my rollercoaster

Today, I was thinking about how I get going on a really good path and then get totally self-destructive for a little while, which is something I think about a lot.

When I'm in the good place, I always think, "Now, I've got it. This time I'm going to keep this going and not fall into that trap." But I always fall into it. For a day, a week, a month, whatever. I can never predict how long.
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But the new thought I had today was that maybe that dark place is something I need. Maybe it's a ying and yang type thing; I can't have the light without the dark. It is true that I am either way up or way down, and I'm learning that is something I will probably always struggle with, but I'm hoping at least that it will become easier to manage as I get older. But anyway, as sick as it sounds, I kind of enjoy my dark moods. I kind of like listening to depressing music, feeling pessimistic, like I can hate anything and not care about anything and just let all the demons run free inside me. It's sooo weird to me right now that I'm reading Jekyll and Hyde and just finished Mary Reilly and now I'm having this revelation, and I didn't even make the connection until after I wrote it down just now. Wow. I am Dr. Jekyll. I think that because I care so much, all of the time, that it's just too exhausting and you just can't try that hard all the time. Just like Dr. J. I guess I finally understand what Matt (the counselor) told me 2 1/2 years ago: so what if sometimes I just want to be in a bad mood, listen to depressing music, have all kinds of existential thoughts, and write existential poetry? Then, I couldn't see how that could be okay. Now, I'm beginning to.

However, even with my new revelation, I am still striving for a balance in all things. But I also think that that may be something I am always working toward but never 100% achieving.