I'm sitting here playing on the internet and listening to somewhat melancholy music. I've always been a fan of depressing music; it makes me happy. Okay, maybe not happy, but I like to sort of lose myself in it. Is there really any better form of expression? Even those of us who are not musically inclined (as my classes full of Korean kids who have heard me sing the cheesy songs in their textbooks can attest to) can be taken to higher level of existence through music. And the depressing stuff brings out the best in the artists.
Anyway. Another good weekend. A weekend filled with food, alcohol and new friends. Walking the streets of Daejeon. Shopping in stores made for tiny Asian women. Meeting people from all kinds of places. Introducing my new British friends to margaritas. Introducing myself to a soju and margarita hangover on Saturday morning. Practicing my new Korean reading skills.
There are some exciting things coming up in the next couple of months. The organization where I take Korean class is hosting a trip to Jeonju, a traditional Korean town, at the end of the month, as well as a hiking/tree planting trip in April. I'm going to sign up for a 10K run in Gyeongju, where the cherry blossoms are supposed to be phenomenal. I also plan on signing up for a DMZ tour, but I may have missed the window for that one. Another one will come along. In the next couple of weeks, I'm going to head up to Seoul to see my dear friend Brandy from home. I feel like life here has been extremely busy so far, but I like it. I feel like I'm actually a part of life here rather than watching it from the outside, which I have felt too many times before. Of course I'm still in the adjustment period, but I'm pretty pleased with how everything is going.
There are times when I feel pangs for home, but I know that if I were at home, I would wish I were here. And there are times when I wake up in the morning surprised/scared to be in Korea, but the fear passes relatively quickly and I just go on. I remember what I am proving to myself and how lucky I am to be able to experience all of this.
I wish I had more interesting and intelligent things to say at the moment, but I'm at a loss.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
getting my bearings
Just thought I'd write an update for everyone who was worried about me the other day. Things are going MUCH better.
It's been a whirlwind of a few days. It's hard to believe that it's only my third full day here. Friday was a little difficult, mainly because of the jet lag, but other than that, it was good. Matthew, the head English teacher, walked me to the school that morning, and as soon as we walked into the teachers' room and he introduced me to Kelly, the director, she hugged me and I instantly liked her and knew it was all going to be okay. I met the rest of the teachers: Istelle and Tania from South Africa, Daniel from Mississippi, Helen and Pierre from England, and many Korean teachers, all of whom were friendly. It's nice because the foreign and Korean teachers really seem to get along and work well together, which wasn't the case at my old school (although I'm going to try really hard not to compare the two all the time, at least not publicly). My co-teacher's name is Sarah as well, and she was very nice and helpful.
They feed us free lunch at the school, which is really nice, and the building that houses the school also contains our bank, a gym, a swimming pool, a deli, and there are other shops, a fruit stand and some other things on the same corner. The schedule seems good too. The classes are 40 minutes, and we each teach many classes but have several breaks throughout the day. That's really all I know at this point. Tomorrow, I begin teaching and I have to go get my health check to get the process of getting my alien card started. Once I have the card, I can get a bank account and a cell phone.
So anyway, so far, so good at work.
Friday night, Daniel and Helen showed me around the neighborhood a bit: grocery stores, restaurants, etc. We ate kimbap at a place a couple of blocks from the apartment building. $3 for a giant roll of kimbap (sort of like sushi), a bowl of soup and kimchi. I see myself eating there a lot. After that, we had a couple of drinks and played cards, and then Daniel and Helen went out, but the jet lag was beating me by that time so I just went to bed. I'm happy to say that I slept 7 hours straight, a vast improvement from the night before.
Saturday, I woke up, showered, and headed out to the grocery store. I took a little detour on the way to explore the neighborhood a little more. There are coffee shops, bars, restaurants, and few shops. I picked up some essentials at the store and then went home and SCRUBBED this apartment, particularly the kitchen, from top to bottom. The guy who had it before me was pretty nasty (which is funny because I met him Thursday night, and he told me he had cleaned the place for me...right).
So then a little bit later, Helen came upstairs (she lives right below me) and asked if I wanted to join her and some people she knew from a different part of town at the Yuseong foot spa (this is part of the famous hot springs in Daejeon). I said sure, of course, and we headed across town. Taxis are so cheap here. Anyway, the spa was this large rock hot tub type thing where you rinse your feet, get in and sit on the ledge with your feet in the water for as long as you want. And it's free. So I met a few other foreigners. After the spa, we went to eat dak galbi (a sort of spicy chicken stew) and Korean man in the restaurant bought us all Cokes. Korean people are generally very friendly and often fascinated by us waygooks (foreigners).
