mistakes...and inner calm

I'm still struggling through, but it's getting better. This week, I've had a new attitude. I've decided to just enjoy it and not sweat the small stuff. There's no reason for me to get all worked up about every little thing that doesn't go smoothly. It just makes me angry/stressed out/miserable anyway, so there's no place for that. I'm learning to center myself in a chaotic world.

I think I'm getting along better with my coworkers too. I'm starting to feel like less of an outsider. I'm going to compare this experience so far to freshman year of college. At first, everything is new and exciting, and you're having a blast. Then, reality, day to day life, sets in. Things get really hard. You think that you hate college, you hate the place you chose to go to, you don't know who you are anymore. But then, you keep going, just going through the motions to get by, and then you come to peace with it and maybe even like it. It's kind of like fake it till you make it, which is something I say to myself a lot.

All of this doesn't mean everything I said in my previous post isn't true, especially the stuff about learning that I do belong and want to be at home and that I'm finally figuring out what I want to do. But what I am also learning/discovering now is how to have inner calm and happiness wherever I am and whatever the circumstances, even if they're not what I really want or expected.

I have made some pretty huge mistakes in my life. None of them really turned out to be mistakes, and that isn't because I learned from them. They weren't mistakes because they all led me to different things that I would've never done without them. People I never would've met and now can't imagine not knowing. That's not the same thing as learning from your mistakes, although I like to think I've done a little of that too. Even if I do revert back to self-destructive patterns sometimes.

I'm just trying to find my way, and I've learned (besides the importance of calming down) that I don't like to leave stones unturned. I don't like unanswered questions. I hate the what ifs. And I don't regret not having many of those. Even if there are some sucky periods in between my endeavors. This is just one of the many things I've learned about myself, and I'm still peeling the onion (wow, I'm full of cliches right now!).

That said, I do think I need to bring out some of myself that's been a little dormant for the past few weeks. I don't need to let a job or anything else beat/wear me down. I need to regain my sense of adventure. And I need to stop being such a hermit (while still watching my budget!).

I'm taking steps. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

self discovery

People say that time goes by super fast in Korea. I'm still waiting to experience that. I mean, the weeks individually go by pretty fast, it's true. And work doesn't seem as bad when I'm actually there as it does when I'm away from work and thinking about it. It's just that it feels like I've been here for a LIFETIME, and I've only been here 7 weeks. It feels like there's no end in sight (even though logically I know there really is). And I know the time will go by fast, I just have to stop thinking about it ALL the time.

It makes me a little sad that I'm so anxious for the time to go by. But I'm over just enjoying the experience (although I really am trying!). I definitely have this whole living overseas thing out of my system. For real. I'm glad I did it. I wouldn't want to live my whole life and never know what would've happened. But when I get back to Texas, I'm only leaving it to go on vacation. And I won't even do that for awhile.

The positive is that I do finally feel like I'm starting to find myself again. I finally feel like I know what I want, and that I know where my home is, and I can just be comfortable there and not always wishing I was out discovering new places.

So, self-discovery, I'm here. But now that I'm here, can I please just go home? Now?

I know later, when this is over, I'll be glad I stuck it out and that I had the experience. I know it will make me a stronger person, and I need to be a stronger person. I need to learn to chill out and just let time take its course.

Thank God for Skype. And Surf the Channel.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

On a totally different note, I think I'm going to go to Seoul for a long Saturday after my December paycheck. That's something to look forward to. Besides my parents coming. Thinking about them being here is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going.

When does it stop?

I have never wanted to go home as much as I do right now. I know it wouldn’t solve any of my problems. But I feel like I don’t know how to get better here. I can’t get any of the healthy foods I’m used to turning to (except for fruits and vegetables, of course). I don’t have anything to cook with but two burners, I don’t know how to talk to the people at the pool, I hate hate hate teaching. I like some, ok most, of my kids, but I don’t know if I can last a year. I honestly don’t. I want to. I want to finish, just for the sake of finishing. I want my parents to come visit me here. I want to like it. I want to look back on it as this amazing experience. But right now, I don’t know if I can.

Here’s what I’m scared of: I won’t be able to stop my self-destructive habits. I’ll just keep getting larger and larger. I’m already bigger than I ever thought I would let myself be. When does it stop? I’m also scared I won’t be careful enough with my money and I won’t save/I’ll have to ask my parents for help again. I’m 24 years old. When does it stop? I’m scared I’ll close myself off so much there’s no turning back.

Going overseas was supposed to change me for the better. It wasn’t supposed to waste two years of my life. It was supposed to move me forward. But right now, all I want is to be the person I was a year ago. If you told me that a year ago, I’d never have believed you. I just wish the person I was a year ago could’ve just let herself be happy at home. Because right now, that’s all I want.

I’m trying to remember what Amanda said: This will pass.

When does it stop?

bad foreign week

I think this has been the hardest week since I got here. Mostly the past couple of days. I think this might even be harder than the first week, but it's hard to say.

