I wish I could take all the people I love with me wherever I go.
I'm getting really sad about leaving Korea, which I didn't think I would. If I had pulled a midnight run in October which I wanted to do but couldn't afford, I'm not sure I would feel this way. Of course, I'm glad I didn't do that, but it's funny what a difference 3 months can make. Let me clarify: I am NOT sad about leaving my job. A little sad that I'm never going to see some of my kids again, but that's not enough to make me want to stay. No, I'm sad that I won't be living abroad anymore (although I know I'm ready to live in the U.S. again), and I'm sad about leaving all of my friends here.
If I could, I would keep all my people from Korea, Prague, Corpus Christi, and Granbury with me all the time. I would take them with me every time I moved to a new place. And I would take my family too. I know the world doesn't work that way, and we're just passing each other on our own individual journeys, and sometimes we happen to stay in the same place for awhile. I know leaving doesn't mean we won't be friends anymore, but it won't be the same. I've made too many important decisions in my life based on where my friends were going to be and what they were doing. I know that I'll make new friends and I won't forget the old ones, but big changes are scary. I'm trying, though. I'm trying to do what's right for me, even though it's hard.
It's totally weird and sad (even though Korea isn't one of my favorite places in the world...not that I don't like it) that every time I've been somewhere in the past few days, and in the next week before I leave, it's the last time I will probably ever be in that place. It's gone from, for example, I could go to Nampodong this weekend for something to do, to this is the last time I will ever see Nampodong, so I better take it all in.
I firmly believe that you have to mourn your losses, whatever those losses may be. Sometimes it's the break up, or the end of a friendship. Sometimes, it's more final, like the death of a loved one (and I was reminded this week of how real that is). And sometimes, it's the loss of a dream, a lifestyle, or moving away from a place that was home to you for awhile. When I moved from Corpus back to Granbury a year and a half ago, I really missed Corpus for awhile. I had to mourn the loss of Corpus as my home. When I left Prague, I went through a similar process. When I leave here, I expect I'll feel the same way for a little while. It's the end of my dream to live overseas, the end of my teaching career, the end of me doing any serious traveling for awhile (until I have some money saved up, and who knows how long that will take), and of course, the end of me living day to day life with the fifteen or so people that I've shared the last 4 months of my life with. That may not seem like a long time, but when you're out of the country and living in this situation, you form a deeper bond with people.
I'm not saying this is the end of me having dreams. Now, I have new dreams, and in a way, I'm pursuing dreams that I've always had but never had the confidence to go after (my writing career and really establishing myself in a place to stay for awhile and have a real life). And I know I will go back overseas someday to at least do some serious traveling. And I have had some major self revelations while I've been here, which are priceless to me. I'm okay with being a permanent resident of Texas, and I welcome the opportunity to embrace my home and just be there. I haven't had the chance to just be for awhile, and I'm looking forward to that.
I don't know where my life will take me, and it might take me to another new place, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy the ride and being at home. Even though I know my home is really wherever I am and where I allow myself to be happy. That's all I want. Home is where I have people to support me, and if I've learned anything through the past two years, it's that I have that all over the world.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Well, if you don't know already, I have decided to leave Korea.
It was a difficult decision in some ways, but in others, it was easy. It's just time. I know all the arguments against it--it's only a year, it's a once in a lifetime experience, etc., etc. But for me, it's time. And, more importantly, I have spent the past two years (probably longer than that) searching for something. Identity, purpose, a sense of belonging, happiness. I thought my location was the problem. I thought that I wasn't meant to be in Texas or even the U.S. But, as it turns out, everything that I traveled halfway around the world to find was inside me the whole time.
It's not that I haven't enjoyed my travel experiences. I definitely have, and I'm so glad that I did all of this. I met some amazing people, did some things I'll never forget, and even the times that sucked ass and all the work I did to make these experiences possible (namely, saving up for five months so I could go to Prague) were worth it. Those were all great feelings of accomplishment.
I guess, in some ways, home is where the heart is. I'm sad to leave my friends here, and I'm even a little sad to leave the excitement of traveling around a foreign country, but my excitement and optimism about going home and moving to San Antonio far outweigh those feelings. The big thing is my career change. I really, truly hate teaching. I'm now on the path to what I really want to do, and have always wanted to do but never really thought I could, which is writing. I got an internship at San Antonio Magazine where I will be writing about local music and literature, not to mention all the experience I'm going to get just working in that environment.
And, of course, there's grad school. I'm going for two reasons: a personal goal to finish my Master's degree, and to gain more skills to be more competitive in the job market. I'm so excited about both of these new things in my life. I'm a little nervous, to be honest, but it finally feels like things are working in my favor, and I'm really committed to what I'm doing. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
I'm not completely where I want to be yet, of course, but at least I have an idea of where I want to be, which is more than I can say for myself even just three months ago. And I have so much more confidence, inner calm, and drive now. I've pulled myself out of the hole.
There are still a few details I need to iron out, like a part time job, a possible graduate assistantship that would really help with my tuition, and personal stuff like gym memberships and a cell phone (trivial, I know, but it's on my mind), but I know it will be fine. I've already found a roommate, and she seems really cool, the price is right, and it's a house, which is really exciting to me since I've only lived in apartments besides my parents' house. So, I'm excited for my last two weeks in Korea which will include my weekend in Seoul with Amanda and my parents' visit, and I'm so ready to go home and to be a Texan for the rest of my life. (But still travel recreationally).
It was a difficult decision in some ways, but in others, it was easy. It's just time. I know all the arguments against it--it's only a year, it's a once in a lifetime experience, etc., etc. But for me, it's time. And, more importantly, I have spent the past two years (probably longer than that) searching for something. Identity, purpose, a sense of belonging, happiness. I thought my location was the problem. I thought that I wasn't meant to be in Texas or even the U.S. But, as it turns out, everything that I traveled halfway around the world to find was inside me the whole time.
It's not that I haven't enjoyed my travel experiences. I definitely have, and I'm so glad that I did all of this. I met some amazing people, did some things I'll never forget, and even the times that sucked ass and all the work I did to make these experiences possible (namely, saving up for five months so I could go to Prague) were worth it. Those were all great feelings of accomplishment.
I guess, in some ways, home is where the heart is. I'm sad to leave my friends here, and I'm even a little sad to leave the excitement of traveling around a foreign country, but my excitement and optimism about going home and moving to San Antonio far outweigh those feelings. The big thing is my career change. I really, truly hate teaching. I'm now on the path to what I really want to do, and have always wanted to do but never really thought I could, which is writing. I got an internship at San Antonio Magazine where I will be writing about local music and literature, not to mention all the experience I'm going to get just working in that environment.
And, of course, there's grad school. I'm going for two reasons: a personal goal to finish my Master's degree, and to gain more skills to be more competitive in the job market. I'm so excited about both of these new things in my life. I'm a little nervous, to be honest, but it finally feels like things are working in my favor, and I'm really committed to what I'm doing. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
I'm not completely where I want to be yet, of course, but at least I have an idea of where I want to be, which is more than I can say for myself even just three months ago. And I have so much more confidence, inner calm, and drive now. I've pulled myself out of the hole.
There are still a few details I need to iron out, like a part time job, a possible graduate assistantship that would really help with my tuition, and personal stuff like gym memberships and a cell phone (trivial, I know, but it's on my mind), but I know it will be fine. I've already found a roommate, and she seems really cool, the price is right, and it's a house, which is really exciting to me since I've only lived in apartments besides my parents' house. So, I'm excited for my last two weeks in Korea which will include my weekend in Seoul with Amanda and my parents' visit, and I'm so ready to go home and to be a Texan for the rest of my life. (But still travel recreationally).
Sunday, December 6, 2009
conscious decisions
I've been feeling a little under the weather for the past few days, so I spent the ENTIRE weekend in bed watching old seasons of The Biggest Loser.
I had already decided that I was going to change my life, and I now feel that way more than ever. I know that sounds cheesy, but this is the most inspiring thing to me right now. I guess I've just been grasping, trying find some source of hope, and I found it in a reality show. That's okay, I think.
Anybody who's known me for awhile knows that my weight has been a yo-yo since I was 12 or 13 years old. I love sports, I love to exercise, and I love health and nutrition. The problem is that I don't always practice what I believe in, and that I go in cycles. I will do awesome for awhile, sometimes for a year or two at a time, and then I just let it all go to crap. And when I do that, I do it in a big, big way.
But what I'm realizing by watching this show (and I've heard it said before, of course, but now I actually believe it) is that it's not about the weight. I have a food addiction, but it's not even about the food. It's about WHY I gain the weight, and WHY I eat the food. Every time I go on a downward spiral, it starts because I feel lonely, scared, hopeless, restless, worthless, that I'm in some kind of desperate situation, or a combination of all of those. It's like I know that something's not clicking with me but I don't know how to make it click.
I'm also realizing that the state of my bedroom and my eating/exercise habits are a direct reflection of how I'm feeling inside. I always thought that I was just disorganized. And it's true--I think organization will always be hard for me because it doesn't come naturally. But this goes beyond that. For the past week, I've been sleeping next to a pile of clothes and other miscellaneous items on my bed. It would be pretty easy to just put all of that stuff away, but I haven't done it. My eating and exercise habits are currently just as chaotic as my bedroom, and this is an outward reflection of feeling chaotic inside.
