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Monday, May 9, 2011

the break-up

Change is hard. I knew I'd miss my coworkers in Beeville, but not this much. As much as I kind of felt like I was in limbo there, I guess I really did have a life there. I made it work. I know I can do that here too, but the first day is always hard.

It hurts. I've cried several times today just thinking about how much I miss Beeville Publishing Co. and all the people there. In Beeville, really. How much they welcomed me and made me part of their family. And even though I know I had to move on and there was no way to have a real life for me there, part of me can't believe it's over and it's part of my past now. I said a long time ago that I had learned that you have to break up with places. I've been here before. It's still true. And right now, I'm missing that backwards little town and all of the eccentric people there.

There are a lot of uncertainties for me right now, and that's not something I've traditionally dealt with well. But I have to. I don't know where I'll end up living in Houston, what kinds of opportunities I'll have, or, well, much of anything.

I'm trying really hard to remember the positives right now, after a trying day when all I wanted to do was have Gary and Jason across the hall from me to talk to and laugh with and Delia and Nina up at the front to take care of everyone. But they weren't there. No one was, really. Nobody compares.

But back to the positives. I did meet one new coworker whom I really liked, although she won't be there everyday, but at least I met someone friendly. I'm going to have a lot of freedom and independence here, which is something I really wanted, I think I'm ready for, and will work well for me.

And the biggest plus, the real reason I left such a phenomenal job in Beeville, is having my best friend and my family a 10 minute drive away from me. I don't have to be alone anymore. I guess just at work I do now.

But right now, it still hurts. The break-up is fresh.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

looking forward to Monday

Now that I'm actually here in Houston (well, the Woodlands for now), it's time to put some of the things I've been saying (okay, complaining) that I've wanted to do but couldn't due to my location into action.

Thursday (my last day at the Bee-Pic) was much more emotional than I thought it would be. That place was so amazing to me over the last year, and I know I already mentioned that in my previous post, but it's so true it bears repeating. When the girls up front (in the advertising department—editorial is in the back) found out I was leaving, they rushed out to buy a card, have everyone sign it, and whipped up a dessert on the fly. All that for me, someone who'd been there a year when some of them have been working there for 30. It was pretty overwhelming. I'll definitely miss them always. There were tears.

So then Friday, I moved into my grandmother's house in the Woodlands. That was also overwhelming, mainly because I'm not used to having so much family readily available for help. All the times I've moved before, it's pretty much just been me and my mom and dad. The help was awesome, but it was just weird. Plus, the idea of living with my grandmother temporarily seemed great when it was hypothetical, but when I was actually moving in, I started second guessing it. I think this is normal; anytime I've ever moved anywhere, I've second guessed it initially. Making such a big change is always anxiety-ridden, no matter how much you want it. Besides, this really is a temporary arrangement that should only last through the summer. And it will give me time to save up some money and get to know Houston better before I find my own place. I reeeeally hope I can find a roommate, though. I don't think I have a prayer of being able to afford living alone here like I did in Beeville. Nor do I want to in a big, somewhat strange city. But all that will work itself out in time.

I just hate these first couple of days when you move somewhere, before you begin doing what you came there to do. When you don't really know what to do with yourself because you don't know very many people, you have no routine, no regular hang-out spots, no idea of where to go or what to do. All you can do is wait to get into the swing of things. It's probably the only time I look forward to Monday.

But anyway, I do have several projects and things I want to get started. Which is the hard part. Now that I have taken a new job in a major urban area, I feel like I have a real opportunity for my career to really take off. And while I feel like I'm living the dream, a.k.a. going after my dream, I have to wonder/mildly plan for the what if. As in what if it doesn't happen and I'm still only making $30,000 in ten years while not being able to save anything for the future. Eventually, my car is going to wear out and if that happened tomorrow, no way could I afford a new one. And the kicker there is that in my career, I have to have a car. But I have decided not to borrow trouble anymore, in any way.

The point of all of that was that outside of the office, I need to take it up a notch. I've never been an overachiever in the slightest, but at least I have a brain. And when I really want something, I find a way to make it happen. So anyway, the point is that my goal now is to write something everyday. It can be journaling (which will probably be what I mostly do at first), creative writing for fun like poetry, more serious creative writing such as working on some sort of mess I could turn into a book one day, writing features I can try to sell to magazines, or other freelance work I find (I'm trying to get a gig as a contributor for a local magazine, but it's probably a looooong shot). I know I need my main focus/priority to be my full-time job, but how awesome would it be if I could supplement my income by doing other stuff on the side? Hopefully I can find some way to get that started in a meaningful way. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

As far as my personal life goes, I'm about to join a swim team, something I've wanted to do for a long time but didn't have one close to me, so I'm pretty excited about that. I would also like to find a way to maybe do some volunteering? We'll see. Plus I'm just excited about all the stuff to do I'm going to have access to now. I'm just going to be trying to make some friends and come out of seclusion.

In any case, I'm ready to get started. With all of it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

bitterSWEET

I took a temporary hiatus from the blogosphere. I had plenty of overflowing thoughts, but I was kind of holding my breath until I found out if I had gotten this job I had interviewed for in Houston. And until I knew what was happening with my tumor.

Well, I'm happy to report that I DID get the job, and I move on Friday! I am so excited to keep moving forward, be closer to friends and family, make NEW friends, and have so much more to do! Also, I'm happy to report that my tumor was removed last Thursday, and other than some minor swelling, I am doing great. I had an awesome surgeon who did a great job and I have had very little pain/discomfort.

I have many reflections I want to make on the conclusion of my year here in Beeville. Like any ending, as much as I eagerly anticipate the future, it is bittersweet. First of all, can we all take a moment to celebrate the fact that I stuck something out for an entire year without freaking out and running away? I think that was part maturity and part figuring out what I want to do with my life. Also, it's very important to mention the great people here in Beeville, particularly at the paper, and I am genuinely sad to be leaving them. I've come to realize that it's impossible to spend any length of time someplace and not get attached to the people you meet there. This is the hardest part about leaving. By now, I can't imagine not being a part of Gary's, Jason's, Jeff's, Bruce's, Stacy's life on a daily basis. Nothing I could say about them or the company here would do them justice. But it must be done. I know I have to go.

I learned more than I ever thought I would here. And I gained so much strength and confidence that I can see in all areas of my life. When I came here, I was scared and shy and self-conscious. I am leaving brave, outgoing and sure of myself. Things happen in such mysterious ways. I have wondered thousands of times over the past year how and why I ended up here of all places. But I stuck it out, even managed to have a good time, and now I'm going somewhere I can build a real life with no plans to leave (what a foreign concept to me!). I'm so unbelievably ready for that.

I know that even with all the experience I've gained here, my new job will still be an adjustment at first. But I feel confident that I made the right decision. I get a good vibe from my new bosses. I think it will be fun, a new challenge, and that I'm doing the right thing by going all-digital (my new job is at an online news company for anyone who may not know). And I have other plans, like trying to do some freelance work on the side to supplement my income and gain even more experience. I also have other writing projects I want to work on. I think now that I'm going somewhere I want to stay, nothing's on hold anymore. No more excuses. No more procrastinating. I also plan on joining a swim team ASAP. I'm very excited about this and the possibility to be involved in and do other things that weren't available to me in Beeville. It's time for me to come out of my cave and not be compromised anymore. I can't even express my excitement.

Bring it on.