the wind down

I haven't updated in awhile. I guess I've been in a kind of "keep your head down and keep moving" sort of mode. But now it is 3 weeks until I return home, end of the year activities have commenced at school, this weekend will be my last excursion in Korea, and things are beginning to wind down.

I know these last couple of weeks may seem to go by painfully slowly, but they'll be gone before I know it. As much as I'm ready to have a little break from teaching for a couple of months, I'm really going to miss the kids. It's weird knowing I've spent so much time with them over the last year, and then all of a sudden, I'm not going to see them anymore. Ever. I was looking a pictures from the beginning of the year the other day, and they have grown so much. They will of course go on and grow up, but they will be frozen in time in my mind.

I think it's also going to be weird going back to things that seemed so normal. Driving a car, pumping gas (I seriously was thinking about whether or not I remember how to do that earlier), shopping in a full-sized grocery store, having a dishwasher, oven, and dryer, and I'm sure a million other little things I've gotten used to not doing or having. Also - hearing English all the time and watching TV. Over Thanksgiving weekend, I went to a foreigner Thanksgiving dinner, and someone had some newfangled computer thing where they were connected to their parents' DVR at home, so we could watch the Macy's parade. All of us were completely mesmerized by the American commercials. I feel like I will be that way at home for awhile.

All in all, this year has definitely been a challenge. It's had some incredibly high highs and some pretty low lows as well. I've had the thought recently that everything I was afraid of before coming to Korea this time came true. I was afraid I would be at a shady school; it could have been worse, but it was pretty sketch. I was afraid I'd have a shitty apartment - check. I was afraid I wouldn't make any friends - check (I did meet some really awesome people, just none of them lived in my city). I was afraid I would gain weight - check.

A lot of these things were beyond my control, or, even though I tried to keep them from happening, they just did anyway. That was an important lesson for me. Sometimes, you try and fail, but it can still be worth it (in that you get something different out of it than you thought you would) and you have to keep going anyway. Also, it was good for me to OVERCOME all of these things, to persevere and survive it and come out the other side rather than give up and go home.

When you look at people who live overseas' photos, it's easy to think that they are just having a blast all of the time. It's easy to be jealous and think, wow, their life is so exciting. In the moments when those pictures are taken, it really does feel like that. You can't believe you are doing what you're doing, and it feels amazing. But the day to day life of an expat is really hard. It forces you to face your demons. When you are living in a culture completely different from your own, and you don't speak the language, your core self comes out, for better or worse.

I'm glad I did it, I'm ready to go home, and although there are some things I would change, it gave me what I really needed: a direction and a really good sense of who I am, what I want, and what I am capable of.