I've said recently, and I still believe it to be true, that I finally feel like I know what path I want to take in life, or at least where I want to go from here. And I do, but I'm still finding it hard to live day to day. Change is really fucking hard. Especially a fundamental change. Every time I've lost the weight in the past I've told myself that my lifestyle doesn't have to change, I can do all the same things and just include intense work outs into my schedule. And that works for awhile, but then I run out of steam and the old habits win.
So, I think the key will be to let myself feel what I'm feeling. If I feel sad or scared and I start eating, I feel numb. But the problem doesn't go away. If I just let myself feel what I'm feeling, I can work through it and then move past it. Also, operating from one conscious decision to another will help. If I take my life from one decision to work out and one decision to eat healthy or go to bed at a reasonable time, a healthy lifestyle isn't so daunting. And of course, since I enjoy exercising and healthy cooking, that part isn't really so hard for me. What's hard is developing the healthy coping skills. Because again, it's not about the food.
Realizing that is, I think, the difference between this time and all the times before. Another huge difference is that I. AM. WORTH. IT. And I believe that now. It's hard, but I'm working on believing it and not accepting being a failure. Because being a failure is another conscious choice. I'm not going to let my life just pass me by and be mediocre. I might have to work at it everyday, and sometimes I might have to pick myself up again. But I'll do it.
Another key is finding a balance. This goes back to making one conscious decision at a time. But sometimes, it's ok to have a glass of wine or a real dessert. It's okay to go out sometimes. It's okay to live your life.
But I'm soooo excited to start training again! Triathlons, I'm coming back! I'm excited to be myself again. The self that I love, and the self I need to remember. I'm going to be myself more than ever now, and I am so thrilled.
I had already decided that I was going to change my life, and I now feel that way more than ever. I know that sounds cheesy, but this is the most inspiring thing to me right now. I guess I've just been grasping, trying find some source of hope, and I found it in a reality show. That's okay, I think.
Anybody who's known me for awhile knows that my weight has been a yo-yo since I was 12 or 13 years old. I love sports, I love to exercise, and I love health and nutrition. The problem is that I don't always practice what I believe in, and that I go in cycles. I will do awesome for awhile, sometimes for a year or two at a time, and then I just let it all go to crap. And when I do that, I do it in a big, big way.
But what I'm realizing by watching this show (and I've heard it said before, of course, but now I actually believe it) is that it's not about the weight. I have a food addiction, but it's not even about the food. It's about WHY I gain the weight, and WHY I eat the food. Every time I go on a downward spiral, it starts because I feel lonely, scared, hopeless, restless, worthless, that I'm in some kind of desperate situation, or a combination of all of those. It's like I know that something's not clicking with me but I don't know how to make it click.
I'm also realizing that the state of my bedroom and my eating/exercise habits are a direct reflection of how I'm feeling inside. I always thought that I was just disorganized. And it's true--I think organization will always be hard for me because it doesn't come naturally. But this goes beyond that. For the past week, I've been sleeping next to a pile of clothes and other miscellaneous items on my bed. It would be pretty easy to just put all of that stuff away, but I haven't done it. My eating and exercise habits are currently just as chaotic as my bedroom, and this is an outward reflection of feeling chaotic inside.
I've said recently, and I still believe it to be true, that I finally feel like I know what path I want to take in life, or at least where I want to go from here. And I do, but I'm still finding it hard to live day to day. Change is really fucking hard. Especially a fundamental change. Every time I've lost the weight in the past I've told myself that my lifestyle doesn't have to change, I can do all the same things and just include intense work outs into my schedule. And that works for awhile, but then I run out of steam and the old habits win.
So, I think the key will be to let myself feel what I'm feeling. If I feel sad or scared and I start eating, I feel numb. But the problem doesn't go away. If I just let myself feel what I'm feeling, I can work through it and then move past it. Also, operating from one conscious decision to another will help. If I take my life from one decision to work out and one decision to eat healthy or go to bed at a reasonable time, a healthy lifestyle isn't so daunting. And of course, since I enjoy exercising and healthy cooking, that part isn't really so hard for me. What's hard is developing the healthy coping skills. Because again, it's not about the food.
Realizing that is, I think, the difference between this time and all the times before. Another huge difference is that I. AM. WORTH. IT. And I believe that now. It's hard, but I'm working on believing it and not accepting being a failure. Because being a failure is another conscious choice. I'm not going to let my life just pass me by and be mediocre. I might have to work at it everyday, and sometimes I might have to pick myself up again. But I'll do it.
Another key is finding a balance. This goes back to making one conscious decision at a time. But sometimes, it's ok to have a glass of wine or a real dessert. It's okay to go out sometimes. It's okay to live your life.
But I'm soooo excited to start training again! Triathlons, I'm coming back! I'm excited to be myself again. The self that I love, and the self I need to remember. I'm going to be myself more than ever now, and I am so thrilled.
Friday, November 20, 2009
confidence, recognition, and family
So today, once I got over the hangover, I started thinking about how lucky I am. I know that sounds like a cliche, but I was talking to Emily on Skype earlier today, and we were talking about how close my mom and I have gotten over the past few years. Emily said that when we were younger (and Emily has known me my whole life), she wouldn't have expected that. So I'm grateful for that. And I was thinking about how all of my family is pretty much healthy and going strong. I forget to appreciate that sometimes. I've been realizing lately how important family is to me. Even a year ago, I probably wouldn't have said that.
I received a HUGE compliment last night which further confirmed what I want/need to be doing with my life. I've really been trying to respect myself more. I mean, it's not that I don't respect myself. I'm not a huge whore or anything. It's more a confidence issue with me, and of course I've known that for awhile, but I feel like I'm making improvements for the first time in a long time. The times when I've felt the most confident were when I finished my first semester of grad school, when I did the triathlon, when I was actively involved with FAST (Fort Worth Area Swim Team), and when I went to Prague all by myself and figured out how to survive. But that was almost 10 months ago now. That's a long time to feel bad about yourself. It's a long time to not really take care of yourself, which is what I meant by not respecting myself. I started to get healthier right before I left for Korea, but then when I got here, everything turned upside down for awhile as it always does when you make a huge life change like that.
So, for awhile, I've felt like I don't recognize myself. There have been times I couldn't even look in the mirror and look myself in the eye. I feel like the person I was a year, two years ago is hiding inside me...that sounds weird. The irony is that I was really lost then too, but in a different way. For example, when I dropped out of grad school, I was terrified and I had no idea where my life was going....like not even a little bit. It was like I was watching it all happen to somebody else. Looking back now, I can't believe how naive I was or the things I used to get so stressed out about. I had no idea. I'm sure in a couple years when I look back on this time, I'll think that I have no idea right now. But there's nothing wrong with that. I think what I'm trying to do now is to put it all together. I want to be the happy, healthy person I was before (although a little wiser), but I want to have direction too. I don't need to have it all figured out, because let's face it, that's impossible, but at least I know what I want.
Ok. Moving on. The other thing I want to discuss is that I think I might be ready to date someone. It's definitely been awhile for me (which really isn't unusual), but I'm really lonely. It would be nice to have someone to do things with, to share my life with, etc. I know I have some stuff I need to work out before I should let anyone else into my world of crazy, but I do feel like I have the confidence now to date successfully (and by that I mean see through the bullshit and the mind games). I'm not really worried about it too much though. It'll happen eventually, and I have plenty of friends to help with the loneliness. They're my number ones anyway.
Also, I feel very lucky to currently live in a place with the beach and the mountains. It's been so beautiful outside lately with all of the fall colors. I'm not used to that, but I like it.
I received a HUGE compliment last night which further confirmed what I want/need to be doing with my life. I've really been trying to respect myself more. I mean, it's not that I don't respect myself. I'm not a huge whore or anything. It's more a confidence issue with me, and of course I've known that for awhile, but I feel like I'm making improvements for the first time in a long time. The times when I've felt the most confident were when I finished my first semester of grad school, when I did the triathlon, when I was actively involved with FAST (Fort Worth Area Swim Team), and when I went to Prague all by myself and figured out how to survive. But that was almost 10 months ago now. That's a long time to feel bad about yourself. It's a long time to not really take care of yourself, which is what I meant by not respecting myself. I started to get healthier right before I left for Korea, but then when I got here, everything turned upside down for awhile as it always does when you make a huge life change like that.
So, for awhile, I've felt like I don't recognize myself. There have been times I couldn't even look in the mirror and look myself in the eye. I feel like the person I was a year, two years ago is hiding inside me...that sounds weird. The irony is that I was really lost then too, but in a different way. For example, when I dropped out of grad school, I was terrified and I had no idea where my life was going....like not even a little bit. It was like I was watching it all happen to somebody else. Looking back now, I can't believe how naive I was or the things I used to get so stressed out about. I had no idea. I'm sure in a couple years when I look back on this time, I'll think that I have no idea right now. But there's nothing wrong with that. I think what I'm trying to do now is to put it all together. I want to be the happy, healthy person I was before (although a little wiser), but I want to have direction too. I don't need to have it all figured out, because let's face it, that's impossible, but at least I know what I want.
Ok. Moving on. The other thing I want to discuss is that I think I might be ready to date someone. It's definitely been awhile for me (which really isn't unusual), but I'm really lonely. It would be nice to have someone to do things with, to share my life with, etc. I know I have some stuff I need to work out before I should let anyone else into my world of crazy, but I do feel like I have the confidence now to date successfully (and by that I mean see through the bullshit and the mind games). I'm not really worried about it too much though. It'll happen eventually, and I have plenty of friends to help with the loneliness. They're my number ones anyway.
