The Battle of the Exes

Before I start, I just want to put a disclaimer on this and say that at least part of it is probably due to PMS.

I've had an ugly resurfacing of the exes, one in particular, lately. It started with thinking about the most recent one, for no reason, and then I thought about one from a couple of years ago and I just missed him for no reason. But then, I had a real encounter with the most significant ex from the longest ago.

Last weekend, I went to a party at my ex-boyfriend's cousin's house. I went with a mutual friend. I was told that my ex wouldn't be there, and I decided that even if he was (with his fiance no less), it wouldn't be a big deal.

He had left right before we got there. That wasn't the issue. The problem was that his cousin (and one of his best friends) and I got to catching up and talking about old times. It was a lot of fun, and really good to see him. Too good. We had spent a lot of time together ourselves back then, so being at his house (which is incidentally on the same land as the ex's house) brought back all those memories and in, or at least close to, the place where they happened. It was like going back in time five years, but not. Totally weird.

I think, at least I told myself, that it's not him I missed. It was the fun we all used to have, and the feelings that I had back then and haven't really had since. He was the only relationship I've had where "I love you" was spoken out loud (and consequently the only guy whom I know has loved me). I tend to just expect that no one feels that way about me and I'm not capable of attracting real relationships. He was the exception. And therefore, he has a part of me that I will never get back.

That being said, I've come LIGHTYEARS from where I was when he broke up with me. I will never, ever, ever, ever again (though I have since, but I'm in an even better place now) make a decision because of a guy. I don't want/need to be in a relationship right now (I usually don't believe people when they say that...but other people tend to date more than I do). I don't depend on it like some of my friends do. I have me, and that's enough. It may always be enough. If I do get married someday, or even have another real relationship, the guy will not be in control. He will not define me. I'm bigger than that. I'm bigger than the ex I've been talking about, and that's why we didn't work out. It hurt, and it still stings at times, like when I run into him*, but men are no longer a consideration in my life. I'm not letting myself be oppressed anymore.

I think I've forgiven him. It's hard to say. I find it hard to let go of people, and I find it hard to really hate them or hold grudges. I just can't forget about who they were to me while I loved them. And I can't stop loving that part of them. I can hate what they did to me and hate who they've become, but I can't hate the part of them that stays with me. That also makes them hard to get over, but I think it keeps even cynical old me human (I'm a lot softer than I come across).

The way I get over people is to stop them from existing in my world. Well, the world. I just go on, and to me, they don't. Which also makes it hard when I see them or something to do with them happens unexpectedly (like reminiscing with old mutual friends....makes real what hasn't seemed that way for awhile) because then I see that they DO exist, and they HAVE moved on. But I have to remember that I've moved on too. I just feel sort of like once I've given my love to somebody, they have it. I'm not going to take it back. And none of them seem to care. Or to feel the same connection to me. I'm going back to pretending they don't exist. It's the only way I know. It's not that I want to be with these people anymore--I don't. I just wish people could be more caring/compassionate and realize that even though things end, they have meaning and significance even if they weren't everlasting. Most things, most important things, aren't everlasting.

*I think I left out an important part of the story. Tonight, my mom and I went to a restaurant in Fort Worth, and I saw the ex in the parking lot, which is really random, because he lives in Stephenville, and we live in Granbury, so the fact that we were in the same parking lot in totally different city was pretty weird. We didn't speak; he was on the phone, and I was talking to my mom (she didn't even see him), but our eyes locked. And it made me nauseous.

One more thing: I find it really ironic that I totally get along better with the cousin. We have a lot more in common, and he's really nice--not a total douchebag like the ex (I'm not the only one who says that about him...he's changed a lot). If the cousin didn't have a girlfriend, I'd be all over that. Haha.