Ok, so I realize that it's technically Saturday already because it's after midnight. But since I haven't gone to bed yet, and I haven't blogged yet today, I'm still counting it as Friday. So, I just have to blog again on real Saturday (as in sometime between the time I wake up tomorrow and then go to sleep again tomorrow night...meaning Saturday), and I'll be right on schedule. I'm going to try not to let this happen again though, unless I don't have internet access for some reason (like I'm out of town and can't get wireless or whatever), and then I'll just have to blog in a pages document and copy and paste it here later.
Anyway, so first of all, I don't get what's up with people deleting friends on facebook. I get it if you were dumb enough to accept a friend request from someone you didn't know and you're thinking that in hindsight, that was really stupid. And I get it if you need to cut yourself off from an ex. I've done that one before. But don't delete me just because we were friends in high school but I haven't seen you in the past 7 years. If we were friends then, just because we're not part of each other's daily lives now doesn't mean that we can't still be friendly and can't remember the good times. To me, deleting someone like that is kind of like saying, "you were never important to me." Or like saying, I never want to talk to you again. Excuse me, but if I randomly saw you on the street somewhere, I would still want to have a conversation with you just to catch up. If I didn't, I wouldn't have accepted your friend request or sent you one in the first place. That's all I have to say about that.
Next. I get insanely jealous when people start talking about making plans to take overseas trips (this literally just happened about half an hour ago, and I didn't enjoy it). I know it's stupid, and I know I've spent more time overseas than most people will in their entire lives, but I do. Maybe it's the whole travel bug thing and how it's just something that you can never get over if you have it. And that I still want to see and experience so many more places. But it's also that I still haven't totally forgiven myself for not trying harder to make it work in Prague (of course, hindsight's 20/2o...I couldn't really see or understand those mistakes till months after I had made them...and of course I learned from them, but I can't help feeling like I paid a terrible price) and, of course, leaving Korea early, though I couldn't see the ramifications of that decision at the time either. Maybe some of that comes with age. I just couldn't see past how I felt in the moment, but I feel like I am learning how to do that now. I'm not crazy about having to live in Beeville away from my friends and family. But I know that if I stick with my journalism career (which I really, honestly do love), it will pay off. I've already learned so much. If I stick it out for awhile, I can learn more and get so much better at what I'm doing. Then, I can move on, probably go pretty much wherever I want next, maybe even go to journalism or publishing grad school (after I make more headway on my current loans, of course), and travel again someday, maybe even as part of my journalism career. That would be fucking awesome (really no other way to say that). Kind of a dream I've always had but never dared to admit to myself until now.
But despite all of that and how amazing it could be one day (even if I just move back to the DFW area, which right now, is something that I'm seriously considering for my future), it's not what matters now. What really matters is that I be content and appreciate where I am. I need to be happy now. If I don't let myself do that, I'll just always be chasing something and never letting myself just live in the moment and enjoy the good things I have. Right now, I live 60 miles from the coast, 80 miles from San Antonio, 3 hours away from a good portion of my family, and most of my friends live reasonably close to me. Plus, I really couldn't ask for a better newspaper to start out at. Yes, I'm in Beeville, yes, it sucks to be in South Texas sometimes (a lot), but I can't focus on that part of it.
Anyway, I'm starting to gross myself out because I'm sounding like one of those cheesy motivational posters. And I promised myself that I would stop writing blogs like this because they just end up being the same all the time (all though in some ways, they're good because I need to work this stuff out, and I'm still in that process). Next time (tomorrow), I WILL write one telling a story about something that happened recently. I WILL. So, for now, good night.
Actually, I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite Jimmy Eat World quotes:
If I don't let myself be happy now, then when? If not now, when?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
there is light at the end of the quarter life crisis tunnel...i think
So here goes Project 365 Day Two. I wonder how long it will take before I stop beginning my entries with whatever day I'm on.