By this time, my new friends had learned that I have a CostCo card and wanted to accompany me there, where I was headed, to buy sheets. So we got on the subway (my first subway adventure in Daejeon) and made our way there. We weren't exactly sure where it was from the subway stop, so a Korean man led us there, which was really nice of him. I got some desperately needed bedding (last night was MUCH more comfortable), a giant block of cheese and some Hormel ham. Then, since Helen and I were pretty much back in our neighborhood, we headed home.
A little while later, Daniel, Helen, their friend Mark and I went to dinner at an all you can eat Korean barbecue place. So delicious. I had missed it. The boys probably ate an entire pig. I got full after a few rounds.
After dinner, I called it a night. I think I was asleep before 10 p.m., and despite waking up for just a little while around 3 a.m., I was able to go back to sleep and stay asleep until about 8:15. Progress! Today, I plan on walking around a bit more to continue getting my bearings. Anyway, that's all for now. I'm just pretty relieved things have gone so well so far.
It's been a whirlwind of a few days. It's hard to believe that it's only my third full day here. Friday was a little difficult, mainly because of the jet lag, but other than that, it was good. Matthew, the head English teacher, walked me to the school that morning, and as soon as we walked into the teachers' room and he introduced me to Kelly, the director, she hugged me and I instantly liked her and knew it was all going to be okay. I met the rest of the teachers: Istelle and Tania from South Africa, Daniel from Mississippi, Helen and Pierre from England, and many Korean teachers, all of whom were friendly. It's nice because the foreign and Korean teachers really seem to get along and work well together, which wasn't the case at my old school (although I'm going to try really hard not to compare the two all the time, at least not publicly). My co-teacher's name is Sarah as well, and she was very nice and helpful.
They feed us free lunch at the school, which is really nice, and the building that houses the school also contains our bank, a gym, a swimming pool, a deli, and there are other shops, a fruit stand and some other things on the same corner. The schedule seems good too. The classes are 40 minutes, and we each teach many classes but have several breaks throughout the day. That's really all I know at this point. Tomorrow, I begin teaching and I have to go get my health check to get the process of getting my alien card started. Once I have the card, I can get a bank account and a cell phone.
So anyway, so far, so good at work.
Friday night, Daniel and Helen showed me around the neighborhood a bit: grocery stores, restaurants, etc. We ate kimbap at a place a couple of blocks from the apartment building. $3 for a giant roll of kimbap (sort of like sushi), a bowl of soup and kimchi. I see myself eating there a lot. After that, we had a couple of drinks and played cards, and then Daniel and Helen went out, but the jet lag was beating me by that time so I just went to bed. I'm happy to say that I slept 7 hours straight, a vast improvement from the night before.
Saturday, I woke up, showered, and headed out to the grocery store. I took a little detour on the way to explore the neighborhood a little more. There are coffee shops, bars, restaurants, and few shops. I picked up some essentials at the store and then went home and SCRUBBED this apartment, particularly the kitchen, from top to bottom. The guy who had it before me was pretty nasty (which is funny because I met him Thursday night, and he told me he had cleaned the place for me...right).
So then a little bit later, Helen came upstairs (she lives right below me) and asked if I wanted to join her and some people she knew from a different part of town at the Yuseong foot spa (this is part of the famous hot springs in Daejeon). I said sure, of course, and we headed across town. Taxis are so cheap here. Anyway, the spa was this large rock hot tub type thing where you rinse your feet, get in and sit on the ledge with your feet in the water for as long as you want. And it's free. So I met a few other foreigners. After the spa, we went to eat dak galbi (a sort of spicy chicken stew) and Korean man in the restaurant bought us all Cokes. Korean people are generally very friendly and often fascinated by us waygooks (foreigners).
By this time, my new friends had learned that I have a CostCo card and wanted to accompany me there, where I was headed, to buy sheets. So we got on the subway (my first subway adventure in Daejeon) and made our way there. We weren't exactly sure where it was from the subway stop, so a Korean man led us there, which was really nice of him. I got some desperately needed bedding (last night was MUCH more comfortable), a giant block of cheese and some Hormel ham. Then, since Helen and I were pretty much back in our neighborhood, we headed home.
A little while later, Daniel, Helen, their friend Mark and I went to dinner at an all you can eat Korean barbecue place. So delicious. I had missed it. The boys probably ate an entire pig. I got full after a few rounds.