Also, I feel very lucky to currently live in a place with the beach and the mountains. It's been so beautiful outside lately with all of the fall colors. I'm not used to that, but I like it.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
mistakes...and inner calm
I'm still struggling through, but it's getting better. This week, I've had a new attitude. I've decided to just enjoy it and not sweat the small stuff. There's no reason for me to get all worked up about every little thing that doesn't go smoothly. It just makes me angry/stressed out/miserable anyway, so there's no place for that. I'm learning to center myself in a chaotic world.
I think I'm getting along better with my coworkers too. I'm starting to feel like less of an outsider. I'm going to compare this experience so far to freshman year of college. At first, everything is new and exciting, and you're having a blast. Then, reality, day to day life, sets in. Things get really hard. You think that you hate college, you hate the place you chose to go to, you don't know who you are anymore. But then, you keep going, just going through the motions to get by, and then you come to peace with it and maybe even like it. It's kind of like fake it till you make it, which is something I say to myself a lot.
All of this doesn't mean everything I said in my previous post isn't true, especially the stuff about learning that I do belong and want to be at home and that I'm finally figuring out what I want to do. But what I am also learning/discovering now is how to have inner calm and happiness wherever I am and whatever the circumstances, even if they're not what I really want or expected.
I have made some pretty huge mistakes in my life. None of them really turned out to be mistakes, and that isn't because I learned from them. They weren't mistakes because they all led me to different things that I would've never done without them. People I never would've met and now can't imagine not knowing. That's not the same thing as learning from your mistakes, although I like to think I've done a little of that too. Even if I do revert back to self-destructive patterns sometimes.
I'm just trying to find my way, and I've learned (besides the importance of calming down) that I don't like to leave stones unturned. I don't like unanswered questions. I hate the what ifs. And I don't regret not having many of those. Even if there are some sucky periods in between my endeavors. This is just one of the many things I've learned about myself, and I'm still peeling the onion (wow, I'm full of cliches right now!).
That said, I do think I need to bring out some of myself that's been a little dormant for the past few weeks. I don't need to let a job or anything else beat/wear me down. I need to regain my sense of adventure. And I need to stop being such a hermit (while still watching my budget!).
I'm taking steps. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
I think I'm getting along better with my coworkers too. I'm starting to feel like less of an outsider. I'm going to compare this experience so far to freshman year of college. At first, everything is new and exciting, and you're having a blast. Then, reality, day to day life, sets in. Things get really hard. You think that you hate college, you hate the place you chose to go to, you don't know who you are anymore. But then, you keep going, just going through the motions to get by, and then you come to peace with it and maybe even like it. It's kind of like fake it till you make it, which is something I say to myself a lot.
All of this doesn't mean everything I said in my previous post isn't true, especially the stuff about learning that I do belong and want to be at home and that I'm finally figuring out what I want to do. But what I am also learning/discovering now is how to have inner calm and happiness wherever I am and whatever the circumstances, even if they're not what I really want or expected.
I have made some pretty huge mistakes in my life. None of them really turned out to be mistakes, and that isn't because I learned from them. They weren't mistakes because they all led me to different things that I would've never done without them. People I never would've met and now can't imagine not knowing. That's not the same thing as learning from your mistakes, although I like to think I've done a little of that too. Even if I do revert back to self-destructive patterns sometimes.
I'm just trying to find my way, and I've learned (besides the importance of calming down) that I don't like to leave stones unturned. I don't like unanswered questions. I hate the what ifs. And I don't regret not having many of those. Even if there are some sucky periods in between my endeavors. This is just one of the many things I've learned about myself, and I'm still peeling the onion (wow, I'm full of cliches right now!).
That said, I do think I need to bring out some of myself that's been a little dormant for the past few weeks. I don't need to let a job or anything else beat/wear me down. I need to regain my sense of adventure. And I need to stop being such a hermit (while still watching my budget!).
I'm taking steps. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
self discovery
People say that time goes by super fast in Korea. I'm still waiting to experience that. I mean, the weeks individually go by pretty fast, it's true. And work doesn't seem as bad when I'm actually there as it does when I'm away from work and thinking about it. It's just that it feels like I've been here for a LIFETIME, and I've only been here 7 weeks. It feels like there's no end in sight (even though logically I know there really is). And I know the time will go by fast, I just have to stop thinking about it ALL the time.
It makes me a little sad that I'm so anxious for the time to go by. But I'm over just enjoying the experience (although I really am trying!). I definitely have this whole living overseas thing out of my system. For real. I'm glad I did it. I wouldn't want to live my whole life and never know what would've happened. But when I get back to Texas, I'm only leaving it to go on vacation. And I won't even do that for awhile.
The positive is that I do finally feel like I'm starting to find myself again. I finally feel like I know what I want, and that I know where my home is, and I can just be comfortable there and not always wishing I was out discovering new places.
So, self-discovery, I'm here. But now that I'm here, can I please just go home? Now?
I know later, when this is over, I'll be glad I stuck it out and that I had the experience. I know it will make me a stronger person, and I need to be a stronger person. I need to learn to chill out and just let time take its course.
Thank God for Skype. And Surf the Channel.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
On a totally different note, I think I'm going to go to Seoul for a long Saturday after my December paycheck. That's something to look forward to. Besides my parents coming. Thinking about them being here is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going.
It makes me a little sad that I'm so anxious for the time to go by. But I'm over just enjoying the experience (although I really am trying!). I definitely have this whole living overseas thing out of my system. For real. I'm glad I did it. I wouldn't want to live my whole life and never know what would've happened. But when I get back to Texas, I'm only leaving it to go on vacation. And I won't even do that for awhile.
The positive is that I do finally feel like I'm starting to find myself again. I finally feel like I know what I want, and that I know where my home is, and I can just be comfortable there and not always wishing I was out discovering new places.
So, self-discovery, I'm here. But now that I'm here, can I please just go home? Now?
I know later, when this is over, I'll be glad I stuck it out and that I had the experience. I know it will make me a stronger person, and I need to be a stronger person. I need to learn to chill out and just let time take its course.
Thank God for Skype. And Surf the Channel.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
On a totally different note, I think I'm going to go to Seoul for a long Saturday after my December paycheck. That's something to look forward to. Besides my parents coming. Thinking about them being here is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
When does it stop?
I have never wanted to go home as much as I do right now. I know it wouldn’t solve any of my problems. But I feel like I don’t know how to get better here. I can’t get any of the healthy foods I’m used to turning to (except for fruits and vegetables, of course). I don’t have anything to cook with but two burners, I don’t know how to talk to the people at the pool, I hate hate hate teaching. I like some, ok most, of my kids, but I don’t know if I can last a year. I honestly don’t. I want to. I want to finish, just for the sake of finishing. I want my parents to come visit me here. I want to like it. I want to look back on it as this amazing experience. But right now, I don’t know if I can.
Here’s what I’m scared of: I won’t be able to stop my self-destructive habits. I’ll just keep getting larger and larger. I’m already bigger than I ever thought I would let myself be. When does it stop? I’m also scared I won’t be careful enough with my money and I won’t save/I’ll have to ask my parents for help again. I’m 24 years old. When does it stop? I’m scared I’ll close myself off so much there’s no turning back.
Going overseas was supposed to change me for the better. It wasn’t supposed to waste two years of my life. It was supposed to move me forward. But right now, all I want is to be the person I was a year ago. If you told me that a year ago, I’d never have believed you. I just wish the person I was a year ago could’ve just let herself be happy at home. Because right now, that’s all I want.
I’m trying to remember what Amanda said: This will pass.
When does it stop?Thursday, October 8, 2009
bad foreign week
I think this has been the hardest week since I got here. Mostly the past couple of days. I think this might even be harder than the first week, but it's hard to say.
Today, to use a Terryism (from Prague), I had a "bad foreign day." Days when nothing goes right and you just want to go home and it's easy to blame it on the country. But it was more than that.
Last week, I felt like I was finally making friends and starting to fit in. This week, I couldn't feel farther from fitting in or less like I belong. I don't think these people really like me, or even know me. I don't know how to make them know me. I don't know if they even want to.
Also, last week and the week before, I felt like I was doing pretty well at the teaching thing. This week, I feel like a terrible teacher. I'm pretty sure the kids don't like me (which while not the most fun thing in the world, is kind of ok because I don't like a lot of them either). But it's still not easy to walk into a classroom knowing the kids aren't happy to see you. Plus, I feel like my bosses are all on my back again after they'd kind of left me alone for a couple of weeks. Thank God for Meejee and Ellie. They are the only ones who I feel like are really on my side. And they have to see my tears most of the time, which....I'm sorry for, for their sakes, but if someone has to see me cry, I'm glad it's them.
And then, of course, there's the Cost Co incident. So, yeah, I go there forgetting everything is GIGANTIC and that I have no efficient way of getting all that shit home. So, I fill up my cart anyway thinking I'll figure it out somehow. I get up to the register and come to find out, they don't take American debit cards (there's no money in my Korean acct. yet). So I have to have her unscan at least half of my shit while there's like 5 people behind me in line. THEN, I have to walk FOR.EV.ER. before I can find a cab that will pick me up (I had no idea where I was). I wanted my American cereal but I don't know if it's worth it! I've decided it's not. I'm not in America, so I can't expect to have American food all the time. Especially in bulk. What single person needs food in those quantities??
