Doing things for yourself is amazing.
Not taking anyone else into consideration for your actions and just doing what you want to do... it's so simple. I'm not saying you shouldn't do things for other people. I'm just saying that when making big life decisions, it's best to look out for #1 only.
My parents were really surprised that I'm so ok with the recent turn of events. I just kind of shrugged and said, "What's not to be ok with?"
That one, seemingly simple question says so much more. It is the embodiment of how far I've come.
I think what mainly surprised my parents was that when things aren't going the way I've planned, or I'm going through a major change (whether or not it's brought about by my own choice), I tend to freak out. I get very unstable and existential.
I have, of course, gone through some of the self-destructive habits of the unemployed. Particularly the unemployed in Europe (when in Prague...).
But I'm totally, 112% ok. Happy, even. And I know that I always can be--I have the power to be. Again, what's not to be ok with? Ever. I'm finally learning to roll with it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another note, distance can also do wonders for a person.
This weekend, my former grad school counterparts took their comprehensive exams. I kept reading their facebook statuses about how they were freaking out, hated their lives, felt like masochists, etc., etc. But all I could think about was how accomplished they were going to feel at the end of the weekend. And how I wasn't there pouring out sweat, blood, and tears with them. How I wasn't going to (yet) know that sense of accomplishment.
It's fine. I know that I made the right decision for me. I also know that I made it a lot harder on myself. But hey, that's what I do. What I mean is that because I've decided to go back in a year and finish my Master's, it's going to be harder for me because I broke up that continuous stream of knowledge and will haven taken 2 years off between my first and second year. That's going to be a lot harder, both in terms of comps and regular coursework. Also, my cohort that I began the program will (obviously) have all moved on by the time I go back. I will be with a bunch of people that I don't know, who didn't know the program the way I did in 2007-2008. And of course, I won't have my grad school buddy, Chelsie. No one could ever replace her. But I know she's doing it without me right now, so I know I can do it without her too.
The flip side of all of those things is that I have So. Much. More. Perspective now. That's what I meant about distance doing amazing things. Last summer, I was so bogged down in the program and not feeling a purpose and drowning in piles of projects that I knew I could handle but didn't have the motivation to. After being away for almost 10 months and doing a LOT of soul searching, I know that a Master's in rhet/comp is really what I want. And I want to finish it in Corpus Christi. I had to be away to get it, to appreciate it, and to remember what I love.
Also, it could also be a good thing that I won't be finishing the program with the people I started it with. It might be good for me to have some classes with people I haven't been in class with since undergrad. Get some new insights--the TEFL course was definitely like that, and I needed it. Also, I won't already be jaded about these people before the classes even start. The whole thing will be more separate from my undergrad, and that can only be positive.
Sidenote: I helped a friend with some writing recently. I felt rusty, but I've still got it! It felt nice to know that I can still do that stuff.
God, it will be weird to move to Corpus Christi and not know anyone there!
Ok, I'm done talking about this for now. My next post should be much more interesting ;).
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
stronger
So here I am again, about to break another lease.
This time, it's not really an "I should've known better and thought about this beforehand" type thing. I couldn't have predicted my reasons for leaving. They are real and practical and do not have anything to do with whims. Do I feel relieved? Yes. Am I justified in feeling that way, or is it my continual urge to run away? I don't know.
I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is what is. I'm really excited to go to Asia, though. Maybe more excited than I was to come to Prague. That could be because this will be more like starting a life, because I'll arrive with a job. And because I won't be as scared of relocating halfway around the world this time. I think.
I'm also excited to go home for a little bit. I've really missed Texas. My friends, my family, the sky, the open spaces, Mexican food, driving (I hate to admit that!), warm weather, etc., etc. It will be totally weird to hear people speaking English all the time. As much as I've loved the past 2 months, this experience has given me a new appreciation for home. I finally understand that...although for me (and a few others like me, I think), I had to go see the world to feel that way. And I will always want to continue traveling.
Part of me is tempted to stay home, but I'm not done traveling yet. I've got the rest of my life to stay home. Plus, now I know that I definitely want to move back to Texas when I'm done teaching overseas. That's where I ultimately belong, no matter how many rednecks tell me I'm too liberal for it. Texas is made up of all kinds, not just rednecks and cowboys (not that there's anything wrong with cowboys).
I'm so ready for Friday to get here, yet I never want it to come.
I am so much stronger now than I ever thought I could be.
This time, it's not really an "I should've known better and thought about this beforehand" type thing. I couldn't have predicted my reasons for leaving. They are real and practical and do not have anything to do with whims. Do I feel relieved? Yes. Am I justified in feeling that way, or is it my continual urge to run away? I don't know.
I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is what is. I'm really excited to go to Asia, though. Maybe more excited than I was to come to Prague. That could be because this will be more like starting a life, because I'll arrive with a job. And because I won't be as scared of relocating halfway around the world this time. I think.