So I'm happy in my job. For the most part. And I know there are no perfect jobs, and it's easier to think that the grass is always greener. I feel like I'm good at my job now, at least most parts of it. I'm a very, very weak photographer. Like I totally screwed something up this morning (although I think I may be having camera issues). And I know I can't expect to be perfect at everything, especially when I haven't even been working here (or anywhere like this) for 6 months. I guess I really am a perfectionist, even though sometimes I can be lazy and/or careless. I'm trying really hard to just do my best at whatever I'm doing and not to halfass anymore. I've gotten reeeally in the habit of halfassing over the years.
Anyway, so the issue is this: I like my job. I really do. But I miss kids. (NOT toddlers, just kids). I miss teaching. I miss traveling. Every time I see a friend's status about Korea or Prague or anything like that, I feel serious pangs. And I know I'm paying my dues, if I really want to be a journalist. I know I won't be here forever. I know I can still travel, eventually (if I ever get any vacation/make any more money). But I still feel like I never completely fulfilled my dream of living overseas because I came home early both times. And I know that I made it further than a lot of people who are interested in that kind of thing, but that doesn't really make it easier now.
In some ways, it probably makes it harder because if I had never gone, sure I might still want to do something like that, but it wouldn't feel like I failed at something that should've been(and was, if I could've just woken up and realized it) really awesome. Maybe I'd be content to just be living in Texas, working at a newspaper, leading my little life. Of course, who knows. Maybe not.
Not that it matters now anyway. I am where I am, and I'm damn lucky to be here. And when I think about where I was and how I felt a year ago, jobless and living at home, I feel even luckier.
And, the other thing that eats at me from time to time is that I am actually, for all my travel bug issues, really homesick for North Texas. Not Granbury specifically, but I would really like to go back to the DFW area. Fort Worth, if possible. If I don't end up going back to Korea next year, I will probably just stay here at this job for another year or two, racking up that experience so that next year or the year after, I can hopefully find a job back in civilization (civilization to me means Dallas, Fort Worth, Austin, or Houston). Maybe I will even go to grad school for journalism someday, after I pay off more of my existing loans. Maybe I will go for one of those jobs in D.C. you have to have 3 to 5 years of experience for (once I get that much experience, of course). Maybe I'll do an Americorps gig for a year either before or after J school to help pay for it. Who knows? Just because I have a career now doesn't mean I have to stop having dreams or goals. Maybe now I can actually reach the goals I set. And it doesn't mean I can't do new and exciting things. I need to remember that.
P.S. I want to write more blogs that actually tell stories about things that happen to me in my day to day life. I need to remember that too and stop going on and on about this same bullshit.
So I'm happy in my job. For the most part. And I know there are no perfect jobs, and it's easier to think that the grass is always greener. I feel like I'm good at my job now, at least most parts of it. I'm a very, very weak photographer. Like I totally screwed something up this morning (although I think I may be having camera issues). And I know I can't expect to be perfect at everything, especially when I haven't even been working here (or anywhere like this) for 6 months. I guess I really am a perfectionist, even though sometimes I can be lazy and/or careless. I'm trying really hard to just do my best at whatever I'm doing and not to halfass anymore. I've gotten reeeally in the habit of halfassing over the years.
Anyway, so the issue is this: I like my job. I really do. But I miss kids. (NOT toddlers, just kids). I miss teaching. I miss traveling. Every time I see a friend's status about Korea or Prague or anything like that, I feel serious pangs. And I know I'm paying my dues, if I really want to be a journalist. I know I won't be here forever. I know I can still travel, eventually (if I ever get any vacation/make any more money). But I still feel like I never completely fulfilled my dream of living overseas because I came home early both times. And I know that I made it further than a lot of people who are interested in that kind of thing, but that doesn't really make it easier now.
