Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted, if anyone even reads this. Writing helps me work out my thoughts, but sometimes I get too depressed to write, or not even depressed, simply that I don't feel like working out my thoughts and I just want to let them fester. Or I don't want to deal with it.
Anyway, I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. But today, it feels right to update. I have successfully made it through 2012. One of the hardest yet most rewarding thus far. I feel, more than ever now, that I know what I want and what I don't want. This year has been full of things that made me incredibly happy and things that made me incredibly sad. So, to sum up, I'm going to make two sets of lists: a list of happy things, a list of sad things, a list of things I want, and a list of things I don't want. Here we go.
Things this year that made me happy:
• proving to myself that I could survive a year overseas (58 days to go!)
• being able to travel so much
• having disposable income
• the few friends I've made/gotten closer to this year
• discovering that I do want to be a teacher
• forgiving myself for leaving Korea early before
• most recently, going to Thailand and remembering who I am and that I can put myself out there and get along with new people
Things that made me sad:
• literally never feeling more alone in my life
• watching other people have these great bonds with co-workers, etc., while at my school friendships between the teachers are not encouraged... it doesn't seem fair
• to go along with that, always feeling on the outside when I hang out with my friends and their co-workers, even though they are all so nice, it just happens
• learning that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you are not going to win
• becoming entirely disillusioned with the Korean education system, among other things
• getting away from things that are really important to me, like health
Things I want moving forward:
• to become a teacher in the states
• to stay somewhere long enough to form lasting relationships
• to be able to do things I love, like swimming and cooking
• to be a part of my friends' and family's day to day lives again
• to be able to travel more and have more adventures
• to feel like I'm not on the outside anymore, to stop being afraid to actually be a part of things
Things I don't want:
• to live overseas anymore
• to keep drifting
• to feel like I'm losing myself
• to feel like I'm on the outside... I know this is a bit repetitive
• to keep being in situations where I have a countdown to the day I get to leave
• to keep running away
• to feel trapped... I declare RIGHT NOW, that I'm not going to allow myself to feel that way
These are not exactly New Year's resolutions, but it's fitting to write this all out on New Year's Day. I know that a lot of these things that I want are going to take time and are not going to come easy. But I finally feel ready to start and ready to shed some layers. I saw it quoted recently that "growing hurts," and I think I've grown tremendously this year, and it was painful but worth it. And I know I have more growing left to do. So happy new year, my few readers. Bring on the next chapter!
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