the antidote

Tonight I drove to Galveston for the hell of it. I NEEDED the ocean. And most nights (and weekends) here in Clear Lake, I am bored out of my mind. I just can't seem to get it together. I know it took a few months, but in Beeville, I would get really excited about cooking and that would take up a good portion of my evenings. But here, I don't seem to give a shit. There's plenty to do here too, outside my apartment. But I don't give a shit about that either. It's like I'm here, but I'm not really. I'm looking for myself, and I don't know how to find me. Driving to the beach was part of the search. I think I found a piece.


So I parked on the seawall (it's still free! I think till 2012) and walked out into the ocean fully clothed. By into the ocean, that's what I mean. I didn't go underwater or anything, but I was in up to my thighs. I realized as I felt that first rush of waves on my ankles that I hadn't been in the ocean all summer. Where has the summer gone?

It was fabulous. I am always mesmerized by the ocean. Its vastness, its endlessness, its power. It's like a big, beautiful creature that is comforting but you know could kill you. Just swallow you up. Sometimes it scares me how much it fascinates me. I love it.

I stayed at the beach awhile, sitting on the jetty, watching the waves and all the little kids. It was so nice to smell the salt again. Then, I took an inadvertent tour of Galveston on my way out of town, but now I know where the strand, UTMB, opera house and some other places are.

Next week, I'll be going back up to the Woodlands to make a little extra money babysitting. When I go, I stay with my grandmother, whom I love, although when we lived together for a couple of months, she drove me crazy (I think it was mutual). Now, when I go stay up there for a few days, she doesn't bother me nearly as much because I'm just so happy there's someone there.

It shouldn't be this hard. I've lived alone three times before this. I think the difference now is that all of those times, I had a large group of coworkers and/or friends to interact with during the day. Now, it's just me and Doug, and while we get along superbly, he's gone a lot of the time doing sales, I'm not always working out of the office either, etc., etc. So I spend a ridiculous amount of time alone. I'm not afraid of being alone, mind you, I'm independent almost to a fault. But we're social creatures. And being alone all the time drives me batshit crazy. For real.

Although I had to move on and I didn't belong there, I really, really miss my work family in Beeville. That kooky little town in general. Tonight I had the thought that in many ways, that'll probably be one of the best years of my life, as hard as that probably is for most people to understand. I know I'll never have a better employer. I don't have a single regret about it. And I don't say that about a lot of experiences.