it's not home anymore

Transitional depression is very real. Well, sometimes it's depression, sometimes it's anxiety or overall restlessness, really it's just feeling out of place and trying to find where you fit. And sometimes, that makes you want to give up and stay in bed all day. Or find reasons to not be in your house.

This time around for me, I know what I want to do, but I can't pick up and do it right now. I was telling someone the other day that this is the first time I've moved home and it doesn't feel like home anymore. I used to kind of secretly be okay with my parents being around all the time, being in the house and town I grew up in. I mean, I never wanted to be here long term, but I was okay with being here for a couple of months or so.

This time, I've been here just shy of two weeks, and I can't wait to get out of here. It feels like I don't belong. I'm terrified of wherever I'm going next, but I'm still ready to go. I'm going to be applying for teaching jobs for the fall (which also means I'm pretty much stuck here through the summer). I really want to move to Austin or San Antonio.

Adjusting is a funny thing. It's obvious at first; it's things like going to turn the gas on before you cook something and then realizing you don't have to do that here. It's constantly almost walking into people because you're used to the way they walk in Asia. But how do you know when you're done adjusting? I mean, obviously, I'm not, it hasn't been long enough. But I don't feel like I'm having these shocking moments or that I don't know how to function in Western culture. I think it's more my general feelings of uneasiness. And I think I'll know when I'm adjusted when I can look back on this time and see how weird it was. And right now, part of me doesn't want to be adjusted. I don't want to file away the last year just yet. I don't want be another American, walking around like nothing matters outside our isolated continent.

But then again, I don't think I could anymore, ever. That was kind of the whole point.

So, to sum up: I want to start the next chapter, but I'm not quite ready to let go of the last one. But in the meantime, I am DEFINITELY ready to get out of here.