waiting for it to pass

Reading a new blog has finally inspired me to write a new one of my own.

You know that saying "wherever you go, there you are?" I'm so there.

It's not that I came here to run away from something or because I thought my life would magically change. Neither one of those things is true.

I just feel like all of my B.S., all of my insecurities, and all of my self destructive tendencies are rearing their ugly heads at the moment. I realize that this will always happen. Nobody's perfect, and everyone has their issues. I just hate feeling out of control and like I have nothing to hold onto.

First of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this city. And more than that, I've met some really awesome people here, some of whom I will probably always keep in touch with. But I still feel really alone. It's kind of a normal thing for me, and something that I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to shake. And in a way, I don't know if I'd want to. I don't know if I could deal with other people's bullshit too. I like to be around people, but it takes a lot for me to really be close to them. Despite that, I get really attached to friends really fast. Weird.

Anyway, so I'm hearing these rumors about Americans being deported from the Czech Republic because they're being denied visas. Scary! Although it would be kind of a cool story to say you got deported from somewhere, I don't know what is happening. I feel like I may end up in Taiwan soon. Which is okay. I think it looks totally cool. I just kind of wanted to stay here for awhile--maybe six or nine months. Sure, I'll break a couple of contracts by doing that, but I don't think anything severe happens to you for doing that. I don't think anything severe happens to you for much in the Czech Republic. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. But I still love it.

My current fears include:

• not finding a job
• getting deported and not being able to afford a plane ticket out
• not being able to pay for my apartment
• not having any friends (I know that one's irrational, but everything just feels so precarious right now)
• that I'm going to be a bad teacher, or I'm going to hate it
  

Sorry this post isn't more positive. I just had to get that stuff off my chest. I've been feeling a little existential lately. But I think it will pass. I don't even know if this blog makes sense to anyone but me. Haha. Look for more optimistic posts in the near future.