waiting for it to pass

Reading a new blog has finally inspired me to write a new one of my own.

You know that saying "wherever you go, there you are?" I'm so there.

It's not that I came here to run away from something or because I thought my life would magically change. Neither one of those things is true.

I just feel like all of my B.S., all of my insecurities, and all of my self destructive tendencies are rearing their ugly heads at the moment. I realize that this will always happen. Nobody's perfect, and everyone has their issues. I just hate feeling out of control and like I have nothing to hold onto.

First of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this city. And more than that, I've met some really awesome people here, some of whom I will probably always keep in touch with. But I still feel really alone. It's kind of a normal thing for me, and something that I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to shake. And in a way, I don't know if I'd want to. I don't know if I could deal with other people's bullshit too. I like to be around people, but it takes a lot for me to really be close to them. Despite that, I get really attached to friends really fast. Weird.

Anyway, so I'm hearing these rumors about Americans being deported from the Czech Republic because they're being denied visas. Scary! Although it would be kind of a cool story to say you got deported from somewhere, I don't know what is happening. I feel like I may end up in Taiwan soon. Which is okay. I think it looks totally cool. I just kind of wanted to stay here for awhile--maybe six or nine months. Sure, I'll break a couple of contracts by doing that, but I don't think anything severe happens to you for doing that. I don't think anything severe happens to you for much in the Czech Republic. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. But I still love it.

My current fears include:

• not finding a job
• getting deported and not being able to afford a plane ticket out
• not being able to pay for my apartment
• not having any friends (I know that one's irrational, but everything just feels so precarious right now)
• that I'm going to be a bad teacher, or I'm going to hate it
  

Sorry this post isn't more positive. I just had to get that stuff off my chest. I've been feeling a little existential lately. But I think it will pass. I don't even know if this blog makes sense to anyone but me. Haha. Look for more optimistic posts in the near future.

Jane Austen or Emma?

Today, I judged a book by its cover.

There is a young, semi-cute (in an unconventional way, but I'd date him) basketball coach at the middle school where my mom works. I work the clock at some of the games. Today, I was early, and I read while I waited. I always keep a book in my purse.

The coach walked by the table where I was sitting and said, "Whatcha reading?" I stopped and turned the book so that he could see the cover. He looked, read "Jane Austen" off of it, kind of nodded, and went on his way. I said something like, "yep," and continued reading.

I jumped to two conclusions. One, that he didn't know who Jane Austen, anything about her, and had probably never heard of the book I was reading, which was Emma (in fact, because Jane Austen's name was in bigger print than the title Emma on my book, I assumed that he thought "Jane Austen" was the title of the book). And two, that he didn't really care what I was reading, was just making mindless conversation, and thought I was a geek for carrying a book around with me and reading it when I had a few minutes to kill.

Later, after I got home, my mom asked me who the coaches were. I described this one to her, not knowing his name, and she said, "Oh, he's a seventh grade English teacher." I felt like a fool and a hypocrite. I assumed, because this guy is a basketball coach (and maybe a little bit because of where he works), that he would not be interested in books. Come to find out, he was probably genuinely interested in what I was reading simply because he's interested in books and reading. I myself am into both sports and reading, but I assumed that no one else would be.

I must learn not to be such a judgmental idiot. If I had been more open-minded (and the kicker is that I tend to think of myself as a really open-minded person) and just...friendlier to the guy, I might have at least gotten a literary friend out of the conversation (I don't know if he's married...I suppose I could've gotten a date also if he's single). I don't have very many friends here that I can talk to on that level.

I need to work on being friendlier to new people in general. The problem is that I'm scared around them (that I'll make a fool out of myself somehow), so I just tell myself that I don't want to meet them and I don't open up. I need to get over that. I have nothing to lose when I meet people.

Damn.

2009, baby!

I thought about making a list of things I want to do in 2009, but I'm not going to. It's true that sometimes benchmarks like new years, new semesters, changes of scene, etc. can help people make changes. But really, what are our excuses during the rest of the year? If you want something to change, make it happen.

That said, I just know that 2009 is going to be a fantastic year for me.

I've decided to stop planning past my next move. My next move is go to Prague and teach. I don't know how long I'll be gone, and I'm not going to pretend to decide right now. I don't know if I'll go somewhere else before I come back to the states. I don't know where I'll go when I do come back to the states. And that's ok. I could say that I have a plan (and I'm not going to lie, I do have a few ideas), but what would be the point? It would all change. A year ago, I thought that right now I'd be getting ready to graduate with my Master's and looking for a job teaching writing somewhere in Texas. I may still want to do those things at some point, but I've got other things on my mind now. I'm just going to continue to do what feels right until it doesn't feel right anymore. That's the only way I know how to live. It's worked so far.