And now I need to address the internal change I've been feeling that has nothing to do with work or what I'm doing with my life or any of that. Let me preface this by saying that I like to party. I like to go out and do things, I enjoy nightlife, I even like to get crazy sometimes.
However. Example: tonight, I could have gone to at least two different bars where I know there would've been people I know. Hell, I don't even have a problem going to bars where I don't know anybody. But here's the issue: I didn't want to. And I haven't wanted to. With the exception of one or two nights since I've been here. It's more than being tired or not wanting to see the people I see for ten hours everyday. And it's not that I don't ever want to go to a bar again or do anything crazy.
It's that I've been on a roller coaster of crazy for over a year now, and I just want to get off for awhile. I need to create some sort of normal life for myself, even though I'm only going to be here for a year, so I can feel human again. So, even though I sort of am still waiting (which I am sooo utterly sick of), it doesn't feel like that's ALL I'm doing. I need to find a healthy balance between taking care of myself by eating right, respecting my body, getting rid of stress in a healthy way, doing things for myself like exercising, exploring, and writing, and having fun with friends. I don't really feel a need to go out every weekend because not only does it make me feel more out of control when I already don't feel in control, but I can go out anywhere in the world, and it's more or less same shit, different day. I don't really want to spend my year in Korea inside dark clubs and hung over in my bed.
I'm just over it. I think it's also that I did the whole drinking all the time/partying too much, etc. thing in Prague, and look where that got me. Two sizes bigger, unhappier, etc., etc. People keep telling me I'll get used to drinking all the time and going out all the time, but I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to be that person. And if that means alienating myself, I guess that's what I'll do. I have other things to worry about.
I'm going to focus on my health, and then maybe I can regain the balance I used to have when I was in grad school. Where did that go? What have I done to myself?
But I am going to stay and stick it out. It has crossed my mind to leave, but I am going to start finishing what I start.
Today, to use a Terryism (from Prague), I had a "bad foreign day." Days when nothing goes right and you just want to go home and it's easy to blame it on the country. But it was more than that.
Last week, I felt like I was finally making friends and starting to fit in. This week, I couldn't feel farther from fitting in or less like I belong. I don't think these people really like me, or even know me. I don't know how to make them know me. I don't know if they even want to.
Also, last week and the week before, I felt like I was doing pretty well at the teaching thing. This week, I feel like a terrible teacher. I'm pretty sure the kids don't like me (which while not the most fun thing in the world, is kind of ok because I don't like a lot of them either). But it's still not easy to walk into a classroom knowing the kids aren't happy to see you. Plus, I feel like my bosses are all on my back again after they'd kind of left me alone for a couple of weeks. Thank God for Meejee and Ellie. They are the only ones who I feel like are really on my side. And they have to see my tears most of the time, which....I'm sorry for, for their sakes, but if someone has to see me cry, I'm glad it's them.
And then, of course, there's the Cost Co incident. So, yeah, I go there forgetting everything is GIGANTIC and that I have no efficient way of getting all that shit home. So, I fill up my cart anyway thinking I'll figure it out somehow. I get up to the register and come to find out, they don't take American debit cards (there's no money in my Korean acct. yet). So I have to have her unscan at least half of my shit while there's like 5 people behind me in line. THEN, I have to walk FOR.EV.ER. before I can find a cab that will pick me up (I had no idea where I was). I wanted my American cereal but I don't know if it's worth it! I've decided it's not. I'm not in America, so I can't expect to have American food all the time. Especially in bulk. What single person needs food in those quantities??
And now I need to address the internal change I've been feeling that has nothing to do with work or what I'm doing with my life or any of that. Let me preface this by saying that I like to party. I like to go out and do things, I enjoy nightlife, I even like to get crazy sometimes.
However. Example: tonight, I could have gone to at least two different bars where I know there would've been people I know. Hell, I don't even have a problem going to bars where I don't know anybody. But here's the issue: I didn't want to. And I haven't wanted to. With the exception of one or two nights since I've been here. It's more than being tired or not wanting to see the people I see for ten hours everyday. And it's not that I don't ever want to go to a bar again or do anything crazy.
It's that I've been on a roller coaster of crazy for over a year now, and I just want to get off for awhile. I need to create some sort of normal life for myself, even though I'm only going to be here for a year, so I can feel human again. So, even though I sort of am still waiting (which I am sooo utterly sick of), it doesn't feel like that's ALL I'm doing. I need to find a healthy balance between taking care of myself by eating right, respecting my body, getting rid of stress in a healthy way, doing things for myself like exercising, exploring, and writing, and having fun with friends. I don't really feel a need to go out every weekend because not only does it make me feel more out of control when I already don't feel in control, but I can go out anywhere in the world, and it's more or less same shit, different day. I don't really want to spend my year in Korea inside dark clubs and hung over in my bed.
I'm just over it. I think it's also that I did the whole drinking all the time/partying too much, etc. thing in Prague, and look where that got me. Two sizes bigger, unhappier, etc., etc. People keep telling me I'll get used to drinking all the time and going out all the time, but I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to be that person. And if that means alienating myself, I guess that's what I'll do. I have other things to worry about.
I'm going to focus on my health, and then maybe I can regain the balance I used to have when I was in grad school. Where did that go? What have I done to myself?
But I am going to stay and stick it out. It has crossed my mind to leave, but I am going to start finishing what I start.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Remembering Lucy
I've never cried this much over losing a pet. She was more than a pet to me. I just hope she didn't suffer. I can't bear that thought.
Lucy wasn't the smartest dog. She could be kind of selfish and manipulative. But she was my dog. And I loved her.
I just pulled a dress out of my closet that I haven't worn yet since I've been in Korea. It still has Lucy's hair on it. I look at it and think that she won't ever shed her hair all over my clothes again. She won't nuzzle up to me, or sit on my feet, or put her head in my lap, or lick my face. We won't play blanket. She won't stalk trucks when they drive by. I won't hold her when it storms. She won't keep me company when I'm home alone.
She was such a happy dog. All the time. Unless there was a thunderstorm. And she loved everybody. She made friends so easily. When I felt bad, I would hug her and she would lick my face. She loved to have her tummy scratched. I used to give her people food when no one was watching. We took naps together. It was one of our favorite hobbies. She would fall asleep and have doggie dreams. Sometimes she would run or growl in her sleep.
All of this can't even describe how I felt about her. And how much I miss her and I dread the thought of going home without her waiting for me. If there is a doggie heaven (and I have to believe there is), I know she's there playing and sleeping and eating milkbones. And having her butt scratched. She loved that too.
I just miss her. I know I'll probably get a dog when I go home next year, but right now I don't think any dog could mean as much to me. Rest in peace, Lucy. I won't forget you.
Lucy wasn't the smartest dog. She could be kind of selfish and manipulative. But she was my dog. And I loved her.
I just pulled a dress out of my closet that I haven't worn yet since I've been in Korea. It still has Lucy's hair on it. I look at it and think that she won't ever shed her hair all over my clothes again. She won't nuzzle up to me, or sit on my feet, or put her head in my lap, or lick my face. We won't play blanket. She won't stalk trucks when they drive by. I won't hold her when it storms. She won't keep me company when I'm home alone.
She was such a happy dog. All the time. Unless there was a thunderstorm. And she loved everybody. She made friends so easily. When I felt bad, I would hug her and she would lick my face. She loved to have her tummy scratched. I used to give her people food when no one was watching. We took naps together. It was one of our favorite hobbies. She would fall asleep and have doggie dreams. Sometimes she would run or growl in her sleep.
All of this can't even describe how I felt about her. And how much I miss her and I dread the thought of going home without her waiting for me. If there is a doggie heaven (and I have to believe there is), I know she's there playing and sleeping and eating milkbones. And having her butt scratched. She loved that too.
I just miss her. I know I'll probably get a dog when I go home next year, but right now I don't think any dog could mean as much to me. Rest in peace, Lucy. I won't forget you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Korea revelations
I am currently sitting on a bench in the Daegu train station. Soon, Skot will be here.
I was really, really excited about the train trip this morning. I haven't been on a train in something like 7 years. And, I'm happy to say that it met my expectations. Beautiful scenery of the countryside and mountains.
I'm finally feeling like I'm starting to get into a rhythm here. Work is just ok, but I'm learning to just leave it at the office (well, school) and not stress or think about it (too much) when I'm not there. It's just a means to an end, after all. And I really like most of the kids. It's the bosses I'm not crazy about.
I'm finally making friends and getting out more to see stuff. It really is beautiful here. The ocean, the cliffs by the ocean, the mountains. I think next weekend I will try to go see my first temple. So I'm finally having a good time. Is it what I expected? No. In some ways, it's better, and in some ways, it's worse, but it's definitely manageable. And I'm looking forward to my non-work activities over the next year. I think I can stop counting down the days/weeks/months till I go home.
I'm also learning some very valuable things about myself. Like that I really don't want to be a teacher. And that it's really, really hard for me to be the new girl. I've never really been "the new girl" before. There's always been other new people with me before. So, this is a learning experience.
