Transitional depression is very real. Well, sometimes it's depression, sometimes it's anxiety or overall restlessness, really it's just feeling out of place and trying to find where you fit. And sometimes, that makes you want to give up and stay in bed all day. Or find reasons to not be in your house.
This time around for me, I know what I want to do, but I can't pick up and do it right now. I was telling someone the other day that this is the first time I've moved home and it doesn't feel like home anymore. I used to kind of secretly be okay with my parents being around all the time, being in the house and town I grew up in. I mean, I never wanted to be here long term, but I was okay with being here for a couple of months or so.
This time, I've been here just shy of two weeks, and I can't wait to get out of here. It feels like I don't belong. I'm terrified of wherever I'm going next, but I'm still ready to go. I'm going to be applying for teaching jobs for the fall (which also means I'm pretty much stuck here through the summer). I really want to move to Austin or San Antonio.
Adjusting is a funny thing. It's obvious at first; it's things like going to turn the gas on before you cook something and then realizing you don't have to do that here. It's constantly almost walking into people because you're used to the way they walk in Asia. But how do you know when you're done adjusting? I mean, obviously, I'm not, it hasn't been long enough. But I don't feel like I'm having these shocking moments or that I don't know how to function in Western culture. I think it's more my general feelings of uneasiness. And I think I'll know when I'm adjusted when I can look back on this time and see how weird it was. And right now, part of me doesn't want to be adjusted. I don't want to file away the last year just yet. I don't want be another American, walking around like nothing matters outside our isolated continent.
But then again, I don't think I could anymore, ever. That was kind of the whole point.
So, to sum up: I want to start the next chapter, but I'm not quite ready to let go of the last one. But in the meantime, I am DEFINITELY ready to get out of here.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
reverse culture shock
Ok, I know everyone's getting sick of me and my crises. This isn't really a crisis, but an outlet for... an adjustment period. For things I don't know how to deal with yet.
As I seem to like to do lately, I'm going to sort this into list format:
Things I am enjoying about being home:
• family and friends (although... it's not like I thought it would be. I'll get to this in the next section)
• driving/having a car
• open space... the vastness is truly amazing and I forgot what it looked like
• being able to swim in peace at the Y - this should really be #1
• being able to bake and cook to my heart's content, and with any ingredients I want
• watching American TV when it actually comes on - and DVR
• the politeness/orderliness/calmness of things
....Yep, that's about it.
Things I am NOT enjoying:
• I seriously feel like I'm on a different planet from everyone else around me right now. And there's no way they can get it.
• Along those lines, everyone is just going about their lives and I don't know where/how I fit in. Almost as if everyone's moved on but not quite... again, I don't know if you can get it if you haven't lived it.
• open space... it's too much and I feel like it's going to swallow me whole
• the sameness, the country-ness, the nowheresville-ness, the "is this it?" feeling
• feeling like the adventure is over... I'd be lying if I said I hadn't already looked at jobs overseas - just looked! Calm down.
• the freaking SUN. Has it always been this bright here?
I feel restless and unsettled. I desperately want to start my new life but I don't know what or where that is yet. And I am still forgetting that food scraps can go in the regular garbage.
As I seem to like to do lately, I'm going to sort this into list format:
Things I am enjoying about being home:
• family and friends (although... it's not like I thought it would be. I'll get to this in the next section)
• driving/having a car
• open space... the vastness is truly amazing and I forgot what it looked like
• being able to swim in peace at the Y - this should really be #1
• being able to bake and cook to my heart's content, and with any ingredients I want
• watching American TV when it actually comes on - and DVR
• the politeness/orderliness/calmness of things
....Yep, that's about it.
Things I am NOT enjoying:
• I seriously feel like I'm on a different planet from everyone else around me right now. And there's no way they can get it.
• Along those lines, everyone is just going about their lives and I don't know where/how I fit in. Almost as if everyone's moved on but not quite... again, I don't know if you can get it if you haven't lived it.
• open space... it's too much and I feel like it's going to swallow me whole
• the sameness, the country-ness, the nowheresville-ness, the "is this it?" feeling
• feeling like the adventure is over... I'd be lying if I said I hadn't already looked at jobs overseas - just looked! Calm down.
• the freaking SUN. Has it always been this bright here?