In some ways, it probably makes it harder because if I had never gone, sure I might still want to do something like that, but it wouldn't feel like I failed at something that should've been(and was, if I could've just woken up and realized it) really awesome. Maybe I'd be content to just be living in Texas, working at a newspaper, leading my little life. Of course, who knows. Maybe not.
Not that it matters now anyway. I am where I am, and I'm damn lucky to be here. And when I think about where I was and how I felt a year ago, jobless and living at home, I feel even luckier.
And, the other thing that eats at me from time to time is that I am actually, for all my travel bug issues, really homesick for North Texas. Not Granbury specifically, but I would really like to go back to the DFW area. Fort Worth, if possible. If I don't end up going back to Korea next year, I will probably just stay here at this job for another year or two, racking up that experience so that next year or the year after, I can hopefully find a job back in civilization (civilization to me means Dallas, Fort Worth, Austin, or Houston). Maybe I will even go to grad school for journalism someday, after I pay off more of my existing loans. Maybe I will go for one of those jobs in D.C. you have to have 3 to 5 years of experience for (once I get that much experience, of course). Maybe I'll do an Americorps gig for a year either before or after J school to help pay for it. Who knows? Just because I have a career now doesn't mean I have to stop having dreams or goals. Maybe now I can actually reach the goals I set. And it doesn't mean I can't do new and exciting things. I need to remember that.
P.S. I want to write more blogs that actually tell stories about things that happen to me in my day to day life. I need to remember that too and stop going on and on about this same bullshit.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Project 365 and making up the truth
I've been thinking about doing a blog project-type thing for some time now. It would be just for me, a journal more than anything else, and it might even be pretty boring to anyone who reads it but me. But as I've said before, the mere possibility that someone might be reading this motivates me to write it more than if I knew without a doubt that no one would see it. That might be narcissistic or self-indulgent, but it's true. But who knows, I might get some stories worth keeping out of this project.
The project is "Project 365," a title stolen from my friend Alison, whom I met in Korea. Her Project 365 was a photo thing. She had to take at least one picture everyday for a year (the year she was abroad, obviously), and if she took more than one on a particular day, she would choose her favorite to be included in the Project 365 album. Well, I'm going to apply this concept to blogging. It's sort of similar to the Julie & Julia idea, but without a specific focus or theme (I was going to try this in Korea, but we see how well that worked out). I've written a few things in the past couple of years (a couple of stories and poems, but mostly blogs), but I feel like I need something to really get my writing going again. When I was in the middle of all my creative writing classes, I would just sit down at the computer and crank out stories or poems (they would need revision, of course, but I could get the basics down easily). Now, when I try start writing something new, I feel like I have absolutely nothing to say (even if I feel like I started out with a good idea, I can't get going). Which is ironic because when I was doing all that creative writing in college, I felt like I didn't have enough life experience to write really good stuff. Now, I have probably at least twice the life experience I did then, and I can't get the words out. So maybe if I write about my life as it happens each day, it won't feel like such a big task. I guess the bottom line is at least I'll be writing. And today, this entry, is the first. I will do this everyday until July 28, 2011, and just see where it takes me. (That's another thing I need to work on... waiting to be taken places and not forcing it... from my experience as a reporter and learning about other people's lives, the people with the most interesting ones just kind of went with the flow).
I write at my job, but it's not quite the same. It's fun to write newspaper articles, especially features, but it's different when the content isn't coming solely out of your own head. It's not as much of a challenge when you don't have all the info in front of you, and stuff is either true or it isn't. I guess the real challenge is making up the truth however you want it to be for that piece. But on that note, don't we, at least on some level, make up our own truth all the time? Things are only as we perceive them....
