go find your life

I've been thinking a lot about... well, several things these past few weeks.

There's a quote from "The Help," which I just finished reading, that I can't get out of my head. Toward the end of the book, the character who wrote the book (within the book) gets offered a job in New York but at first says she won't take it because people need her in Jackson. One of the other characters tells her that's ridiculous because she has nothing left in Jackson. She tells her, "Go find your life."

Maybe it's because I identified so much with that character (Skeeter), but I just feel like she was talking to me. My family is here in Texas, but I'm starting to feel again and again, and stronger this time, that I have no future here. At least not right now. My friends are moving on, settling down, finding their lives, if you will. And I'm still flailing. The harder I try not to flail, the worse I do, it seems. I'm not happy in my career, I have nothing to keep me here, and I just feel like I fit in better... elsewhere. I love Texas, but I need a break for awhile.

Maybe it's also because this week, I found out through mild facebook stalking that (get ready for an embarrassing story) someone I was head over heels for in high school is engaged (apparently he has been for awhile, I just hadn't stalked him in several months). That shouldn't be a big deal, but this person was a very close friend of mine and it was one of those situations where everyone thought we were or should be together and I secretly wanted that but it never happened (I really loved him). I still valued his friendship though; I don't want to cheapen that. Anyway, after all this time, and even though I haven't seen or talked to him in 4 1/2 years, I still liked having the idea of him in my head. Even though I know that's stupid and immature and I don't really even know him anymore, I liked the idea. Sometimes it was all I had during some pretty dry spells in my dating life. The "extreme/exceptional" drought of Texas has nothing on my love life. Him getting engaged ruins that fantasy. (although last night he and his fiance, whom I've never met, were BOTH in my dream... aaaauuuggghh).

Anyway, I think what struck me so much about it was less that he, a person who I for all intents and purposes don't know anymore, is getting married, but that I am not. And I really, honestly, don't want to be right now. I know I can be bitter, and I do get lonely sometimes, but it's more about the fact that I'm losing my friends to this institution than it is about wanting someone for myself. Even if I fell in love right now, I don't think I'd want to get married. Everything about doing normal settling down things makes me want to run the other way. Freedom and pride are very important to me, however wrong or right that may be. More important to me than finding "the one" (what a crock of shit that is anyway--I believe in the possibility of being with someone for a long time and being happy, but I don't believe there's one perfect person for everybody... but I digress).

Add this one instance to the probably hundreds of others that are happening with my friends now. I am seriously one of the only people I know who is not in a serious relationship, married, and/or has a child. And while I still love all of my friends, it changes things; it just does. I'm tired of being the only single one EVERYWHERE, I'm tired of being the only one who rejects all these societal constructs, and I'm just... tired. I've spent my entire life dreaming of going off and living in these interesting places (not that Texas isn't interesting!) and doing what I really wanted. I've gotten close a couple of times, even flown across the world, but I haven't quite hit it yet. And I'm realizing more and more that I'm not ready to give up.

It's hard to leave my family and friends behind, but I'll be okay. I know this sounds bad, but I've let it get to a point where it's almost like my love and need for them is so intense that it's holding me back. It's keeping me from moving on. It's freaking hard, harder than I ever imagined, but it just goes back to I have to find my life. Not theirs. They'll still and will always be there for me, but at the end of the day, all I have is myself. I need to start trusting me.

The difference between now and the times before is that this time, I feel really clear-headed. The other times, I felt like I was running in circles.