When does it stop?

I have never wanted to go home as much as I do right now. I know it wouldn’t solve any of my problems. But I feel like I don’t know how to get better here. I can’t get any of the healthy foods I’m used to turning to (except for fruits and vegetables, of course). I don’t have anything to cook with but two burners, I don’t know how to talk to the people at the pool, I hate hate hate teaching. I like some, ok most, of my kids, but I don’t know if I can last a year. I honestly don’t. I want to. I want to finish, just for the sake of finishing. I want my parents to come visit me here. I want to like it. I want to look back on it as this amazing experience. But right now, I don’t know if I can.

Here’s what I’m scared of: I won’t be able to stop my self-destructive habits. I’ll just keep getting larger and larger. I’m already bigger than I ever thought I would let myself be. When does it stop? I’m also scared I won’t be careful enough with my money and I won’t save/I’ll have to ask my parents for help again. I’m 24 years old. When does it stop? I’m scared I’ll close myself off so much there’s no turning back.

Going overseas was supposed to change me for the better. It wasn’t supposed to waste two years of my life. It was supposed to move me forward. But right now, all I want is to be the person I was a year ago. If you told me that a year ago, I’d never have believed you. I just wish the person I was a year ago could’ve just let herself be happy at home. Because right now, that’s all I want.

I’m trying to remember what Amanda said: This will pass.

When does it stop?

bad foreign week

I think this has been the hardest week since I got here. Mostly the past couple of days. I think this might even be harder than the first week, but it's hard to say.

Today, to use a Terryism (from Prague), I had a "bad foreign day." Days when nothing goes right and you just want to go home and it's easy to blame it on the country. But it was more than that.

Last week, I felt like I was finally making friends and starting to fit in. This week, I couldn't feel farther from fitting in or less like I belong. I don't think these people really like me, or even know me. I don't know how to make them know me. I don't know if they even want to.

Also, last week and the week before, I felt like I was doing pretty well at the teaching thing. This week, I feel like a terrible teacher. I'm pretty sure the kids don't like me (which while not the most fun thing in the world, is kind of ok because I don't like a lot of them either). But it's still not easy to walk into a classroom knowing the kids aren't happy to see you. Plus, I feel like my bosses are all on my back again after they'd kind of left me alone for a couple of weeks. Thank God for Meejee and Ellie. They are the only ones who I feel like are really on my side. And they have to see my tears most of the time, which....I'm sorry for, for their sakes, but if someone has to see me cry, I'm glad it's them.

And then, of course, there's the Cost Co incident. So, yeah, I go there forgetting everything is GIGANTIC and that I have no efficient way of getting all that shit home. So, I fill up my cart anyway thinking I'll figure it out somehow. I get up to the register and come to find out, they don't take American debit cards (there's no money in my Korean acct. yet). So I have to have her unscan at least half of my shit while there's like 5 people behind me in line. THEN, I have to walk FOR.EV.ER. before I can find a cab that will pick me up (I had no idea where I was). I wanted my American cereal but I don't know if it's worth it! I've decided it's not. I'm not in America, so I can't expect to have American food all the time. Especially in bulk. What single person needs food in those quantities??

And now I need to address the internal change I've been feeling that has nothing to do with work or what I'm doing with my life or any of that. Let me preface this by saying that I like to party. I like to go out and do things, I enjoy nightlife, I even like to get crazy sometimes.

However. Example: tonight, I could have gone to at least two different bars where I know there would've been people I know. Hell, I don't even have a problem going to bars where I don't know anybody. But here's the issue: I didn't want to. And I haven't wanted to. With the exception of one or two nights since I've been here. It's more than being tired or not wanting to see the people I see for ten hours everyday. And it's not that I don't ever want to go to a bar again or do anything crazy.

It's that I've been on a roller coaster of crazy for over a year now, and I just want to get off for awhile. I need to create some sort of normal life for myself, even though I'm only going to be here for a year, so I can feel human again. So, even though I sort of am still waiting (which I am sooo utterly sick of), it doesn't feel like that's ALL I'm doing. I need to find a healthy balance between taking care of myself by eating right, respecting my body, getting rid of stress in a healthy way, doing things for myself like exercising, exploring, and writing, and having fun with friends. I don't really feel a need to go out every weekend because not only does it make me feel more out of control when I already don't feel in control, but I can go out anywhere in the world, and it's more or less same shit, different day. I don't really want to spend my year in Korea inside dark clubs and hung over in my bed.