The project is "Project 365," a title stolen from my friend Alison, whom I met in Korea. Her Project 365 was a photo thing. She had to take at least one picture everyday for a year (the year she was abroad, obviously), and if she took more than one on a particular day, she would choose her favorite to be included in the Project 365 album. Well, I'm going to apply this concept to blogging. It's sort of similar to the Julie & Julia idea, but without a specific focus or theme (I was going to try this in Korea, but we see how well that worked out). I've written a few things in the past couple of years (a couple of stories and poems, but mostly blogs), but I feel like I need something to really get my writing going again. When I was in the middle of all my creative writing classes, I would just sit down at the computer and crank out stories or poems (they would need revision, of course, but I could get the basics down easily). Now, when I try start writing something new, I feel like I have absolutely nothing to say (even if I feel like I started out with a good idea, I can't get going). Which is ironic because when I was doing all that creative writing in college, I felt like I didn't have enough life experience to write really good stuff. Now, I have probably at least twice the life experience I did then, and I can't get the words out. So maybe if I write about my life as it happens each day, it won't feel like such a big task. I guess the bottom line is at least I'll be writing. And today, this entry, is the first. I will do this everyday until July 28, 2011, and just see where it takes me. (That's another thing I need to work on... waiting to be taken places and not forcing it... from my experience as a reporter and learning about other people's lives, the people with the most interesting ones just kind of went with the flow).
I write at my job, but it's not quite the same. It's fun to write newspaper articles, especially features, but it's different when the content isn't coming solely out of your own head. It's not as much of a challenge when you don't have all the info in front of you, and stuff is either true or it isn't. I guess the real challenge is making up the truth however you want it to be for that piece. But on that note, don't we, at least on some level, make up our own truth all the time? Things are only as we perceive them....
Monday, July 26, 2010
not the destination
Starting Over....Yet Again
Today I finally understood what people mean
when they say it’s not about the destination.
It’s the journey that really matters.
all this time,
no matter where I’ve been,
-and I’ve been a lot of places-
I’ve been so worried
about where I’m going
next, what I’m going to do.
And
while it’s nice
to have goals in mind, I really need to enjoy
where I am and
what I’m doing
NOW
because you know what’s waiting for me when I get to that destination?
Another journey.
No one is allowed to judge that poem/paragraph. I'm not pretending it's good. It just describes where I am in my life right now.
This whole experience (the robbery and aftermath) has been very cleansing for me. It was like a rupture in time. Like I was hurtling down this self-destructive path and it took somebody else, people I didn’t even know, to take MY things away from me (rather than me cheating myself out of what should be mine) for me to get my ass in gear. And while it’s always true that moving gives you a chance to kind of start with a clean slate, this is an even bigger new starting point for me. I have some new stuff, including this computer, I’m minus some old stuff (which I’ve realized was mostly just weighing me down, mentally, emotionally, and physically). I replaced what was really important to me, and I’m not worrying about the rest of it. I’m not saying it didn’t suck to lose some of that stuff, but honestly, it’s just stuff.
And I’m more sure than ever now of what I want my next destination to be. However, I am de-freaking-termined to enjoy this time, being within reasonable driving distance of most of my friends and family, having a big-girl job, being a journalist. The distance I’ve had from my old life these past 6 months or so has made me realize what, of all my endeavors, is what I really want to do, long-term. And also that while we all have talents, you can’t expect to be perfect at something right away. Everything takes learning and practice. And a whole hell of a lot of self confidence. And perseverance. Trying your best and giving yourself a break is all you can ask of yourself as long as you know you’re giving what you can.
I know where my heart is: in writing AND in teaching. In a way, that surprises me, but in another way, I think I’ve always known it. I want to write more than I have been. I have all of those great ideas for stuff to write, but I never actually write what I think of. I want that to change. And I want to write what I want and be able to put myself into it, rather than the unbiased news. Audrey was right; reporting and writing are different. And while I’m not doing my usual and coming up with all the reasons why I hate what I’m doing (and I don’t hate it, not at all), I have realized what I want. I want to write, and maybe even try to get published, on the side of my teaching career. I want to go overseas, finish what I started, see A LOT more of the world, save up some money, pay off my loans, come back to the U.S., and become an ESL teacher at home. That was when I felt the most useful and had the biggest connection with my students--when I subbed in ESL classes in Granbury. And also with some of my classes in Korea....