I do have a couple of goals, that I am stating now, and they may be related to the new year (I'll admit, it does sort of feel like getting rid of unwanted baggage...I have taken steps toward that already), but they don't have to be! Okay, here they are (and they are all related to things that make me happy, which is key):

• exercise almost everyday, but don't be a Nazi about it, because that leads to major burnout
• write SOMETHING everyday...it doesn't have to win a Pulitzer prize (and this blog counts)
• have more fun!! (that always applies...to anything)
• and the last one is specifically geared toward my last few weeks of subbing: don't sweat it. just get through it and don't stress

My major fears right now are that I'll run out of money in Prague before I get a paycheck, that the people in my class over there won't like me/I won't make any friends in Prague period, and that my flight will be delayed. Oh, and that my luggage will be lost.

I was going to make a list of things that annoy me. On it was going to be my parents, the town of Granbury, public schools/schoolteachers, and kids. I don't really feel like discussing that further right now. I have TV to watch. But I'm not stressing. Because it's 2009. Finally.

stuck between the past and the future

I haven't written in awhile. I'm not happy about that.

Today, a few things happened simultaneously.

One of my mom's teacher friends gave me a magazine article about Americans living in Prague. It was very enlightening, and got me VERY revved up about my adventure.

This caused me to look up a bunch of stuff about Prague, the Czech Republic, and Europe in general on the internet at work this afternoon. Which made me even MORE excited. I don't think I could've picked a place more suited for me. And it was totally by accident, because when I signed up for this, I just wanted to go somewhere. I didn't care where, as long as it was far away and exotic. It took me this long to get any real information, besides people telling me what a great, beautiful city Prague is (which isn't even real info), and it didn't even occur to me to do so without someone else randomly giving me a magazine article.

I can't believe I didn't even look at pictures of Prague until today. By the way, they are stunning.

I know it'll be hard in addition to all the amazing. Starting in a new place always is. Being a real resident of any place (not just a tourist) always is. But I'm ready for the challenge. I know this is right.

There are moments for me, when I just know I'm making the right or wrong decision (when it's the wrong decision, the right one is usually not far behind). Or when I absolutely know, without a doubt, what I have to do next. Like I don't have a choice. Call it intuition, call it whatever you want. But it's real. And I'm finally learning to trust it. This quality is what's led me on this totally bizarre path I've called my life. I don't know if that made sense.

The other thing that happened today was that I got an email from someone who's going to be in my class in Prague. It had email addresses of all the other students on it too, so I guess a contact info email was sent out that I didn't get. But Michael (the one who sent the email) and I are facebook friends now. And I can tell that we're going to be friends. I haven't heard from the other 4 people, but I do know that there are 6 people total in my class, 3 guys and 3 girls. They are real people now.

I guess that's really what today boils down to. This is all becoming REAL now. 8 weeks, and my next chapter will begin. The most drastic one so far. I cannot WAIT!!! I'm so excited I don't know how I'm going to make it. And yes, it's becoming real, but I almost still don't believe it.

There are also moments for me, in my strange yet familiar sabbatical in Granbury, when I am reminded of the big world out there beyond Hood County. I cling to those moments. Katie's wedding weekend and bachelorette party were, ACL was one, this weekend (I hope) will be one also. Moments when I get to see friends who either moved on from this place or didn't come from it to begin with. I'm reminded that I had another life, too. And that I will have more. I don't have to be the same person I was here, the person everybody remembers me as. I don't have to be the censored version of myself (I couldn't think of a better way to say that). I'm reminded that I moved on.

I am so looking forward to being myself, my whole self, again. And maybe more so than ever before.

Of course, my roots are always in Texas. And that's a part of me. But I'm not sure I really belong here. I guess I'll finally get to find out.

If anyone reads this, remind me to post my most recent sub fiasco soon. :)

The Battle of the Exes

Before I start, I just want to put a disclaimer on this and say that at least part of it is probably due to PMS.

I've had an ugly resurfacing of the exes, one in particular, lately. It started with thinking about the most recent one, for no reason, and then I thought about one from a couple of years ago and I just missed him for no reason. But then, I had a real encounter with the most significant ex from the longest ago.

