rushes of thoughts and emotion

I have to stop writing these things when it's late and I want to go to sleep. I need to do it when I have more time to process.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed (word choice?) by this uncontrollable sadness. Or rush of emotion, determination, etc. I suppose that's normal. Maybe. Like today, when I was watching Living Proof and how hard that guy had to fight for his project, to see it through and to really make a difference. Sometimes it seems so easy to make a difference in books and movies, even when it's a true story, but it really isn't. It's a big fucking deal. Which kind of gets me thinking about career choice/next move when I come back from overseas. Teach, go to law school, go back to grad school, move somewhere new and across the country, hell, stay abroad, who knows. But I know that I haven't come this far in refusing to settle to pretend to decide right now. Life has shown me time and time again how foolish that would be. Part of the reason I haven't really picked any kind of career path (other than fear, anxiety, and a general rebellious nature) is that I won't sell out. I know that I want to do something meaningful, and as naive as that sounds, and as much as I know that it's really easy to say that and never end up doing anything at all, I really believe it. And it's not like I'm doing nothing. I've got my next step planned out, and that's all I need for now.

Anyway, I really hope I'm not like Joan Crawford in personality. I just finished reading Mommie Dearest, and while I know I'm not crazy, love-starved, or an alcoholic, I do see a few similarities, like difficulty getting close to people, talking about deep feelings (which I guess is why I have this blog)...I don't think I'm that fucked up about relationships, though. I don't want to say I've got myself all figured out, because that would be REALLY naive, but I have figured out some things about myself and what works for me, regardless of what seems to work for everyone else. Like my close friends, how I make friends and meet people, my moods, needing to do things in my own time. By that I mean schedule. Ok. I'm rambling. I'm still trying to work some stuff out. I'm beginning to see that that's a lifelong process and in many cases a day to day struggle. Just knowing that makes me feel better.

I was thinking that maybe I'd write a story about struggle and coming up out of the darkness. I don't know if that would be cliche. I guess it would depend on how I wrote it. It just seems like there's a whole lot of those, but I guess it's just an archetype thing. I'm just really resisting becoming like all those other novelists out there. I'm still waiting on my own identity as a writer a little bit. But I think to find it, I need to write. I'll probably start that story, or something like it, and see how it goes. But not tonight.

Wow, I'm longwinded in writing (sooo much easier than talking). But that's something else I do know about myself.

p.s. It's funny how much easier this is away from the school environment. But I needed the school environment to learn it.