I think I’m done for now. And I think we all know I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.
Today I finally understood what people mean
when they say it’s not about the destination.
It’s the journey that really matters.
all this time,
no matter where I’ve been,
-and I’ve been a lot of places-
I’ve been so worried
about where I’m going
next, what I’m going to do.
And
while it’s nice
to have goals in mind, I really need to enjoy
where I am and
what I’m doing
NOW
because you know what’s waiting for me when I get to that destination?
Another journey.
No one is allowed to judge that poem/paragraph. I'm not pretending it's good. It just describes where I am in my life right now.
This whole experience (the robbery and aftermath) has been very cleansing for me. It was like a rupture in time. Like I was hurtling down this self-destructive path and it took somebody else, people I didn’t even know, to take MY things away from me (rather than me cheating myself out of what should be mine) for me to get my ass in gear. And while it’s always true that moving gives you a chance to kind of start with a clean slate, this is an even bigger new starting point for me. I have some new stuff, including this computer, I’m minus some old stuff (which I’ve realized was mostly just weighing me down, mentally, emotionally, and physically). I replaced what was really important to me, and I’m not worrying about the rest of it. I’m not saying it didn’t suck to lose some of that stuff, but honestly, it’s just stuff.
And I’m more sure than ever now of what I want my next destination to be. However, I am de-freaking-termined to enjoy this time, being within reasonable driving distance of most of my friends and family, having a big-girl job, being a journalist. The distance I’ve had from my old life these past 6 months or so has made me realize what, of all my endeavors, is what I really want to do, long-term. And also that while we all have talents, you can’t expect to be perfect at something right away. Everything takes learning and practice. And a whole hell of a lot of self confidence. And perseverance. Trying your best and giving yourself a break is all you can ask of yourself as long as you know you’re giving what you can.
I know where my heart is: in writing AND in teaching. In a way, that surprises me, but in another way, I think I’ve always known it. I want to write more than I have been. I have all of those great ideas for stuff to write, but I never actually write what I think of. I want that to change. And I want to write what I want and be able to put myself into it, rather than the unbiased news. Audrey was right; reporting and writing are different. And while I’m not doing my usual and coming up with all the reasons why I hate what I’m doing (and I don’t hate it, not at all), I have realized what I want. I want to write, and maybe even try to get published, on the side of my teaching career. I want to go overseas, finish what I started, see A LOT more of the world, save up some money, pay off my loans, come back to the U.S., and become an ESL teacher at home. That was when I felt the most useful and had the biggest connection with my students--when I subbed in ESL classes in Granbury. And also with some of my classes in Korea....
I think I’m done for now. And I think we all know I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.
Friday, June 11, 2010
confessions of a badass
I wish I could be the person I am when I write--all the time. When I write, I can say what I mean and be myself and it just comes out. I don't have to think about it or analyze it, I just know it's true and I don't care what anyone thinks. I can say what I can't say out loud.
Very few people know the real, uncensored me. The one that doesn't clam up and can find the words easily. The one who says what she really means and doesn't have a lack of confidence.
I've gotten close to several friends lately who I went to college with but didn't know very well (or at all) at the time. I feel like they have a good idea of who I am. But I'm not as vocal around them as I could be. I guess that will come with time.
I don't feel as nervous as I used to. I've had a few people tell me I'm a badass. I don't see that. I see that maybe I project that because I feel inadequate in other ways. Then again, a friend I met in Prague last year tells me I'm a badass even though she's seen my insecure side. Maybe being a badass doesn't mean you're 100% secure 100% of the time.
I find it pretty easy to talk to people I don't know. I just wish it took me less time to completely open up to people. I mean, maybe nobody opens up that much immediately. And I am very guarded. I don't know how to change that. But I think I'm worth getting to know.
