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Thursday, March 14, 2013

it's not home anymore

Transitional depression is very real. Well, sometimes it's depression, sometimes it's anxiety or overall restlessness, really it's just feeling out of place and trying to find where you fit. And sometimes, that makes you want to give up and stay in bed all day. Or find reasons to not be in your house.

This time around for me, I know what I want to do, but I can't pick up and do it right now. I was telling someone the other day that this is the first time I've moved home and it doesn't feel like home anymore. I used to kind of secretly be okay with my parents being around all the time, being in the house and town I grew up in. I mean, I never wanted to be here long term, but I was okay with being here for a couple of months or so.

This time, I've been here just shy of two weeks, and I can't wait to get out of here. It feels like I don't belong. I'm terrified of wherever I'm going next, but I'm still ready to go. I'm going to be applying for teaching jobs for the fall (which also means I'm pretty much stuck here through the summer). I really want to move to Austin or San Antonio.

Adjusting is a funny thing. It's obvious at first; it's things like going to turn the gas on before you cook something and then realizing you don't have to do that here. It's constantly almost walking into people because you're used to the way they walk in Asia. But how do you know when you're done adjusting? I mean, obviously, I'm not, it hasn't been long enough. But I don't feel like I'm having these shocking moments or that I don't know how to function in Western culture. I think it's more my general feelings of uneasiness. And I think I'll know when I'm adjusted when I can look back on this time and see how weird it was. And right now, part of me doesn't want to be adjusted. I don't want to file away the last year just yet. I don't want be another American, walking around like nothing matters outside our isolated continent.

But then again, I don't think I could anymore, ever. That was kind of the whole point.

So, to sum up: I want to start the next chapter, but I'm not quite ready to let go of the last one. But in the meantime, I am DEFINITELY ready to get out of here.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

reverse culture shock

Ok, I know everyone's getting sick of me and my crises. This isn't really a crisis, but an outlet for... an adjustment period. For things I don't know how to deal with yet.

As I seem to like to do lately, I'm going to sort this into list format:

Things I am enjoying about being home:
• family and friends (although... it's not like I thought it would be. I'll get to this in the next section)
• driving/having a car
• open space... the vastness is truly amazing and I forgot what it looked like
• being able to swim in peace at the Y - this should really be #1
• being able to bake and cook to my heart's content, and with any ingredients I want
• watching American TV when it actually comes on - and DVR
• the politeness/orderliness/calmness of things
....Yep, that's about it.

Things I am NOT enjoying:
• I seriously feel like I'm on a different planet from everyone else around me right now. And there's no way they can get it.
• Along those lines, everyone is just going about their lives and I don't know where/how I fit in. Almost as if everyone's moved on but not quite... again, I don't know if you can get it if you haven't lived it.
• open space... it's too much and I feel like it's going to swallow me whole
• the sameness, the country-ness, the nowheresville-ness, the "is this it?" feeling
• feeling like the adventure is over... I'd be lying if I said I hadn't already looked at jobs overseas - just looked! Calm down.
• the freaking SUN. Has it always been this bright here?

I feel restless and unsettled. I desperately want to start my new life but I don't know what or where that is yet. And I am still forgetting that food scraps can go in the regular garbage.