There are some things about Korea/Korean culture that really bug me. Like how slow they walk, the smell, the lack of personal space, the people who don't let you get out of the elevator/off the subway before they get on, etc. But generally, people are also really nice and really helpful, so it's a balance I guess.
I still really miss Prague sometimes, but I know living there isn't realistic for me. Hopefully, I can go back and visit someday. More than once. And I would like to see more of Europe. Eurorail around. Again, maybe someday. When I have a real job and vacation time.
But I definitely do feel like I'm finding out more about myself and where I'm going from here (not for the rest of my life, just from here, but that's great progress for me, and I don't believe in long term plans anyway). So I'm starting to feel better than I have in a really long time. Maybe even since I quit grad school, and that was 14 months ago.
I was really, really excited about the train trip this morning. I haven't been on a train in something like 7 years. And, I'm happy to say that it met my expectations. Beautiful scenery of the countryside and mountains.
I'm finally feeling like I'm starting to get into a rhythm here. Work is just ok, but I'm learning to just leave it at the office (well, school) and not stress or think about it (too much) when I'm not there. It's just a means to an end, after all. And I really like most of the kids. It's the bosses I'm not crazy about.
I'm finally making friends and getting out more to see stuff. It really is beautiful here. The ocean, the cliffs by the ocean, the mountains. I think next weekend I will try to go see my first temple. So I'm finally having a good time. Is it what I expected? No. In some ways, it's better, and in some ways, it's worse, but it's definitely manageable. And I'm looking forward to my non-work activities over the next year. I think I can stop counting down the days/weeks/months till I go home.
I'm also learning some very valuable things about myself. Like that I really don't want to be a teacher. And that it's really, really hard for me to be the new girl. I've never really been "the new girl" before. There's always been other new people with me before. So, this is a learning experience.
There are some things about Korea/Korean culture that really bug me. Like how slow they walk, the smell, the lack of personal space, the people who don't let you get out of the elevator/off the subway before they get on, etc. But generally, people are also really nice and really helpful, so it's a balance I guess.
I still really miss Prague sometimes, but I know living there isn't realistic for me. Hopefully, I can go back and visit someday. More than once. And I would like to see more of Europe. Eurorail around. Again, maybe someday. When I have a real job and vacation time.
But I definitely do feel like I'm finding out more about myself and where I'm going from here (not for the rest of my life, just from here, but that's great progress for me, and I don't believe in long term plans anyway). So I'm starting to feel better than I have in a really long time. Maybe even since I quit grad school, and that was 14 months ago.
Friday, September 4, 2009
the right path
Well, I finally feel like I'm on the right path again. Whatever that means. My path seems to have a lot more twists and turns in it than everybody else's.
But that's ok. The idea of monotony really scares me. More than striking out and flying to Korea by myself. Which is what I'm doing!
I'm still apprehensive about a few things like bank accounts, layovers, getting on the right bus, finding the grocery store (I worry about really specific things, haha), etc., I feel MUCH more at ease than I did a month ago. I guess feeling secure in your decision does that to you.
I also definitely feel like everything will be ok from here on out. Not that there won't be hard times in the future of course, but that I'm better equipped to deal with them. And hopefully I've made enough mistakes to know what not to do in the grand scheme of things (as in not set myself up for a bad situation later, i.e. moving back in with my parents AGAIN). I have some ideas for what I want to do at the end of my year contract, but none of them are set in stone, and there's no reason for me to really be worried about that right now, except for taking minor preparatory steps. There are a couple of things I am sure about:
1.) making the most of my time in Korea while saving maximum $
2.)I want a Master's degree
3.)This will probably not be the last time I go to work overseas
Anyway, that said, I'm done speculating for now. It's time to get on that plane and go with the flow.
The past couple of weeks have definitely been interesting. The week before last, the highlight of course was my birthday, but other than that, it was terrible. Total ennui. Ugh. So, since I was going to have to go anyway to get my visa, I decided to head down to Houston to see Katie and get a change of scenery. So, my weekend with Katie was fun, and then I headed to Gagi's.
I feel like I got myself back to a healthier place mentally and physically, plus I got my visa. When I was at the Consulate I realized by talking to the other Americans there how much you instantly bond with other people doing stuff like this. It gave me back that sense of belonging I've been missing since I left Prague.
Then, today, I got most of my packing done (which was quite the task), and I went to visit my Uncle Dennis and Aunt Susan (I don't know why I put the labels; I never use them. I think it's because I was the only grandchild for so long that I felt weird being the only one calling them aunt and uncle) in Dallas. It was great to see them and the kids, and it was nice having intelligent conversation with people who've had similar experiences to what I'm about to have. Again, that bond like what I felt at the Consulate was there. Susan gave me a cookbook designed for people living overseas (you can't get the same grocery items there), and I'm really excited about that too.
So, ready as I am to get going, leaving is kind of bittersweet. It's sad to leave my friends and family--I already miss them. But I know that I'm doing the right thing for me right now, and I know this experience is going to be phenomenal. This time, it's not leaving and planning to come back in a year to the same place and do the same thing. It's embarking on the rest of my life, filled with unknowns and the motivation to keep moving forward, welcoming new stages instead of running scared.
But that's ok. The idea of monotony really scares me. More than striking out and flying to Korea by myself. Which is what I'm doing!
I'm still apprehensive about a few things like bank accounts, layovers, getting on the right bus, finding the grocery store (I worry about really specific things, haha), etc., I feel MUCH more at ease than I did a month ago. I guess feeling secure in your decision does that to you.
I also definitely feel like everything will be ok from here on out. Not that there won't be hard times in the future of course, but that I'm better equipped to deal with them. And hopefully I've made enough mistakes to know what not to do in the grand scheme of things (as in not set myself up for a bad situation later, i.e. moving back in with my parents AGAIN). I have some ideas for what I want to do at the end of my year contract, but none of them are set in stone, and there's no reason for me to really be worried about that right now, except for taking minor preparatory steps. There are a couple of things I am sure about:
1.) making the most of my time in Korea while saving maximum $
2.)I want a Master's degree
3.)This will probably not be the last time I go to work overseas
Anyway, that said, I'm done speculating for now. It's time to get on that plane and go with the flow.
The past couple of weeks have definitely been interesting. The week before last, the highlight of course was my birthday, but other than that, it was terrible. Total ennui. Ugh. So, since I was going to have to go anyway to get my visa, I decided to head down to Houston to see Katie and get a change of scenery. So, my weekend with Katie was fun, and then I headed to Gagi's.
I feel like I got myself back to a healthier place mentally and physically, plus I got my visa. When I was at the Consulate I realized by talking to the other Americans there how much you instantly bond with other people doing stuff like this. It gave me back that sense of belonging I've been missing since I left Prague.
Then, today, I got most of my packing done (which was quite the task), and I went to visit my Uncle Dennis and Aunt Susan (I don't know why I put the labels; I never use them. I think it's because I was the only grandchild for so long that I felt weird being the only one calling them aunt and uncle) in Dallas. It was great to see them and the kids, and it was nice having intelligent conversation with people who've had similar experiences to what I'm about to have. Again, that bond like what I felt at the Consulate was there. Susan gave me a cookbook designed for people living overseas (you can't get the same grocery items there), and I'm really excited about that too.
So, ready as I am to get going, leaving is kind of bittersweet. It's sad to leave my friends and family--I already miss them. But I know that I'm doing the right thing for me right now, and I know this experience is going to be phenomenal. This time, it's not leaving and planning to come back in a year to the same place and do the same thing. It's embarking on the rest of my life, filled with unknowns and the motivation to keep moving forward, welcoming new stages instead of running scared.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
falling apart
I am so angry with myself. Why am I here again? AGAIN????
Everything wasn't supposed to fall apart. I was supposed to be getting a handle on things, finding myself or whatever. I feel like I've been on the verge of hyperventilating all day. I am so disappointed at how everything has turned out. It's taken me four months to admit that to myself. Prague wasn't supposed to be something I felt sad about. It was supposed to be this wonderful, challenging experience, and it was, but it was supposed to still be going on.
I feel empty, stupid, weak, and cheated. I want to go back more than anything. I feel like I BELONG there. I do belong there. And I was an idiot to leave so suddenly, without thinking it through. I was scared. And that's what it all boils down to. I'm a coward. What have I done? and why do I always do this? I run scared and then I want to come running back. Except to grad school. I don't really want to go back there even though I miss it sometimes. But seriously, how could I do something of this magnitude? This is my life. I can't keep just farting along, not doing anything.
I guess I really need to grieve. Or return. Grieve if I can't return. I had been looking forward to Prague for so long before I went and then it ended so abruptly, and here I am again at rock bottom only it's lower than it was before, that this really was a big loss. And I'm just now admitting this to myself.
Whatever. I need to go to bed.
Everything wasn't supposed to fall apart. I was supposed to be getting a handle on things, finding myself or whatever. I feel like I've been on the verge of hyperventilating all day. I am so disappointed at how everything has turned out. It's taken me four months to admit that to myself. Prague wasn't supposed to be something I felt sad about. It was supposed to be this wonderful, challenging experience, and it was, but it was supposed to still be going on.
I feel empty, stupid, weak, and cheated. I want to go back more than anything. I feel like I BELONG there. I do belong there. And I was an idiot to leave so suddenly, without thinking it through. I was scared. And that's what it all boils down to. I'm a coward. What have I done? and why do I always do this? I run scared and then I want to come running back. Except to grad school. I don't really want to go back there even though I miss it sometimes. But seriously, how could I do something of this magnitude? This is my life. I can't keep just farting along, not doing anything.