I'm also excited to go home for a little bit. I've really missed Texas. My friends, my family, the sky, the open spaces, Mexican food, driving (I hate to admit that!), warm weather, etc., etc. It will be totally weird to hear people speaking English all the time. As much as I've loved the past 2 months, this experience has given me a new appreciation for home. I finally understand that...although for me (and a few others like me, I think), I had to go see the world to feel that way. And I will always want to continue traveling.
Part of me is tempted to stay home, but I'm not done traveling yet. I've got the rest of my life to stay home. Plus, now I know that I definitely want to move back to Texas when I'm done teaching overseas. That's where I ultimately belong, no matter how many rednecks tell me I'm too liberal for it. Texas is made up of all kinds, not just rednecks and cowboys (not that there's anything wrong with cowboys).
I'm so ready for Friday to get here, yet I never want it to come.
I am so much stronger now than I ever thought I could be.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Jewish Quarter
Today, I was really pissed off because the person who was supposed to go sightseeing with me bailed like 2 minutes before we were supposed to meet. If she had told me earlier, I would not have been on the tram I was on going the direction I was going. Oh, well.
So. I decided that since it was a reasonably nice day and not too cold (I am not currently wearing my coat because of the vomit stains), I would go see something cool by myself. I was close to the green line, so I hopped on the metro and got off in the Jewish Quarter, which is something I'd been wanting to revisit since our walking tour six weeks ago.
I found what I was looking for pretty easily. An area with lots of synagogues, a great view of the castle by the way, and I just walked toward this huge wall with lots of tombstones behind it. I figured that must be the Jewish cemetery and museum, based on how it was described to me.
I was able to use my outdated college I.D. to get a discount on the entry fee. I went into the museum, which when you first walk in is two floors of just these walls with all of the Czech Holocause victims' names and birth/death dates written in red and black EVERYWHERE. It's really overwhelming. There's nothing else in this part of the museum. Photography in there is forbidden, which I totally agree with. It would be very disrespectful to make these people's memorial into some cheap tourist landmark. So being in these rooms was just completely humbling and powerful. It almost made me want to cry. Especially since I saw the movie The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas pretty soon before I came here.
You always hear about the Holocaust as this event that you know really happened and was a really big deal. But learning about it in history classes and such kind of makes the people involved seem like fictional characters. When you see all those names written in tiny writing covering the walls of several rooms, it hits you how big of a deal it really was. And these rooms were just the people from one country. Multiply that by the rest of the people in Europe who were affected. Wow.
And it gets even more powerful. There's another room in the museum where they have children's drawings from WWII--Jewish children, who went to ghettos and concentration camps, some of whom survived, and some of whom didn't. They are child-like drawings of the trains, the camps, the ghettos, their dreams, and imaginations. There are journal entries, photographs, old star of David patches. But it's mostly the drawings that get you. They are labeled by who drew them, when, and whether or not they survived. Some of them have unknown artists.
I was trying to figure out why this experience affected me so much more than when I went to the Holocaust museum in Houston. I think it's because here, it doesn't seem so far away. All of this stuff happened right here, or very close to here.
Anyway, so when you walk out of the museum, you can go into the Jewish cemetery. I'll post pictures of this part. There are all these freaking OLD tombstones just piled on top of each other in this garden area with old Hebrew writing on them. I wish I could've read what they said. They are covered in moss and weathering away. The museum people are trying to restore them as much as possible. I think I read something that said they restore 100 a year or something like that.
These graves (I think, based on what I could tell from the signs and brochures) are mostly from the 16 and 1700s. Some may be older than that. Damn. I can't quite figure out why the Jewish graves/burials were so neglected back then and for so long (the cemetery and all the refurbishing has only been happening since 1975). I guess it's just the anti-Semitic attitudes that were prevalent in Europe for so long. I guess as an American that's hard for me to understand.
So. I decided that since it was a reasonably nice day and not too cold (I am not currently wearing my coat because of the vomit stains), I would go see something cool by myself. I was close to the green line, so I hopped on the metro and got off in the Jewish Quarter, which is something I'd been wanting to revisit since our walking tour six weeks ago.
I found what I was looking for pretty easily. An area with lots of synagogues, a great view of the castle by the way, and I just walked toward this huge wall with lots of tombstones behind it. I figured that must be the Jewish cemetery and museum, based on how it was described to me.
I was able to use my outdated college I.D. to get a discount on the entry fee. I went into the museum, which when you first walk in is two floors of just these walls with all of the Czech Holocause victims' names and birth/death dates written in red and black EVERYWHERE. It's really overwhelming. There's nothing else in this part of the museum. Photography in there is forbidden, which I totally agree with. It would be very disrespectful to make these people's memorial into some cheap tourist landmark. So being in these rooms was just completely humbling and powerful. It almost made me want to cry. Especially since I saw the movie The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas pretty soon before I came here.
