to bring my food journal or not to bring my food journal?

This is a more personal, potentially embarrassing post. It might even be boring if you don't reside in my head. I probably won't post the link to this one on Facebook. But apparently I have regular followers now anyway (I know this because of the pageview counter I put up), so I know some people will still read it. And that's fine.

The past few weeks, as I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I have been working hard on ol' number one. The physical part of this includes working out almost everyday, sometimes twice a day, and trying to be very vigilant about my nutrition. One of the secrets to my success is my food journal. I've tried food journals once or twice in the past, but I didn't really do them right. I didn't want to be totally honest with myself, so I would eat things and think, "that didn't count" and not write certain things down. It was a selective food journal, if you will (in case you don't know, a food journal is just what sounds like; you write down everything you eat each day so you can see how much/what you're actually eating).

This time is different. I'm not sure why, other than the mental and psychological changes I've discussed before. Anyway, I've been completely, brutally honest with myself in this journal, which is now in its third week, even when I slip up and snack a little harder than I should. I still write everything down. This is helpful because it forces me to think about what I'm going to eat before I eat it. If I want to pig out, I think, "I'm going to have to write that down," which I don't want to do because it makes me feel disgusting, and I control myself. It also helps with emotional eating, like I can tell when I'm really hungry and when I'm emotionally hungry and all that jazz. I could go on, but I won't.

So. Back to the point of this post. This weekend, I will be traveling to Austin for the Austin City Limits (ACL) music festival. I'm very excited about this; I haven't had a chance to just get out and do something purely for fun in awhile. I've already planned for the fact that ACL means I won't be working out for 3 days; I didn't take a day off from exercising this past week to sort of make up for it, since I knew I'd be getting a bigger break (although I will do plenty of walking, sweating, dancing at the festival, I'm sure). And I know my eating schedule will be different. There will be food booths and we may be eating at weird times and going for hours without eating. I'm sure many beers will be consumed throughout the weekend.

I'm excited to go and have fun, but I don't want the whole weekend to throw me off track or undo all the work I've been doing. I'm going to try to be extra aware of all these things. The big question, though, is do I bring my food journal? Part of me thinks, yes, of course, because I can still keep tabs on everything I'm doing and not let it all go down the toilet. The other part of me thinks no, take a break, and just be careful. I've had problems in the past with being super into health and then getting really burned out and not caring anymore. I don't want that to happen either, so maybe I should just forget about it for a weekend. But then again, it is a slippery slope...

As I write this, I'm thinking I should bring the journal. Eat and drink what I want, and just make sure I write it down so I don't go overboard. That is, after all, the whole point of the journal.

But then do I include alcohol in the journal? I haven't been drinking since I started the journal, and ordinarily, I would include it (like if I had a margarita with dinner or something). But if I went out to a bar, I'm sure I wouldn't be whipping my journal out to record every drink. Of course I don't do that all that often anymore. I think I should write the drinks down (they are calories!) but just not one by one.

Decision (for now): Take the journal, use the journal, as it was intended, but don't be afraid to take a break and have some drinks and delicious Austin food. Just be careful.

This weekend will truly be a test. I've had much smaller events throw me off track in the past. But I'm ready for it.

don't take feminist, or well, any lessons from Lady Gaga

I read TWO Lady Gaga quotes in the past week that really irked me.

Let me first say that I was a fan of her music and unbothered by her style probably until the song "Alejandro" came out. And even that one was okay.

Now, not only is she obviously trying to outdo herself while being the mascot for homosexuality (and you all know I am all for gay rights), but her new music sucks. It sounds like something that should've been left in the 80s. I could deal with her giving birth to herself in her videos and wearing meat dresses (although I also learned this week that that wasn't actually an original idea; Madonna or somebody had done it before... not sure why I read so much Gaga news this week) if her music was good. But it isn't. I'm afraid the sun has set on my day as a Gaga fan. And in the 2011 Britney v. Gaga war (they both had new albums come out this year), Britney is totally kicking Gaga's ass. Just saying. It's Britney, bitch. Now and forever. (I'm pretty sure I'm only a Britney fan because her heyday began when I was 13, a very defining age for one's tastes in pop culture... but nevertheless, I'm unashamed to say I'm a fan... not like I'm a fan of Jimmy Eat World or Death Cab, but still a fan).

So, Gaga's asinine comments were these: "I'm not a feminist...I love men." NEWSFLASH, Gaga, maybe do a little research: Feminism and man-loving are not mutually exclusive. You can be a heterosexual feminist. You can be a feminist and have male friends. See this article, where the lovely Cezanne Colvin explains the whole issue. But if you've ever studied feminism, you know what it's about and what it's not about, and I don't need to get on my feminist soapbox right now. But rest assured, I am a feminist. Just like Tina (see previous post).