Today, to use a Terryism (from Prague), I had a "bad foreign day." Days when nothing goes right and you just want to go home and it's easy to blame it on the country. But it was more than that.

Last week, I felt like I was finally making friends and starting to fit in. This week, I couldn't feel farther from fitting in or less like I belong. I don't think these people really like me, or even know me. I don't know how to make them know me. I don't know if they even want to.

Also, last week and the week before, I felt like I was doing pretty well at the teaching thing. This week, I feel like a terrible teacher. I'm pretty sure the kids don't like me (which while not the most fun thing in the world, is kind of ok because I don't like a lot of them either). But it's still not easy to walk into a classroom knowing the kids aren't happy to see you. Plus, I feel like my bosses are all on my back again after they'd kind of left me alone for a couple of weeks. Thank God for Meejee and Ellie. They are the only ones who I feel like are really on my side. And they have to see my tears most of the time, which....I'm sorry for, for their sakes, but if someone has to see me cry, I'm glad it's them.

And then, of course, there's the Cost Co incident. So, yeah, I go there forgetting everything is GIGANTIC and that I have no efficient way of getting all that shit home. So, I fill up my cart anyway thinking I'll figure it out somehow. I get up to the register and come to find out, they don't take American debit cards (there's no money in my Korean acct. yet). So I have to have her unscan at least half of my shit while there's like 5 people behind me in line. THEN, I have to walk FOR.EV.ER. before I can find a cab that will pick me up (I had no idea where I was). I wanted my American cereal but I don't know if it's worth it! I've decided it's not. I'm not in America, so I can't expect to have American food all the time. Especially in bulk. What single person needs food in those quantities??

And now I need to address the internal change I've been feeling that has nothing to do with work or what I'm doing with my life or any of that. Let me preface this by saying that I like to party. I like to go out and do things, I enjoy nightlife, I even like to get crazy sometimes.

However. Example: tonight, I could have gone to at least two different bars where I know there would've been people I know. Hell, I don't even have a problem going to bars where I don't know anybody. But here's the issue: I didn't want to. And I haven't wanted to. With the exception of one or two nights since I've been here. It's more than being tired or not wanting to see the people I see for ten hours everyday. And it's not that I don't ever want to go to a bar again or do anything crazy.

It's that I've been on a roller coaster of crazy for over a year now, and I just want to get off for awhile. I need to create some sort of normal life for myself, even though I'm only going to be here for a year, so I can feel human again. So, even though I sort of am still waiting (which I am sooo utterly sick of), it doesn't feel like that's ALL I'm doing. I need to find a healthy balance between taking care of myself by eating right, respecting my body, getting rid of stress in a healthy way, doing things for myself like exercising, exploring, and writing, and having fun with friends. I don't really feel a need to go out every weekend because not only does it make me feel more out of control when I already don't feel in control, but I can go out anywhere in the world, and it's more or less same shit, different day. I don't really want to spend my year in Korea inside dark clubs and hung over in my bed.

I'm just over it. I think it's also that I did the whole drinking all the time/partying too much, etc. thing in Prague, and look where that got me. Two sizes bigger, unhappier, etc., etc. People keep telling me I'll get used to drinking all the time and going out all the time, but I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to be that person. And if that means alienating myself, I guess that's what I'll do. I have other things to worry about.

I'm going to focus on my health, and then maybe I can regain the balance I used to have when I was in grad school. Where did that go? What have I done to myself?

But I am going to stay and stick it out. It has crossed my mind to leave, but I am going to start finishing what I start.

Remembering Lucy

I've never cried this much over losing a pet. She was more than a pet to me. I just hope she didn't suffer. I can't bear that thought.

Lucy wasn't the smartest dog. She could be kind of selfish and manipulative. But she was my dog. And I loved her.

I just pulled a dress out of my closet that I haven't worn yet since I've been in Korea. It still has Lucy's hair on it. I look at it and think that she won't ever shed her hair all over my clothes again. She won't nuzzle up to me, or sit on my feet, or put her head in my lap, or lick my face. We won't play blanket. She won't stalk trucks when they drive by. I won't hold her when it storms. She won't keep me company when I'm home alone.

She was such a happy dog. All the time. Unless there was a thunderstorm. And she loved everybody. She made friends so easily. When I felt bad, I would hug her and she would lick my face. She loved to have her tummy scratched. I used to give her people food when no one was watching. We took naps together. It was one of our favorite hobbies. She would fall asleep and have doggie dreams. Sometimes she would run or growl in her sleep.

All of this can't even describe how I felt about her. And how much I miss her and I dread the thought of going home without her waiting for me. If there is a doggie heaven (and I have to believe there is), I know she's there playing and sleeping and eating milkbones. And having her butt scratched. She loved that too.

I just miss her. I know I'll probably get a dog when I go home next year, but right now I don't think any dog could mean as much to me. Rest in peace, Lucy. I won't forget you.