I can honestly say the year has been a blur. People told me it would be, and I knew it too, from my experience in Korea. I knew while it was happening it would feel painfully slow, and then when I got to the end, it would seem like the first day of school was yesterday. That's exactly what's happened.
I can already tell I'm going to get emotional on the last day of school. These kids, as much as they drive me up the wall, probably mean more to me than any other class I've had. They are so difficult, they come from such... ahem, challenging circumstances that every day is a struggle, or at least contains some sort of struggle, and I would be lying if I said there aren't a lot of times I wish I was teaching in a nice, middle class suburban school.
But deep down I know I love them. I really don't mean this to be a sappy, "I work in a ghetto school but it's so rewarding" type of post. I don't actually feel that way. Every day is a battle - either with the kids, the administrators, some of the other teachers, the parents, etc. But at the same time, when Te'Ana decided to tell me the truth about something she did wrong (breaking Cornelius's glasses) and she was obviously very emotional, like it was a new experience for her to do that, I teared up too. When Mia makes it a point to say excuse me after 4 months ago throwing a fit which included "Why do we always have to say excuuuuse me?!", it does feel worth it. When Jarmarl says good morning back to me after months of pretending like he didn't hear me, I feel like I won him over somehow. When I say goodbye to the kids next Monday, it will be a little painful. I'll be sad to see them go on, even though I know we're all ready.
Every time I've felt like I've gotten used to things this year, or gotten into a rhythm, either with lesson planning, structure, time management, whatever, the powers that be inevitably changed something that made it impossible for me to keep that rhythm or routine. I've never felt more criticized or less trusted by an employer. I've never felt more misunderstood. I've never felt less that I knew what was going on or what was expected of me - and if you've ever worked in a hagwon, you know that's saying something. I never realized how much teachers are blamed for things that are mostly out of their control until I was on this side of things. But this is not the time and place to get on my soapbox about the state of education.
So, I've learned, more or less how to play the ISD game (avoiding mentioning the name on the internet - you know the one I mean), which has been hard for me because I've always been sort of rebellious and very independent, and it's hard for me to be told what to do to the extent that the ISD does. So I've had to learn how to comply with what they want on the outside so I can do what I want in actuality. It's a delicate balance.
For example, back in late fall, ISD personnel sent me to observe a teacher on another campus whom they thought was superb. So, after much grumbling, I set up my class EXACTLY like hers. Then, six or so weeks later, it was all wrong, and I needed to change this, that, and every other thing. I was doing too much vocabulary, not enough silent reading, this was out of place, that was the wrong color, my hair was too long, my feet were the wrong size. You get the ridiculousness of it. So, after a heated argument with said personnel in which I threw an entire stack of papers in the trash can in front of her, I resigned myself to playing the game. So, I've learned to nod and smile instead of point blank saying "Yeah... I'm not doing that." I'm not sure how I feel about this from a moral standpoint, but it's necessary and it makes my work life easier.
I've definitely learned how to relax and think on my feet more than I did before. I've learned how to handle situations I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to deal with. I've learned that I can't be any other teacher than myself, no matter what the ISD or anyone else says. And I've learned how to appear that I feel confident and I know what I'm doing, even when I don't. Because the other thing I've learned is that I may never totally feel like I have it down.