The second Gaga-ism was this: Lady Gaga was telling someone at omg! (on Yahoo) about how she stays in such good shape and she was saying how she works out and eats really healthy (duh) and then she actually said, "My work feeds me." Any inkling of fanship toward Lady Gaga left my body upon reading those words. I went, "did she really just say that? Who SAYS that?" I hope I don't need to explain how cliche and just...ick that statement was.

We're done, Gaga. I am an avid supporter of the arts and free speech and the unexpected, etc., etc. But I don't think art is what you are. You are nothing more than a character. I don't buy that any of your "work" comes from any place other than trying to stay famous.

an ode to Tina... and me

Well, I guess I've been absent from the blogosphere for a couple of weeks.

Things are rolling along, and I'm now pretty much in a waiting game. Fortunately, I have also picked myself up and gotten my happy little butt over to the Y regularly. I've been swimming, doing yoga, going to spinning class, lifting weights and running (not all at the same time-wouldn't that be something), and I have a nice little routine down that can be flexible when I need to be. Which really isn't that often, seeing how these days, the Y is pretty much my life. But it's good. I think I need this time to focus on myself and my fitness so when the next REALLY big change comes, I'll be ready. I'll be physically fit, feeling good about myself (the most important part of the whole equation), and used to taking care of myself.

Last time, I was not in good shape, I probably felt close to the most horrible about myself I've ever felt, and I was not at all used to taking care of myself. I thought I would go and once I was there figure out how to make things fall into place. Not so. Any problems you have at home will most certainly follow you all over the world. In fact, they will be magnified. And more difficult to fix.

What a difference this time around! I know that I have challenges ahead, but I am expecting them and ready to deal. There may (probably will) be challenges that I can't possibly prepare myself for now, but I have confidence that I can react in a, well, non-reactionary way, if that makes sense. What a difference maturity can make! Not that I'm totally mature... and what a difference self-esteem makes... in everything! One of the things I've learned over the past year or so as I have been trying very hard to life a healthy lifestyle (with a few admitted setbacks, but I'm still going, so that's what counts, right?) is that if you allow yourself to feel good about yourself and respect yourself (that makes me sound like I've done something whorish... NOT what I mean), you WANT to take care of yourself. You want to be nice to your body. I can't believe it's taken me more than a decade to figure that out, but hey, better late than never. I guess it's not really late; I haven't ended up on reality TV yet, so I think I caught it in time.

ANYWAY, boy I'm in a mood tonight, aren't I? So I'm moving back in with my grandmother at the end of October. The only thing I'm sad about leaving is the Y. It's almost ridiculous how sad I am about it, too. It's a great, great place. I could go on and on about how fabulous this Y is. It's like a gym sent from heaven. But I'll spare you. Just imagine the perfect gym, and that's it. The end. BUT, on the other hand, I think not having the Y for a couple of months before I leave may end up being a good thing because I'll get to practice keeping up my fitness level on my own, and who knows what I'll have access to once I leave. Could be anything. (I'm sure there will be at the very least a place I can walk/run/bike and there will probably be a gym I can join).

But I am in a very good mood right now. I have been for the past couple of weeks. I even started cooking again, and once I did it I realized how much I missed it. You know how a few weeks ago I was saying I didn't care about anything and I couldn't find myself? Well, here I am.

The other thing is I've started writing again creatively. I actually wrote a whole story which I finished last week. I need to go through and revise, but I've been putting it off. It was so much easier when I had a whole workshop of people to give suggestions. I really miss that. I've been missing the good ol' English department, specifically the writing folks, a lot lately. It's something I may pursue when this other venture is done. I have several other story ideas that I've written down, mostly from wacky dreams I had. I'm excited to try different things.

I also just finished reading Tina Fey's book, Bossypants. It really inspired me. I've always been a Tina fan, but I'm starting to think I should just go for it and move where I want to move and be a writer, once I have some money saved up. (In case you're wondering the connection between Tina, my idol, and the previous sentence is that reading about her life makes me want to change mine and be more ambitious. Tina embodies everything I want to be... successful, driven, funny, a good writer, in charge, a mom later in her childbearing years, and a feminist).

An MFA degree might not even be out of the question. I know it's not a necessity, BUT it would give me the support of other writers that I need, help me network, and give me the credentials to teach at the college level. But I'm also still considering the librarian option... good thing I have awhile to decide. In the meantime, I'm going to keep working on my stuff. Either way, I'm going to save up money so I can do what I want where I want. Maybe by the time I'm 30, I'll be completely independent. Maybe. It's more likely that if I read this in 4 years, I'll just laugh.

That's pretty much all that's going on with me. But it's enough. I'm lucky my current job is less than demanding so I can use this time to really work on myself.

And, my heart goes out to everyone affected by the wildfires. That really sucks.