Last weekend, I went to a party at my ex-boyfriend's cousin's house. I went with a mutual friend. I was told that my ex wouldn't be there, and I decided that even if he was (with his fiance no less), it wouldn't be a big deal.

He had left right before we got there. That wasn't the issue. The problem was that his cousin (and one of his best friends) and I got to catching up and talking about old times. It was a lot of fun, and really good to see him. Too good. We had spent a lot of time together ourselves back then, so being at his house (which is incidentally on the same land as the ex's house) brought back all those memories and in, or at least close to, the place where they happened. It was like going back in time five years, but not. Totally weird.

I think, at least I told myself, that it's not him I missed. It was the fun we all used to have, and the feelings that I had back then and haven't really had since. He was the only relationship I've had where "I love you" was spoken out loud (and consequently the only guy whom I know has loved me). I tend to just expect that no one feels that way about me and I'm not capable of attracting real relationships. He was the exception. And therefore, he has a part of me that I will never get back.

That being said, I've come LIGHTYEARS from where I was when he broke up with me. I will never, ever, ever, ever again (though I have since, but I'm in an even better place now) make a decision because of a guy. I don't want/need to be in a relationship right now (I usually don't believe people when they say that...but other people tend to date more than I do). I don't depend on it like some of my friends do. I have me, and that's enough. It may always be enough. If I do get married someday, or even have another real relationship, the guy will not be in control. He will not define me. I'm bigger than that. I'm bigger than the ex I've been talking about, and that's why we didn't work out. It hurt, and it still stings at times, like when I run into him*, but men are no longer a consideration in my life. I'm not letting myself be oppressed anymore.

I think I've forgiven him. It's hard to say. I find it hard to let go of people, and I find it hard to really hate them or hold grudges. I just can't forget about who they were to me while I loved them. And I can't stop loving that part of them. I can hate what they did to me and hate who they've become, but I can't hate the part of them that stays with me. That also makes them hard to get over, but I think it keeps even cynical old me human (I'm a lot softer than I come across).

The way I get over people is to stop them from existing in my world. Well, the world. I just go on, and to me, they don't. Which also makes it hard when I see them or something to do with them happens unexpectedly (like reminiscing with old mutual friends....makes real what hasn't seemed that way for awhile) because then I see that they DO exist, and they HAVE moved on. But I have to remember that I've moved on too. I just feel sort of like once I've given my love to somebody, they have it. I'm not going to take it back. And none of them seem to care. Or to feel the same connection to me. I'm going back to pretending they don't exist. It's the only way I know. It's not that I want to be with these people anymore--I don't. I just wish people could be more caring/compassionate and realize that even though things end, they have meaning and significance even if they weren't everlasting. Most things, most important things, aren't everlasting.

*I think I left out an important part of the story. Tonight, my mom and I went to a restaurant in Fort Worth, and I saw the ex in the parking lot, which is really random, because he lives in Stephenville, and we live in Granbury, so the fact that we were in the same parking lot in totally different city was pretty weird. We didn't speak; he was on the phone, and I was talking to my mom (she didn't even see him), but our eyes locked. And it made me nauseous.

One more thing: I find it really ironic that I totally get along better with the cousin. We have a lot more in common, and he's really nice--not a total douchebag like the ex (I'm not the only one who says that about him...he's changed a lot). If the cousin didn't have a girlfriend, I'd be all over that. Haha.

So I have to quit the swim team. Practically, it's just as well because that's $70 I get to keep instead of spend each month until I leave. It basically comes down to that I don't want to pay the 2009 registration for just January. PLUS, if I quit before December, I don't have to participate in the mandatory fundraiser that will inevitably end up in me eating $50 for not doing it. That's $190 I can spend on something cool in Europe.

Even more than that, I won't have to spend 2 hours in the car 4-5 days a week. That's pretty exhausting, and while I will say that it's been worth it, it will still be a relief not to do it anymore. I can get used to running, doing more strength training, and doing yoga regularly, since that's how I'll probably be working out in Prague (unless I can find a pool I can go to cheaply--fingers crossed!). I went running today actually (since I ignored my sub calls this morning to preserve my sanity...ssshhh), and it was fabulous. I'm feeling really good right now, really positive and optimistic. I think I'll probably be more healthy all around in Europe, because Europeans are generally just healthier, and I'll be living that lifestyle--walking more, smaller portions, etc.