After dinner, I called it a night. I think I was asleep before 10 p.m., and despite waking up for just a little while around 3 a.m., I was able to go back to sleep and stay asleep until about 8:15. Progress! Today, I plan on walking around a bit more to continue getting my bearings. Anyway, that's all for now. I'm just pretty relieved things have gone so well so far.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
the jet lag talking
I quite literally wept from the moment my parents left me at security in Dallas until I went to bed in my new apartment in Daejeon.
This was not a continuous cry. It was pretty steady from Dallas to Denver, relapsed between Denver and San Francisco, and I fought it between San Francisco and Seoul because I was sitting between two really nice people - a Korean girl and another American English teacher - and I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel weird.
Once I was safely alone in my apartment, I had another bawl fest. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. One, moving across the world is a stressful experience, no matter how many times you do it. Two, I like to act like I'm Miss Jetsetter, Miss Independent, but I'm really a big Mama's girl. Picturing my parents and the family dog has been enough to set me off again all day. I miss them so much. Three, coming back to Korea is causing a whole lot of mixed emotions associated with my previous experience here to resurface. Do I think I made a mistake by coming back? No. But I am reliving the fear, the anxiety, the loneliness, the homesickness that I felt last time, and that ultimately broke me. I am much stronger now, but it's possible that I never really dealt with some of those issues before and physically being here is forcing me to. This is probably good in the long run. Four, I'm freaking exhausted. It's 3 a.m. here (noon in Texas), and I am wide awake. I expected I would wake up about now, but I really only slept from like 11 to 12:45 or something! I know I was/am way more tired than that. I'll probably be a zombie tomorrow, but I just can't sleep right now.
The positives: I'm also remembering all the things I liked about Korea too. It's nice to be somewhere where the people are so friendly and helpful, everything is within walking distance, and you typically have a lot in common with the other foreigners. Also, amid all my anxiety about work and being back in the classroom and everything else, I keep having these bursts where I feel like it's going to be okay. Where I feel confident and open-minded and just...ready for it.
The bottom line is that although this is not a perfect situation (what is?), and I will no doubt curse my decision to be here on occasion, I need to do this to prove to myself that I can. A year is short, but it's also long. And I'm scared, excited, nervous, sad, and happy all at once to be starting on this journey. I look forward to reading this again in 12 months and seeing how I've changed. (In this moment, I also look forward to my parents greeting me at DFW Airport in 12 months. Home sweet home. But that's just the homesickness/culture shock/jet lag talking.)
This was not a continuous cry. It was pretty steady from Dallas to Denver, relapsed between Denver and San Francisco, and I fought it between San Francisco and Seoul because I was sitting between two really nice people - a Korean girl and another American English teacher - and I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel weird.
Once I was safely alone in my apartment, I had another bawl fest. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. One, moving across the world is a stressful experience, no matter how many times you do it. Two, I like to act like I'm Miss Jetsetter, Miss Independent, but I'm really a big Mama's girl. Picturing my parents and the family dog has been enough to set me off again all day. I miss them so much. Three, coming back to Korea is causing a whole lot of mixed emotions associated with my previous experience here to resurface. Do I think I made a mistake by coming back? No. But I am reliving the fear, the anxiety, the loneliness, the homesickness that I felt last time, and that ultimately broke me. I am much stronger now, but it's possible that I never really dealt with some of those issues before and physically being here is forcing me to. This is probably good in the long run. Four, I'm freaking exhausted. It's 3 a.m. here (noon in Texas), and I am wide awake. I expected I would wake up about now, but I really only slept from like 11 to 12:45 or something! I know I was/am way more tired than that. I'll probably be a zombie tomorrow, but I just can't sleep right now.
The positives: I'm also remembering all the things I liked about Korea too. It's nice to be somewhere where the people are so friendly and helpful, everything is within walking distance, and you typically have a lot in common with the other foreigners. Also, amid all my anxiety about work and being back in the classroom and everything else, I keep having these bursts where I feel like it's going to be okay. Where I feel confident and open-minded and just...ready for it.
The bottom line is that although this is not a perfect situation (what is?), and I will no doubt curse my decision to be here on occasion, I need to do this to prove to myself that I can. A year is short, but it's also long. And I'm scared, excited, nervous, sad, and happy all at once to be starting on this journey. I look forward to reading this again in 12 months and seeing how I've changed. (In this moment, I also look forward to my parents greeting me at DFW Airport in 12 months. Home sweet home. But that's just the homesickness/culture shock/jet lag talking.)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Take your time, and don't do anything crazy
As my departure date creeps ever closer, I find my mind won't stop whirling.