AND, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!! (Sorry. I've been watching a lot of Tina's work lately and I just felt like saying that. I told you I was in a weird mood.)

more of the same

A couple more options in the great "what the fuck am I doing with myself" escapade have made me realize (or at least come closer to realizing) what I actually want to do.

Before I go into this, I would just like to say that a year or two ago, my dear friend Audrey (whom I wish I kept in better touch with and whom, out of all of my friends is one of the most like me) said something about how she read that in your 20s, you should try out a lot of different jobs and careers to find out what you really like/want to do. Well, I didn't really set out to do that, but I've definitely done it. And I think it's proved to be good advice, in the end (not that this is the end, but in 3 days I will officially be in my late 20s), at least for people like me who have a hard time making decisions and committing and who learn the best by trying things for themselves.

As opportunities have arisen the past few weeks for me to teach in Houston, for me to work in communications/public relations for a business (that opportunity actually got taken away before I could decline, but I'm pretty sure that I would have), and for me to move into my best friend in Granbury's house rent-free (at first), none of those have quite felt right.

I'm big on things feeling right. Feeling right is different than being scared or nervous. Feeling right is knowing in your gut that even though you're nervous/scared, you're doing the right thing. I'm very big on this. I've said before that I have to do everything in my own time, and this kind of goes along with that. Something may not be right at one time, but it can be at another. (Of course sometimes, I'm just an idiot and can't see what's right in front of me).

What feels right to me is doing what I set out to do two years ago before I let myself get thrown off track. In a more focused way, of course. I'm going to go overseas for a year or two, depending on how things go, save some money, and go to school OUT OF STATE to become a librarian. I'm thinking either Boston (number one in my head right now), Seattle, or Denver. Those are all very different places, but I'm attracted to them all. And I have time to work all that out.

I must say that as I just typed that paragraph, I felt very determined and sure of myself. That is one way I know my gut feeling is right. There are times when I type something like that, pertaining to my future or my goals, and I can just feel in my fingers that's never really going to happen. Maybe that's weird, but I can. My fingers are sure this time. Maybe it won't happen exactly as I think it will right now, but I will get to where I want to be. I'm sure of it.

I think I had more to say about this, but it's taking a very strange turn, so I'm going to sign off for now.

It's time to be brave. And patient. So I don't go insane.

thought vomit

I'm starting to get my creativity back, I think.

After being ass-numbingly bored out of my skull with all of the "journalism" I've been doing lately, it's been refreshing to work on some projects of my own. And remembering how much I love it.

I loved the work I did in Beeville, but I think it may have been a very unique situation. Now that I've gotten out of that bubble (of the booming South Texas economy), I'm back in the rest of the world. Where it's cutthroat and we're all a dime a dozen.

My strengths have been writing features and human interest pieces and also researching complex issues and writing about them for the general public. I'm not so great at breaking news or "keeping my finger on the pulse of the community" (God, I hate cliche journalism phrases... I've read to many job descriptions in the past couple of years; the other one I hate is "a nose for news," which I don't really have either).

What I think this means is that while I'm good at interviewing people and telling their stories, I'm not necessarily a hard-hitting journalist. I may be a damn good writer, but I think it may be time to find a better way to make a living and use my writing for my own, independent projects.

I'm glad I got the opportunity to work for a small town paper, though. It was one of the most fun times I've ever had. And I'm glad I'm figuring all of this out now.

In a way, it's like I'm coming full circle. I started out in the academic world and I'm on my way back. I've always done everything the hard way, and while that's been a big pain in the ass in a lot of ways, things just don't seem to work for me unless I do them in my own time. I guess I just need extra time to process and reflect. The world doesn't usually work that way, unfortunately, but I'm learning to function in it anyway.

I'm not sure if any of this post made any sense at all. These were all just thoughts I needed to expel from my head.

go find your life

I've been thinking a lot about... well, several things these past few weeks.

There's a quote from "The Help," which I just finished reading, that I can't get out of my head. Toward the end of the book, the character who wrote the book (within the book) gets offered a job in New York but at first says she won't take it because people need her in Jackson. One of the other characters tells her that's ridiculous because she has nothing left in Jackson. She tells her, "Go find your life."

Maybe it's because I identified so much with that character (Skeeter), but I just feel like she was talking to me. My family is here in Texas, but I'm starting to feel again and again, and stronger this time, that I have no future here. At least not right now. My friends are moving on, settling down, finding their lives, if you will. And I'm still flailing. The harder I try not to flail, the worse I do, it seems. I'm not happy in my career, I have nothing to keep me here, and I just feel like I fit in better... elsewhere. I love Texas, but I need a break for awhile.

