okay...with perspective

Doing things for yourself is amazing.

Not taking anyone else into consideration for your actions and just doing what you want to do... it's so simple. I'm not saying you shouldn't do things for other people. I'm just saying that when making big life decisions, it's best to look out for #1 only.

My parents were really surprised that I'm so ok with the recent turn of events. I just kind of shrugged and said, "What's not to be ok with?"

That one, seemingly simple question says so much more. It is the embodiment of how far I've come.

I think what mainly surprised my parents was that when things aren't going the way I've planned, or I'm going through a major change (whether or not it's brought about by my own choice), I tend to freak out. I get very unstable and existential.

I have, of course, gone through some of the self-destructive habits of the unemployed. Particularly the unemployed in Europe (when in Prague...).

But I'm totally, 112% ok. Happy, even. And I know that I always can be--I have the power to be. Again, what's not to be ok with? Ever. I'm finally learning to roll with it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, distance can also do wonders for a person.

This weekend, my former grad school counterparts took their comprehensive exams. I kept reading their facebook statuses about how they were freaking out, hated their lives, felt like masochists, etc., etc. But all I could think about was how accomplished they were going to feel at the end of the weekend. And how I wasn't there pouring out sweat, blood, and tears with them. How I wasn't going to (yet) know that sense of accomplishment.

It's fine. I know that I made the right decision for me. I also know that I made it a lot harder on myself. But hey, that's what I do. What I mean is that because I've decided to go back in a year and finish my Master's, it's going to be harder for me because I broke up that continuous stream of knowledge and will haven taken 2 years off between my first and second year. That's going to be a lot harder, both in terms of comps and regular coursework. Also, my cohort that I began the program will (obviously) have all moved on by the time I go back. I will be with a bunch of people that I don't know, who didn't know the program the way I did in 2007-2008. And of course, I won't have my grad school buddy, Chelsie. No one could ever replace her. But I know she's doing it without me right now, so I know I can do it without her too.

The flip side of all of those things is that I have So. Much. More. Perspective now. That's what I meant about distance doing amazing things. Last summer, I was so bogged down in the program and not feeling a purpose and drowning in piles of projects that I knew I could handle but didn't have the motivation to. After being away for almost 10 months and doing a LOT of soul searching, I know that a Master's in rhet/comp is really what I want. And I want to finish it in Corpus Christi. I had to be away to get it, to appreciate it, and to remember what I love.

Also, it could also be a good thing that I won't be finishing the program with the people I started it with. It might be good for me to have some classes with people I haven't been in class with since undergrad. Get some new insights--the TEFL course was definitely like that, and I needed it. Also, I won't already be jaded about these people before the classes even start. The whole thing will be more separate from my undergrad, and that can only be positive.

Sidenote: I helped a friend with some writing recently. I felt rusty, but I've still got it! It felt nice to know that I can still do that stuff.

God, it will be weird to move to Corpus Christi and not know anyone there!

Ok, I'm done talking about this for now. My next post should be much more interesting ;).