What if I don't catch the bus (from the airport to my city)? What if one of my flights gets delayed and I miss the next one? There's all these things I'll need/want to take care of when I get there. Groceries, cell phone, gym membership, Korean lessons, metro card, stuff for my apartment. I'll be getting to know my new co-workers, students, class schedule. I'll be remembering how to be a teacher. I'll be remembering what it's like to work full time.
I look toward all of these things with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. Truth be told, underneath all the nervousness and dread of the adjustment period, I am super stoked about my life in Korea. There are so many things I want to do this time, so many ways for me to keep a positive attitude and make the most of this experience. To combat my usual impulsiveness/feeling that everything has to happen RIGHT NOW (is there a word for that?), I have already begun repeating this mantra to myself: "Take your time, and don't do anything crazy." The opposite of this has gotten me into trouble many times, and honestly, there will be plenty of time. I don't get into the April Korean class at the International Community Center? Fine, I'll hold out till July. I don't get my gym membership in the first week? No sweat (pun intended), I can do it when I have a little more time and get my bearings. I don't have all of my vacations booked like all my other friends in Korea? I'm not going anywhere out of the country for a few months at least anyway.
There is a very real homesick hump, and it takes about three months to get over it (although I'm hoping this one will be a little shorter since I do have a leg up on Korea already). Before, I didn't realize this until I was over the hump and I had already made the plans to come home. It will take a little time to get back into the teaching groove, get back into the being a foreigner groove, make friends, feel like I know what I'm doing in day to day life, etc. This will be a bit of a challenge, in which I must remember to take my time and not do anything crazy. No secret tickets back to the states will be booked. I will not choose to Skype with my friends at home over connecting with people in Korea (not saying I won't keep in touch, just that I won't shut myself off from life in Korea), and I will remember that I am lucky to have the freedom to be doing this and that I am not tied down.
The other thoughts that are swirling in my head center around what my post-Korea plans are. I really, strongly, after much thought and consideration of many things, think I want to get my Master's in Library Science. Even after listening to a lot of, "well, that sounds boring," and "why do you want to do that?" (you should know that I've more than once been swayed by other people's opinions), I keep coming back to it, and the fact of the matter is, I don't think it sounds boring. And what's more, and quite a feat for someone as fickle as me, I know why I want to do it. I know several librarians, I've spent a lot of time in libraries (the tutoring center where I worked for 2.5 years was located in a library), and I really think I will make a very good, very happy librarian someday. After I save up enough money to pay for the degree.
So, as I look into all of this, what my options are as far as the different programs out there, I start to stress about it. Like, these details that I wouldn't need to figure out for at least a year, probably farther into the future than that. Housing, assistantships, etc. Now is a good time to take my time and not do anything crazy. A couple of hours ago I was all ready to apply for an online program, thinking I could save money by doing it WHILE in Korea. Um, get real, Sarah. You are not going to have any time for GRAD school while you are working your ass off in Korea. That is a TERRIBLE idea. But really, I am obsessing over these details because I am in the waiting stage now, where it's too early to pack, so there's nothing for me to physically DO to get ready for Korea, I'm not there yet so I can't take care of any of the stuff I mentioned earlier, yet I know that two weeks from right now I will be there. Obsessing over stuff that's not going to happen for at least a year takes my mind off what's happening very, very soon. And makes me feel sort of productive, like I'm taking control of my destiny or something. Haha. All I'm actually doing is making my shoulders feel tense.
But all anxious feelings and avoidance mechanisms aside, I am glad that this time around, I am leaving at a good place physically, emotionally and mentally. I know I will be tested, but to compare it to last time, I was a mess. I went to Korea thinking I would fix myself there, that everything would be ok in a new environment, but your problems follow you all over the world. In fact, they are magnified in foreign countries. So, this time, I leave with a 1,000% more sense of who I am and what I can accomplish. And that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does, because they have their journeys, and this is mine.
What if I don't catch the bus (from the airport to my city)? What if one of my flights gets delayed and I miss the next one? There's all these things I'll need/want to take care of when I get there. Groceries, cell phone, gym membership, Korean lessons, metro card, stuff for my apartment. I'll be getting to know my new co-workers, students, class schedule. I'll be remembering how to be a teacher. I'll be remembering what it's like to work full time.
