the jet lag talking

I quite literally wept from the moment my parents left me at security in Dallas until I went to bed in my new apartment in Daejeon.

This was not a continuous cry. It was pretty steady from Dallas to Denver, relapsed between Denver and San Francisco, and I fought it between San Francisco and Seoul because I was sitting between two really nice people - a Korean girl and another American English teacher - and I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel weird.

Once I was safely alone in my apartment, I had another bawl fest. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. One, moving across the world is a stressful experience, no matter how many times you do it. Two, I like to act like I'm Miss Jetsetter, Miss Independent, but I'm really a big Mama's girl. Picturing my parents and the family dog has been enough to set me off again all day. I miss them so much. Three, coming back to Korea is causing a whole lot of mixed emotions associated with my previous experience here to resurface. Do I think I made a mistake by coming back? No. But I am reliving the fear, the anxiety, the loneliness, the homesickness that I felt last time, and that ultimately broke me. I am much stronger now, but it's possible that I never really dealt with some of those issues before and physically being here is forcing me to. This is probably good in the long run. Four, I'm freaking exhausted. It's 3 a.m. here (noon in Texas), and I am wide awake. I expected I would wake up about now, but I really only slept from like 11 to 12:45 or something! I know I was/am way more tired than that. I'll probably be a zombie tomorrow, but I just can't sleep right now.

The positives: I'm also remembering all the things I liked about Korea too. It's nice to be somewhere where the people are so friendly and helpful, everything is within walking distance, and you typically have a lot in common with the other foreigners. Also, amid all my anxiety about work and being back in the classroom and everything else, I keep having these bursts where I feel like it's going to be okay. Where I feel confident and open-minded and just...ready for it.

The bottom line is that although this is not a perfect situation (what is?), and I will no doubt curse my decision to be here on occasion, I need to do this to prove to myself that I can. A year is short, but it's also long. And I'm scared, excited, nervous, sad, and happy all at once to be starting on this journey. I look forward to reading this again in 12 months and seeing how I've changed. (In this moment, I also look forward to my parents greeting me at DFW Airport in 12 months. Home sweet home. But that's just the homesickness/culture shock/jet lag talking.)