not in control

I really like San Antonio. Have you ever felt like you're not in control of what's happening, like this path is just being laid out before you and you're just following it? That's how I feel right now. Things continue to fall into place. Even when they don't seem like they're going to, they turn around and work out. Sometimes it's not the way I had originally envisioned, but they still do.

I know that I'm not always going to be this circumstantially happy. Things are going to get hard again, and it's going to seem like nothing is going right. The difference (I hope!) will be that I have found internal happiness. And that will keep me from totally falling apart during the dark times.

I truly believe, after having been back in the States for three whole weeks now, that going to Korea was the single most important decision I've ever made. It didn't turn out the way I thought it would, of course, but the confidence and self-awareness I gained were things I desperately needed and I don't know that I would have found that anywhere else.

I think I had more stuff to say, but I have to go now, so I'll finish this later.

the end of a dream, the beginning of happiness

I can't remember a time when so many things were going right for me. I don't want to pinch myself because I'm afraid I'll wake up.

I don't know if this is a product of my newfound confidence and optimism and the fact I spent the past six months (well, year really) clawing my way out of each day, but my new outlook certainly doesn't hurt.

I do miss my little babies and living abroad, but I'm definitely ready for this change and mostly just to be somewhere for awhile. I have absolutely no end point in mind for living in San Antonio. Will I stay here forever? Maybe not, but I can't say right now. I'm just content to be here and working toward something that matters to me.

I'm still a little worried about money, but I have some cushion now to look for a part-time job because I got an assistantship at the writing center that pays really well. And of course my internship is only for one semester and then I'll find something that pays, hopefully full time.

So later today I'm meeting my roommate and seeing my new house for the first time. I think it's weird that I know people all over the world and I happen to be moving to the city where I know the most people (of course I want to meet new people too). It's kind of exciting that it worked out that way. I'm so excited about the future. I haven't been able to say that for a really long time.

The reverse culture shock and the jet lag are beginning to subside. I'm keeping my new perspective, but I'm starting to embrace being home (really home) and the positive things that are happening to me despite the end of one dream.