the cruel joke

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know if I'm trying too hard or not trying hard enough. Maybe some things just aren't meant to be.

Before anybody gets their panties in a wad, I am not leaving Korea. Well, before the end of February, when my contract is up.

I just feel like I've tried so hard to put myself out there and make friends and do things and NONE of it is working out. There must be something wrong with me. And it's like, the more I fail at it, the more negative and disenchanted I become, and the worse I am around new people. It's like, I read this article one time about how not to act in a job interview, and one of the people said that they had been on so many bad interviews that they realized how negative they had begun to sound in the interviews. Like after trying for so long and not getting hired, they couldn't hide that negativity from the interviewers anymore. The more times they failed, the less they believed getting a job was possible. That's how I feel. Like damaged goods in the friendship world.

I feel like I have never in my life had this much trouble making friends. Sure, there've been times when I've been lonelier or more isolated than others, more as a result of circumstances than anything else, but I always found people, someone, in the end. Of course, I realize this is not the end, as I am just one third finished with my time in Korea, but the worse this gets, the more I see Korea, as it pertains to my life, as a cruel joke.

A cruel joke, yes. The first time I was in Korea, I hated my job and dreaded going to work everyday. Mind you, I had never really worked full time before, but my co-workers from that time will tell you I had good reason to hate that job. However, during that time, I also had friends. Friends I didn't have to work very hard to make. I did work with most of the them, so the friendships just kind of fell into place, but still. It was more or less effortless. Now, I feel like I didn't appreciate that enough.

This time around, I actually like my job. Not enough to want to stay beyond this year, but I have no problems with it, I generally get along with my co-workers, and I actually, to my surprise, enjoy my time with the kids. I never have to take work home, and I feel very little work-related stress. Not a bad gig.

The joke is that I can't have it both ways. I know the obvious response here; of course you can't have it both ways, Sarah, you're expecting too much. You can't have everything. But the thing is that I feel like I see so many people who come to Korea, and they just magically have a decent job and these great, lasting friendships and Korea is just this magical time for them. (Yes, I realize I just said magical twice in the same sentence). Why can't I have that????? I thought coming here I would finally feel like I was around people like me. Like I would fit in. And I've never felt so out of place.

I know everyone has "what I am doing here?" moments. And really, keeping my eye on the prize helps me to not go insane. 1.) Save money, and 2.) prove to myself I can last a whole year. Oh, and 3.) Travel Asia a little bit. Maybe that's the difference. I see this experience as more of a personal challenge. I also come into it with baggage. But I still feel stupid. I mean, since I left Korea last time, I kind of romanticized it in my head like this great, adventurous life I had given up. Now, all I can see is the life at home I gave up. Maybe the real cruel joke is that I haven't been able to appreciate what I have  while I have it. I'm trying not to make that mistake now. It's just hard when I feel like everyone who knows and cares about me is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean.

I don't feel like I'm really asking for a lot here. I just want one or two real friends. That doesn't seem like it should be so hard. And I have really, really been trying. Yesterday, I went to the pool hoping to meet this other American girl who swims there but she wasn't there. And last night, I tried to go bike riding with a bike group, which turned out to be a disaster. I will tell the whole god-awful story of yesterday and how everything I tried to do went horribly wrong later, as I don't have the energy now.

I just felt so confident and so together before I came here, and now, I don't understand why I can't seem to connect.