I feel restless and unsettled. I desperately want to start my new life but I don't know what or where that is yet. And I am still forgetting that food scraps can go in the regular garbage.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
I can't believe it's really ending!: a list of things I will and won't miss and things I'm looking forward to
Things I'm going to miss about Korea:
• the kids
• Sarah and Kelly
• how nice and helpful most Koreans are
• Seoul
• train rides
• easy travel
• bibimbap
• how cheap stuff is
• mountains
• seasons
• Artbox
• cheesy popcorn at the movies
• being able to walk everywhere
• public transportation
• Uni Qlo
• underground subway malls
• cheap cosmetic stores
• floor heating
• the button to summon your waiter in restaurants
• the feeling of satisfaction I get after successfully navigating something unfamiliar
• a million other things I won't remember until I'm back in the states...
Things I won't miss about Korea:
• people spitting and hocking loogies anywhere and everywhere
• no toilet paper, no soap
• sometimes it takes forever to get anywhere!
• people everywhere, all the time, in my space, in the way
• people's unawareness of their surroundings
• the smell of Asia
• not always being able to find clothes in my size
• not having access to many foods, etc.
• the disorganization of working at a hagwon (and many other things about working at a hagwon)
• being stared at
• all the weird rules about shoes, bathing suits, etc.
• the "quantity over quality" mentality
• being able to go to the doctor and pharmacy for CHEAP
• and a million other things I won't remember until I'm back in the states...
Things I'm looking forward to about America:
• seeing friends and family (duh)
• HEB
• driving my car (but NOT paying for gas)
• the space
• the quiet
• no snow
• swimming and the Y
• shopping for clothes I know will fit
• working as a teacher (fingers crossed!)
• toilet paper, paper towels, liquid soap
• watching TV
• all the foods I've missed
• Target
• the great outdoors
• having a microwave, oven, and dryer
• being able to see the stars at night
• and a million other things I won't realize until I'm home!
• the kids
• Sarah and Kelly
• how nice and helpful most Koreans are
• Seoul
• train rides
• easy travel
• bibimbap
• how cheap stuff is
• mountains
• seasons
• Artbox
• cheesy popcorn at the movies
• being able to walk everywhere
• public transportation
• Uni Qlo
• underground subway malls
• cheap cosmetic stores
• floor heating
• the button to summon your waiter in restaurants
• the feeling of satisfaction I get after successfully navigating something unfamiliar
• a million other things I won't remember until I'm back in the states...
Things I won't miss about Korea:
• people spitting and hocking loogies anywhere and everywhere
• no toilet paper, no soap
• sometimes it takes forever to get anywhere!
• people everywhere, all the time, in my space, in the way
• people's unawareness of their surroundings
• the smell of Asia
• not always being able to find clothes in my size
• not having access to many foods, etc.
• the disorganization of working at a hagwon (and many other things about working at a hagwon)
• being stared at
• all the weird rules about shoes, bathing suits, etc.
• the "quantity over quality" mentality
• being able to go to the doctor and pharmacy for CHEAP
• and a million other things I won't remember until I'm back in the states...
Things I'm looking forward to about America:
• seeing friends and family (duh)
• HEB
• driving my car (but NOT paying for gas)
• the space
• the quiet
• no snow
• swimming and the Y
• shopping for clothes I know will fit
• working as a teacher (fingers crossed!)
• toilet paper, paper towels, liquid soap
• watching TV
• all the foods I've missed
• Target
• the great outdoors
• having a microwave, oven, and dryer
• being able to see the stars at night
• and a million other things I won't realize until I'm home!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
the wind down
I haven't updated in awhile. I guess I've been in a kind of "keep your head down and keep moving" sort of mode. But now it is 3 weeks until I return home, end of the year activities have commenced at school, this weekend will be my last excursion in Korea, and things are beginning to wind down.
I know these last couple of weeks may seem to go by painfully slowly, but they'll be gone before I know it. As much as I'm ready to have a little break from teaching for a couple of months, I'm really going to miss the kids. It's weird knowing I've spent so much time with them over the last year, and then all of a sudden, I'm not going to see them anymore. Ever. I was looking a pictures from the beginning of the year the other day, and they have grown so much. They will of course go on and grow up, but they will be frozen in time in my mind.