You always hear about the Holocaust as this event that you know really happened and was a really big deal. But learning about it in history classes and such kind of makes the people involved seem like fictional characters. When you see all those names written in tiny writing covering the walls of several rooms, it hits you how big of a deal it really was. And these rooms were just the people from one country. Multiply that by the rest of the people in Europe who were affected. Wow.
And it gets even more powerful. There's another room in the museum where they have children's drawings from WWII--Jewish children, who went to ghettos and concentration camps, some of whom survived, and some of whom didn't. They are child-like drawings of the trains, the camps, the ghettos, their dreams, and imaginations. There are journal entries, photographs, old star of David patches. But it's mostly the drawings that get you. They are labeled by who drew them, when, and whether or not they survived. Some of them have unknown artists.
I was trying to figure out why this experience affected me so much more than when I went to the Holocaust museum in Houston. I think it's because here, it doesn't seem so far away. All of this stuff happened right here, or very close to here.
Anyway, so when you walk out of the museum, you can go into the Jewish cemetery. I'll post pictures of this part. There are all these freaking OLD tombstones just piled on top of each other in this garden area with old Hebrew writing on them. I wish I could've read what they said. They are covered in moss and weathering away. The museum people are trying to restore them as much as possible. I think I read something that said they restore 100 a year or something like that.
These graves (I think, based on what I could tell from the signs and brochures) are mostly from the 16 and 1700s. Some may be older than that. Damn. I can't quite figure out why the Jewish graves/burials were so neglected back then and for so long (the cemetery and all the refurbishing has only been happening since 1975). I guess it's just the anti-Semitic attitudes that were prevalent in Europe for so long. I guess as an American that's hard for me to understand.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
waiting for it to pass
Reading a new blog has finally inspired me to write a new one of my own.
You know that saying "wherever you go, there you are?" I'm so there.
It's not that I came here to run away from something or because I thought my life would magically change. Neither one of those things is true.
I just feel like all of my B.S., all of my insecurities, and all of my self destructive tendencies are rearing their ugly heads at the moment. I realize that this will always happen. Nobody's perfect, and everyone has their issues. I just hate feeling out of control and like I have nothing to hold onto.
First of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this city. And more than that, I've met some really awesome people here, some of whom I will probably always keep in touch with. But I still feel really alone. It's kind of a normal thing for me, and something that I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to shake. And in a way, I don't know if I'd want to. I don't know if I could deal with other people's bullshit too. I like to be around people, but it takes a lot for me to really be close to them. Despite that, I get really attached to friends really fast. Weird.
Anyway, so I'm hearing these rumors about Americans being deported from the Czech Republic because they're being denied visas. Scary! Although it would be kind of a cool story to say you got deported from somewhere, I don't know what is happening. I feel like I may end up in Taiwan soon. Which is okay. I think it looks totally cool. I just kind of wanted to stay here for awhile--maybe six or nine months. Sure, I'll break a couple of contracts by doing that, but I don't think anything severe happens to you for doing that. I don't think anything severe happens to you for much in the Czech Republic. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. But I still love it.
My current fears include:
You know that saying "wherever you go, there you are?" I'm so there.
It's not that I came here to run away from something or because I thought my life would magically change. Neither one of those things is true.
I just feel like all of my B.S., all of my insecurities, and all of my self destructive tendencies are rearing their ugly heads at the moment. I realize that this will always happen. Nobody's perfect, and everyone has their issues. I just hate feeling out of control and like I have nothing to hold onto.
First of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this city. And more than that, I've met some really awesome people here, some of whom I will probably always keep in touch with. But I still feel really alone. It's kind of a normal thing for me, and something that I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to shake. And in a way, I don't know if I'd want to. I don't know if I could deal with other people's bullshit too. I like to be around people, but it takes a lot for me to really be close to them. Despite that, I get really attached to friends really fast. Weird.
Anyway, so I'm hearing these rumors about Americans being deported from the Czech Republic because they're being denied visas. Scary! Although it would be kind of a cool story to say you got deported from somewhere, I don't know what is happening. I feel like I may end up in Taiwan soon. Which is okay. I think it looks totally cool. I just kind of wanted to stay here for awhile--maybe six or nine months. Sure, I'll break a couple of contracts by doing that, but I don't think anything severe happens to you for doing that. I don't think anything severe happens to you for much in the Czech Republic. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. But I still love it.
My current fears include:
- not finding a job
- getting deported and not being able to afford a plane ticket out
- not being able to pay for my apartment
- not having any friends (I know that one's irrational, but everything just feels so precarious right now)
- that I'm going to be a bad teacher, or I'm going to hate it
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