no cliffhangers, please

I've decided I have this incessant need to always know what happens.

It's like my life is a story, a book that I'm reading, and there's always more chapters. I can't leave cliffhangers in my own life. I can't have unanswered questions and undeveloped plot lines. Well, at least not that are in my control...anything unanswered in my life has not been of my choosing.

What I mean is that I always have to find out "what if." What if I go to college with my high school boyfriend? What if I quit grad school so I don't get pigeon-holed into a particular life? What if I save up for 6 months so I can go to Europe and try living abroad? What if I pick up and go to Korea? What if I quit a job that I hate and go try something else? What if I let my guard down and tell someone how I feel about them? I've decided that I've always (pretty much) done what I want when I wanted to, when I wanted to do it, even if it was impractical or unconventional. And when I haven't, it never leads to good things. And this has cost me a lot.

It's worth it. I have no regrets. I also have very little money, a very easily triggered fight-or-flight response, and few tangible marketable skills. But I have lived, as corny as that sounds. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences that I would never have had on a "normal" life path. I just can't stand the unanswered questions, as much pain as they lead me to sometimes.

I've always gone after what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted at the time. Until recently, that had included everything but my love life. Not anymore. And also, I had kind of lost that about myself for awhile until very recently. That's one of the main things that makes me me. I don't accept answers I don't want. If I want something to happen, or if I want to do something, I find a way to make it happen. I always have. Believe me, I know life doesn't turn out the way you plan. But I don't plan on decreasing my determination.

The one thing that I have said over and over to myself since I got back to the states is that I'm tired of just existing. I'm sick of just turning myself off and going through the motions until I can get out of wherever I am. So, for whatever it's worth, I am living now. I'm not leaving stones unturned when I want to see what's underneath. I'm not hiding in my room just because I feel like disappearing...hell, I don't want to disappear.

I think before, my underlying feeling was that I just wanted to be free. When I left Grad School Round #1, I felt like my chains had been cut. And I liked grad school, at least at first. Going overseas, both times, was an attempt at freedom. And then coming home, particularly from Korea, was the same thing. I guess what I've learned about that is that there are always going to be entities making demands on me, and I just have to find my own inner freedom. Unless I want to join the homeless people under the 281 freeway.

It's also easier in a way to be the one always leaving, not the one staying. I've been so scared to be the one staying. I'll be honest; it still terrifies me. But I have to face it, or I will never be happy and I'll never let myself have a home. And it sure is hard to keep setting up a life in new places. I don't want to tear this one down.

Am I done following through on my "what-ifs"? Maybe in the sense that I'm jumping on a transoceanic flight anytime soon, but probably not totally. And I'm okay with that. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me. But today, I'm happy, I'm at home, and I think I'll stick around for awhile.