I'm just over it. I think it's also that I did the whole drinking all the time/partying too much, etc. thing in Prague, and look where that got me. Two sizes bigger, unhappier, etc., etc. People keep telling me I'll get used to drinking all the time and going out all the time, but I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to be that person. And if that means alienating myself, I guess that's what I'll do. I have other things to worry about.

I'm going to focus on my health, and then maybe I can regain the balance I used to have when I was in grad school. Where did that go? What have I done to myself?

But I am going to stay and stick it out. It has crossed my mind to leave, but I am going to start finishing what I start.

Remembering Lucy

I've never cried this much over losing a pet. She was more than a pet to me. I just hope she didn't suffer. I can't bear that thought.

Lucy wasn't the smartest dog. She could be kind of selfish and manipulative. But she was my dog. And I loved her.

I just pulled a dress out of my closet that I haven't worn yet since I've been in Korea. It still has Lucy's hair on it. I look at it and think that she won't ever shed her hair all over my clothes again. She won't nuzzle up to me, or sit on my feet, or put her head in my lap, or lick my face. We won't play blanket. She won't stalk trucks when they drive by. I won't hold her when it storms. She won't keep me company when I'm home alone.

She was such a happy dog. All the time. Unless there was a thunderstorm. And she loved everybody. She made friends so easily. When I felt bad, I would hug her and she would lick my face. She loved to have her tummy scratched. I used to give her people food when no one was watching. We took naps together. It was one of our favorite hobbies. She would fall asleep and have doggie dreams. Sometimes she would run or growl in her sleep.

All of this can't even describe how I felt about her. And how much I miss her and I dread the thought of going home without her waiting for me. If there is a doggie heaven (and I have to believe there is), I know she's there playing and sleeping and eating milkbones. And having her butt scratched. She loved that too.

I just miss her. I know I'll probably get a dog when I go home next year, but right now I don't think any dog could mean as much to me. Rest in peace, Lucy. I won't forget you.

Korea revelations

I am currently sitting on a bench in the Daegu train station. Soon, Skot will be here.

I was really, really excited about the train trip this morning. I haven't been on a train in something like 7 years. And, I'm happy to say that it met my expectations. Beautiful scenery of the countryside and mountains.

I'm finally feeling like I'm starting to get into a rhythm here. Work is just ok, but I'm learning to just leave it at the office (well, school) and not stress or think about it (too much) when I'm not there. It's just a means to an end, after all. And I really like most of the kids. It's the bosses I'm not crazy about.

I'm finally making friends and getting out more to see stuff. It really is beautiful here. The ocean, the cliffs by the ocean, the mountains. I think next weekend I will try to go see my first temple. So I'm finally having a good time. Is it what I expected? No. In some ways, it's better, and in some ways, it's worse, but it's definitely manageable. And I'm looking forward to my non-work activities over the next year. I think I can stop counting down the days/weeks/months till I go home.

I'm also learning some very valuable things about myself. Like that I really don't want to be a teacher. And that it's really, really hard for me to be the new girl. I've never really been "the new girl" before. There's always been other new people with me before. So, this is a learning experience.

There are some things about Korea/Korean culture that really bug me. Like how slow they walk, the smell, the lack of personal space, the people who don't let you get out of the elevator/off the subway before they get on, etc. But generally, people are also really nice and really helpful, so it's a balance I guess.

I still really miss Prague sometimes, but I know living there isn't realistic for me. Hopefully, I can go back and visit someday. More than once. And I would like to see more of Europe. Eurorail around. Again, maybe someday. When I have a real job and vacation time.

But I definitely do feel like I'm finding out more about myself and where I'm going from here (not for the rest of my life, just from here, but that's great progress for me, and I don't believe in long term plans anyway). So I'm starting to feel better than I have in a really long time. Maybe even since I quit grad school, and that was 14 months ago.

the right path

Well, I finally feel like I'm on the right path again. Whatever that means. My path seems to have a lot more twists and turns in it than everybody else's.

But that's ok. The idea of monotony really scares me. More than striking out and flying to Korea by myself. Which is what I'm doing!

I'm still apprehensive about a few things like bank accounts, layovers, getting on the right bus, finding the grocery store (I worry about really specific things, haha), etc., I feel MUCH more at ease than I did a month ago. I guess feeling secure in your decision does that to you.