I guess I really need to grieve. Or return. Grieve if I can't return. I had been looking forward to Prague for so long before I went and then it ended so abruptly, and here I am again at rock bottom only it's lower than it was before, that this really was a big loss. And I'm just now admitting this to myself.
Whatever. I need to go to bed.
Friday, June 19, 2009
half empty, half full
Negative thoughts I need to flush out of my system (because I am a positive person, damnit!):
- feeling fat
- the lack of close friends in this stupid town
- mourning the loss of my international travel plans/life in Prague
- trying to figure out how to balance my social life and being healthy/training
- the fear/dread of what the hell am I going to do if I don't have a job by August
- coming to terms with the possibility of staying in this area
- I'm having a blast at Seals this summer...something I haven't had for a long time
- I'm working really hard at being healthy, learning a lot about nutrition, and loving it
- when all is said and done, I really do want to be a teacher
- moving out of my parents' house is on the horizon! 11 months is too long!
- going to grad school for a year was the best decision I'd ever made, and dropping out of it was an even better one...that doesn't really go with this list, but just a thought
- I literally have friends all over the world.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
my tearful goodbye to the CZ
I need to stop assuming that I don't deserve friends, or for people to really like me.
Tonight, I had my Prague goodbye dinner/evening. First was dinner at this AWESOME pizzeria we (well, Emma) discovered in Wenceslas Square. It was delicious, and the company was even better. It was just the girls for dinner: me, Olivia, Cara, Emma, Sarah, Amanda, and Renee. I had a great time.
Then, I get a call from Nick and a text message from Mike, and they want to see me before I leave. So, after dinner, we went to U Sedu (commonly referred to as "the cave bar") for a drink. I told the guys where we were going, and they came to meet us. I don't know why I was so surprised by that.
Mike, Nick, Kenny, Pat, and Jeff come strolling in. We hung out for a little bit. They all hugged me, said how much they were going to miss me (and I said the same to them, of course), and how glad they were that they got to see me before I left.
I just couldn't believe they all came out to see me. Like I said, I don't know why that surprised me.
Stuff like that has always surprised me. It's like I don't actually think that I'm worthy of being liked or for people to give a damn about me. But I think if I believe it, it will be even more true.
I'm slowly learning to let my guard down. I hope that education continues.
I'm going to miss everyone I've met here so much. I've been (and I still am) so, so excited about my new journey--going home, then going to South Korea. But tonight, I feel the pain of leaving Prague. I've had an absolutely amazing time here, and I've learned so much, and grown so much stronger, but it's so much deeper than that. I can't really express it in words--and I can always express things in words.
I'm just going to miss my Prague family. I think I will always feel close to them, no matter the physical distance. And it's ok for me to feel sad about that right now.
Tonight, I had my Prague goodbye dinner/evening. First was dinner at this AWESOME pizzeria we (well, Emma) discovered in Wenceslas Square. It was delicious, and the company was even better. It was just the girls for dinner: me, Olivia, Cara, Emma, Sarah, Amanda, and Renee. I had a great time.
Then, I get a call from Nick and a text message from Mike, and they want to see me before I leave. So, after dinner, we went to U Sedu (commonly referred to as "the cave bar") for a drink. I told the guys where we were going, and they came to meet us. I don't know why I was so surprised by that.
Mike, Nick, Kenny, Pat, and Jeff come strolling in. We hung out for a little bit. They all hugged me, said how much they were going to miss me (and I said the same to them, of course), and how glad they were that they got to see me before I left.
I just couldn't believe they all came out to see me. Like I said, I don't know why that surprised me.
Stuff like that has always surprised me. It's like I don't actually think that I'm worthy of being liked or for people to give a damn about me. But I think if I believe it, it will be even more true.
I'm slowly learning to let my guard down. I hope that education continues.
I'm going to miss everyone I've met here so much. I've been (and I still am) so, so excited about my new journey--going home, then going to South Korea. But tonight, I feel the pain of leaving Prague. I've had an absolutely amazing time here, and I've learned so much, and grown so much stronger, but it's so much deeper than that. I can't really express it in words--and I can always express things in words.
I'm just going to miss my Prague family. I think I will always feel close to them, no matter the physical distance. And it's ok for me to feel sad about that right now.
Monday, March 30, 2009
okay...with perspective
Doing things for yourself is amazing.
Not taking anyone else into consideration for your actions and just doing what you want to do... it's so simple. I'm not saying you shouldn't do things for other people. I'm just saying that when making big life decisions, it's best to look out for #1 only.
My parents were really surprised that I'm so ok with the recent turn of events. I just kind of shrugged and said, "What's not to be ok with?"
That one, seemingly simple question says so much more. It is the embodiment of how far I've come.
I think what mainly surprised my parents was that when things aren't going the way I've planned, or I'm going through a major change (whether or not it's brought about by my own choice), I tend to freak out. I get very unstable and existential.
I have, of course, gone through some of the self-destructive habits of the unemployed. Particularly the unemployed in Europe (when in Prague...).
But I'm totally, 112% ok. Happy, even. And I know that I always can be--I have the power to be. Again, what's not to be ok with? Ever. I'm finally learning to roll with it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another note, distance can also do wonders for a person.
This weekend, my former grad school counterparts took their comprehensive exams. I kept reading their facebook statuses about how they were freaking out, hated their lives, felt like masochists, etc., etc. But all I could think about was how accomplished they were going to feel at the end of the weekend. And how I wasn't there pouring out sweat, blood, and tears with them. How I wasn't going to (yet) know that sense of accomplishment.
It's fine. I know that I made the right decision for me. I also know that I made it a lot harder on myself. But hey, that's what I do. What I mean is that because I've decided to go back in a year and finish my Master's, it's going to be harder for me because I broke up that continuous stream of knowledge and will haven taken 2 years off between my first and second year. That's going to be a lot harder, both in terms of comps and regular coursework. Also, my cohort that I began the program will (obviously) have all moved on by the time I go back. I will be with a bunch of people that I don't know, who didn't know the program the way I did in 2007-2008. And of course, I won't have my grad school buddy, Chelsie. No one could ever replace her. But I know she's doing it without me right now, so I know I can do it without her too.
The flip side of all of those things is that I have So. Much. More. Perspective now. That's what I meant about distance doing amazing things. Last summer, I was so bogged down in the program and not feeling a purpose and drowning in piles of projects that I knew I could handle but didn't have the motivation to. After being away for almost 10 months and doing a LOT of soul searching, I know that a Master's in rhet/comp is really what I want. And I want to finish it in Corpus Christi. I had to be away to get it, to appreciate it, and to remember what I love.
Also, it could also be a good thing that I won't be finishing the program with the people I started it with. It might be good for me to have some classes with people I haven't been in class with since undergrad. Get some new insights--the TEFL course was definitely like that, and I needed it. Also, I won't already be jaded about these people before the classes even start. The whole thing will be more separate from my undergrad, and that can only be positive.
Sidenote: I helped a friend with some writing recently. I felt rusty, but I've still got it! It felt nice to know that I can still do that stuff.
God, it will be weird to move to Corpus Christi and not know anyone there!
Ok, I'm done talking about this for now. My next post should be much more interesting ;).
Not taking anyone else into consideration for your actions and just doing what you want to do... it's so simple. I'm not saying you shouldn't do things for other people. I'm just saying that when making big life decisions, it's best to look out for #1 only.
My parents were really surprised that I'm so ok with the recent turn of events. I just kind of shrugged and said, "What's not to be ok with?"
That one, seemingly simple question says so much more. It is the embodiment of how far I've come.
I think what mainly surprised my parents was that when things aren't going the way I've planned, or I'm going through a major change (whether or not it's brought about by my own choice), I tend to freak out. I get very unstable and existential.
I have, of course, gone through some of the self-destructive habits of the unemployed. Particularly the unemployed in Europe (when in Prague...).
But I'm totally, 112% ok. Happy, even. And I know that I always can be--I have the power to be. Again, what's not to be ok with? Ever. I'm finally learning to roll with it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another note, distance can also do wonders for a person.
This weekend, my former grad school counterparts took their comprehensive exams. I kept reading their facebook statuses about how they were freaking out, hated their lives, felt like masochists, etc., etc. But all I could think about was how accomplished they were going to feel at the end of the weekend. And how I wasn't there pouring out sweat, blood, and tears with them. How I wasn't going to (yet) know that sense of accomplishment.
It's fine. I know that I made the right decision for me. I also know that I made it a lot harder on myself. But hey, that's what I do. What I mean is that because I've decided to go back in a year and finish my Master's, it's going to be harder for me because I broke up that continuous stream of knowledge and will haven taken 2 years off between my first and second year. That's going to be a lot harder, both in terms of comps and regular coursework. Also, my cohort that I began the program will (obviously) have all moved on by the time I go back. I will be with a bunch of people that I don't know, who didn't know the program the way I did in 2007-2008. And of course, I won't have my grad school buddy, Chelsie. No one could ever replace her. But I know she's doing it without me right now, so I know I can do it without her too.