I think it's also going to be weird going back to things that seemed so normal. Driving a car, pumping gas (I seriously was thinking about whether or not I remember how to do that earlier), shopping in a full-sized grocery store, having a dishwasher, oven, and dryer, and I'm sure a million other little things I've gotten used to not doing or having. Also - hearing English all the time and watching TV. Over Thanksgiving weekend, I went to a foreigner Thanksgiving dinner, and someone had some newfangled computer thing where they were connected to their parents' DVR at home, so we could watch the Macy's parade. All of us were completely mesmerized by the American commercials. I feel like I will be that way at home for awhile.
All in all, this year has definitely been a challenge. It's had some incredibly high highs and some pretty low lows as well. I've had the thought recently that everything I was afraid of before coming to Korea this time came true. I was afraid I would be at a shady school; it could have been worse, but it was pretty sketch. I was afraid I'd have a shitty apartment - check. I was afraid I wouldn't make any friends - check (I did meet some really awesome people, just none of them lived in my city). I was afraid I would gain weight - check.
A lot of these things were beyond my control, or, even though I tried to keep them from happening, they just did anyway. That was an important lesson for me. Sometimes, you try and fail, but it can still be worth it (in that you get something different out of it than you thought you would) and you have to keep going anyway. Also, it was good for me to OVERCOME all of these things, to persevere and survive it and come out the other side rather than give up and go home.
When you look at people who live overseas' photos, it's easy to think that they are just having a blast all of the time. It's easy to be jealous and think, wow, their life is so exciting. In the moments when those pictures are taken, it really does feel like that. You can't believe you are doing what you're doing, and it feels amazing. But the day to day life of an expat is really hard. It forces you to face your demons. When you are living in a culture completely different from your own, and you don't speak the language, your core self comes out, for better or worse.
I'm glad I did it, I'm ready to go home, and although there are some things I would change, it gave me what I really needed: a direction and a really good sense of who I am, what I want, and what I am capable of.
I know these last couple of weeks may seem to go by painfully slowly, but they'll be gone before I know it. As much as I'm ready to have a little break from teaching for a couple of months, I'm really going to miss the kids. It's weird knowing I've spent so much time with them over the last year, and then all of a sudden, I'm not going to see them anymore. Ever. I was looking a pictures from the beginning of the year the other day, and they have grown so much. They will of course go on and grow up, but they will be frozen in time in my mind.
I think it's also going to be weird going back to things that seemed so normal. Driving a car, pumping gas (I seriously was thinking about whether or not I remember how to do that earlier), shopping in a full-sized grocery store, having a dishwasher, oven, and dryer, and I'm sure a million other little things I've gotten used to not doing or having. Also - hearing English all the time and watching TV. Over Thanksgiving weekend, I went to a foreigner Thanksgiving dinner, and someone had some newfangled computer thing where they were connected to their parents' DVR at home, so we could watch the Macy's parade. All of us were completely mesmerized by the American commercials. I feel like I will be that way at home for awhile.
All in all, this year has definitely been a challenge. It's had some incredibly high highs and some pretty low lows as well. I've had the thought recently that everything I was afraid of before coming to Korea this time came true. I was afraid I would be at a shady school; it could have been worse, but it was pretty sketch. I was afraid I'd have a shitty apartment - check. I was afraid I wouldn't make any friends - check (I did meet some really awesome people, just none of them lived in my city). I was afraid I would gain weight - check.
A lot of these things were beyond my control, or, even though I tried to keep them from happening, they just did anyway. That was an important lesson for me. Sometimes, you try and fail, but it can still be worth it (in that you get something different out of it than you thought you would) and you have to keep going anyway. Also, it was good for me to OVERCOME all of these things, to persevere and survive it and come out the other side rather than give up and go home.
When you look at people who live overseas' photos, it's easy to think that they are just having a blast all of the time. It's easy to be jealous and think, wow, their life is so exciting. In the moments when those pictures are taken, it really does feel like that. You can't believe you are doing what you're doing, and it feels amazing. But the day to day life of an expat is really hard. It forces you to face your demons. When you are living in a culture completely different from your own, and you don't speak the language, your core self comes out, for better or worse.
I'm glad I did it, I'm ready to go home, and although there are some things I would change, it gave me what I really needed: a direction and a really good sense of who I am, what I want, and what I am capable of.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
my not-exactly resolutions
Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted, if anyone even reads this. Writing helps me work out my thoughts, but sometimes I get too depressed to write, or not even depressed, simply that I don't feel like working out my thoughts and I just want to let them fester. Or I don't want to deal with it.