Maybe part of me will always feel like the nerdy girl who never gets noticed.
All of this said, life has been pretty darn good lately. I just wanted to get that stuff off my chest. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and like I really belong. Maybe part of that comes from finally doing something I know I'm good at. And just being able to be, without thinking about where in the world I'm going to go next and what I'm going to do when I get there.
Very few people know the real, uncensored me. The one that doesn't clam up and can find the words easily. The one who says what she really means and doesn't have a lack of confidence.
I've gotten close to several friends lately who I went to college with but didn't know very well (or at all) at the time. I feel like they have a good idea of who I am. But I'm not as vocal around them as I could be. I guess that will come with time.
I don't feel as nervous as I used to. I've had a few people tell me I'm a badass. I don't see that. I see that maybe I project that because I feel inadequate in other ways. Then again, a friend I met in Prague last year tells me I'm a badass even though she's seen my insecure side. Maybe being a badass doesn't mean you're 100% secure 100% of the time.
I find it pretty easy to talk to people I don't know. I just wish it took me less time to completely open up to people. I mean, maybe nobody opens up that much immediately. And I am very guarded. I don't know how to change that. But I think I'm worth getting to know.
Maybe part of me will always feel like the nerdy girl who never gets noticed.
All of this said, life has been pretty darn good lately. I just wanted to get that stuff off my chest. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and like I really belong. Maybe part of that comes from finally doing something I know I'm good at. And just being able to be, without thinking about where in the world I'm going to go next and what I'm going to do when I get there.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
getting past the freak outs
Things have really fallen into place lately.
I love my job (despite my ongoing battle with InDesign), I just joined a bike club, I'm reasonably close to most of my friends, and I guess..mainly, I just feel like I've regained control of my life.
I'm not going to say things are perfect. I get lonely sometimes, and sometimes really freaked out at night alone in my house. I still worry that I'm going to be alone forever, even though I'm okay on my own right now. There's just no one really to hang out with here. My job isn't perfect either, but I love it and I know I'm doing something that I'm good at and I like, which means I finally have a career! That's the main reason why I finally feel in control.
And I do still think about traveling and being overseas a lot. I really miss that. I miss the adventures, the people, the food, the randomness... but you can't have it both ways. I wish there was a way I could travel like that and still do what I love for a job. Because when you abhor your job, everything else in life kind of has a cloud over it too. And there are certain things I can't do overseas, like train for bike rides and triathlons, cook what and how I want to (which usually results in me eating really unhealthily which leads to other negative effects). But I do kind of wish I could say I spent a year in a foreign country, not just a few months here and there. But still, a lot of people can't even say that. I wouldn't trade my experiences. And for me, as much as I wish this wasn't part of it, it was all a part of me figuring out who I am and what I want. I couldn't just go and chill out like most people do. I was really looking for something (although I didn't really know that at the time). Do I wish I could've let go and just gone with it? Sure. But I wouldn't be where I am now otherwise, and by the end of all that, I was really, reeeeally ready to have a big girl job (that wasn't teaching) and be out on my own.
Maybe someday I'll get to be a traveling journalist. That would be the ultimate career goal for me. For now, I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the stars and my feet on the ground. That's a quote, I can't remember who from, but it's the balance I need to keep.
The other thing I was just thinking about was that there's always going to be something to be freaked out about, so why bother?
I love my job (despite my ongoing battle with InDesign), I just joined a bike club, I'm reasonably close to most of my friends, and I guess..mainly, I just feel like I've regained control of my life.
I'm not going to say things are perfect. I get lonely sometimes, and sometimes really freaked out at night alone in my house. I still worry that I'm going to be alone forever, even though I'm okay on my own right now. There's just no one really to hang out with here. My job isn't perfect either, but I love it and I know I'm doing something that I'm good at and I like, which means I finally have a career! That's the main reason why I finally feel in control.