The flip side of all of those things is that I have So. Much. More. Perspective now. That's what I meant about distance doing amazing things. Last summer, I was so bogged down in the program and not feeling a purpose and drowning in piles of projects that I knew I could handle but didn't have the motivation to. After being away for almost 10 months and doing a LOT of soul searching, I know that a Master's in rhet/comp is really what I want. And I want to finish it in Corpus Christi. I had to be away to get it, to appreciate it, and to remember what I love.
Also, it could also be a good thing that I won't be finishing the program with the people I started it with. It might be good for me to have some classes with people I haven't been in class with since undergrad. Get some new insights--the TEFL course was definitely like that, and I needed it. Also, I won't already be jaded about these people before the classes even start. The whole thing will be more separate from my undergrad, and that can only be positive.
Sidenote: I helped a friend with some writing recently. I felt rusty, but I've still got it! It felt nice to know that I can still do that stuff.
God, it will be weird to move to Corpus Christi and not know anyone there!
Ok, I'm done talking about this for now. My next post should be much more interesting ;).
Sunday, March 29, 2009
stronger
So here I am again, about to break another lease.
This time, it's not really an "I should've known better and thought about this beforehand" type thing. I couldn't have predicted my reasons for leaving. They are real and practical and do not have anything to do with whims. Do I feel relieved? Yes. Am I justified in feeling that way, or is it my continual urge to run away? I don't know.
I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is what is. I'm really excited to go to Asia, though. Maybe more excited than I was to come to Prague. That could be because this will be more like starting a life, because I'll arrive with a job. And because I won't be as scared of relocating halfway around the world this time. I think.
I'm also excited to go home for a little bit. I've really missed Texas. My friends, my family, the sky, the open spaces, Mexican food, driving (I hate to admit that!), warm weather, etc., etc. It will be totally weird to hear people speaking English all the time. As much as I've loved the past 2 months, this experience has given me a new appreciation for home. I finally understand that...although for me (and a few others like me, I think), I had to go see the world to feel that way. And I will always want to continue traveling.
Part of me is tempted to stay home, but I'm not done traveling yet. I've got the rest of my life to stay home. Plus, now I know that I definitely want to move back to Texas when I'm done teaching overseas. That's where I ultimately belong, no matter how many rednecks tell me I'm too liberal for it. Texas is made up of all kinds, not just rednecks and cowboys (not that there's anything wrong with cowboys).
I'm so ready for Friday to get here, yet I never want it to come.
I am so much stronger now than I ever thought I could be.
This time, it's not really an "I should've known better and thought about this beforehand" type thing. I couldn't have predicted my reasons for leaving. They are real and practical and do not have anything to do with whims. Do I feel relieved? Yes. Am I justified in feeling that way, or is it my continual urge to run away? I don't know.
I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is what is. I'm really excited to go to Asia, though. Maybe more excited than I was to come to Prague. That could be because this will be more like starting a life, because I'll arrive with a job. And because I won't be as scared of relocating halfway around the world this time. I think.
I'm also excited to go home for a little bit. I've really missed Texas. My friends, my family, the sky, the open spaces, Mexican food, driving (I hate to admit that!), warm weather, etc., etc. It will be totally weird to hear people speaking English all the time. As much as I've loved the past 2 months, this experience has given me a new appreciation for home. I finally understand that...although for me (and a few others like me, I think), I had to go see the world to feel that way. And I will always want to continue traveling.
Part of me is tempted to stay home, but I'm not done traveling yet. I've got the rest of my life to stay home. Plus, now I know that I definitely want to move back to Texas when I'm done teaching overseas. That's where I ultimately belong, no matter how many rednecks tell me I'm too liberal for it. Texas is made up of all kinds, not just rednecks and cowboys (not that there's anything wrong with cowboys).
I'm so ready for Friday to get here, yet I never want it to come.
I am so much stronger now than I ever thought I could be.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Jewish Quarter
Today, I was really pissed off because the person who was supposed to go sightseeing with me bailed like 2 minutes before we were supposed to meet. If she had told me earlier, I would not have been on the tram I was on going the direction I was going. Oh, well.
So. I decided that since it was a reasonably nice day and not too cold (I am not currently wearing my coat because of the vomit stains), I would go see something cool by myself. I was close to the green line, so I hopped on the metro and got off in the Jewish Quarter, which is something I'd been wanting to revisit since our walking tour six weeks ago.
I found what I was looking for pretty easily. An area with lots of synagogues, a great view of the castle by the way, and I just walked toward this huge wall with lots of tombstones behind it. I figured that must be the Jewish cemetery and museum, based on how it was described to me.
I was able to use my outdated college I.D. to get a discount on the entry fee. I went into the museum, which when you first walk in is two floors of just these walls with all of the Czech Holocause victims' names and birth/death dates written in red and black EVERYWHERE. It's really overwhelming. There's nothing else in this part of the museum. Photography in there is forbidden, which I totally agree with. It would be very disrespectful to make these people's memorial into some cheap tourist landmark. So being in these rooms was just completely humbling and powerful. It almost made me want to cry. Especially since I saw the movie The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas pretty soon before I came here.
You always hear about the Holocaust as this event that you know really happened and was a really big deal. But learning about it in history classes and such kind of makes the people involved seem like fictional characters. When you see all those names written in tiny writing covering the walls of several rooms, it hits you how big of a deal it really was. And these rooms were just the people from one country. Multiply that by the rest of the people in Europe who were affected. Wow.
And it gets even more powerful. There's another room in the museum where they have children's drawings from WWII--Jewish children, who went to ghettos and concentration camps, some of whom survived, and some of whom didn't. They are child-like drawings of the trains, the camps, the ghettos, their dreams, and imaginations. There are journal entries, photographs, old star of David patches. But it's mostly the drawings that get you. They are labeled by who drew them, when, and whether or not they survived. Some of them have unknown artists.
I was trying to figure out why this experience affected me so much more than when I went to the Holocaust museum in Houston. I think it's because here, it doesn't seem so far away. All of this stuff happened right here, or very close to here.
Anyway, so when you walk out of the museum, you can go into the Jewish cemetery. I'll post pictures of this part. There are all these freaking OLD tombstones just piled on top of each other in this garden area with old Hebrew writing on them. I wish I could've read what they said. They are covered in moss and weathering away. The museum people are trying to restore them as much as possible. I think I read something that said they restore 100 a year or something like that.
These graves (I think, based on what I could tell from the signs and brochures) are mostly from the 16 and 1700s. Some may be older than that. Damn. I can't quite figure out why the Jewish graves/burials were so neglected back then and for so long (the cemetery and all the refurbishing has only been happening since 1975). I guess it's just the anti-Semitic attitudes that were prevalent in Europe for so long. I guess as an American that's hard for me to understand.
So. I decided that since it was a reasonably nice day and not too cold (I am not currently wearing my coat because of the vomit stains), I would go see something cool by myself. I was close to the green line, so I hopped on the metro and got off in the Jewish Quarter, which is something I'd been wanting to revisit since our walking tour six weeks ago.
I found what I was looking for pretty easily. An area with lots of synagogues, a great view of the castle by the way, and I just walked toward this huge wall with lots of tombstones behind it. I figured that must be the Jewish cemetery and museum, based on how it was described to me.
I was able to use my outdated college I.D. to get a discount on the entry fee. I went into the museum, which when you first walk in is two floors of just these walls with all of the Czech Holocause victims' names and birth/death dates written in red and black EVERYWHERE. It's really overwhelming. There's nothing else in this part of the museum. Photography in there is forbidden, which I totally agree with. It would be very disrespectful to make these people's memorial into some cheap tourist landmark. So being in these rooms was just completely humbling and powerful. It almost made me want to cry. Especially since I saw the movie The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas pretty soon before I came here.
You always hear about the Holocaust as this event that you know really happened and was a really big deal. But learning about it in history classes and such kind of makes the people involved seem like fictional characters. When you see all those names written in tiny writing covering the walls of several rooms, it hits you how big of a deal it really was. And these rooms were just the people from one country. Multiply that by the rest of the people in Europe who were affected. Wow.
And it gets even more powerful. There's another room in the museum where they have children's drawings from WWII--Jewish children, who went to ghettos and concentration camps, some of whom survived, and some of whom didn't. They are child-like drawings of the trains, the camps, the ghettos, their dreams, and imaginations. There are journal entries, photographs, old star of David patches. But it's mostly the drawings that get you. They are labeled by who drew them, when, and whether or not they survived. Some of them have unknown artists.
I was trying to figure out why this experience affected me so much more than when I went to the Holocaust museum in Houston. I think it's because here, it doesn't seem so far away. All of this stuff happened right here, or very close to here.
Anyway, so when you walk out of the museum, you can go into the Jewish cemetery. I'll post pictures of this part. There are all these freaking OLD tombstones just piled on top of each other in this garden area with old Hebrew writing on them. I wish I could've read what they said. They are covered in moss and weathering away. The museum people are trying to restore them as much as possible. I think I read something that said they restore 100 a year or something like that.
These graves (I think, based on what I could tell from the signs and brochures) are mostly from the 16 and 1700s. Some may be older than that. Damn. I can't quite figure out why the Jewish graves/burials were so neglected back then and for so long (the cemetery and all the refurbishing has only been happening since 1975). I guess it's just the anti-Semitic attitudes that were prevalent in Europe for so long. I guess as an American that's hard for me to understand.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
waiting for it to pass
Reading a new blog has finally inspired me to write a new one of my own.
You know that saying "wherever you go, there you are?" I'm so there.
