bad foreign week

I think this has been the hardest week since I got here. Mostly the past couple of days. I think this might even be harder than the first week, but it's hard to say.

Today, to use a Terryism (from Prague), I had a "bad foreign day." Days when nothing goes right and you just want to go home and it's easy to blame it on the country. But it was more than that.

Last week, I felt like I was finally making friends and starting to fit in. This week, I couldn't feel farther from fitting in or less like I belong. I don't think these people really like me, or even know me. I don't know how to make them know me. I don't know if they even want to.

Also, last week and the week before, I felt like I was doing pretty well at the teaching thing. This week, I feel like a terrible teacher. I'm pretty sure the kids don't like me (which while not the most fun thing in the world, is kind of ok because I don't like a lot of them either). But it's still not easy to walk into a classroom knowing the kids aren't happy to see you. Plus, I feel like my bosses are all on my back again after they'd kind of left me alone for a couple of weeks. Thank God for Meejee and Ellie. They are the only ones who I feel like are really on my side. And they have to see my tears most of the time, which....I'm sorry for, for their sakes, but if someone has to see me cry, I'm glad it's them.

And then, of course, there's the Cost Co incident. So, yeah, I go there forgetting everything is GIGANTIC and that I have no efficient way of getting all that shit home. So, I fill up my cart anyway thinking I'll figure it out somehow. I get up to the register and come to find out, they don't take American debit cards (there's no money in my Korean acct. yet). So I have to have her unscan at least half of my shit while there's like 5 people behind me in line. THEN, I have to walk FOR.EV.ER. before I can find a cab that will pick me up (I had no idea where I was). I wanted my American cereal but I don't know if it's worth it! I've decided it's not. I'm not in America, so I can't expect to have American food all the time. Especially in bulk. What single person needs food in those quantities??

And now I need to address the internal change I've been feeling that has nothing to do with work or what I'm doing with my life or any of that. Let me preface this by saying that I like to party. I like to go out and do things, I enjoy nightlife, I even like to get crazy sometimes.

However. Example: tonight, I could have gone to at least two different bars where I know there would've been people I know. Hell, I don't even have a problem going to bars where I don't know anybody. But here's the issue: I didn't want to. And I haven't wanted to. With the exception of one or two nights since I've been here. It's more than being tired or not wanting to see the people I see for ten hours everyday. And it's not that I don't ever want to go to a bar again or do anything crazy.

It's that I've been on a roller coaster of crazy for over a year now, and I just want to get off for awhile. I need to create some sort of normal life for myself, even though I'm only going to be here for a year, so I can feel human again. So, even though I sort of am still waiting (which I am sooo utterly sick of), it doesn't feel like that's ALL I'm doing. I need to find a healthy balance between taking care of myself by eating right, respecting my body, getting rid of stress in a healthy way, doing things for myself like exercising, exploring, and writing, and having fun with friends. I don't really feel a need to go out every weekend because not only does it make me feel more out of control when I already don't feel in control, but I can go out anywhere in the world, and it's more or less same shit, different day. I don't really want to spend my year in Korea inside dark clubs and hung over in my bed.

I'm just over it. I think it's also that I did the whole drinking all the time/partying too much, etc. thing in Prague, and look where that got me. Two sizes bigger, unhappier, etc., etc. People keep telling me I'll get used to drinking all the time and going out all the time, but I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to be that person. And if that means alienating myself, I guess that's what I'll do. I have other things to worry about.

I'm going to focus on my health, and then maybe I can regain the balance I used to have when I was in grad school. Where did that go? What have I done to myself?

But I am going to stay and stick it out. It has crossed my mind to leave, but I am going to start finishing what I start.