And I do still think about traveling and being overseas a lot. I really miss that. I miss the adventures, the people, the food, the randomness... but you can't have it both ways. I wish there was a way I could travel like that and still do what I love for a job. Because when you abhor your job, everything else in life kind of has a cloud over it too. And there are certain things I can't do overseas, like train for bike rides and triathlons, cook what and how I want to (which usually results in me eating really unhealthily which leads to other negative effects). But I do kind of wish I could say I spent a year in a foreign country, not just a few months here and there. But still, a lot of people can't even say that. I wouldn't trade my experiences. And for me, as much as I wish this wasn't part of it, it was all a part of me figuring out who I am and what I want. I couldn't just go and chill out like most people do. I was really looking for something (although I didn't really know that at the time). Do I wish I could've let go and just gone with it? Sure. But I wouldn't be where I am now otherwise, and by the end of all that, I was really, reeeeally ready to have a big girl job (that wasn't teaching) and be out on my own.
Maybe someday I'll get to be a traveling journalist. That would be the ultimate career goal for me. For now, I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the stars and my feet on the ground. That's a quote, I can't remember who from, but it's the balance I need to keep.
The other thing I was just thinking about was that there's always going to be something to be freaked out about, so why bother?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
the edge
By now, I should be used to the fact that I am completely and totally alone.
Most of the time, I'm okay with this. I'm an only child, I'm incredibly independent, I don't usually mind doing stuff by myself, and I strongly value alone time. And I know that I'm not literally alone. Sometimes, it just feels like everybody else has these huge networks of people in their lives, and I can count mine on two hands.
I'm really fine. I just hate it when I really want to do something, like go to a festival, and there's no one who can go with me. Not just that, but that of the 3 or so people I can think of, they're either unavailable or don't want to. Ordinarily, if I really wanted to do something that bad, I would just go by myself. But I don't exactly know where it is or how long it will take to get there (I don't have time to get lost this evening...plus I've been driving A LOT lately and don't really feel like an unnecessary solo road trip), and how fun is it to go to a festival by yourself? I'm not a person who's afraid of doing things by herself. I'll go to the movies, bars, and restaurants alone if I really want to go, it's not that big of a deal. But some things, like festivals, are just not that great by yourself.
Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? My family's far away (and most of them have always been far away), I'm about to be at least an hour away from any of my friends, and I doubt there's a thriving young single population in Beeville. Don't get me wrong, I'm 112% happy with my decision. I know that this job is going to be fantastic, I'm going to get great experience in a great environment, and the small town thing doesn't bother me (I'm even kind of looking forward to it) except that I'll be alone. And like I said, being alone is pretty okay with me. But it is nice to know that I can have company if I want it. I don't really know what it'll be like to be without that security.
And I'm not usually freaked out about being single. I know I'm only 24 and that relationships are not even all they're cracked up to be. For me at least, there are definitely pros and cons to being single and to having someone. But the older I get, the more I wonder how isolating life will be if I stay single. I know that most of my single friends really want to find someone and/or believe that there's someone for everyone (I definitely don't believe that...for many reasons, most of which actually are not cynical...but that's a different soapbox that I'll get into another time). So, if my friends who are currently single end up with someone, that changes everything. Sure, we'll still be friends, but hanging out won't be the same. They'll either have to bring their significant others or worry about what that person is doing. Annoying. And we won't have nearly as much in common in anymore because they'll all be domesticated and/or parents and worrying about couple/parent/domestic things. And I'll be hanging out with my dog, doing exactly what I want when I want (with the exception of going to festivals).
Sometimes, all I want is to be alone. For everyone to just leave me alone. To be able to just do everything myself, exactly how and when I want it done. And if I spend too much consecutive time with one person, they seriously get on my nerves and I need space.
But then there's the other times. The times when even I am not immune from the longing for human connection. When I want someone to be there that I can always count on to go to festivals with me. Or to make me feel like I'm not all alone and family-less in the edge of the world that is South Texas.