I look toward all of these things with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. Truth be told, underneath all the nervousness and dread of the adjustment period, I am super stoked about my life in Korea. There are so many things I want to do this time, so many ways for me to keep a positive attitude and make the most of this experience. To combat my usual impulsiveness/feeling that everything has to happen RIGHT NOW (is there a word for that?), I have already begun repeating this mantra to myself: "Take your time, and don't do anything crazy." The opposite of this has gotten me into trouble many times, and honestly, there will be plenty of time. I don't get into the April Korean class at the International Community Center? Fine, I'll hold out till July. I don't get my gym membership in the first week? No sweat (pun intended), I can do it when I have a little more time and get my bearings. I don't have all of my vacations booked like all my other friends in Korea? I'm not going anywhere out of the country for a few months at least anyway.
There is a very real homesick hump, and it takes about three months to get over it (although I'm hoping this one will be a little shorter since I do have a leg up on Korea already). Before, I didn't realize this until I was over the hump and I had already made the plans to come home. It will take a little time to get back into the teaching groove, get back into the being a foreigner groove, make friends, feel like I know what I'm doing in day to day life, etc. This will be a bit of a challenge, in which I must remember to take my time and not do anything crazy. No secret tickets back to the states will be booked. I will not choose to Skype with my friends at home over connecting with people in Korea (not saying I won't keep in touch, just that I won't shut myself off from life in Korea), and I will remember that I am lucky to have the freedom to be doing this and that I am not tied down.
The other thoughts that are swirling in my head center around what my post-Korea plans are. I really, strongly, after much thought and consideration of many things, think I want to get my Master's in Library Science. Even after listening to a lot of, "well, that sounds boring," and "why do you want to do that?" (you should know that I've more than once been swayed by other people's opinions), I keep coming back to it, and the fact of the matter is, I don't think it sounds boring. And what's more, and quite a feat for someone as fickle as me, I know why I want to do it. I know several librarians, I've spent a lot of time in libraries (the tutoring center where I worked for 2.5 years was located in a library), and I really think I will make a very good, very happy librarian someday. After I save up enough money to pay for the degree.
So, as I look into all of this, what my options are as far as the different programs out there, I start to stress about it. Like, these details that I wouldn't need to figure out for at least a year, probably farther into the future than that. Housing, assistantships, etc. Now is a good time to take my time and not do anything crazy. A couple of hours ago I was all ready to apply for an online program, thinking I could save money by doing it WHILE in Korea. Um, get real, Sarah. You are not going to have any time for GRAD school while you are working your ass off in Korea. That is a TERRIBLE idea. But really, I am obsessing over these details because I am in the waiting stage now, where it's too early to pack, so there's nothing for me to physically DO to get ready for Korea, I'm not there yet so I can't take care of any of the stuff I mentioned earlier, yet I know that two weeks from right now I will be there. Obsessing over stuff that's not going to happen for at least a year takes my mind off what's happening very, very soon. And makes me feel sort of productive, like I'm taking control of my destiny or something. Haha. All I'm actually doing is making my shoulders feel tense.
But all anxious feelings and avoidance mechanisms aside, I am glad that this time around, I am leaving at a good place physically, emotionally and mentally. I know I will be tested, but to compare it to last time, I was a mess. I went to Korea thinking I would fix myself there, that everything would be ok in a new environment, but your problems follow you all over the world. In fact, they are magnified in foreign countries. So, this time, I leave with a 1,000% more sense of who I am and what I can accomplish. And that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does, because they have their journeys, and this is mine.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Remembering me: An account of my trip to NYC
I feel I've had something of an awakening the past few days, when I was in New York City. Or maybe a re-awakening is a more accurate description.
It was my first time in NYC, of course, (a place I have always wanted to go), but I have been to other big, densely populated cities before. Paris, Boston, Prague, Seoul, Beijing. I hadn't been to one in a little over 2 years, though, so it was kind of like over time, I had forgotten what they were like and how to function in one. I am a very independent person, and I don't have any problem exploring by myself, taking (and figuring out) public transportation by myself, eating by myself, etc. Even so, I have been living in Texas (rural Texas at that, save for a few months in Houston and San Antonio, which is still a completely different urban experience because everybody drives) for a couple of years and only left it to go to Georgia for a weekend since I came back from Korea in January 2010. So, I was a little nervous about wandering around NYC by myself. Of course, I only had to do that for about a day and half -- the other times, my dear friend Jacob was my tour guide.