Anyway, despite all of these positives about quitting the team, there are some negatives too. I have made a lot of new friends and reconnected with some old ones on the team. It's been a great way to stay in shape, challenge myself, and just do something I love in an organized way. (By that I mean not having to just go to the pool and swim laps by myself like I did in Corpus). I even got to compete in a swim meet, which I hadn't done in 5 years, and I'm sad that I only got to do one since I joined. I'm so glad I did that one. I felt like I was getting really good, and now I'm going to have to stop. There's nowhere for me to swim on my own in Granbury. I'm not a member of the Y, where the only indoor pool is, and I'm not going to become one. At least it won't be very hard for me to get in running shape since I'm already in swimming shape.

But still, FAST is like home. It was in high school, and it is now, though in a very different way. When I quit the first time (to go to college), it killed a little part of me that came alive again in the past 5 months. Now, it will happen again, and I have to be prepared for that. Swimming on that team was something I've always dreamed about, from when I swam there the first time and didn't even know if I could do it, to missing it the whole time I was away. I just have to remember the positives and that I'm working toward another dream, one that requires sacrifice. And I hope that I will find something even a little bit like FAST in my new phase of life.

I'm going to enjoy my last 5 days of practice like I have never enjoyed swim practice before.

Horrors from the World of a Young Sub

I have to comment on my crazy day of substituting this week. You could argue that everyday as a sub is crazy in some way, but this one was bizarre--mostly because the crazies weren't the students. They were the other subs I had to work with that day. Because I was subbing for an aide, I was with other teachers all day long. Because I was subbing for an aide in the science department (this was at the high school) and all of the science teachers in the district were at a conference, I was with other subs all day. I should clarify that the majority of substitute teachers are retired people who do it to supplement their social security. Not to be ageist (sp?), but...well, you'll see.



Crazy Sub #1:



First of all, totally ineffective. Wait, no, first of all, he was late. If I was late, because I'm young and frequently mistaken for a STUDENT (not annoying at all!), I could never get away with that. But I digress. Totally ineffective. He would whistle at the students and tell them to be quiet, and they wouldn't even hear him. Now, here was a time when my usually annoying loud voice came in handy. I yelled over them, and that got their attention. Maybe that was why he decided that I needed to do his job for him for the rest of the day. But, um...PROBLEM! I was the aide. He was supposed to be in charge of the class, and I was their for support, particularly since I had to go to other classes in some periods. And if he wasn't capable of that, well, he shouldn't be subbing. I don't care how bad of shortage the district has. They should screen these people!



So, the class was supposed to take a test on balancing equations. It was all laid out what we were supposed to remind the students about before the test. Seems simple, right? Well, that totally threw this guy for a loop. He just decided that I should explain the test and what to do to them, and he would read his newspaper. That didn't bother me too much. I was there to help, and it gave me something to do. But then, the sub suspected someone of cheating. Instead of getting his lazy ass up to take care of it, he told me to go check and see. Someone needed a piece of paper, and he expected me to find him one. Like I knew where anything was in that classroom either. And it went on.



Some kid (who obviously was trying to get out of taking the test--he told me he didn't know how to do it and basically wasn't going to--I swear some of these kids are TRYING to get kicked out of school) asked if he could go to the office and call his mom. I don't know why. So does the sub who's supposed to be in charge decide? Of course not. He looks at me to decide for him. I didn't even hear what the kid had said, so I walked over to his desk and asked him what he wanted. He asked again if he could go call his mom (he hadn't started the test yet), and I just said, "You don't need to do that right now," and walked away. Seriously, how hard was that? Maybe I'm just a glutton for power, but hello, that's your job as a sub. I don't let them take advantage of me.



One more thing about this sub. I was in his room again at the end of the day, and a few minutes before the bell to go home, I picked up my stuff to leave. I was the aide, I wasn't doing anything, so I was going to return my sub folder to the office and go. I told the sub that I was going to go ahead and sneak out, and he just looked at me and said, "Oh, I was just going to ask you if I could do the same thing." Excuse me?? I just wanted to say, "You are the TEACHER for today. This is your class. I am not your slave. I am an aide who travels around. I'm not here so you don't have to do anything." And I got up to leave. He looked at me, surprised, and said, "You go, I'll stay." But I could tell he wanted me to offer to stay. Yeah, right. I don't let the students take advantage of me, and I wasn't going to let him, either. Now, just to clarify, had I been the teacher, or had it been my job to stay there, I would have. And, I explained to him what an aide does. So, if he couldn't grasp that concept, again, he shouldn't have been subbing.

