When does it stop?

I have never wanted to go home as much as I do right now. I know it wouldn’t solve any of my problems. But I feel like I don’t know how to get better here. I can’t get any of the healthy foods I’m used to turning to (except for fruits and vegetables, of course). I don’t have anything to cook with but two burners, I don’t know how to talk to the people at the pool, I hate hate hate teaching. I like some, ok most, of my kids, but I don’t know if I can last a year. I honestly don’t. I want to. I want to finish, just for the sake of finishing. I want my parents to come visit me here. I want to like it. I want to look back on it as this amazing experience. But right now, I don’t know if I can.

Here’s what I’m scared of: I won’t be able to stop my self-destructive habits. I’ll just keep getting larger and larger. I’m already bigger than I ever thought I would let myself be. When does it stop? I’m also scared I won’t be careful enough with my money and I won’t save/I’ll have to ask my parents for help again. I’m 24 years old. When does it stop? I’m scared I’ll close myself off so much there’s no turning back.

Going overseas was supposed to change me for the better. It wasn’t supposed to waste two years of my life. It was supposed to move me forward. But right now, all I want is to be the person I was a year ago. If you told me that a year ago, I’d never have believed you. I just wish the person I was a year ago could’ve just let herself be happy at home. Because right now, that’s all I want.

I’m trying to remember what Amanda said: This will pass.

When does it stop?