long as I'm staying healthy, I'll be happy. Just not as happy as I would be if I were a size 10. Ha.
But, the bottom line. Today did not go as I wanted it to. Tomorrow I will see that it goes differently.
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