Crazy Sub #2:

Do you ever have one of those moments where you're sitting somewhere and you're kind of happy to be alone? You don't know anyone around, and you don't feel like making small talk with a stranger. Well, that's how I felt at lunch on this day. I was sitting at the end of the long table in the teacher's lounge, away from the other teachers on purpose. I felt someone come up behind me, and I just knew she was going to sit next to me. She did, of course. She said, "how are you?" and I said good or fine, I don't remember. I may have asked her how she was, but I don't think I did. I didn't make any kind of effort to talk to her. I just sat there eating my lunch.

But of course, she forced me to talk to her. She asked me how long I'd been subbing. She'd been doing it about the same amount of time. She asked me what I was doing, as in with my life (I get this a LOT--I think it's because I'm so much younger than the other subs), so I begrudgingly told her about Prague and that I was taking a break from grad school. And what do you know, her brother is chair of the English department at the University of Houston. And of course, she could give me his email address! Wonderful. She told me that she just moved here to take care of her sick parents and that she was 52 (that will be important later). She asked if I was married, and I said no. At that point, I looked at her hands and noticed she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. We discovered that I would be assisting in her class the next period. Yippee. This lady was queen of TMI. Maybe I'm antisocial, but I'm just not comfortable opening up to people I've just met, unless we have some kind of immediate connection. This has happened very few times in my life, and it wasn't happening with her. I just wanted her to leave me alone. I guess I'm just someone it takes awhile to get to know.

Anyway, lunch ended, and I reluctantly went to this lady's class. It was a class I had subbed for the week before, and I was familiar with their assignment. Class was in the library, so the kids were working on the computers, and, aside from helping someone from time to time, there wasn't a lot for us to do but talk to each other. She continued to prattle on, and I continued to try to be polite while using non-welcoming body language.

Then, she gets out some sticky notes and tells me, "I'm writing down my email address and phone number." I thought she meant for the real teacher, and I immediately thought, Oh my God. She's really going to give me a play-by-play of EVERYTHING she does today. However, she continued, "so you can call or email me, and I'll take you out to lunch. I know the owners of Miyako (the Japanese restaurant in town), and they're really nice, fun guys. Good looking, in their 30s. I can set you up if you want. It would be nice to have someone to date before you leave. So we can sit at the sushi bar, drink wine, and hang out. I may be older than you, but I'm not an old fart."

I politely laughed and agreed insincerely, but she found it convincing. So this lady wants to hang out with me! I found it very weird. Then, I immediately felt bad for thinking mean thoughts about her when she was obviously so desperate for friends. And I analyzed for a second: would I have thought it was so weird if she was my age? I don't know, I might have. I probably still would've thought it was too forward, and again, I didn't feel any connection to her, I just felt like I was trying to be nice. You know, you get vibes from people. Vibes that immediately turn you off.

Then, the creepiest part came. She was showing me her new laptop, I guess because she thought it was really cool, and she asked me if I had a laptop to take to Prague with me. I said, yes, I did, and she asked me if it had a built in webcam with microphone, and I said yes, but I'd never used it. She said that hers did too, but she didn't know how to use it and she needed to figure it out. She added, "I was just thinking that would be nice, you know, for when you go overseas." Internally, my jaw dropped. Does she seriously mean so she and I can talk to each other while I'm in Prague??? Ok, now I wasn't thinking I was being too closed off, I was thinking this woman had definite social issues.

Luckily, I only had to be in her class for that one period. When I left, she was really disappointed and said that she was so glad to have met me and she really hoped I would call her. I didn't get it because I really didn't think I'd been that nice to her. Maybe I'm better at faking it than I thought, but anyone who knows me wouldn't believe that.

So now, I'm paranoid that I'm going to run into this woman at a school again, and she's going to ask me why I haven't called. To be honest, I really thought about calling or emailing. What could it hurt? It'd give me something to do, which, sometimes in this town, I am desperate for (but I am pretty good at occupying myself...perks of an only child). HOWEVER, I can tell this woman is a little off her rocker and besides that, a total space invader, which I don't do well with. Oh, well.

Substituting has taught me that I don't want to teach public school, mostly because of all the bullshit and the ridiculous ADULTS who work in them. There's some of that at colleges and universities too, of course, but it was so much better. My time as a sub is partly responsible for my decision to eventually go back to school. I'm too smart for this. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Bring it on.