Maybe it's also because this week, I found out through mild facebook stalking that (get ready for an embarrassing story) someone I was head over heels for in high school is engaged (apparently he has been for awhile, I just hadn't stalked him in several months). That shouldn't be a big deal, but this person was a very close friend of mine and it was one of those situations where everyone thought we were or should be together and I secretly wanted that but it never happened (I really loved him). I still valued his friendship though; I don't want to cheapen that. Anyway, after all this time, and even though I haven't seen or talked to him in 4 1/2 years, I still liked having the idea of him in my head. Even though I know that's stupid and immature and I don't really even know him anymore, I liked the idea. Sometimes it was all I had during some pretty dry spells in my dating life. The "extreme/exceptional" drought of Texas has nothing on my love life. Him getting engaged ruins that fantasy. (although last night he and his fiance, whom I've never met, were BOTH in my dream... aaaauuuggghh).

Anyway, I think what struck me so much about it was less that he, a person who I for all intents and purposes don't know anymore, is getting married, but that I am not. And I really, honestly, don't want to be right now. I know I can be bitter, and I do get lonely sometimes, but it's more about the fact that I'm losing my friends to this institution than it is about wanting someone for myself. Even if I fell in love right now, I don't think I'd want to get married. Everything about doing normal settling down things makes me want to run the other way. Freedom and pride are very important to me, however wrong or right that may be. More important to me than finding "the one" (what a crock of shit that is anyway--I believe in the possibility of being with someone for a long time and being happy, but I don't believe there's one perfect person for everybody... but I digress).

Add this one instance to the probably hundreds of others that are happening with my friends now. I am seriously one of the only people I know who is not in a serious relationship, married, and/or has a child. And while I still love all of my friends, it changes things; it just does. I'm tired of being the only single one EVERYWHERE, I'm tired of being the only one who rejects all these societal constructs, and I'm just... tired. I've spent my entire life dreaming of going off and living in these interesting places (not that Texas isn't interesting!) and doing what I really wanted. I've gotten close a couple of times, even flown across the world, but I haven't quite hit it yet. And I'm realizing more and more that I'm not ready to give up.

It's hard to leave my family and friends behind, but I'll be okay. I know this sounds bad, but I've let it get to a point where it's almost like my love and need for them is so intense that it's holding me back. It's keeping me from moving on. It's freaking hard, harder than I ever imagined, but it just goes back to I have to find my life. Not theirs. They'll still and will always be there for me, but at the end of the day, all I have is myself. I need to start trusting me.

The difference between now and the times before is that this time, I feel really clear-headed. The other times, I felt like I was running in circles.

the antidote

Tonight I drove to Galveston for the hell of it. I NEEDED the ocean. And most nights (and weekends) here in Clear Lake, I am bored out of my mind. I just can't seem to get it together. I know it took a few months, but in Beeville, I would get really excited about cooking and that would take up a good portion of my evenings. But here, I don't seem to give a shit. There's plenty to do here too, outside my apartment. But I don't give a shit about that either. It's like I'm here, but I'm not really. I'm looking for myself, and I don't know how to find me. Driving to the beach was part of the search. I think I found a piece.


So I parked on the seawall (it's still free! I think till 2012) and walked out into the ocean fully clothed. By into the ocean, that's what I mean. I didn't go underwater or anything, but I was in up to my thighs. I realized as I felt that first rush of waves on my ankles that I hadn't been in the ocean all summer. Where has the summer gone?

It was fabulous. I am always mesmerized by the ocean. Its vastness, its endlessness, its power. It's like a big, beautiful creature that is comforting but you know could kill you. Just swallow you up. Sometimes it scares me how much it fascinates me. I love it.

I stayed at the beach awhile, sitting on the jetty, watching the waves and all the little kids. It was so nice to smell the salt again. Then, I took an inadvertent tour of Galveston on my way out of town, but now I know where the strand, UTMB, opera house and some other places are.

Next week, I'll be going back up to the Woodlands to make a little extra money babysitting. When I go, I stay with my grandmother, whom I love, although when we lived together for a couple of months, she drove me crazy (I think it was mutual). Now, when I go stay up there for a few days, she doesn't bother me nearly as much because I'm just so happy there's someone there.

It shouldn't be this hard. I've lived alone three times before this. I think the difference now is that all of those times, I had a large group of coworkers and/or friends to interact with during the day. Now, it's just me and Doug, and while we get along superbly, he's gone a lot of the time doing sales, I'm not always working out of the office either, etc., etc. So I spend a ridiculous amount of time alone. I'm not afraid of being alone, mind you, I'm independent almost to a fault. But we're social creatures. And being alone all the time drives me batshit crazy. For real.

Although I had to move on and I didn't belong there, I really, really miss my work family in Beeville. That kooky little town in general. Tonight I had the thought that in many ways, that'll probably be one of the best years of my life, as hard as that probably is for most people to understand. I know I'll never have a better employer. I don't have a single regret about it. And I don't say that about a lot of experiences.