At first, I was a little freaked out and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, like all these New Yorkers were so much worldlier than me, and I was this country bumpkin who couldn't keep up with the fast pace of the city. I'm happy to say that it didn't take long to recall my street smarts. This was the first part of my re-awakening. Remembering what it was like to be in that environment. Remembering how to function in an unfamiliar setting. Remembering how to get my bearings and survive and figure out how to get where I needed to go and do what I needed to do. I think it was a good warm-up for Korea, since I am about to switch back into travel mode/survival mode/adaptation mode. I guess I had put all of those skills out of my head since being back in the states because I didn't need them (or think I needed them) and it hurt too much to think about myself in that life, where I felt like I had failed. I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to return to it, that I would be stuck in Texas, as kind of an oddball, forever. Which leads me to....
....Part 2 of the awakening. This part deals more with plans for after Korea, which are all very tentative right now, as they should be, because I know that Korea Round 2 will change me. However, whatever I choose to do specifically at that time will involve moving to a new place in the U.S. I have wanted that deeply for so long, and I've never quite gotten there. I've never let myself do it -- out of fear, out of not having the means, or, well, mainly it's the fear. And lack of trusting myself not to fuck it up and end up broke at my parents' house 6 months later. But going to New York reminded me how much I really want to try a different area of the states. I love Texas, as my home state, as a place I can always come back to, as a place of my roots, but I don't think I belong here as a permanent fixture. Maybe it will be New York, maybe it will be Boston, maybe it will even be the west coast, but when I come back from Korea this time, I will have the means and the courage to try a new area. And hopefully, by that time, I'll have a little more career direction.
All I can say is, despite the hardships, which I have let break me in the past, when I am in a place that is urban and diverse, I feel more like myself than in any other setting. I had forgotten that. I won't let that happen again. And now that I know I have the ability to be broken, I can be prepared for that.
In other news, the trip to New York was really fantastic in other ways, too. Doing all of the touristy stuff was really fun. Seeing a Broadway show starring Silas from Weeds (!) was a highlight, as was Central Park, Rockefeller Center, etc. I was definitely a little starstruck. It was a truly phenomenal long weekend. You know how you anticipate something for so long, it can never meet your expectations? Well, this trip completely EXCEEDED my expectations. It was pretty much everything I imagined and more. How often can you say that about anything?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The old familiar pain
It's funny how you can make a life somewhere without meaning to. You'd think by now, this wouldn't surprise me.
But I'm actually really sad/emotional about leaving the Woodlands. I mean, it has been my home for eight months. A significant amount of time, in my book. Ive really enjoyed certain things about it, mainly the Y, the bike trails, the trees (never thought I'd say that since I'm a wide open spaces girl), and most of all, my family.
Leaving my aunt's house just now knowing I won't see her or her family for at least 14 months was heart wrenching. She has been one of my best friends during my time here. It hurts so much knowing you'll have to miss people. The anticipation of missing them is almost worse. I thought it would be easier this time around, but surprise! It isn't.
Tomorrow, I will see my best friend for the last time in again, at least 14 months. She is having a baby in may, and it hurts to know that I won' be here for such a big event in her life. That we won't
Be part of each other's daily lives anymore. That's what hurts the most about leaving everyone. That we'll just be keeping in touch, not hanging out regularly and being present.
Last week, I was invited to join a swim team at the Y where I work out, and I was flattered, but I had to say no because I'm leaving. It stung a little bit, knowing that I could actually be a part of something here, but it was too late. That's sort of what I meant about making a life without realizing it. I need to remember that for the future though, that sometimes it just takes awhile to find your niche.
As hard as all of this is right now, I do still know that I am doing the right thing. There's no way any of this could be more than temporary. I can't live with my grandmother forever. Sooner or later, I have to rejoin people of my own demographic. And, perhaps most importantly, I have to get some sort of direction. Purpose. A channel in which to get somewhere. I believe I am on my way to doing that.
And maybe even more important than that, I have to allow myself to be brave. I have some shit to prove to myself, and I intend to see that through.
But this part is still painful.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Amendment to the Album List Below:
I didn't realize William Fitzsimmons' "Gold in the Shadow" came out in 2011. So I would like to move it to my #6 album of the year, pushing back my last three albums. If you haven't heard of Willy Fitz, he is beautiful. Just beautiful. Rather mellow, though. So if you're not into that, you won't like him. But he is great. He is a psychotherapist turned musician, so his lyrics are sad and interesting. Just how I like it.
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