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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The old familiar pain

It's funny how you can make a life somewhere without meaning to. You'd think by now, this wouldn't surprise me.

But I'm actually really sad/emotional about leaving the Woodlands. I mean, it has been my home for eight months. A significant amount of time, in my book. Ive really enjoyed certain things about it, mainly the Y, the bike trails, the trees (never thought I'd say that since I'm a wide open spaces girl), and most of all, my family.

Leaving my aunt's house just now knowing I won't see her or her family for at least 14 months was heart wrenching. She has been one of my best friends during my time here. It hurts so much knowing you'll have to miss people. The anticipation of missing them is almost worse. I thought it would be easier this time around, but surprise! It isn't.

Tomorrow, I will see my best friend for the last time in again, at least 14 months. She is having a baby in may, and it hurts to know that I won' be here for such a big event in her life. That we won't
Be part of each other's daily lives anymore. That's what hurts the most about leaving everyone. That we'll just be keeping in touch, not hanging out regularly and being present.

Last week, I was invited to join a swim team at the Y where I work out, and I was flattered, but I had to say no because I'm leaving. It stung a little bit, knowing that I could actually be a part of something here, but it was too late. That's sort of what I meant about making a life without realizing it. I need to remember that for the future though, that sometimes it just takes awhile to find your niche.

As hard as all of this is right now, I do still know that I am doing the right thing. There's no way any of this could be more than temporary. I can't live with my grandmother forever. Sooner or later, I have to rejoin people of my own demographic. And, perhaps most importantly, I have to get some sort of direction. Purpose. A channel in which to get somewhere. I believe I am on my way to doing that.

And maybe even more important than that, I have to allow myself to be brave. I have some shit to prove to myself, and I intend to see that through.

But this part is still painful.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Amendment to the Album List Below:

I didn't realize William Fitzsimmons' "Gold in the Shadow" came out in 2011. So I would like to move it to my #6 album of the year, pushing back my last three albums. If you haven't heard of Willy Fitz, he is beautiful. Just beautiful. Rather mellow, though. So if you're not into that, you won't like him. But he is great. He is a psychotherapist turned musician, so his lyrics are sad and interesting. Just how I like it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Top Albums of 2011

I have been waiting for like 4 months to do this post! Sometime during the summer, I was buying a lot of new music (no, I don't have a problem!), and I was thinking, how would I rate all of this fantastic music? So, here it is, folks. My personal top 8 albums of 2011 list (I wanted to do a top 10, but apparently I only bought 8 albums in 2011 that actually came out in 2011... but trust me, I bought a lot more that didn't):

8.) "21" by Adele -- Yes, I bought this album the day it came out. It's sort of sad that I feel a little ashamed of admitting that, because Adele really is a great songstress. But the radio stations, TV shows, media in general have just beat these songs into the ground. I will probably revive this album in about three years, when I'm not sick of it anymore. That said, this is not a style of music I typically listen to. It's bluesier, poppier... just not as rock and roll or alternative as I tend to keep it. But I do think Adele did a good job with this one. I'm sorry, Adele, that popular media ruined it for me.

7.) "Zonoscope" by Cut Copy -- I'd heard of Cut Copy before this year but hadn't paid much attention. However, I saw them at ACL this year completely by chance, and they were one of my favorite acts of the entire weekend. They were just so much fun. So, naturally, I bought their newest album the next week. I have to say, I like it but I don't love it as much as I thought I would. It's good, but I don't have the connection to it I have with albums higher on this list. But it is dancy, catchy, upbeat, and fun. I guess I would say, with the exception of a couple of songs that I really do like a lot, it's great background music. But don't listen to it on a road trip by yourself. You'll get bored. Or at least, I did.

6.) "If Not Now, When?" by Incubus -- I've been a fan, but not a diehard one, of Incubus for the past 10 years or so. They have some phenomenal songs, but as for entire albums, I couldn't really get into them. All that changed with this album. It's a little different, a little more mellow than previous stuff, but it's also more precise, more planned, if that makes sense. Great intricate melodies, and of course Brandon Boyd sings his ass off. I mean, this guy can sing. Let's face it, sometimes guy bands don't focus so much on the quality of the vocals. But Brandon's voice is an instrument. I'd say this album is classic Incubus, but better.

5.) "Mylo Xyloto" by Coldplay -- I was a slow fan of Coldplay. After buying their first two albums "Parachutes" and "Rush of Blood to the Head," I was kind of like, "eh." (Although now I have jumped on the "Rush" bandwagon... the Coldplay album, not the band from the '80s). But "X & Y" totally changed my mind, and I loved "Viva la Vida" as well. "Mylo Xyloto" does not disappoint. I saw Coldplay live for the first time in September, and it was a freaking amazing show. Chris Martin is a great performer, as is the rest of the band. The new album is a bit dancier than the previous albums, but I don't think that's a bad thing. The quality of the music and lyrics is the same, if not better, that it's always been, as are the guest artists (Hello, Rihanna, didn't expect to hear you in a Coldplay song). This album is a pure celebration of music.

