I wish I could be the person I am when I write--all the time. When I write, I can say what I mean and be myself and it just comes out. I don't have to think about it or analyze it, I just know it's true and I don't care what anyone thinks. I can say what I can't say out loud.
Very few people know the real, uncensored me. The one that doesn't clam up and can find the words easily. The one who says what she really means and doesn't have a lack of confidence.
I've gotten close to several friends lately who I went to college with but didn't know very well (or at all) at the time. I feel like they have a good idea of who I am. But I'm not as vocal around them as I could be. I guess that will come with time.
I don't feel as nervous as I used to. I've had a few people tell me I'm a badass. I don't see that. I see that maybe I project that because I feel inadequate in other ways. Then again, a friend I met in Prague last year tells me I'm a badass even though she's seen my insecure side. Maybe being a badass doesn't mean you're 100% secure 100% of the time.
I find it pretty easy to talk to people I don't know. I just wish it took me less time to completely open up to people. I mean, maybe nobody opens up that much immediately. And I am very guarded. I don't know how to change that. But I think I'm worth getting to know.
Maybe part of me will always feel like the nerdy girl who never gets noticed.
All of this said, life has been pretty darn good lately. I just wanted to get that stuff off my chest. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and like I really belong. Maybe part of that comes from finally doing something I know I'm good at. And just being able to be, without thinking about where in the world I'm going to go next and what I'm going to do when I get there.