It's not that I came here to run away from something or because I thought my life would magically change. Neither one of those things is true.
I just feel like all of my B.S., all of my insecurities, and all of my self destructive tendencies are rearing their ugly heads at the moment. I realize that this will always happen. Nobody's perfect, and everyone has their issues. I just hate feeling out of control and like I have nothing to hold onto.
First of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this city. And more than that, I've met some really awesome people here, some of whom I will probably always keep in touch with. But I still feel really alone. It's kind of a normal thing for me, and something that I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to shake. And in a way, I don't know if I'd want to. I don't know if I could deal with other people's bullshit too. I like to be around people, but it takes a lot for me to really be close to them. Despite that, I get really attached to friends really fast. Weird.
Anyway, so I'm hearing these rumors about Americans being deported from the Czech Republic because they're being denied visas. Scary! Although it would be kind of a cool story to say you got deported from somewhere, I don't know what is happening. I feel like I may end up in Taiwan soon. Which is okay. I think it looks totally cool. I just kind of wanted to stay here for awhile--maybe six or nine months. Sure, I'll break a couple of contracts by doing that, but I don't think anything severe happens to you for doing that. I don't think anything severe happens to you for much in the Czech Republic. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. But I still love it.
My current fears include:
You know that saying "wherever you go, there you are?" I'm so there.
It's not that I came here to run away from something or because I thought my life would magically change. Neither one of those things is true.
I just feel like all of my B.S., all of my insecurities, and all of my self destructive tendencies are rearing their ugly heads at the moment. I realize that this will always happen. Nobody's perfect, and everyone has their issues. I just hate feeling out of control and like I have nothing to hold onto.
First of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this city. And more than that, I've met some really awesome people here, some of whom I will probably always keep in touch with. But I still feel really alone. It's kind of a normal thing for me, and something that I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to shake. And in a way, I don't know if I'd want to. I don't know if I could deal with other people's bullshit too. I like to be around people, but it takes a lot for me to really be close to them. Despite that, I get really attached to friends really fast. Weird.
Anyway, so I'm hearing these rumors about Americans being deported from the Czech Republic because they're being denied visas. Scary! Although it would be kind of a cool story to say you got deported from somewhere, I don't know what is happening. I feel like I may end up in Taiwan soon. Which is okay. I think it looks totally cool. I just kind of wanted to stay here for awhile--maybe six or nine months. Sure, I'll break a couple of contracts by doing that, but I don't think anything severe happens to you for doing that. I don't think anything severe happens to you for much in the Czech Republic. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. But I still love it.
My current fears include:
- not finding a job
- getting deported and not being able to afford a plane ticket out
- not being able to pay for my apartment
- not having any friends (I know that one's irrational, but everything just feels so precarious right now)
- that I'm going to be a bad teacher, or I'm going to hate it
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Jane Austen or Emma?
Today, I judged a book by its cover.
There is a young, semi-cute (in an unconventional way, but I'd date him) basketball coach at the middle school where my mom works. I work the clock at some of the games. Today, I was early, and I read while I waited. I always keep a book in my purse.
The coach walked by the table where I was sitting and said, "Whatcha reading?" I stopped and turned the book so that he could see the cover. He looked, read "Jane Austen" off of it, kind of nodded, and went on his way. I said something like, "yep," and continued reading.
I jumped to two conclusions. One, that he didn't know who Jane Austen, anything about her, and had probably never heard of the book I was reading, which was Emma (in fact, because Jane Austen's name was in bigger print than the title Emma on my book, I assumed that he thought "Jane Austen" was the title of the book). And two, that he didn't really care what I was reading, was just making mindless conversation, and thought I was a geek for carrying a book around with me and reading it when I had a few minutes to kill.
Later, after I got home, my mom asked me who the coaches were. I described this one to her, not knowing his name, and she said, "Oh, he's a seventh grade English teacher." I felt like a fool and a hypocrite. I assumed, because this guy is a basketball coach (and maybe a little bit because of where he works), that he would not be interested in books. Come to find out, he was probably genuinely interested in what I was reading simply because he's interested in books and reading. I myself am into both sports and reading, but I assumed that no one else would be.
I must learn not to be such a judgmental idiot. If I had been more open-minded (and the kicker is that I tend to think of myself as a really open-minded person) and just...friendlier to the guy, I might have at least gotten a literary friend out of the conversation (I don't know if he's married...I suppose I could've gotten a date also if he's single). I don't have very many friends here that I can talk to on that level.
I need to work on being friendlier to new people in general. The problem is that I'm scared around them (that I'll make a fool out of myself somehow), so I just tell myself that I don't want to meet them and I don't open up. I need to get over that. I have nothing to lose when I meet people.
Damn.
There is a young, semi-cute (in an unconventional way, but I'd date him) basketball coach at the middle school where my mom works. I work the clock at some of the games. Today, I was early, and I read while I waited. I always keep a book in my purse.
The coach walked by the table where I was sitting and said, "Whatcha reading?" I stopped and turned the book so that he could see the cover. He looked, read "Jane Austen" off of it, kind of nodded, and went on his way. I said something like, "yep," and continued reading.
I jumped to two conclusions. One, that he didn't know who Jane Austen, anything about her, and had probably never heard of the book I was reading, which was Emma (in fact, because Jane Austen's name was in bigger print than the title Emma on my book, I assumed that he thought "Jane Austen" was the title of the book). And two, that he didn't really care what I was reading, was just making mindless conversation, and thought I was a geek for carrying a book around with me and reading it when I had a few minutes to kill.
Later, after I got home, my mom asked me who the coaches were. I described this one to her, not knowing his name, and she said, "Oh, he's a seventh grade English teacher." I felt like a fool and a hypocrite. I assumed, because this guy is a basketball coach (and maybe a little bit because of where he works), that he would not be interested in books. Come to find out, he was probably genuinely interested in what I was reading simply because he's interested in books and reading. I myself am into both sports and reading, but I assumed that no one else would be.
I must learn not to be such a judgmental idiot. If I had been more open-minded (and the kicker is that I tend to think of myself as a really open-minded person) and just...friendlier to the guy, I might have at least gotten a literary friend out of the conversation (I don't know if he's married...I suppose I could've gotten a date also if he's single). I don't have very many friends here that I can talk to on that level.
I need to work on being friendlier to new people in general. The problem is that I'm scared around them (that I'll make a fool out of myself somehow), so I just tell myself that I don't want to meet them and I don't open up. I need to get over that. I have nothing to lose when I meet people.
Damn.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
2009, baby!
I thought about making a list of things I want to do in 2009, but I'm not going to. It's true that sometimes benchmarks like new years, new semesters, changes of scene, etc. can help people make changes. But really, what are our excuses during the rest of the year? If you want something to change, make it happen.
That said, I just know that 2009 is going to be a fantastic year for me.
I've decided to stop planning past my next move. My next move is go to Prague and teach. I don't know how long I'll be gone, and I'm not going to pretend to decide right now. I don't know if I'll go somewhere else before I come back to the states. I don't know where I'll go when I do come back to the states. And that's ok. I could say that I have a plan (and I'm not going to lie, I do have a few ideas), but what would be the point? It would all change. A year ago, I thought that right now I'd be getting ready to graduate with my Master's and looking for a job teaching writing somewhere in Texas. I may still want to do those things at some point, but I've got other things on my mind now. I'm just going to continue to do what feels right until it doesn't feel right anymore. That's the only way I know how to live. It's worked so far.
I do have a couple of goals, that I am stating now, and they may be related to the new year (I'll admit, it does sort of feel like getting rid of unwanted baggage...I have taken steps toward that already), but they don't have to be! Okay, here they are (and they are all related to things that make me happy, which is key):
That said, I just know that 2009 is going to be a fantastic year for me.
I've decided to stop planning past my next move. My next move is go to Prague and teach. I don't know how long I'll be gone, and I'm not going to pretend to decide right now. I don't know if I'll go somewhere else before I come back to the states. I don't know where I'll go when I do come back to the states. And that's ok. I could say that I have a plan (and I'm not going to lie, I do have a few ideas), but what would be the point? It would all change. A year ago, I thought that right now I'd be getting ready to graduate with my Master's and looking for a job teaching writing somewhere in Texas. I may still want to do those things at some point, but I've got other things on my mind now. I'm just going to continue to do what feels right until it doesn't feel right anymore. That's the only way I know how to live. It's worked so far.
I do have a couple of goals, that I am stating now, and they may be related to the new year (I'll admit, it does sort of feel like getting rid of unwanted baggage...I have taken steps toward that already), but they don't have to be! Okay, here they are (and they are all related to things that make me happy, which is key):
- exercise almost everyday, but don't be a Nazi about it, because that leads to major burnout
- write SOMETHING everyday...it doesn't have to win a Pulitzer prize (and this blog counts)
- have more fun!! (that always applies...to anything)
- and the last one is specifically geared toward my last few weeks of subbing: don't sweat it. just get through it and don't stress
My major fears right now are that I'll run out of money in Prague before I get a paycheck, that the people in my class over there won't like me/I won't make any friends in Prague period, and that my flight will be delayed. Oh, and that my luggage will be lost.
I was going to make a list of things that annoy me. On it was going to be my parents, the town of Granbury, public schools/schoolteachers, and kids. I don't really feel like discussing that further right now. I have TV to watch. But I'm not stressing. Because it's 2009. Finally.
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