Like I said, I am really excited about my new job. And I love South Texas. And I'm happy that I will have friends an hour away in either direction. I just needed to express my fears about my new life and being a real person versus a student/nomad. Because being a student means that you're planning to move on and do something else in a couple of years when you graduate, and you have that to hold onto on the bad days when you feel stuck. And being a nomad means that you don't have to form real attachments to places, people, or jobs. This is the first time I'm making a real life for myself with no endpoint and no chance to flee. It's exciting, and it's what I desperately need, but it's also terrifying to face, especially because I've run from it for so long.
On the flip side of that, this is also the first time I've ever been excited to go to work.
Most of the time, I'm okay with this. I'm an only child, I'm incredibly independent, I don't usually mind doing stuff by myself, and I strongly value alone time. And I know that I'm not literally alone. Sometimes, it just feels like everybody else has these huge networks of people in their lives, and I can count mine on two hands.
I'm really fine. I just hate it when I really want to do something, like go to a festival, and there's no one who can go with me. Not just that, but that of the 3 or so people I can think of, they're either unavailable or don't want to. Ordinarily, if I really wanted to do something that bad, I would just go by myself. But I don't exactly know where it is or how long it will take to get there (I don't have time to get lost this evening...plus I've been driving A LOT lately and don't really feel like an unnecessary solo road trip), and how fun is it to go to a festival by yourself? I'm not a person who's afraid of doing things by herself. I'll go to the movies, bars, and restaurants alone if I really want to go, it's not that big of a deal. But some things, like festivals, are just not that great by yourself.
Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? My family's far away (and most of them have always been far away), I'm about to be at least an hour away from any of my friends, and I doubt there's a thriving young single population in Beeville. Don't get me wrong, I'm 112% happy with my decision. I know that this job is going to be fantastic, I'm going to get great experience in a great environment, and the small town thing doesn't bother me (I'm even kind of looking forward to it) except that I'll be alone. And like I said, being alone is pretty okay with me. But it is nice to know that I can have company if I want it. I don't really know what it'll be like to be without that security.
And I'm not usually freaked out about being single. I know I'm only 24 and that relationships are not even all they're cracked up to be. For me at least, there are definitely pros and cons to being single and to having someone. But the older I get, the more I wonder how isolating life will be if I stay single. I know that most of my single friends really want to find someone and/or believe that there's someone for everyone (I definitely don't believe that...for many reasons, most of which actually are not cynical...but that's a different soapbox that I'll get into another time). So, if my friends who are currently single end up with someone, that changes everything. Sure, we'll still be friends, but hanging out won't be the same. They'll either have to bring their significant others or worry about what that person is doing. Annoying. And we won't have nearly as much in common in anymore because they'll all be domesticated and/or parents and worrying about couple/parent/domestic things. And I'll be hanging out with my dog, doing exactly what I want when I want (with the exception of going to festivals).
Sometimes, all I want is to be alone. For everyone to just leave me alone. To be able to just do everything myself, exactly how and when I want it done. And if I spend too much consecutive time with one person, they seriously get on my nerves and I need space.
But then there's the other times. The times when even I am not immune from the longing for human connection. When I want someone to be there that I can always count on to go to festivals with me. Or to make me feel like I'm not all alone and family-less in the edge of the world that is South Texas.
Like I said, I am really excited about my new job. And I love South Texas. And I'm happy that I will have friends an hour away in either direction. I just needed to express my fears about my new life and being a real person versus a student/nomad. Because being a student means that you're planning to move on and do something else in a couple of years when you graduate, and you have that to hold onto on the bad days when you feel stuck. And being a nomad means that you don't have to form real attachments to places, people, or jobs. This is the first time I'm making a real life for myself with no endpoint and no chance to flee. It's exciting, and it's what I desperately need, but it's also terrifying to face, especially because I've run from it for so long.
On the flip side of that, this is also the first time I've ever been excited to go to work.
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