So today, once I got over the hangover, I started thinking about how lucky I am. I know that sounds like a cliche, but I was talking to Emily on Skype earlier today, and we were talking about how close my mom and I have gotten over the past few years. Emily said that when we were younger (and Emily has known me my whole life), she wouldn't have expected that. So I'm grateful for that. And I was thinking about how all of my family is pretty much healthy and going strong. I forget to appreciate that sometimes. I've been realizing lately how important family is to me. Even a year ago, I probably wouldn't have said that.
I received a HUGE compliment last night which further confirmed what I want/need to be doing with my life. I've really been trying to respect myself more. I mean, it's not that I don't respect myself. I'm not a huge whore or anything. It's more a confidence issue with me, and of course I've known that for awhile, but I feel like I'm making improvements for the first time in a long time. The times when I've felt the most confident were when I finished my first semester of grad school, when I did the triathlon, when I was actively involved with FAST (Fort Worth Area Swim Team), and when I went to Prague all by myself and figured out how to survive. But that was almost 10 months ago now. That's a long time to feel bad about yourself. It's a long time to not really take care of yourself, which is what I meant by not respecting myself. I started to get healthier right before I left for Korea, but then when I got here, everything turned upside down for awhile as it always does when you make a huge life change like that.
So, for awhile, I've felt like I don't recognize myself. There have been times I couldn't even look in the mirror and look myself in the eye. I feel like the person I was a year, two years ago is hiding inside me...that sounds weird. The irony is that I was really lost then too, but in a different way. For example, when I dropped out of grad school, I was terrified and I had no idea where my life was going....like not even a little bit. It was like I was watching it all happen to somebody else. Looking back now, I can't believe how naive I was or the things I used to get so stressed out about. I had no idea. I'm sure in a couple years when I look back on this time, I'll think that I have no idea right now. But there's nothing wrong with that. I think what I'm trying to do now is to put it all together. I want to be the happy, healthy person I was before (although a little wiser), but I want to have direction too. I don't need to have it all figured out, because let's face it, that's impossible, but at least I know what I want.
Ok. Moving on. The other thing I want to discuss is that I think I might be ready to date someone. It's definitely been awhile for me (which really isn't unusual), but I'm really lonely. It would be nice to have someone to do things with, to share my life with, etc. I know I have some stuff I need to work out before I should let anyone else into my world of crazy, but I do feel like I have the confidence now to date successfully (and by that I mean see through the bullshit and the mind games). I'm not really worried about it too much though. It'll happen eventually, and I have plenty of friends to help with the loneliness. They're my number ones anyway.
Also, I feel very lucky to currently live in a place with the beach and the mountains. It's been so beautiful outside lately with all of the fall colors. I'm not used to that, but I like it.