4.) "Codes and Keys" by Death Cab for Cutie -- As much as I love Death Cab, I was not a fan of their 2008 album "Narrow Stairs." In fact, while I've heard all the songs, I don't think I've ever listened to it all the way through without getting bored and changing it. However, "Codes and Keys" is the Death Cab I remember. Brooding, deep while still upbeat, always surprising me and adding new things to their melodies on top of lyrics that also surprise me and make me think. Sunny or rainy, I can always be in the mood for it. I particularly love "You Are A Tourist," which totally sums up how I feel in my life right now. An interesting take on the feeling that you need a change, you need to move on to something new. As usual, there's at least one song with a minute or longer intro that builds on itself so you never want to skip it. That song on this album is "Unobstructed Views." If you like classic Death Cab, you will like "Codes and Keys."

3.) "People and Things" by Jack's Mannequin -- Okay, for all of you out there who think I'm a traitor to Andrew by not calling this one #1, but I'm not saying it's not amazing. I think it's a great third album by a brilliant band. It did not initially dazzle me as much as the previous album, "The Glass Passenger," but I think of it more as an extension of that album. Plus, so much has to do with what you, the listener, need from the album at the time. But, this is a great road trip album. A great album to have on and jam out to anytime. There are some really stellar tunes on it too -- I particularly enjoy "Release Me" and "Amelia Jean." I'm having trouble putting this album into words. But just listen to it. You'll like it. Piano prodigy and rock and roll -- can't go wrong.

2.) "Ceremonials" by Florence + the Machine -- I'm so happy that my top two albums this year feature female leads! What can I say about the brilliance that is Florence? I only bought her first album, "Lungs," at the beginning of the summer, and by fall, the second was out. I fell in love with "Lungs" of course, and a description I read of it calling the song "Rabbit Heart" a rainstorm in a flower garden I think describes Florence's overall sound perfectly. "Ceremonials" has the same great sound as "Lungs," but the sophomore album has more power. I mean seriously, if you don't feel a surge of something listening to this album, you're dead inside. There is so much about this album that is just plain interesting. You can listen to it over and over and notice different things each time. Florence=sophistication. Both lyrically and musically. You need this album.

1.) "The Valley" by Eisley -- What sums up this choice for BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR for me is that I still listen to it all the way through, over and over, and it came out in March. I took several road trips this year listening to nothing but this album on repeat. All 11 songs are on my "25 Most Played" songs on iTunes. But, about the album (other than my obsession with it): I mean these guys (and girls!) really outdid themselves. Every album, EP, whatever they've done has been better than the one before it, and they started out good. This one really increased their depth of lyrics, vocal ranges, and overall musicality. I mean, there is some serious guitar playing going on. And keys and drums and bass... I just love it. It's still whimsical, lovely Eisley with more of a rock and roll edge. Just buy it (or illegally download it) and listen to it, ok? If you don't like it, you can't be my friend anymore. Just kidding. Sort of.

Monday, December 12, 2011

the lap before the last lap

You ever notice how when you get nearer to the end of something, time slows down? You get cranky, you lose motivation, and you just want to shut down.

I am trying SO HARD not to shut down. I mean, I'm putting the same amount of... cough, cough... effort... into my job that I have been since I realized.... several things I won't go into while still employed. I mean shutting down in other areas.

As a rule, I love going to the Y. It's usually the best part of my day. I feel so good when I leave the Y. Today, I left the Y after 10 minutes because I just couldn't make myself do it. It's been a loooong time since I've done that. I know everyone gets burned out sometimes, and I'm actually very proud of myself because I've worked through various burn outs and lapses in exercise motivation for almost a year and a half now without ever giving up. I won't ever give up, either. It's just hard to make it through the days when you don't give a shit.

It's hard to motivate myself to do other things, too. Clean. Cook. Do pretty much anything except totally veg out. I can smell the end of my house arrest (a.k.a. working from home doing a job that I hate) now. I can taste it, and it's so close, I just want it to be here. I think this is why I'm feeling lackluster. Cabin fever doesn't help. But too often, there's nowhere to go. And hovering grandmothers are ALWAYS there.

It's funny because in sports, the last leg of the race is usually the easiest. Well, maybe not physically, but the easiest mentally. You know you're almost done, so you can push yourself a little longer to reach the finish line. Maybe I'll get that feeling when I'm a little closer. Because the last lap is easy, but the one before it isn't always.

Anyway, then there's the old fear. I've been working out so hard (while trying not to fall victim to burn out for more than a day or two, which I've done before with costly results) and trying so hard to be healthy and I'm really seeing results. Which is great, but the other side of that is The Fear -- falling off the wagon, gaining it all back, not being able to maintain. I think because I have done this slowly and steadily, no dieting, nothing crazy, that I will be able to maintain it. But The Fear isn't totally gone. The old demons will always be there. And, I REALLY want to be a size 10 by the time I go shopping for jeans in January. I am afraid I won't be where I want to be. It sounds sick, but sabotaging oneself so that one doesn't have to feel disappointment for failure is real. It's classic fear of success; if you set yourself up to fail, you know why you didn't reach your goal. You don't have to feel like you tried as hard as you could and didn't make it.

I know that if I am not there, I will be eventually, but the problem is that they don't carry size 10s in Korea. I've never seen any pants in Korea bigger than an 8. But I'll just have to deal with that. And since I'm losing weight the healthy way, I can't expect to drop sizes quickly. That's ok. As long as I'm staying healthy, I'll be happy. Just not as happy as I would be if I were a size 10. Ha.

But, the bottom line. Today did not go as I wanted it to. Tomorrow I will see that it goes differently.