Anyway, I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. But today, it feels right to update. I have successfully made it through 2012. One of the hardest yet most rewarding thus far. I feel, more than ever now, that I know what I want and what I don't want. This year has been full of things that made me incredibly happy and things that made me incredibly sad. So, to sum up, I'm going to make two sets of lists: a list of happy things, a list of sad things, a list of things I want, and a list of things I don't want. Here we go.
Things this year that made me happy:
• proving to myself that I could survive a year overseas (58 days to go!)
• being able to travel so much
• having disposable income
• the few friends I've made/gotten closer to this year
• discovering that I do want to be a teacher
• forgiving myself for leaving Korea early before
• most recently, going to Thailand and remembering who I am and that I can put myself out there and get along with new people
Things that made me sad:
• literally never feeling more alone in my life
• watching other people have these great bonds with co-workers, etc., while at my school friendships between the teachers are not encouraged... it doesn't seem fair
• to go along with that, always feeling on the outside when I hang out with my friends and their co-workers, even though they are all so nice, it just happens
• learning that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you are not going to win
• becoming entirely disillusioned with the Korean education system, among other things
• getting away from things that are really important to me, like health
Things I want moving forward:
• to become a teacher in the states
• to stay somewhere long enough to form lasting relationships
• to be able to do things I love, like swimming and cooking
• to be a part of my friends' and family's day to day lives again
• to be able to travel more and have more adventures
• to feel like I'm not on the outside anymore, to stop being afraid to actually be a part of things
Things I don't want:
• to live overseas anymore
• to keep drifting
• to feel like I'm losing myself
• to feel like I'm on the outside... I know this is a bit repetitive
• to keep being in situations where I have a countdown to the day I get to leave
• to keep running away
• to feel trapped... I declare RIGHT NOW, that I'm not going to allow myself to feel that way
These are not exactly New Year's resolutions, but it's fitting to write this all out on New Year's Day. I know that a lot of these things that I want are going to take time and are not going to come easy. But I finally feel ready to start and ready to shed some layers. I saw it quoted recently that "growing hurts," and I think I've grown tremendously this year, and it was painful but worth it. And I know I have more growing left to do. So happy new year, my few readers. Bring on the next chapter!
Anyway, I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. But today, it feels right to update. I have successfully made it through 2012. One of the hardest yet most rewarding thus far. I feel, more than ever now, that I know what I want and what I don't want. This year has been full of things that made me incredibly happy and things that made me incredibly sad. So, to sum up, I'm going to make two sets of lists: a list of happy things, a list of sad things, a list of things I want, and a list of things I don't want. Here we go.
Things this year that made me happy:
• proving to myself that I could survive a year overseas (58 days to go!)
• being able to travel so much
• having disposable income
• the few friends I've made/gotten closer to this year
• discovering that I do want to be a teacher
• forgiving myself for leaving Korea early before
• most recently, going to Thailand and remembering who I am and that I can put myself out there and get along with new people
Things that made me sad:
• literally never feeling more alone in my life
• watching other people have these great bonds with co-workers, etc., while at my school friendships between the teachers are not encouraged... it doesn't seem fair
• to go along with that, always feeling on the outside when I hang out with my friends and their co-workers, even though they are all so nice, it just happens
• learning that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you are not going to win
• becoming entirely disillusioned with the Korean education system, among other things
• getting away from things that are really important to me, like health
Things I want moving forward:
• to become a teacher in the states
• to stay somewhere long enough to form lasting relationships
• to be able to do things I love, like swimming and cooking
• to be a part of my friends' and family's day to day lives again
• to be able to travel more and have more adventures
• to feel like I'm not on the outside anymore, to stop being afraid to actually be a part of things
Things I don't want:
• to live overseas anymore
• to keep drifting
• to feel like I'm losing myself
• to feel like I'm on the outside... I know this is a bit repetitive
• to keep being in situations where I have a countdown to the day I get to leave
• to keep running away
• to feel trapped... I declare RIGHT NOW, that I'm not going to allow myself to feel that way
These are not exactly New Year's resolutions, but it's fitting to write this all out on New Year's Day. I know that a lot of these things that I want are going to take time and are not going to come easy. But I finally feel ready to start and ready to shed some layers. I saw it quoted recently that "growing hurts," and I think I've grown tremendously this year, and it was painful but worth it. And I know I have more growing left to do. So happy new year, my few readers. Bring on the next chapter!
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