I also definitely feel like everything will be ok from here on out. Not that there won't be hard times in the future of course, but that I'm better equipped to deal with them. And hopefully I've made enough mistakes to know what not to do in the grand scheme of things (as in not set myself up for a bad situation later, i.e. moving back in with my parents AGAIN). I have some ideas for what I want to do at the end of my year contract, but none of them are set in stone, and there's no reason for me to really be worried about that right now, except for taking minor preparatory steps. There are a couple of things I am sure about:
1.) making the most of my time in Korea while saving maximum $
2.)I want a Master's degree
3.)This will probably not be the last time I go to work overseas

Anyway, that said, I'm done speculating for now. It's time to get on that plane and go with the flow.

The past couple of weeks have definitely been interesting. The week before last, the highlight of course was my birthday, but other than that, it was terrible. Total ennui. Ugh. So, since I was going to have to go anyway to get my visa, I decided to head down to Houston to see Katie and get a change of scenery. So, my weekend with Katie was fun, and then I headed to Gagi's.

I feel like I got myself back to a healthier place mentally and physically, plus I got my visa. When I was at the Consulate I realized by talking to the other Americans there how much you instantly bond with other people doing stuff like this. It gave me back that sense of belonging I've been missing since I left Prague.

Then, today, I got most of my packing done (which was quite the task), and I went to visit my Uncle Dennis and Aunt Susan (I don't know why I put the labels; I never use them. I think it's because I was the only grandchild for so long that I felt weird being the only one calling them aunt and uncle) in Dallas. It was great to see them and the kids, and it was nice having intelligent conversation with people who've had similar experiences to what I'm about to have. Again, that bond like what I felt at the Consulate was there. Susan gave me a cookbook designed for people living overseas (you can't get the same grocery items there), and I'm really excited about that too.

So, ready as I am to get going, leaving is kind of bittersweet. It's sad to leave my friends and family--I already miss them. But I know that I'm doing the right thing for me right now, and I know this experience is going to be phenomenal. This time, it's not leaving and planning to come back in a year to the same place and do the same thing. It's embarking on the rest of my life, filled with unknowns and the motivation to keep moving forward, welcoming new stages instead of running scared.

falling apart

I am so angry with myself. Why am I here again? AGAIN????

Everything wasn't supposed to fall apart. I was supposed to be getting a handle on things, finding myself or whatever. I feel like I've been on the verge of hyperventilating all day. I am so disappointed at how everything has turned out. It's taken me four months to admit that to myself. Prague wasn't supposed to be something I felt sad about. It was supposed to be this wonderful, challenging experience, and it was, but it was supposed to still be going on.

I feel empty, stupid, weak, and cheated. I want to go back more than anything. I feel like I BELONG there. I do belong there. And I was an idiot to leave so suddenly, without thinking it through. I was scared. And that's what it all boils down to. I'm a coward. What have I done? and why do I always do this? I run scared and then I want to come running back. Except to grad school. I don't really want to go back there even though I miss it sometimes. But seriously, how could I do something of this magnitude? This is my life. I can't keep just farting along, not doing anything.

I guess I really need to grieve. Or return. Grieve if I can't return. I had been looking forward to Prague for so long before I went and then it ended so abruptly, and here I am again at rock bottom only it's lower than it was before, that this really was a big loss. And I'm just now admitting this to myself.

Whatever. I need to go to bed.

half empty, half full

Negative thoughts I need to flush out of my system (because I am a positive person, damnit!):

• feeling fat
• the lack of close friends in this stupid town
  
• mourning the loss of my international travel plans/life in Prague
  
• trying to figure out how to balance my social life and being healthy/training
• the fear/dread of what the hell am I going to do if I don't have a job by August
  
• coming to terms with the possibility of staying in this area
  

Positive things I have going for me right now to counteract the above:

• I'm having a blast at Seals this summer...something I haven't had for a long time
• I'm working really hard at being healthy, learning a lot about nutrition, and loving it
• when all is said and done, I really do want to be a teacher
  
• moving out of my parents' house is on the horizon! 11 months is too long!
• going to grad school for a year was the best decision I'd ever made, and dropping out of it was an even better one...that doesn't really go with this list, but just a thought
  
• I literally have friends all over the world.